Category: Built For Victory

#QuarantineLife 2.0...at the Request of the Reader

5/6/2020

One of my readers asked me to write another piece about life during quarantine that was less focused on what I do in a given day and more about how I feel. She requested I write something relatable, something real. Here goes:

The more I learn about COVID-19, the more I understand that I will be stuck indoors until a vaccine. Grounded from plane travel. Hiding behind a mask and face shield. For what will be a very long time.

My friends in Ireland have been wonderful though. Some of the lads from the pub do weekly jam sessions. Social distancing, of course. But it's so good to see their familiar faces. Hear the banter. And notice with a little thrill when other friends are watching along with me online. We're all in this together...except, my health history has made me more susceptible. Even when restrictions are lifted, they won't be lifted for me. The vaccine is at least 18 months away....

When lockdown happened, I was trapped in a state with the highest number of cases in the country. As of today, that number is 319,000. But last week, it was 251,000.

Let that sink in for a moment.

I'm positive by nature. A true survivor who's invested so heavily in silver linings, abundance now spills over my edges and into the lives of those I love. Some friendships are silver, but mine are all gold. As in, I help the people I care about quite literally make their dreams come true. They help me, too. Even encouragers need to be encouraged once in a while.

Every day is about the same for me--a mix of work, classes, study, research, cooking, cleaning, and caring for my geriatric dog/soulmate (who's loyally laying next to me right now as I type this well into the wee hours of the morn).

Routine is necessary to keep things balanced. So is getting out for walks (when the weather isn't totally miserable). And checking in with friends. I'm even planning for my future, taking more courses at Harvard Medical School as well as starting a program at Harvard Business School this fall--all online, of course. I already have a Masters and a Doctorate but may get another of each if I keep going. Why not? It's not like there's a deadly virus lurking in tiny aerosol particles that can hang in the air for hours upon hours before dissipating....

Meditation, exercise, eating well, and sleeping well are all really important to staying positive. Obviously, I'm not sleeping well, but that's just part of my hustle. I've always kicked ass. A pandemic can't change who I am. I'm still giving talks, just via video. Soon, I'll have my own app and will be producing webinars on a variety of topics. I can't stop. Won't stop. Prior to lockdown, I was grooving on 20-hour days anyway. How else do you think I can look like a movie star and still create all this content???

Do I have bad days? Yes, yes I do. Sunday was one of them. A friend asked about someone I may never see again and that led to hours of a pounding headache and crying myself to sleep. It's okay to not be okay. The important thing is to not let a moment of difficulty become days or weeks. That's self-sabotage and I've worked way too hard to get to where I am.

We can't control other people. We can only control ourselves. We can't control this virus either. But we do have agency over how we respond to it. Do we allow victimhood to define us? Or, do we rise above it by increasing our integrity as human beings???

The choice is really ours. Just like falling in love. You may not choose when or how it happens, but you can choose to be honest when it does.

Courage still counts in the second decade of the 21st century. Give it try...you might like it.

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Quieting Our Inner Cynic

5/5/2020

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Anytime you find yourself prioritizing problems over people, you need to take a step back from the situation. A healthy mind seeks solutions through direct communication. An unhealthy mind focuses on negatives, or problems--both real and artificial.

It's important to recognize our psychological context. When we don't, we fail to understand our motivations. This is particularly relevant in matters of love. The conditions you set on your relationships are connected to the limitations others put on you in the past. While you can't change what happened yesterday, you can change your tomorrow by being mindful--or more self-aware--today.

For example, someone asking me out on a second date always translated as them wanting to use and/or abuse me. Of course, that's simply not true. That was just a knee-jerk or reactive response based on fears developed during childhood. My inner-cynic derived from daily negative messages received in the first 17 years of my life--and, that had more of a stronghold than I realized.

Maybe some of you can relate....

I had to learn that if I didn't want pride, ego or negativity back from the person I loved, I also couldn't give those things. Love only derives from love. Spiritualists call it "matching energies." But all that really equates to is getting back what we put in. We see ourselves as wanting love, giving love, so being ready, willing and able to receive it. But when we let our inner-cynic come through, we aren't as ready for love as we think we are.

Giving love means believing in it, unconditionally. If you want to receive unconditional love, you have to first give it. That means being open. Having faith in someone. We tend to mirror each other in love relationships. It can cause a lot of confusion. Especially when we fail to see how our expectations, or the conditions we set on love, are based on our past.

There are no conditions with real love. Love is unconditional by nature. We "inherit" how we view relationships. And, if we want to improve our chances at love, we have to shift our perspective. But we can only do that if we quiet our inner cynic, effectively cutting off the past from influencing our present.

Unilateral decision-making removes the other person's agency. We cut people off at the proverbial pass yet somehow still expect miracles. We're asking for our person to see beyond the surface. To fight for the connection, even when we seem to no longer be holding a torch. All of that is self-sabotage. We are behaving like victims--or covert narcissists--when we expect people to read our minds. Instead of being honest with our connection, we use ego and pride as our guides. When we do that, we are not in control--our past is in the driver's seat.

Quieting our inner-cynic is not easy. But if we want to break free from old cycles that are no longer serving us, we have to. If you regret disconnecting from someone you love, reach out again. Be honest when you do. It's okay to express when you feel a boundary has been crossed--maybe you did not appreciate being ghosted. Maybe you translated a past action incorrectly. ASK your connection for clarification. People are complex--there may have been something happening you didn't know about.

Honesty really is the best policy in matters of love. When we approach love from a place of cynicism, we trick ourselves into mistaking that cynicism for cleverness. But the only person we are outsmarting is ourselves.

Extending an olive branch to your connection shows faith, trust and an openness to love. You can't control what other people think, feel or do--you can only control how you respond. Waving the white flag is never a bad thing. Neither is applying patience and kindness in matters of love. Remember, if you want to receive those things, you first have to give them. That's how you make your own luck.

Want to manifest love in your life? Give it. And give it freely. Don't focus on negatives. Keep the lines of communication open. No more issuing judgement instead of compassion. Kindness is free. So give it freely, too, especially to the person who is your wish-fulfillment.

Good luck! And, stay safe....

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Is S/HE Still Single???

4/26/2020

3 Comments

Cyberstalking is hitting all-time highs during the pandemic. People seeking love connections with others through online platforms like Facebook have been common for about 15 years now, but there are more friend-requests than ever before thanks to COVID-19.

Why?

Social media is a good way to check on a person's relationship status. My relationship status is private by design. When you look back at older essays like #WritersBlock and #SayGoodnightGracie, you might better understand why....

Using any kind of surveillance activities as opposed to being open and straightforward resonates with fear, victimhood and insecurity. You're looking for reasons to not move forward. Excuses to cut yourself off from the opportunity. It may be time to consider taking a session with me on relationships so you can learn your triggers and understand what's motivating your choices:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

When you're creeping on potential love interests, it's important to remember that social media is not always a reflection of real life. In fact, most of the time, it's not representative at all. That's why an internet search can actually be harmful. It isn't always telling you the truth--for that, you'd have to go straight to the source.

The $20,000 Date

A friend recently approached me about a high-end private dating service. While pretty much everything is either cancelled or postponed, that's not the case for love. Do you know that some singles are paying up to $20,000 to go on a date with someone who's been vetted by a specialized agency? No, I'm not kidding...

To find true success with true love, we need to connect with those who share our core values. When you've achieved a certain level of success, you probably look pretty good, too. All of that takes time and effort. So why waste your valuable time on people who aren't willing to invest in you as much as you do in yourself???

I think we all need to look at our individual value with a much more discerning eye, regardless of whether or not we're willing to sink $20,000 into finding "the one." My research on Millennials and relationships shows that a good number of men see attractive, educated, professional, and accomplished women as potential intimate partners, but usually aren't interested in anything more. There's an element of sexism there--women who have it all together aren't as easy to control. The problem with sexism in the 21st century is that it's usually unwitting. Men may not even realize why they back off. Or, why they always seem to end up in relationships with emotionally and/or financially vulnerable women. Could be a connection there, guys...something to think about! True, I've never met a younger man who complained about a woman that's educated and a homeowner, but unless he's also professionally established, there's a decent risk of being used. Unfortunately, ladies, users typically don't tell you they're about to use you. But any kind of imbalance in a relationship can turn vertical.

Finding an equal is the best option when it comes to love. Sadly, I'm not sure that can really happen without a little outside help. You may meet people whom you believe have potential but more often than not, you end up wasting six or more months before realizing the situation is a dead-end. And THAT is why some people are paying big $$$ to be introduced to a potential partner. No games. No surprises. Just serious, professional, educated people who take care of themselves--just like you--looking for exactly the same things you are. It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? The money-aspect, however, may have to change a bit given Bloomberg's dire future forecasting for the global economy over the next five years a la COVID-19.

Other Ways We Sabotage Ourselves in LOVE

Discounting exceptional people because of our own insecurities is self-defeating. Even if you could meet a person who somehow has no pre-existing issues in the 21st century, unless you have a crystal ball, you don't know what you'll be dealing with in the future. So, why deny feelings for an individual who's a proven survivor? I'm thinking of not just cancer survivors, like me, but even former military--who often have things like PTSD. Based on the fact that everyone is human, there's a decent shot that either a car accident, a cancer diagnosis, maybe depression, or some other health concern will pop up eventually.

Especially in the time of COVID-19, if you have met a dream-person in every other way except for some blip in their health history or a scar you wish wasn't there, look in the mirror before deciding to walk away (aka don't be a jerk). You're probably not perfect either. This is just another way your mind tricks you into self-sabotage, self-punishment, and ultimately, self-loathing. You set yourself up for romantic failure when you find excuses not to pursue someone you're really interested in. By the way, I get it. Been there, done that. You always end up holding a big bag of regret instead of basking in the glow of a big ball of light and love.

The "abject" can be almost anything--having kids, the age of the kids, the number of kids, etc.. Maybe you don't like that they're a cat person when you're a dog person, even though you clearly both love animals. Maybe there are old attachments that are still in the process of being dealt with (sometimes on both ends, especially if you meet in mid-life) and even though everything else is perfect, you end things when you shouldn't. Maybe you come up with other reasons--they're not homeowners, they work for themselves, they like pink underwear (or, in my case, no underwear, lol)...perfectionism leaves no stone unturned. Regardless, a hyper-focus on any one aspect of a whole person is self-sabotage. That means you probably don't even realize how you hurt yourself (see "Faith Over Fear" April 2020).

Mistaking ego/pride for intuition is a common problem in love.

I once had a male acquaintance declare, "I won't date any woman who makes less than $75,000 a year." Given that women in much of the Western World make less than 78-cents to every male peer's dollar, that's really cutting out A LOT of great people for the benefit of some random figure. So, a gorgeous gal who's smart, talented and fit but only makes $72,000 a year is out then? $65,000 a year? $60,000??? All rather decent salaries...just not decent enough for this chap.

Putting a dollar-figure on a potential partner is petty and self-centered. It also speaks to the fact that you're not really interested in finding love--what you actually want is a physically attractive financial resource. I don't know ANYONE who'd be excited about being seen that way. Disappointing, to say the least.

My acquaintance did not need a dime from anyone, by the way--he made quite a lot of money himself (over $200,000/year). Even if he found his "dream" woman, if she got sick or lost her job, any time, efforts, energy she invested with him would have certainly been lost. As much wealth as he had, this person had a pervasive disconnect when it came to finances. To such an extent, it ruled his entire life. And yes, ruined his chances at finding real love. Because, even when he found a woman who met his financial standards, his hyper-focus on money inevitably ended things anyway.

Bottom Line

There are plenty of folks who aren't prepared to pay $20,000 for a date that are still invested in finding the real deal--they're just harder to find. Maybe it's someone you know already. Maybe it's someone new. Whoever the object of your affection is (or will be), if you want to ask them out--just do it. Creeping on people's Facebook pages or doing internet searches is ethically dicey. If you want to know if someone is single or not, ASK THEM. Don't go behind their back. Don't make assumptions ("But this guy commented on her post and she said she loved him"...first of all, that guy is married. Second of all, he's married to a man...SO DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!!). And, don't rely on hearsay or second-hand knowledge either. Friends and family don't know everything AND, side-note, they don't always have the best interest of others at heart...you know who does though? The person you're interested in.

Go straight to the source, people! Don't be shy...technology makes it easy to ask simple questions these days.

Stand in your own power. Be courageous. To truly (re)connect with a love interest, you're going to have to make yourself vulnerable. If you're not willing to do that, you're not as ready for love as you think you are.

Good luck to all you love-seekers in the time of COVID-19!

Never wait for Fate to "manifest" your heart's desire. Take charge of your own happiness by communicating your intentions in a clear, purpose-driven manner and you'll find what you're looking for. Guaranteed.

Proactive people are successful people...in both life AND love. So, what's it going to be??? Are you going to lurk in the shadows...or step into the light???

To Get Help in Matters of LOVE:

Sign up for a session and learn more about your love-language, click the link below:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

*2019 Beach-hair-don't-care photo...summer can't get here soon enough!

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Self-sabotage: Overthinking (in) Matters of Love

4/13/2020

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As you can see from the picture insert, for what was the first time in six years, I opened a bottle of wine from my cellar. Having the Bordeaux sitting on the counter (as pieces of the 15-year old cork kept it company) was so rare, I actually took a snap in appreciation of the moment

Thinking things through in kitchen design creates a functional aesthetic that both beautifies and improves one's life; I find the space I built in my kitchen a calming refuge and I'm grateful I "overthought" every detail--from the Brazilian granite to the recycled glass tiles in the backsplash. But applying too much thought to a relationship can keep us stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, leading to years of unhappiness. Stopping that cycle in its tracks will help you find the fulfillment we all crave. Continuing it, however, is a willful desire to remain unhappy. Essentially, someone victimized you in the past, and you're now so comfortable in that role, you're unaware of what you do to keep yourself there, which is problematic when facing crucial life-changing crossroads...like meeting your soulmate.

In order to make the most of what spiritualists call "divine timing," you have to be ready to seize the moment when it arrives. If you've been hurt before (and, who hasn't???), you may choose to walk away, coming up with justifications that effectively end the connection. That's very sad, isn't it? I don't want that for you...or, me. Being self-aware can help combat our fears. But in order for us to do that, we have to stay open. Open to the possibilities. And, when the time is right, translate that openness into honesty.

Maybe you walked away from someone in the past and wondered, "Why did I do that? I really liked him/her. They just felt unavailable or unattainable in some way."

I know I have....

That's self-sabotage. Overthinking in a nutshell. Instead of going with it, you got scared and backed off, missing an opportunity to bloom and grow as a human being.

Opening a bottle of wine for just me always felt frivolous, wasteful even. And since I haven't had anyone willing to share a good red in about six years, I'd not opened a single bottle in all that time. Not one. Until a few days ago....

The other evening, I was cooking home-made gnocchi and arrabbiata sauce, humming and swaying to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" while taking in the earthy aroma of the blended tomatoes, herbs and spices bubbling away on the stove top. With a suddenness I still don't quite understand, I abruptly decided to go down to the cellar and pick out a bottle of wine. Just like that. Without a second thought. No idea why. I just wanted it and effectively went after what I wanted. And, I'm glad I did--it was the best thing I've had in my mouth since October 10th.

It's sad to look back on the last six years, knowing I wasn't allowing myself the simple pleasure that comes from a good glass of wine. Makes me wonder what else I've missed out on thanks to overthinking....

Making unilateral decisions is something we tend to do as adults. We take our emotional context for granted, discounting how all those little hurts, the betrayals, the narcissistic partners (and narcissistic parents!) have added up, thinking, "I'm fine," when we're anything but. In the interest of keeping calm and carrying on, we box up negatives and put them on some dusty shelf in our brain, believing compartmentalization means we've dealt with the issue. But it's simply not true.

My early decision to walk away in a love relationship because of a unilateral decision continued to reverberate, creating a kind of tidal eddy that we just couldn't escape--even after a second chance. Someone who wasn't skittish before that moment became less trusting. He then began looking for reasons as to why I had a change of heart, even though I never had a change of heart, just a change of mind. A harrowing fear of abandonment on my end led to my choosing to believe that someone I really cared about simply wasn't available, even though that was clearly not the case. To make matters worse, once I got my second chance, pride got the better of me and I basically denied my feelings, acting as though a (rather public) prior proclamation of love was unintentional. I know...not cool. As a result of my insecurities, by the time I was finally ready to admit to my feelings, it probably looked forced, less-than-authentic.

Burgeoning romance is a delicate creature. Similar to the wings of a moth, one wrong move can turn love to dust.

I hope this helps those of you in similar situations to avoid missing your once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection. But if you think that may have happened already, try reaching out. And, be honest when you do.

Love requires vulnerability. So when I consider my overall behavior, I can see how the momentum we built during that second chance got lost in the shuffle of insecurity. Of course, there are always two people in a relationship and perhaps from the other party's perspective, it may have appeared to be no-win. When he first pushed me to come clean, I was unhappy about what I saw as impertinence, but was still willing to respond because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So, he made it for me.

I still wasn't being completely honest, blaming indecision, when in fact, I'd made a decision--I just didn't want to own up to it. Even though I felt time stand still the moment we met, I prioritized potential problems over a person I really cared for--not because he wasn't worthy, but because I didn't feel like I was.

I knew I'd probably miss him for the rest of my life, but wanted to avoid what I perceived as a big ball of blinding pain. You see, when you don't think yourself worthy of love, you can only ever imagine rejection and abandonment as the end result of every relationship. Obviously, I didn't come to that way of thinking on my own--I learned it in my early years of life: People who say they love you will deliberately hurt you, sabotage you, disappoint you, and ultimately, abandon you...I'm crying as I type all this out--it's very sad and very, very frustrating. In trying to protect myself (coming from that background), I unintentionally hurt others and when I attempt to make things right, they end up hurting me. Only a nurturing, compassionate, loving, kind, and understanding partner could change that cycle....

While I do what I can to give myself unconditional love, neural pathways are re-routed when you get consistent positive feedback from a stable outside source. I sort of see that as the ultimate love relationship--providing a stable source of positive feedback to build your partner up through things like regular sex, as well as being generally considerate and kind--creating a comfortable home to share, cooking for each other, making time for walks or hikes in nature, intimate conversations, sharing a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace and laughing together--intentionally making deliberate efforts to increase your partner's sense of security, self-worth, confidence, and overall feeling of being loved and valued. All of that seems so easy and natural to me. More's the shame....

When I messed up the first time around, the other party reached out. I was legitimately thrilled and truly hoped it was the beginning of a fresh, new start. We seemed to meet each other's courage in kind after that. Felt pretty magical...until it didn't.

Third chances don't manifest very often in life. Being as honest as possible is your best defense against self-sabotage.

Bottom Line:

Real love has no deadline. If you feel it, you feel it. You can run. You can hide. But it will still be there. So be kind to yourself and the person you care for by giving love a fighting chance, okay???

Make "compassion over judgement," your new mantra. I have, and it's helped me to see a painful situation from both sides, allowing for recognition of my role in what happened so it never happens again. If you want to learn how to clear your negatives, discuss relationships, dating, twinflames, and/or soulmates, feel free to click the link below and sign up for a session. Once COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, you'll be fully prepared to embrace true love.

Why?

Because, of course, YOU ARE BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!

Never forget it....

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

3 Comments

#Slainte!

4/7/2020

2 Comments

My Irish roots may be showing, but in the midst of a quarantine that's closed bars and pubs around the world, I thought I'd don my mixologist hat once again by temporarily reviving the #PopCultureCooking category...just for funsies. Because, we ALL need *a little* more of that these days. Especially now....

By the way, it's not all about the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol--I'm a proper cook. My home was the hub for family and friends year-round pre-C19. Though I was traveling quite a bit for both work and pleasure prior to the lockdown, I managed to hold themed-dinners for 15-20 every month, along with cooking and baking (and, delivering said food!) a few times a month for family, friends and neighbours. The recipe for my Guittard chocolate red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting was picked up by an Editor for Southern Living a few years back. And, a foodie app featured my soy-free vegetarian Pad Thai dish in 2018. I've also had the pleasure of creating a high-end signature cocktail for a swanky restaurant just outside of NYC...so, you're in good hands. And yeah, my hands also give dayum-good back massages.

The word "unicorn" clearly has my picture next to it in the dictionary, lol....

All joking aside, we're in this absolutely mad situation together by staying apart--but, we still need to socialize! In the last two days alone, I've had video chats with friends who are literally around the world, including Ireland, Portugal, Canada, UK, and the States. So while you may not be able to meet friends out for a drink, you can still toast together to good health and a bright future with my latest libation, an antioxidant-filled cocktail I'm calling:

The Pandemic
(Too soon???)

What you'll need:

-good bourbon or whiskey (you can sub tequila, gin or vodka, but I don't know why you would...)
-orange liqueur
-orange bitters
-4 ounces of room temp green tea, sweetened with honey
-1 small orange
-pinch of cinnamon
-4-5 ice cubes
-sugar in the raw

Unlike James Bond, I prefer to stir things up. But "shaken" works, too. Start with your green tea and honey in an 8 ounce glass. You can also sub Honest T brand's "Honey Green Tea" for less than 50 calories of pre-made organic goodness. Or, use your favorite green tea--I like Rishi matcha green tea and use about half a teaspoon of raw unfiltered honey.

Making the tea from scratch? I recommend dissolving your dash of cinnamon in the tea while still hot. You can add it to a chilled pre-made cold brew, too. Once you've added the cinnamon to the green tea and honey mixture, use 4-5 drops of the orange bitters, a finger of bourbon and a finger of the orange liqueur. Then, halve your orange. Cut a slice or wedge from one half and reserve it for the garnish. Hand-squeeze the juice from both halves into the glass. Add ice cubes and shake or stir.

For the garnish:

Pour a tablespoon of raw sugar in a bowl. Take the orange slice or wedge and dip it into the sugar, coating both sides. Use a pairing knife to make a slit in the middle of the orange slice or wedge (while keeping the rind intact) so it can sit on the rim of your glass. Add your garnish to the side of your glass and drop some of the moistened sugar (from dipping your wedge) on the rind. If you want to get really fancy, before making your cocktail, you can sugar the rim of your glass by first pouring sugar in the raw in the bottom of a cereal bowl. Use the orange wedge to wet the entire rim of your serving glass then turn it upside down in the cereal bowl...et voila: Sugared rim!

Add an optional Grand Marnier "floater" if you're feeling extra feisty--and, I usually am. ;)

Once you add the garnish to your glass, sit down with your iPad or laptop and dial up a friend to toast with. You have nothing to feel guilty about with this low-cal, healthy cocktail that boosts your immune system while taking the edge off of quarantine. Between the green tea, honey, cinnamon, and fresh-squeezed OJ, you can protect your physical health while maintaining social wellness, too.

To make it non-alcoholic: Take a slice of frozen peach and a chunk of frozen mango; pulverize into a puree in the blender after adding a tablespoon of warm water. Add that to the green tea mixture, along with 1-2 fingers of orange-flavored seltzer and you're good-to-go, minus the buzz and without sacrificing a "lick" of flavor. Speaking of licks....

Food for Thought

The search/struggle for the soulmate is real! Y'all are coming out in force to talk to me about love, sex and relationships...and I feel that. Big time.

I'm using the downtime to align my spirit with my heart AND my head. I know what (and who) I want--and that's half the battle. For this Leo with her Venus rising on the Cancer/Leo cusp, LOVE is literally my soul-song (born under a Scorpio moon, too--so sex is really, really, really important and super intense with the right partner).

Love has always been a priority; it makes me sad to reflect on how hard it's been to come by over the course of my life. People can be selfish, inconsiderate and downright unkind. Like, WTF is up with ghosting??? I mean, yeah, if you're 12, maybe...but if you're over 30, have the guts to say "no" if it's no--or, "yes" if it's yes. If it's a "maybe," say that! You can't expect a worthy person to sit around and wait on you. Acknowledging an attempt to reach out is crucial in all relationships--but we don't always know how to handle a situation and decide that saying nothing is better than closing the door altogether. Except, ghosters tend to forget: Silence is an answer. The problem with using it to communicate is that, only you know what you're trying to say....

When it comes to love, all we can do as individuals is be as honest and straightforward as possible. If you meet your "one," don't hesitate! TELL THEM how you feel!!! If they ghost you instead of loving you back, at least you know you put yourself out there. Communicating your feelings in a clear, direct way means you're stable and healthy--and those are very attractive traits indeed. In this day and age, a person who prioritizes love and intimacy is a real catch. The right person will be smart enough to see that...eventually.

Remember, we all get the benefit of taking a beat in our quest for love and long-term companionship during quarantine. It's tempting to (emotionally) turn away from someone who's maybe taking a bit of a longer beat than expected, but a person who rejects you may, at first, only do so out of fear and insecurity. I know I've been there a time or two. Compassion, not judgement, is how we show real love. And, how we identify it in someone else, too.
We have nothing but time on our hands these days--so there's no need to rush if you sense the real deal is within reach. If fear is driving your beloved's decisions, you may have to be a bit more flexible and apply patience to reap the ultimate benefits. Remember, nothing proves stability and loyalty better than simply being there, no matter what.

Be patient (and kind) with yourself and others and love will rule! If not in another's heart, at least in your own.

Until next time, stay safe--

#Slainte!

*Btw, that's a little corner of my kitchen in the pic; I literally designed and built it myself, like my fireplace. Having a comfortable abode is part of what maintains my inner peace. Oh, and the fruit bowl in the background? It's pottery from Ireland--my home-away-from-home. I miss it every day and look forward to seeing my family and friends who live there in the not-so-distant future:

"Is ceol mo chroi thu...." <3

2 Comments

Reader Questions on Twinflames

3/30/2020

8 Comments

Hello, Dearest Readers!

Hope you're all keeping well and staying safe in the midst of the pandemic. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families during the current crisis.

We're all stuck at home these days and that's reflected in the number of queries I'm receiving, particularly on the subject of twinflames. I sometimes get similar questions from readers on the same theme. Unfortunately, given the volume, individual responses aren't always possible. But I can offer some general insights that will help the majority of those seeking answers in this time of great uncertainty. I'd also like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of the personalized Skype sessions now available in my areas of research within the disciplines of psychology, mental health, sex, and relationships--the twinflame phenomenon is part of that overall research:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p3/twinflame-sessions.html

Ready to get down to business? Me, too!

Question:

"I think I met my twinflame, but we're both married (I'm not sure if she still is--but I know she was before we met and think she was maybe separated (?) at the time, but never really asked). We haven't spoken in about four months--my fault. Meeting her was unexpected and very intense. I felt confused so backed off, figuring I'd circle back at some point. It was never my intention to totally ghost her--just wanted to figure things out and didn't know how to tell her that without sounding like I wanted to break up. But a few weeks ago, she surprised me with a message saying goodbye. Think I may be depressed because I get overwhelmed every time I try to respond. Thought we'd be able to talk in person again in a few weeks--she was going to be working near me, but that's not happening now with C19. I think of her everyday and want to reach out but feel like it might be a mistake now--I can't leave my situation (for many reasons) and feel it will only hurt more if we stay in touch. Any advice would be appreciated."

Answer:

"Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about the depression--you're probably right about that. Keep an eye on it; depression can be situational but you should talk to your GP when possible and consider getting a referral to a licensed psychologist.

Regarding your potential twinflame: Essentially, what you're describing is an affair. People have them when unhappy in their current relationship. My best advice to you is to examine your own motivations. Did you start the affair out of loneliness/boredom? It's common for people who frequently travel for work to get bored/lonely while "on the road." Maybe unintentional feelings developed from there, but if you're generally dishonest with yourself, you'd find it difficult to be honest with anyone else, too. Nonresponse is easier than explaining to someone who may have indicated otherwise that you are somehow confused/conflicted, despite also being in love.

We can't discuss your new partner's motivations without her input, but if she took the time to acknowledge you after you basically disappeared for 120+/- days, safe to say she had some deep feelings. The "goodbye" wasn't so much for you as it was for her--you failed to give her closure, proving yourself unable to finish what you started, so she gave it to herself. In so doing, she exhibited a depth of emotional intelligence you have yet to prove on your end. She didn't see you as an affair partner, but as a potential new partner in love and life and showed you that by deeming you worthy of a graceful exit. Without knowing more about your specific relationship, and completely from an outside perspective, I'd say you missed the boat on that one. You need to think more about why you continue to choose unhappiness despite a chance at the opposite finally presenting itself--that's part of your overall confusion and sense of conflict. Social obligations tend to muddy the relationship waters. I think a hearty dose of honesty will help clear all that up for you.

We get comfortable where we are--or, complacent. Leaving a marriage means starting over. But, where will you live? And, who will do the laundry? Who will make dinner? Who will be there to listen to your complaints? Your current spouse not being there is only a small part of the problem because, once you two are no longer together, she could more openly/actively sabotage you/your life. It's very daunting to consider, but if you fear those kinds of repercussions from a current spouse, it signals an unacceptable level of toxicity in the relationship. You can't stay with someone out of fear and expect to ever be happy or find peace. Even if you let your new partner go, you'll simply look for her in others because your current relationship can't meet your needs, leading you to eventually seek affection elsewhere again, repeating the same cycle of misery.

The COVID-19 crisis will eventually end. And with it, your chance at being with someone who apparently loves you. If it's only been a few weeks since her last message, you have a shot at reaching out and apologizing. At least have a discussion. An HONEST discussion. Tell her how you feel and what you'd like to happen in the future. Don't hold back--you have to make yourself vulnerable. Match her courage in kind, or you won't get very far."

CLOSING THOUGHTS

The twinflame conundrum in a nutshell: You've met someone with whom you have unprecedented chemistry and feel a deep, abiding connection, yet, the other party is somehow absent, silent, or has disappeared (either completely, or, comes and goes--think "Jasper" in The Holiday (2006) with Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black, and Cameron Diaz).

The situation I'm describing (above) is not indicative of your soul's other half--it's indicative of a reactionary, fear-based response. Also, it's likely there is a previous attachment on the other party's end. Maybe yours, too, but perhaps you're in a healthier head space. When a relationship has run its course, it's no one's fault. But people are generally afraid of change, so wait for something (or someone) to justify starting over. If you've met a partner who makes you feel whole, even when already complete within yourself--you've struck proverbial gold. Don't let that person go, for any reason.

The key to happiness is simple:

1) Tell the person you're in love with that you love them.

2) Be honest with yourself and others.

People who are in unhappy relationships can feel stuck and may seek temporary refuge through sexual connections with others. It's an incredibly irresponsible way to behave if you're aware that the individual with whom you are seeking that refuge has feelings for you, yet you have no intention of returning those same feelings.

I wish I could tell you that there is someone out there amidst the 7-billion on Planet Earth who is, in fact, akin to a twinflame. What I can promise is that if you remain open, you will have more opportunities to find love with an individual who can return your feelings. It boils down to what we really want. Remember, Destiny is always a choice.

ADVICE FOR FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS

No one of worth will tolerate being seen as an option. To avoid drama, amp up your self-awareness with regular meditation. You're no good to anyone if you continue to fail to recognize the reasoning behind why you think, feel and act as you do. For example, if you've suffered any kind of childhood trauma or difficulty, self-sabotage may be motivating you to do things like ghost a person you're in love with for the sake of someone else who makes you (and keeps you) unhappy. All things to work on with a therapist or life coach--someone with PhD is a good place to start.

Please check out my available sessions with the link below and use this time during quarantine to improve yourself and your future. I look forward to talking to you soon!

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

8 Comments

#GlowUp

3/19/2020

4 Comments

So, you're stuck inside, avoiding people a la COVID-19??? Maybe you lost a few jobs, too...like I did. But hey, you gotta look on the bright side. Just think of ALL that time you have to write a novel, learn a new language, paint a canvas, apply to Harvard...wait, what??? Yes! You read that right. Apply. To. Harvard.

Why not? I mean, honestly, what do you have to lose???

Not too long ago, I was hanging out on a rooftop pool, loving life, totally unaware of the insanity that was about to ensue in the world. As I lay there, soaking up the sun (and freckling all over, thanks to genes from my Irish grandmother), I realized that as heartbroken as I was in that picture (and still am), everything was going to be okay.

How could I be so sure?

Well, the picture pretty much says it all. That's me--my real body. All natural, too. How or why anyone could ever break my heart is clearly not a "me" problem. Insecurity is always the answer. Another word for insecurity? Self-sabotage.

Ah, self-sabotage...I know it well. But that's so 2018, people!!! It's 2020. Time for a #GlowUp!

No more whining. No more crying. Yes, things are frustrating. And of course everything sucks--how could it not??? We're in the midst of a pandemic! This is not a drill. It's very serious. Life as we knew it is effectively over. Sure, a vaccine is imminent and once distributed to the seven or so billion folks on the planet, things like international travel will be possible again. But in the meantime, there's no need to sit around and watch the oh-so depressing news. Focus on the positive! Because, even in the midst of a freakin' pandemic, there are still PLENTY of things to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for love. And for the opportunity to experience it. At least once, anyway. I'm grateful to know a person exists in this world who made my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul sing. I'm grateful for the basics, too--a little food, my one roll of TP (Seinfeld comes to mind: "I can't spare a square!"), adequate shelter, and water.

Know what else I'm thankful for during this pandemic? The internet.

I have friends in Oman, Lebanon, Jordan, Israel, Egypt, Morocco, Kuwait, Brazil, Finland, Russia, UK, Ireland, Italy, France, Germany, Spain, India, Nepal, Australia, New Zealand...and, all over Canada and the States. Today, I took a few hours sending messages to many of them to check in. A gal-pal in England asked after this gorgeous British friend of mine, inquiring if he had a single father or uncle for her, inviting us all to join her at her place in Crete once things have calmed down. Another friend (or chara in Gaeilge) in Ireland left me a voice message that had me absolutely rolling as he riffed on how this whole C19 scare would probably end up leading to some new sex fetish. And, a long-time Finnish ystava earnestly wished me well, urging me to stay safe.

All of the above was good for my soul. I started to feel like myself again, even dancing around my kitchen and singing to this old Pink song I hadn't heard in ages.

If you look, you can find moments of simple joy to celebrate everyday miracles like friendship.

Gyms are temporarily closing around the globe. So what??? Once upon a time, humans stayed in shape by walking, swimming, climbing, running, bending over repeatedly--not for deadlifts--but to pick up things like rocks and berries. The canals of Venice aren't the only things getting cleaner and more natural--we humans have that same opportunity as well. Take advantage of it!

It's time for a good ol' fashion #GlowUp! Wherever you are in the world, you now have all the time you need to make yourself better, smarter, fitter, hawter, wealthier...get more creative, more resourceful, even more ambitious! Why not? We're in the midst of a pandemic--you quite literally have NOTHING TO LOSE.

No one is promised or owed a thing in this world of ours. Life can change on a dime. You're in love with the right person but in a relationship with the wrong one??? Now's your chance to clear those negatives! Have crucial conversations. Be courageous! If you can't be honest during a pandemic, when can you be?

Your moment is approaching. Be ready to seize it!

And yes, I did apply to Harvard. Harvard Business School, to be exact. I got in, too. Online classes start at the end of August. I also started a new book, sent in a proposal, and canvased a bunch of job opps. It's optimistic, sure, but LinkedIn is full of new listings--a good sign for the future.

Right before the travel ban, I was offered a job in London. Yes, London. I was considering it, too, but when the travel ban hit, so did a hiring freeze. However, that doesn't mean my life has to freeze just because the job market has.

At this stage of my life, I know my value. Even though I feel pain, I also understand that it will eventually stop. Might take some time, but we're in the midst of a quarantine...all I have is time. It's the same for each of you, too.

Today started off on the difficult side. I was feeling tired, depressed, and generally sorry for myself. But after a little #GlowUp, I remembered all the good things in my life, like the people who cared enough about me to reach out during this scary time. It made me wonder why I'd even spent a single nanosecond fretting over anyone who can't be bothered.

When we feel rejected/dejected, our perspective gets skewed. In those moments, remember who you are--and all the positives you have in your life right now. To help you do that, review recent pictures on your camera roll and remind yourself of both your inner and outer beauty. Reinforce that positive glow by listening to music and dancing around your kitchen--clothing optional! While there, try (and maybe fail at) some new recipes--you have the time! Then, look up dream jobs on LinkedIn and apply to a few. Keep working on your bucket list, too, like attending Harvard. And, no matter what's happening around you, always hold your head high and smile.

You were not built to just survive--you were built to thrive! NEVER FORGET IT!!!

Focus instead on what you can do, not what you can't. One of those things is to give yourself closure if you need it. Never wait for anyone to give it to you--because the people you need it from are already long gone. Time to self-soothe! Write yourself a letter. Let yourself know you're loved. Because, frankly, the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.

Be brave! And stay safe by staying home. Things will improve. Until then, use quarantine to make yourself better, inside and out. The moment this pandemic is over, make good on the promises you made to yourself. Tell that guy or girl you love them. Ask for a divorce. Sign up for a Master Class. Make plans to travel. Join a dating app. Go blonde. Have a threesome.

Whatever it is that makes your heart sing, do it. No more waiting. The Universe is giving you the green-light to #GlowUp...it's your Destiny. And, there's no denying Destiny.

COVID-19 is a wake-up call. Answer it! If you don't or can't, it's time to ask for help--check out the array of sessions offered right here and sign up to move your life forward today:

Built for Victory!

4 Comments

Yes, You Can!

2/19/2020

2 Comments

The thing about possibilities is that, once you recognise what those possibilities are, you've effectively removed your limits. Yes, it's true that we may be born into a world full of social disadvantage, but the limits we struggle with most are those we put on ourselves.

Mere hours ago, I thought certain realities were only possible through impossible means. Or at least, highly unlikely means. But because I had limited myself with a decision decades ago, I was living a much smaller life than what I was created for. The same can be said for most humans. Maybe it's bad advice. Or, bad examples. Perhaps it's just bad decisions. Whatever the impetus, we make choices based on the "bad" and often, those choices aren't so much a choice as they are a reaction.

Reacting to our environment is part of physical life. Stimuli appear and it forces us to move, change direction, or even, change ourselves. But reaction is not choice. We tend to forget that. However, being proactive is a choice.

What's the difference?

Reaction is something that's automatic. It's part of our survival instinct. While proaction means making deliberate decisions toward achieving desired goals. Maybe things don't always go exactly as you might expect, but when you're proactive, one, two, three, or three-million blips don't matter. You keep going. You keep going because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to.

When you keep going instead of letting frustration distract, stall, or, stop you altogether, every step you take brings you closer to your end-goal.

There are a myriad of "have-tos" in human existence. How we spend our time and who we choose to spend it with can often seem like a "have-to," but in reality, the only thing we have to do is be the best version of ourselves we can be. Sure, we all have to earn to live, but you don't have to say "yes" to things you don't want to do. You also don't have to be with anyone who doesn't absolutely make your heart sing.

Remember, there is a difference between want-to and have-to. Want comes from the soul, but need is based on fear. And fear is derived from reaction.

You are in control of your future--no one and nothing else. People who worry about things like "timing" are living fear-based lives. Being reactive instead of proactive is indicative of a victim mentality (and a good sign Narcissism may be at play). Being a victim of circumstance or "fate" is far more rewarding to the individual who wants sympathy than the natural rewards (including financial independence) that manifest through self-responsibility.

Recognising the blows life has dealt you is not the same as victimhood--it's simply acknowledging the pain and difficulty one has survived. Survival without obstacles is not really admirable. But surviving despite difficulty? That's superheroic. And one needs to remember they have super-powers in order to live the life of favor, triumph and success we were literally created for...until and unless we decide otherwise.

Your checklist for turning possibility into probability?

1. Learn what motivates you!

Understanding your fears will help you recognise when your "choices" are really reactions. Once you know your triggers, you can move mountains. Part oceans. And take on the world.

2. Ask yourself what you really want in both life and love, and be honest when you do.

We all know when we're not happy with our situation. Maybe you settled. Maybe you settled because you were scared. Maybe you were scared because someone hurt you...bad. Maybe it's all of the above. No matter what, you have to be honest with yourself. Once you recognise the lies you've told yourself (in order to accept a smaller life than you deserve), you can start to move toward expanding your world.

3. Get help!

There isn't a single CEO, President or billionaire who became who and what they are without help. So, how is it you think you can get the life you both want and deserve without it? Get support for yourself and your goals by signing up for one of my Success Sessions, or any other session that can help you remove the obstacles holding you back:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p1/success-sessions.html

4. Be brave.

You'll feel scared as you begin to turn possibility into probability. That's why having professional support is so important in order to effectively translate the skills and talents you've been favored with into triumph. Even asking for help in the first place is brave. Opening up and sharing your dreams is also brave. You can do this! I believe in you...but you have to believe, too.

"One day" is now "Day One!"

Go get 'em, Tiger....

#yesyoucan

*Thanks to Roy Dube for the music suggestion! And, a very happy birthday to one of my favourite Aquarius's (born on the Pisces-cusp!). May the next year be your best yet, Roy. You deserve nothing less, my friend. Sending positive energy, peace, prosperity, protection, light, and luck to you and yours....

2 Comments

Dr. Rebecca Housel is Opening an Online Practice!

2/17/2020

4 Comments

Hello Dearest Readers!

No matter where you live, you can now take part in personalized Skype sessions with me, Dr. Rebecca Housel, and live a life full of favor, success and triumph. You are 100% BUILT FOR VICTORY! Click on the button below and pick the session that's right for you. Whether you're looking for love, need a change of career, are dealing with parenting challenges, want to build your family, have suffered a loss--or, maybe you're living with a chronic disease--whatever obstacles you are facing,
I can and will help you navigate your way to success!

We all need help. We all need support. Unlike therapy or coaching, I'm a true expert on resiliency and longevity--in other words, a strength trainer for your mind.

What does that mean?

I'm not self-proclaimed--I have 25 years of combined educational and professional expertise, including a Masters and a Doctorate, as well as 29 years of personal experience as a survivor of high-grade cancer (and all that entails). You can read more about my work in internationally-recognized publications like Psychology Today; I'm the author of "Survive Anything," and am also listed as an expert for the world's largest mental health website, 7Cups.com, winner of Stanford Medicine's X Award. Together, we can and will retrain your brain for success in both life and love.

You can and will achieve any goal you desire. You can and will feel happier. And, most importantly, you can and will live the life of favor you were born to live.

Don't settle for just surviving when you can thrive! You don't have to accept an adequate life. You can be whoever you want and attain any goal you can imagine. Your future is limitless...and, so are you!

HOW IT WORKS:

Sign up for the session you want. After you've completed your selection, you'll receive a personalized email with your choice of dates and times to schedule your individual Skype-session. Each session is customized to your needs and will help you begin to live the life of victory you were literally built for.

Interested in learning more about #Twinflames? There's a session for that! Dealing with a #Narcissist? There's a session for that, too. Numerology questions? Yup, I've got you covered. Soulmates??? Oh yes, I'm here for you.

There are also sessions for dealing with everything from dating to grief, career, parenting, chronic illness, and end-of-life issues.

I highly recommend the "Success Sessions" for those looking to make permanent positive change. "General Sessions" are great if you're looking for support on a variety of issues. And, my research and writing on the topic of love means there are multiple "Special Sessions" designed for both men and women that can and will help you find your way through the relationship-maze on your search for "The One."

Can't wait to meet you all! The first 25 people to sign up for a session before 15 April 2020 will get an extra 1/2 session for free. All sessions are completely confidential. I get an overwhelming number of messages from folks all over the world and though I wish I had time to answer every query I receive, it's just not feasible. By offering Skype sessions through the new online practice, I can help more people live the life of victory they both want and deserve.

If you've felt stuck in a particular area of your life and want to effect real change, don't hesitate--sign up for your personalized custom session with me today!

BUILT FOR VICTORY

4 Comments

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About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

#QuarantineLife 2.0...at the Request of the Reader

Quieting Our Inner Cynic

Is S/HE Still Single???

Self-sabotage: Overthinking (in) Matters of Love

#Slainte!

Reader Questions on Twinflames

#GlowUp

Yes, You Can!

Dr. Rebecca Housel is Opening an Online Practice!

About the Author

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