This is a call to all those who have been victimized, abandoned, abused...a call to healing. You will heal; 2018 is your year. You are not alone, even when it feels like you are. I am here. And, I will not leave. I will not stop offering you my hand. I will continue to cheer you on. You do not have to change who you are at all--you can believe in any philosophy, any theology, come from any culture, belong to any ethnicity, and live in any country, any city, and any state. The only thing you have to do is believe in yourself. And, until you do, I will keep calling you to faith. Faith that you are worthy. Faith in your own value. Faith in your ideas. Faith that your life can and will improve.

Clasp your hand in mine for the next fifteen minutes and read with me. By the end of it, you will feel 100% better about yesterday, today and tomorrow. Ready? Here we go: 

It is hard to face the truth about any deliberate action meant to cause you continuous pain. Another word for that pain is trauma. Whatever the trauma, it stems from betrayal. From the sense that you can't trust people to do the right thing, even when they "love" you. You can't trust the organizations meant to protect you either, or, meant to bring justice for the crimes committed. So, you are not just betrayed by the individual or group who initially hurt you, you are also betrayed by society. You are betrayed by family and friends, too--the ones who ignore what happened. The ones who somehow find a way to blame you. The ones who call you "a problem," talking over you, and treating you like you are "crazy" and "negative." Those people are wrong. Dead wrong. Do not listen to them. Do not let them devalue you or your experience because it makes them feel uncomfortable. When you experience real trauma, it does not go away. It sticks with you. But that doesn't mean you are damaged. In fact, it's quite the opposite. 

Your survival of any trauma makes you a miracle. A positive person who feels connected. A strong person. A loving person. A compassionate person. Those who do not recognize that about you are not worth your time. Only make room in your life for positive people who exhibit compassion, kindness, love, generosity, and joy. When surrounded by toxicity, it's impossible not to get sick yourself. That's why you may find yourself stuck in a pattern of constant victimization. You are connected to abusers who keep you vulnerable. Nothing will really change for you until you recognize this.

You can't be expected to forgive yourself or others when society blames you for being victimized. When I say "society," I'm referring to the dominant social group. The prevalent hegemonic discourse, or the social message you receive on multiple levels, originates from that group. Unfortunately, there's not much we as individuals--especially those who have been victimized--can do to change a socio-political culture that has been in place for millennia. All any of us can do is decide to be more mindful. Become self-aware. Be self-responsible. Because, it's the only way you will escape the hell you're currently in. 

When you've survived trauma, it is a feat just to be alive, but being alive with no momentum only leads to more sadness. More loss. If you've been victimized, it's highly likely you were targeted because in your early life, abuse convinced you that you were unworthy. Bad. Evil. Divisive. Difficult. And, my personal favorite, "rebellious." As children, everything is magnified because you are completely vulnerable to your parents, or whoever you happen to reside with that provides you with food, shelter, clothing, and opportunities to educate. You are new to the world. Every child is therefore innocent, reflecting only what is learned from the adults around them. No one with six years on the planet should be seen as a problem. It's just not possible. The problem is with those in charge of the child. For any adult to blame a child for the adult's disconnects is part of mental illness. That does not make those of us who grew up under such scrutiny feel any better, but it at least can shed light on how and why you ended up in a place--as an adult--that keeps you vulnerable. Makes you a target. And ultimately, keeps you sad and stuck. 

Whatever happened, it's in the past. But our past a/effects our future. And if we do not deal with our very real, very legitimate feelings connected to the past, we will continue to stall ourselves and our efforts for a better, brighter future. I don't want that for you, dear readers. Or, me. 

My blog is read by people who are abusers, too. People who intentionally cause trauma. When an abuser traumatizes another person through intentional violence and/or abuse, using fear as a weapon (among other things), the abuser causes irreparable hardship. "Irreparable" means something that cannot be repaired. It also means that the consequential pain is there for a lifetime. Those who have been abused are more prone to depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, addiction, and poverty. If that makes any abuser reading this smile, perhaps you may wish to note that smiling at causing pain and suffering is a weakness. Abusers are, therefore, weak. Cowardly. Abusers are broken--not their victims. The temporary power an abuser feels when causing pain is the only way the abuser achieves a sense of control. But it's artificial. Frustration and anger are the excuses for abuse, but it is only because the abuser refuses to take responsibility for their own life and instead, blame-shifts onto others--usually people who are vulnerable to the abuser, like spouses, elderly parents, employees, and children. 

Despite decades of abuse and things like abandonment, my voice now reaches over two million people from 124 countries (for which I am humbled and grateful). No one and nothing can diminish who I am.  It's the same for each and every one of you who have been victimized, treated as less-than, and traumatized by abuse. The only power abusers will ever have is what you give to them. And that's what I'm talking about today....

Every time you want to give up, give in, make excuses, think you can't do something, feel unworthy, contemplate suicide, believe you are less-than, or, that you don't matter, you are making choices that sabotage your today and your tomorrow. That's a sign that your abuser is still in control, even if you are no longer connected to that person. When you self-sabotage, you are unwittingly giving power to those who hurt you. And, you've suffered enough, don't you think??? Being mindful and self-aware are your best weapons in what is an absolute battle for your survival.

Abuse and trauma naturally increase fear. But it also increases your sense of self-loathing. No more! When you feel yourself slipping into a downward spiral--which can be triggered by exposure to people, places and/or activities that you connect with trauma--you must recognize it. Forgive yourself for feeling that pain all over again. Give yourself a day to recover. Eat lots of chocolate, hydrate and do not drink a drop of alcohol or take any kind of chemical depressant. For the Harry Potter fans out there, think of trauma (and the connected self-sabotage) as a "dementor." You have to think of your happiest moment. Imagine yourself someplace safe. Then, visualize a time when you were truly and utterly happy. Chocolate helps increase dopamine. I recommend people who have suffered any trauma always keep a Hershey bar nearby. Not to eat it all, just to break off a square as needed. Within a few minutes, you will feel better. Working out is helpful, too. But if you don't feel like facing people at the gym, just turn on a radio and dance for 30-60 minutes. You'll feel better. A lot better. Listening to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons," is also helpful. Or, any music that makes you feel good. Watching a 30-minute sitcom or funny YouTube video can be equally effective.

Another coping strategy is something I call "proactive constructive visualization"--basically, visualizing (and focusing on)  anything that promotes positive action by imagining realistic solutions to whatever obstacles stand between you and your best life. Just considering the possibilities is a powerful act. You can speak what you visualize into a recorder or use a recorder app on your smart phone. You can write it out in a journal or on your "Notes" feature or similar app on any device. No matter what method you choose, using the power of your own voice creates solutions that can and will change your future for the better. Practice this kind of active meditation at least once a week--every day if it makes you feel better. When you begin to visualize what you want for your future, and speak those next-steps into the Universe, you are in control--not your abuser(s). You are empowered, giving yourself a road map to success. I'll sometimes do this while biking on a stationary bike or using some other piece of cardio equipment. Or, while cleaning. Even driving. It's one of the best things you can do for yourself--because, no matter what has happened to you in the past--by imagining a better future, you take away power from your abusers and give it back to yourself. That's what I call closure! 

We hear the word "trauma" a lot and I use it a lot, but what "trauma" really means is the inability of a given individual to assimilate social betrayal. "Trauma" is the power you give to those who hurt you by allowing whatever intentional pain they caused to stall you as a human being. Human psychology is programmed for connection. For companionship. For love. So when a person acts against their instincts because of fear, leading to the traumatization of others, the individual being victimized is taken by genuine surprise. Betrayal just doesn't compute. The fact that we know betrayal exists does not make accepting the unacceptable any easier. And, why should you have to accept it in the first place? You shouldn't. Never accept abuse of any kind. It is never okay and never will be. You betray yourself when you accept the abuse of others--it's just another form of self-sabotage. And, another sign that you are not in control of your own life, your abuser (still) is.

Being mindful and self-aware allows your light to shine amidst darkness. Nothing can or will diminish that--even when you feel defeated. Even when you feel ugly. Fat. Stupid. Tired. Old. Worthless. But that's just the trauma talking. Listening to the voice of trauma rewards your abusers for their negative behavior. Do not give those people one more ounce of power over your person. Anyone who hurt you is not your friend and never will be. Even an unkind word shows a lack of true friendship. When someone places limits on you--for any reason--that person is not your friend either. Distance yourself and do not feel badly about it at all. You have a right to defend yourself from any negatives. When you begin to recognize the pretenders in your midst, your life will improve. Those who emerge as users and takers are your future abusers if you allow it. We are sometimes too polite to end a friendship, not wanting to hurt people. But, you are hurting yourself when you stay connected to toxicity. People who demand more of you than they ask of themselves are actively trying to hurt you. Trying to sabotage you. Don't let them!

Next week sees the end of January and the beginning of February. Make February 1st your new January 1st. Use the coping strategies I talk about here to free yourself--forever--from the negative consequences of trauma. We will utilize the next 11 months to empower ourselves, not to give power to people who belong behind bars...agreed?

Below are 18 affirmations that will help. Take a screen shot and try to repeat them during your AM shower or before you go to bed at night. At least once a day, remind yourself of who you really are, not what the people who hurt you want you to be. You do not have to concern yourself with destroyers ever again. Because you now know that you matter more. Happiness matters more. Joy matters more. Love matters more. When you choose unconditional love of the self over abuse and violence, you are living an honorable, ethical life. That's when real love and real friendship are possible. An end to drama and trauma, and the beginning of a lifetime of peace. You will even find opportunities to earn that repair the world rather than create chaos through the exploitation of others. Being mindful or present starts with remembering these very important FACTS. Please say it with me:

1. I am beautiful.

2. I am strong.

3. I am resourceful.

4. I am talented.

5. I am worthy.

6. I am valuable.

7. I have good ideas.

8. I deserve happiness.

9. I deserve real love.

10. My life has meaning.

11. No matter what, I will not give up.

12. I will use my voice to protect myself and others.

13. I am responsible for creating my best possible future and for living my best possible life.

14. I choose solutions over problems, compassion over judgment and kindness over cruelty, regardless of how others treat me.

15. I will not allow the negative behavior of others to hurt me or my future, nor will I reward it by reacting or allowing myself to be manipulated.

16. I am committed to improving my life and will take one action each day that creates opportunities for growth--no excuses, because excuses decrease my power, not increase it. 

17. I will be proactive, not reactive--fear is the only enemy I have to concern myself with

18. #EMMA: "Everything In My Mind Awaits." 

Sending each and every good soul healing, light, luck, peace, and joy. I believe in you!!! And in 2018, you will start to believe, too. 

#Arise, my friends...it's time.

It's like swallowing a shot of good whiskey, having the best sex of your life and smoking a cigarette all at the same time. This feeling. A kind of madness. Creeping along my spine. Tickling the tip of my clit. Pushing me to purse my lips and blow. I want to laugh hysterically, weep sorrowfully, and love with the kind of abandon that makes me scream out:

"Gawd help me...oh gawd, please help me...."

The wind is not whispering today. She roars. Like me. The invisible lion in your midst. Easy to ignore until the roof of your house is torn off. 

The messy masses spill over the edge of the social sinkhole like ants running from a flooded nest. Not flooded because of rain. Flooded because a five-year old decided to turn the contents of his sippy-cup all over the sandy crack in the sidewalk. A crack where he observed busy ants peacefully wandering to and fro. Human instinct is disruptive. Destructive. A far cry from constructive. 

Is a fifteen-year age difference *really* that much of a difference? Not if the man is a few months shy of 31, educated and gainfully employed when the two first canoodle in a selfie booth. Hawtness isn't connected to age--it's about confidence.The only "Difference Engine" that matters was written by Gibson and Sterling. 

"Different is not deficient." That's what the intellectuals say. Except, not everyone knows how to differentiate between intellect and intellectualization. Displacement isn't the same as being displaced, you know. 

Do you? Know? Or, do you just say "no" because a television commercial tells you to?

It's the lover you trusted pushing inside you without a condom after you ask him not to. It's opening a new box of granola bars and realizing they are suddenly shorter, thinner and generally less-than but cost more. It's having a room-mate sign a lease, yet "forget" to pay his rent for five months while eating your food, using your clean towels, your electricity, and your high-speed internet. It's being abandoned by your parents as a teen with a four-month old only to later learn family and friends were told you weren't kicked out at all--it was you who somehow wanted to leave. Because, every new mother wants to become homeless, right? Right??? 

Cruelty lacks common sense. And, sensibility. Like locking your teenage daughter out of the house and refusing to give her the key because she's the one who can't be trusted when one parent is going bankrupt while fucking a cat groomer and the other secretly plans to commit suicide. Yes, the daughter is clearly the problem in that scenario. Girls always are.  

We no longer live in a shame-culture. Honor means nothing. Ethics are just the excuse behind what has become the new crucible, minus Arthur Miller. More's the shame. Except, no one ever feels ashamed. At least, not anymore. 

People place limits on everything but their stupidity. Those same good folks believe women aren't worth equal pay, equal jobs, equal promotions, equal raises, or deserve to to be called #POTUS. Inane and insane, but not necessarily in the membrane. For, how is it that a 95-year old Stan Lee requiring in-home medical care can be accused of sexual harassment??? It's innocent until proven guilty, not guilty because of greedy, exploitative people using the new awareness of real victims (and victimization) to their advantage. Women cannot really expect to be treated equally in the future when stooping to the level of men...can they? 

By the way, Thor lives in Upstate New York where he keeps bees and crafts a line of "natural" cosmetics made from their honey. It's true. 

The future is not bright. It's fucking vibrant. And, vibrating. 

Better keep extra batteries in your drawer....

#Cream

Sliding across skin like silk. Slipping along sultry lines. Singing as it moves. A low hum. The stars still shine, even when we cannot see them...do you?

I do....

My light is infinite. It stretches to eternity and back again. Like the lines of my stomach. Quivering to the touch. Invisible hairs standing on end. You are just a man, after all. But I am more. Much more.

My heart, however, is only human. She grows tired. Sad. When human life ends, it ends because there has been an accumulation of loss. So much so, the human body can no longer breathe. Hard to imagine this body as something other than what it is. Smooth. Supple. Like satin fabric sailing along the surface, as if in the midst of a dance. One fluid movement. Graceful. Elegant. Not at all like life.

Life is clunky. Chunky. Full of holes. Inconsistencies. Impermanence. Inky tears that leave stains down sun-drenched cheeks. My chest hurts and the pain travels down my right arm to the empty palm of my hand. Lavender graces the tips of my curling fingers, making my olive skin look warmer, despite the cold. 

Humans lie. Even when they don't have to. Fear is the unreasonable reason, causing an unseasonable season. It has been winter for three years now. But spring is ever-green beneath the frost-layer. In the same way love underlies fear. Or, is it the other way around? I'm never quite sure.... 

How often have I thought of your soul. So light, so warm yet trapped in that baggy husk you drag around. Easier for you to hide yourself that way, I suppose. But you cannot hide from me. Nor can I hide from you. Within hours of reading Sartre, you do the same. But, through me. As if you hear an echo from the future--one you were meant to share. You do share it, just not in the way either of us expected.

You're a shadow on my wall. Always moving behind me. Beneath me. While I am the light at the end of your tunnel. No matter how close you think you are, you never seem to reach it. Reach me. Like feeling the touch of your hand as your thumb moves along my lower lip. Or, your soft beard between my thighs. Or, my thumb, curving over your sensitive tip, then gently moving through your downy-soft curls.

No matter how feathered my wings, I still bleed. I still cry. I still feel. And, I still love. 

Still. Always.

Magic is real. So are miracles. For, I exist. So do you. The pain may be great. But so is the joy. The laughter. The smiles upon smiles for miles upon miles. You are more than just a fellow traveler. And, I am more than an addiction. That much, you should already know.

You do not have to apologize for feeling love or wanting love or needing love. Maybe one day, you will remember. 

May I share my fondest wish? It is to experience equity while still human. It's the one thing I have yet to witness first-hand. We create wonders with our mouths, our bodies,  our hands, and our minds. How very sad, and quite strange, that we still somehow feel unworthy. 

I can recognize my reflection. But I do not think you can say the same....

#Seer

Truth is always stranger than fiction. When I talk about the importance of leaving the past behind, I'm speaking from a place of real-life experience. When we are wounded, we tend to wound others. Including ourselves. I don't want that for any of you, dearest readers--to be sitting in the same place, doing the same thing come January 2021 when you could be using the next three years to make your dreams a reality. Is there any person worth sacrificing the next three-to-five years of your life for--stalling yourself, your goals, and your dreams? Is putting your life on hold to hold on to the pain (or a person who gives you pain) really worth it? 

Perhaps you are afraid to let go of the pain (or person, as the case may be) because, sometimes, it feels like it's all you have left. I completely understand. I move forward, but only in inches. A little here and there, but not nearly with the strength and speed I'm capable of. Part of me doesn't really know if I want to anymore. Why bother? The world uses women. We get passed over for jobs, promotions, raises...and that's with hearty helpings of sexual harassment on the side. CFO's of multi-million-dollar companies paying you literally nothing yet complaining that you are making too much when you refuse to sit on their lap. Or, getting pushed out of your job by a group of men because you publish books read by more than five people and get nominated for awards every year...and, they don't. Or, making major compromises to pursue freedom, happiness and independence only to be punished by the men in your life for wanting all three.

I can keep fighting the good fight, but even when I succeed professionally, there's always someone in my personal life waiting to use me up. Two steps forward, three steps back. It's frustrating. I vacillate between wanting to reserve my energy for simply joys like hiking and spending time with my nephews, to committing what little I have left to remaking myself and my future--despite the enormous odds against me. Maybe you can relate???

Self-sabotage is what creates conundrums--or, logical loops. Pushing away people who can help you move your life forward in order to hold yourself back is a similar "why bother" psychology, but instead of having real-life experience as evidentiary support for your thinking, your proof is based entirely on personal insecurities. Fantasy. What you imagine is happening in someone else's head instead of looking around you and seeing the truth. Either way, moving forward is difficult. In my case, I must continue to put myself out there for both professional rejection and real life scrutiny. I must continue to field sexually-inappropriate comments and actions from males in positions of power AND those who aren't. And I must do it all with a smile. Because, it's the only chance I have of breaking free from the cycle of abuse. It's the same for anyone who has social disadvantages. It's not fair, but fairness is not exactly something larger society is known for, is it???

There are plenty of people who will create road blocks for you, that's why it's so important that we not help those individuals who want to hurt us by hurting ourselves. We have to believe in our future, no matter what. Even if we're tired. Even if we can only move in inches. Progress is still progress. And, that's what we must focus on--not our perceived failures or potential rejections. Clinging to the past reduces our chances of a successful future. Hopes, wishes, dreams, and fantasies can only become real if we commit to making them real by taking responsibility for ourselves. That means working harder than you've ever had to work before, and never, ever giving up. It also means no more excuses. No more fear. No more listening to naysayers or any negative talk. You may not be able to discard those who are creating obstacles or punishing you for whatever reasons people feel the need to punish, but you can turn them off. You don't have to listen. And you most certainly do not have to believe the nasty, negative things being said (and/or done).

You matter. But YOU must believe in yourself before anyone else can.

Any individual who creates problems in your life will never be the solution. I can't tell you how often I wanted it to be the opposite; it helps to have the person who hurt us acknowledge our pain and suffering through a sincere apology. But, the people who cause us real harm are incapable of doing anything else. Even if a miracle happened, and years later, the person who hurt you suddenly wanted to apologize--it really wouldn't matter. Because, if it takes an individual that much time to apologize, the apology is disingenuous. Fake. Done for reasons other than wanting to repair whatever was broken. When you hurt someone unintentionally, the impulse to apologize is almost immediate. When a person comes back after an extended period of time to make amends, it's only because you have something that individual desires. Your ego may want you to believe this turn of events is because of you, but it's more likely about whatever supply you can provide to a taker, a user, and ultimately, a person who will become your future abuser--IF you let them. 

Abusers trade or commodify unconditional love of and by the individual for the conditional love of a particular social group. It's a bad trade. Instead of working hard to live the life the abuser really wants, he will live the life he believes others want him to live in order to maintain social acceptance, but also to self-sabotage. Abusers have victim-mentalities, even though they are the ones who victimize others. An abuser will never do anything that will remove them from negative influences because then, they'd no longer have an excuse to be angry or frustrated with the world. Abusers will always require you to martyr yourself in some way--sacrifice your career, education, your desire to have a family, maybe ask you to cash out your retirement or any savings you have, even require you move far away from family and friends. These sacrifices are meant to isolate you, keep you vulnerable. When surrounded by people who ask you to be a martyr in order to gain their acceptance, it's easy to forget that you have the freedom to make a different choice. A better choice, because it would mean choosing happiness by choosing what you want. Choosing it because it's what's best for you. Not because someone else thought it was a good idea. Or, threatened you, holding you emotional hostage.

Abusers are ultimately lazy. Whatever you do for them, it's something they do not want to do themselves. That's not love. Not even close.

We often make the right choices to potentially improve our lives--that's never really the issue. The problem is in committing to those choices. We get easily distracted by things like the "why bother" psychology because we don't really want to succeed. We're afraid. Afraid we might fail. Fail not because we deserve to fail, but because others will reject us. Fear of rejection is the biggest mistake any of us make. Who cares if someone rejects you? There are seven-billion people on our planet. You only need one of those seven-billion to accept you and/or your ideas. The odds are actually in your favor. Therefore the only real rejection any of us have to worry about is our own. When we are reluctant to commit to ideas, people, or other long-term projects, we are self-sabotaging. Martyrdom is self-sabotage as well--you can't commit to anything if you have nothing. And, that's exactly what will happen, no matter how many degrees you have, or how many years you've dedicated to your career.  

Conditional social acceptance by an individual (or a group connected to the individual whose acceptance we desire) will not make you feel alive. It will not set your heart and soul free. It will not bare your children. It will not make you rich either. It just makes life a little easier--at least, temporarily. Complacency via comfort surrounding the familiar will trick you into thinking things are fine when they're not. And, while it is entirely sad to realize you made a colossal mistake long after you make it, the only person who can "fix it" once you do recognize the issue is the person who made the regretful choice(s) to begin with. That's you. No one else is responsible. Period.

We're often encouraged to make compromises in society. Especially vulnerable individuals. But, no one who truly cares for you will ever ask you to compromise your safety, your security, your home, your dreams, your job, your dream-job, your well-being, or your finances for their benefit. It's unconscionable. Like buying cigarettes for a little girl so she can lose weight. Or, taking advantage of a teenager when you're 35 and have been married and divorced twice already just to get free rent. Or maybe, telling someone who loves you that you want to have a baby and get married when you don't, just so you can live in a nice house, go on a nice vacation, and get a free wardrobe upgrade. That level of unconscionable.

Sadly, the past, such as it is, cannot be changed. We can only change ourselves. Be more present. Mindful. Self-aware. Stop trying to take. Stop trying to use and/or abuse. And start healing from the inside out. When you heal yourself, you can heal others. Healing is what allows us to move our lives forward. The sadness from my many, many losses can sometimes overwhelm me. But then, I think of all the things I'm grateful for--including you, dearest readers. I think of the future we are building together, brick-by-brick, day-by-day. And, I smile again. Because we're making the world a better place. It is happening. Slowly, steadily, we will all be the winners of our own lives. Today, we are more than two-million strong. Multiply that number by eight, and you'll get an idea of how and why EACH of you matter. Our numbers continue to rise...just like us. Together, we connect (and therefore, influence)  nearly 17,000,000 people in more than 120 countries around the world. 

You. Matter. So do I.

Regret has an air of entitlement to it. Entitlement is another form of self-sabotage. When you feel like you're owed, you'll always be disappointed. Always be a "victim." Gratitude, however, is all about being thankful for what we do have--not expecting things we don't. Gratitude moves us forward. Regret holds us down and back. Choose to think happy, positive thoughts. Choose to believe that your life can and will improve. Choose to have compassion for yourself and others, forgiving those who have trespassed against you because it does not serve you to hold on to anger.

Looking back and wondering what could have been is nothing more than a psychological trap. We can only ever move in one direction. That's why being mindful--or, self-aware--is so important to having a better future. To move yourself closer to that future, watch what you say, how you say it, when you say it, and, what you do, or, don't do. Today becomes tomorrow in the blink of an eye. You can never go backwards, so use wisdom, patience and light as you walk the path we all travel on...together, even if apart. Move through each moment of each day with peace and joy, grateful for your life, and you will eventually see positive change.   

Though there is plenty that can (and will) hold us down and back, it is up to us to set those things free with the utmost ferocity. When we do, we become free, too. And, that's what "living" really means. Freedom. To love. To laugh. To live. Without compromising ourselves or others. Without sacrifice. But instead, with outrageous joy and a full, happy heart. 

#SAVAGE

Every new year brings a clean slate, a second chance and new opportunities. And, while nearly every gym in America is jam-packed on January 2nd, it is not the people who have early momentum that actually succeed at reaching their new-year-goals. So, if you are just trudging through this first week of January, exhausted from the holiday-fervor of cooking, baking, decorating, hosting, traveling, and over-spending, there's no need to throw in the towel just yet. There's still 361 days left in 2018. Plenty of time to #SLAY....

When I say "slay," I'm not referring to Buffy or vampires or dragons, for that matter. I'm talking about your goals, your life, your dreams...and making all of that bigger, better and braver than ever before. In order to prepare for the work ahead in 2018, it pays to think about it a bit. Visualize what you want, how you want it, where you want it, and of course, when you want it. You may feel daunted when considering how to kick-start any new long-term goal or project for the new year...that's where planning and preparation come in. But you can't plan or prep if you're too tired to do so.

Sleep is always easier when your world is in order. If you haven't already, use the upcoming weekend to clean up the holiday mess(es). Take down your decorations. Buy new or repurpose old storage bins, boxes and bags to keep everything organized for next year. It will make your December 2018 (and January 2019) much more merry and bright. Once you have the last remnants of 2017 cleaned up, you can move on to manifesting your goals in 2018. Personally, sleeping more is at the top of my 2018 to-do list.  

I get up very early and often edit and write very late. When I was traveling from coast-to-coast, I'd try to keep 20-hour days; it made it easier to connect with people everywhere in the world. Sadly, that schedule stuck with me even though flying is no longer a weekly occurrence. Don't get me wrong--I loved seeing different cities, meeting new people--but frequent travel is hard on relationships at every level. You can't really be there for family and friends. In 2017, I didn't miss a thing. It felt really good. But the lack of sleep...that's something that has to change.

2018 is YOUR year. It's my year, too. But in order for any of us to be successful, the first step is taking care of ourselves. Yes, you should move your body daily. Yes, you should eat a predominantly plant-based diet of whole (not packaged) foods. Yes, you should meditate, go to talk therapy, get acupuncture, stay socially active, AND unplug from things like social media and TV to manage stress. But BEFORE you can even think about doing any of that, you first need your sleep. People that regularly sleep 6-7 hours a night are less prone to getting colds, flus, and even more serious disease, like certain cancers, depression, and anxiety. 

Ever notice how when you lose sleep, you're less motivated? You just grab a bowl of cereal, plop in front of the TV, and the next thing you know, it's noon (or later), and all you did in that time was basically feed the dog and yourself??? Essentially, when we deny ourselves the 6-7 hours of sleep our bodies (and minds!) need, we are plugging in to a cycle of self-sabotage. You come up with reasons why you can't sleep...but none of those reasons mean you actually can't sleep. Your body is made to sleep. If you aren't sleeping, it's probably because of external sources. 

I have no tolerance for the I-can't-club. If you want someone to wipe the drool off your bubbling lips, go home to mommy. I'm only talking to people who want to win. People who want to succeed. People who are tired of being tired. Tired of being poor. Tired of feeling weak. Tired of the hopelessness and helplessness. Tired of being vulnerable to others. Tired of waiting for the world to wake up, be more kind and compassionate. More fair. More just. You'll wait a lifetime if you want someone other than you to help you succeed. Half the people you know quietly want you to fail because when you fail, you become complacent and that means you'll be amenable to doing what they want when they want it. 

Enough! 

If you want to stand up and out, to succeed, to thrive, to become empowered...you must first be able to proactively think, feel and do. When you're tired, you can only be reactive, not proactive. If exhausted, you can barely function, let alone create something from nothing. That's why sleep is my first topic of 2018. I want you to get it, and get it every night. No excuses! Excuses are self-sabotage. You may not be able to tackle all your bills this week, or find that dream job, or take that once-in-a-lifetime trip. We're only 4 days into 2018. Pace yourself. What you can do--today, not tomorrow--is get the sleep you need to make the progress you want in the year ahead:

1. Turn off all electronics. No exceptions.

Do not play with your phone, laptop or iPad in bed!!! No TV either. Beds are for sleeping. Sex, too, but if you want to have better sex, you need to make better sleep a priority.

2. Turn out all the lights and make sure your windows are properly covered.

You need complete darkness and quiet to sleep without interruption. In the past, I've used music to help me head into dreamland--a simple playlist on low volume equated to about an hour of sleep-inducing sound. Within that hour, I'd drift off and unlike falling asleep to TV, there'd be no light or further sound to interrupt my sleep later. 

3, Meditate.

This is actually how I sleep today. It doesn't matter what's happening around me, when I go deep enough into meditation, I can drift easily into sleep. Relaxation is how this happens. Falling asleep in a lover's arms may have the same effect, but the moment that person moves, or coughs, you're awake again. If you've never meditated before, try this:

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let your tongue drop from the roof of your mouth. Imagine yourself some place safe. It can be real or fictional. Begin counting in your mind, 3,3,3, 2, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1. Slow your breathing. As you begin to relax, stay centered on your body--your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your neck, your chest, your arms, etc.. See yourself whole and healthy. If you do this after 16-waking-hours of balanced eating, hydrating and moving while laying in a comfortable bed situated in a dark, quiet room, you will start to fall asleep. 

Keep a fresh bottle of water next to your bed in case you need a drink. Stash Tylenol, antacids, lip balm, and wet wipes nearby. Make sure your bed linens are clean and comfortable. Make sure you're clean and comfortable, too. Take a bath or quick shower to wash away the day and get into PJ's that won't make you too hot or too cold. Brush and floss your teeth. Put on lip balm before you turn out the lights. I find doing some light stretching helps to relax my body. Nothing strenuous. Just rolling your head, shoulders, and touching your toes. You can try using lavender-scented oil or cream on your hands before slipping under the covers and heading off to dreamland.

More helpful hints for catching 40-winks:

-If you have to get up early, go to bed early. I know my eyes pop open each day between 4:30-5am. Just how I'm wired. But I'm guaranteed to be in bed by 10:30pm if I lift weights that day. Even a half-hour of cardio can help make you naturally tired, insuring a sounder sleep. 

-What you eat (and drink) during the day can help or hinder your sleep as well. If you eat spicy food, or a very large meal, close to bedtime, you may feel hot or have digestive issues when you sleep. If you drink more than one glass of something like tequila or whiskey, you may have the same problem. Try to keep your meals to no more than 300-500 calories each, five times a day; it will keep your blood sugar level and your digestive system on track. Drink water! I don't drink nearly enough, but I avoid sugary juices and soda, sticking to decaf organic teas and sparkling water with a wedge of lemon or lime.

-Don't engage with toxic people or watch disturbing TV shows, video games and/or movies for at least an hour before you go to bed. Clean up any dishes in the sink and make sure clothing isn't strewn around your bedroom but in a laundry basket or put away in a dresser or closet. 

-Keep a fresh bottle of water next to your bed in case you need a drink. Stash Tylenol, antacids, lip balm, and wet wipes nearby. Make sure your bed linens are clean and comfortable. Make sure you're clean and comfortable, too. Take a bath or quick shower to wash away the day and get into PJ's that won't make you too hot or too cold. Brush and floss your teeth. Put on lip balm before you turn out the lights. I find doing some light stretching helps to relax my body. Nothing strenuous. Just rolling your head, shoulders, and touching your toes. You can try using lavender-scented oil or cream on your hands before slipping under the covers and heading off to dreamland.

-If you have young kids or old dogs living with you, your sleep will be interrupted. But any disturbance will be temporary and you can and will fall back to sleep if you take even half of my advice. If you have things like debt hanging over your head, it could interrupt your sleep, too. Do your best to work with banks and make a reasonable payment schedule so you feel less stress about it. Basically, minimize any stressors from your waking-hours so you can get the rest you need to eliminate all of the obstacles in your life in 2018...including lack of sleep!

Getting 6-7 hours of sleep each night for a month will create new neural pathways in your brain, diverting or rerouting your old sleep habits. You may still have a sleep-fail in your future, but as you get more consistent rest, you will find yourself more energized, more motivated, and having more clarity overall. And THAT is how you #SLAY 2018. 

No more self-sabotage! Getting a good night's sleep is where it all begins. That's your job this week--make 6-7 hours of sleep a priority. When you do, you make yourself a priority, too. Unconditional love of the self has to start somewhere. If you're like me and have few sources of positive social support, it's even more important to have your full wits about you. That means getting your sleep. And, bonus, regular rest also keeps you looking younger...so does having sex 3-4 times a week.

Here's to having sweeter dreams (and better sex!) in 2018....

#SLAY