Honesty is part of self-awareness. When you're self-aware, you are more confident. When you're more confident, you can be consistent, reliable, and yes, honest. But being "honest" with others is not so honest if you only share the truth at your convenience (or, after getting what you want). "Convenience honesty" is manipulative. You are attempting to control others by picking and choosing when (and what) to share. Using honesty only when it suits you is still lying, even if you couch your lies in phrases like, "I just want to be honest." 

​Honestly??? Lol....

Truth is almost always inconvenient. No one wants to think, speak, or listen to the truth if it means not getting what you want. Our collective love-affair with lies is part of why honest people tend to be taken advantage of. If you speak the truth about yourself all the time, you give others information that can and will be used against you. That's where privacy comes into play.

Being a "private" person is not the same as lying. Choosing not to share details about your life and relationships with others is a way to protect yourself and the people you care for. However, if you wish to build intimacy with another person, you must decide to share those details if you want the connection to stick. It's wholly unethical to withhold necessary information from an individual who needs it to make any decision in connection to you and/or your life. Withholding information (and/or affection) is a kind of self-sabotage but also, social sabotage--you're hurting yourself and others. Something to think about....

Speaking the truth is how we make ourselves vulnerable. If you want to build trust, you have to allow yourself to be honest. That means being truthful not just some of the time, but ALL of the time. When you are honest, you make space for another person to love you. However, that same space allows for you to be taken advantage of, too. Honesty can, therefore, be a tricky proposition.

Lie to protect yourself, but then, no one can love you. Tell the truth to gain love, but then, someone can hurt you. Discernment is the art of knowing who to share what with and when. Takes time and practice, and even then, there will always be a risk that someone you open up to will reject you, use you, abuse you...sadly, that's part of living in a world full of instant gratification.

Instant gratification (via technology) devalues the human experience. In other words, instant gratification devalues the truth. But the truth is that we all have to lie at some point in our lives to survive. Why? Because, humans almost always use judgment over compassion.

Judgment encourages dishonesty, while compassion supports the truth. If you want people to be more honest with you as an individual, you have to be more compassionate.

Lies help us to avoid social scrutiny. For example, if you want your kids to be honest with you (at least, most of the time), don't judge them for their humanity: "But, I'm the parent. It's my job."

No, it isn't. Your job is to support your child, no matter what. If your kid needs your help, your job is to provide it. It's really that simple. So is love...until lies complicate "true" feelings. Then, resentment builds. 

Resentment can build in any relationship if one or more of the individuals involved use judgment over compassion. Judgment derives from having an attitude of superiority. Compassion derives from humility--showing gratitude by not taking anything or anyone for granted. Of course, there are exceptions where abuse is involved and resentment is actually considered a positive, healthy response (though the abuser will often try to push responsibility back onto the victim).

Know a few judgmental types? Deep down, they're ungrateful sods. Distance yourself.

The ingrates of this world have victim-mentalities. Anyone who scrutinizes others instead of celebrating them (aka prioritizing problems over people), is looking to start trouble. You will never have peace with ungrateful souls because nothing you say or do will ever be good enough. Using judgement over compassion is simply a manifestation of a strong lack of desire to take responsibility for one's own feelings, thoughts and actions. Making any judgment about others distracts from the disconnects of the person making them. 

Casting social judgment is just another iteration of lying. It's equivalent to starting a rumor by discussing other people in a negative light when they're not there to defend themselves. Be wary of individuals who "cast aspersions" (make damaging remarks that hurt another's reputation)--if someone talks about others to you, rest assured that individual also talks about you to others.

"Honest" people are not always honest. But when you meet someone who tells you the truth whether it is convenient or not, keep that person close.

Telling the truth, no matter what, is a sign of courage, friendship, caring, and love. People who lie to avoid "hurting your feelings" are lying to avoid the truth--it has nothing to do with you or your feelings. It's either about their survival (or, what you can do for them--as with sycophants), or more likely, the dishonest individual simply doesn't want to put in the effort it takes to speak the truth.

Lies are always easy to tell (and even easier to believe) because lies tell us what we want, not what we need. Yet, the truth is still a constant. But when "honest" people try to filter truth through social lenses like theology (or religion), truth gets muddied by individual context. This is called "semantics." Semantics is the study of the relationship between words and how they're used.

Here's an example:

When an "honest" guy tells a woman he's single even though he's not, he's lying to get what he wants. Once he gets his "reward," he'll gradually begin distancing himself--not because he doesn't want to continue--but to hide his initial lie(s). Only after distance and avoidance fails, will that man resort to "truth":

"I'm back with my ex and feel it's disrespectful to talk to you now, even though I enjoy it."

Translation:

"My "ex" is my partner, not my "ex." I cheated on her with you because I wanted to, lying to you in the process until you finally complied with what I wanted. Once you complied, I had to go back to my "real" life which means we can't talk or I'll get caught. You see, I'm financially and/or emotionally codependent so can't risk changing my relationship for anyone's benefit, including my own."

That's semantics in a nutshell. The guy probably sees himself as "honest" because he had legitimate interest in the woman he met, even though he was already attached to someone else. He initially lied because of these" legitimate" feelings--at least, that's what he told himself.

Most people can't live with who they really are or what their "real" lives are like and lie to manipulate others in order to get what they don't have (yet still feel is "deserved"). Even if this man had a bad life and deserved better, why does "better" require hurting someone else? The woman he wooed under false pretenses (aka lies) thought she was starting a new relationship with a single man. Had she known the truth, she likely would not have slept with him and if she still did, she would not have expected anything more from him. But once the lie was told and the "relationship" began, her expectations naturally shifted. Clearly, the man understands this and even acknowledges it by lying again to soften the actual truth.  

To be honest, lies are often told with the best of intentions...that's why the road to hell is said to be paved with them. Believe it or not, the man in our example had no ill-intent toward the woman he lied to. In the back of his mind, he even hoped she was the Prince Charming to his Cinderella. Maybe she could save him from his so-called life??? But these fairy tales are fantasies, delusions--lies we tell ourselves to avoid confronting often unpleasant and painful truths. 

When we lack self-awareness, we may not even recognize how dishonest we are being with ourselves, nor with anyone else. The example above shows a man who is in deep denial of his own feelings about his own life. Rather than work to resolve those issues, he looks for "band-aids"--like sleeping with other women.

People are not band-aids. But for a very short time, this man felt loved and desired. He felt important. He felt hope. He felt like his life had meaning. If his life is such that he cannot easily disentangle from it, seeking joy and happiness where and when he can is reasonable. Except, it's highly selfish and incredibly narcissistic to invite people into your life when you have no ability to maintain a real connection. That's the sad part...lies prevented this man from moving on to what could have been a "better" relationship. The real truth would have set him free. It can set you free, too.

Being honest with ourselves means embracing our truth--good, bad and ugly. If you're stuck, use the truth to find a way around your obstacles. As long as you understand your true motivations, you can move your life forward towards "better," not just for a day or a week...but forever.

Sound good???

Honestly, you got this....

Being proactive doesn't mean you have to be happy, cheery and positive every single day. It just means you know your place in the world outside of any other person, alive or dead. No particular job is needed to define you. You don't have to be an executive for a Fortune 500 company to feel worthy or talented...or, get paid. 

Within you, there is a sense of purpose ONLY YOU can define.

You define your purpose by nurturing yourself. Nurturing yourself allows you to recognize your gifts, helping you to bloom, grow, evolve, and expand beyond the social boxes others built for you before you were even born.

When you take care of you, you automatically become more self-aware.

Once you can see yourself for who you really are, you wake up each day with purpose, knowing that no matter what happens--whether you lose a job, a relationship, a friend, a home, or become injured--you are still you and that means, your gifts and talents are still yours, too. You have ownership of your own life.

You have a sense of authority.

Knowing who you are helps build confidence and self-esteem. If you know your value, you'll be less inclined to accept behaviors and/or attitudes from others that take you for granted. 

When someone stops speaking to you despite your importance to their life, let them go. Especially if you have reached out repeatedly and your attempts to reconnect were met with silence. It's self-sabotage to try to connect (or reconnect) with anyone who prioritizes problems over people.

A person who truly loves and cares for you--whether family, friends or romantic partners--will always seek solutions.

If an individual focuses on negatives or problems instead of seeking solutions (or resolutions), that person is your enemy. Jealousy, envy, greed...these are the usual underlying causes. 

It's hard to love people who always put you in a position where you have to defend yourself--which is wholly different than being defensive. When you have to explain who you are over and over again, you are falling for what is commonly known in psychology as "baiting."

Defensive people will attempt to bait you by challenging your otherwise unchallengable integrity.

Consistency will always be your best defense in such circumstances. And, distance. But leveling up also requires discernment. 

Discernment is knowing when you are being manipulated by people who wish to distract you from the truth in order to keep you vulnerable in some way.

When you know who you are,  you feel connected and can live a purpose-driven existence based on your talents--which in turn equates to your ultimate victory over the negative influencers in your life. That's what "discernment" means: Understanding who you are and using that self-knowledge as context in any social sphere, including professional, domestic, romantic, and familial.

If you feel like you have to shake everyone's hand, you aren't being very discerning. You lack confidence and anyone who is discerning will see that. You aren't sure of who you are, or you wouldn't be so desperate for the acknowledgement of others. The moment you feel as though you "need" someone's attention, it's a psychological "red flag" letting you know you are at least feeling vulnerable in some way. 

Needing attention is not the same as wanting to give someone attention--those two things are often confused in romantic relationships.

In a love relationship, it can be tricky to appear too eager, especially early on. Be very careful to observe the reactions or responses from the person you are interested in. If they are responding to you regularly and matching you in terms of expressions of excitement, you're on the same page--even if it seems like you're always the first to reach out. Keep things balanced, including your perspective.

Confident, self-aware people are also eager and grateful individuals. We know what we want and aren't afraid to effectively act on those feelings.

If you want to give someone attention, do it. If you need the attention of a particular person, think carefully about the relationship and why you developed what is a clear codependency. Healthy relationships on any level include freedom and independence of the individuals involved. No one should ever want or need a relationship based on fear--if you feel you need change but fear that expressing your needs will ruin the relationship, you're in the wrong relationship.

Married, not married, engaged, dating...whatever your romantic-status, when you want someone other than the person you're with, the relationship you're currently in is not meeting your needs.

A healthy partner (and relationship) is open to discussing anything without casting judgment.

But when we're in an unhealthy relationship, our first thought is often that there is something wrong with us when we aren't satisfied or fulfilled. Any sign of over-responsibility is a red-flag that we are being abused. Our lack of satisfaction comes from a lack of affection or attention, and usually points to a controlling partner.

Here are some signs that your love-relationship is based on control and/or fear, rather than love and affection:

-You try to talk out your feelings with your partner. But when you share your perspective/context, the other person becomes defensive and effectively shuts down the conversation, usually by saying things like, "You always bring up the past," or, "I can't talk to you because I'm always wrong so why bother saying anything at all."

People who shut you down without offering context (or listening to yours) are trying to hurt you. Any person who prioritizes problems over people will never be able to return real love or affection.

Shutting down communication is a defense-mechanism meant to conceal feelings of incompetency/insecurity. To be completely blunt, that person does not love you and for whatever reason, is unable to say so. If there's a lack of intimacy or enthusiasm for intimacy, or a lack of general affection, it's a broken relationship and can't be saved. You can limp on together if emotionally and/or financially codependent, but neither of you will be happy and resentment will eventually end things anyway. If you've tried to communicate with a person for months or even years and have been met with no response or hostile responses, it's time to leave. Maybe you can work it out once your partner wakes up to the fact that their behavior was hurting you and the relationship, but it's unlikely. 

-Declarations from a partner of "unhappiness" and that "things need to change" followed by the silent treatment or withdrawal of affection are narcissistic behaviors meant to try to control and manipulate. This can be taken even further and expressed as a discard based on unilateral decision-making from your partner: "I won't let you talk about your feelings or needs, and have held you emotional hostage as a result, but I've now decided you aren't worth my time." 

It's hard for people to be honest with themselves when a love-relationship they're invested in has reached an end. At some point, one or both parties will begin seeking whatever is missing from their current relationship elsewhere. The impetus to end an unhealthy relationship typically comes when you meet "the right person," HOWEVER, it's obviously a more productive choice to be honest with yourself and your current partner about your feelings BEFORE engaging in a new relationship. Working with a former partner who desires closure is the ethical way to end long-term partnerships of ten or more years. You may not be in love with one another, but you should still treat each other with respect. Being self-aware (and therefore, consistent) helps here, too--people who have respect for themselves can give it to others.

People who don't have self-respect can't give it to anyone else either. That's when things like starting rumors, and other attempts at social sabotage, happen. If a former partner tries to isolate you, withholds monies from you, or attempts social sabotage with family and friends, you don't owe that person anything more than you've already given. 

When one or both partners lack confidence and self-esteem in a relationship without financial or emotional codependencies, apathy can put the relationship at risk. Apathy is insidious. You just don't care anymore. Intimacy isn't a big priority. While you may be completely independent adults, your partnership devolves to convenient companionship. If apathy is allowed to flourish, the relationship will eventually end. At least one of the parties involved will develop an opportunity to move on to a more fulfilling, productive and caring relationship--that's when the apathetic relationship will finally come to its natural close. Otherwise, people who generally lack confidence and self-esteem are willing to "put up" with almost anything to avoid having to start over or risk being alone--hence the initial apathy. 

Discernment is a valuable skill acquired over time through multiple experiences with family, friends and colleagues. SO MANY people feel the need to lie to survive, but it is our lack of honesty that is killing us.

To truly come into your own power, you must be honest with yourself and be who you truly are.

You should never feel the need to apologize for who you are or what you want. If the people around you make you feel "crazy" or "less than" just for being you, those individuals are simply not at your level.

​Being consistent with yourself and others is your best chance at living a life of happiness, peace, love, and fulfillment.

​No one said it would be easy to break-free of the negatives in your life, including self-sabotage. But the more self-aware (aka more honest) you become, the easier it will be to discern friends from enemies and claim victory over your own life. 

So, what do you say? Are you ready to #LevelUp???

I believe in you! But you have to believe in yourself to effectively create positive change in your own life, as well as the lives of others.

​You got this....

Level Up
by Ciara

Five, four, three, two, one
Leggo! (watch me)

Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy

Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy
Them old mistakes are gone, I won’t do them no more
That’s old news, there’s new news, I done did that before
I turned nothing to something, my comeback on one hunnid'
Less talking, more action, you just gon' CiCi coming
I just keep elevating, no losses, just upgrading
My lessons, made blessings, I turned that into money
Thank God I never settled, this view is so much better
I’m chilling, I’m winning, like on another level
​
Oh, you can talk all you want
See me, I see greater
Nothing I’m afraid of
And I can have it all
Five, four, three, two, one
Leggo! (watch me)

Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy
Fake friends get dropped like weight
Team love, don’t want no hate

I’m grindin', I’m shinin'
Up, up, up on my way
Thank God I never settled
This view is so much better
I’m chilling, I’m winning
Like on another level
Oh, you can talk all you want
See me, I see greater
Nothing I’m afraid of
And I can have it all
Five, four, three, two, one
Leggo! (watch me)

Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy

All this oh so level, on another level
Elevate your level, le-le-le-level
Graduate your level, there’s no one on it
Nah, nah, nah (ay)
All this oh so level, on another level
Elevate your level, le-le-le-level
Graduate your level, there’s no one on it
Nah, nah, nah (ay)

Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
Level up, level up, level up, level up, level up
All this on me, so yummy, all this oh so yummy
You know you want this yummy, yummy all in your tummy (uh!)

Songwriters: Theron Thomas / J.R. Rotem / Ciara Wilson

Level Up lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.