Category: Built For Victory

Tips from the Coach for Valentine's Day

2/13/2022

Unsure about someone else’s feelings? You may be insecure.

That insecurity has probably led you to a place where you might feel it necessary to have multiple irons in the proverbial fire—when you're always juggling, you're perpetually conflicted (aka “insecure”). Even if you're just conflicted on the inside--or pulled in multiple directions within your own heart and mind--your insecurity is creating that conflict (as well as the anxiety that goes along with it).

Indecision (or uncertainty) comes from fear. Keeping yourself in that space is allowing a past trauma, event and/or abuser to control you, your thoughts, your feelings, and consequently, your actions.

Staying present is the solution. That's how we deepen our sense of compassion.

Insecurity is self sabotage. You don’t want real happiness, real love and real peace when you not only put yourself in the middle of conflict, but KEEP yourself there.

Beware of those who claim to want peace yet always choose war….

If you’re unhappy in a relationship, leave. If you can’t leave for financial reasons, choose peace while you build a stronger financial foundation. You do not have to compromise yourself in the interim. The chances are high that you are financially vulnerable when your partner isn't because they have financially abused you. You do not owe a person who hurt you in that way anything. They do owe you—but it’s unlikely they will recognize that. However, they might…if you ask them to.

Sometimes, all it takes to get the justice we deserve is to simply ask for it. Partners behaving in abusive ways may not even realize they are doing what they’re doing thanks to familial and cultural social psychologies that normalize the abuse and neglect of a partner—or in the case of siblings or friends, someone who is an “outsider” or “other.”

But what about when a new or potential partner “blocks” you?

First, ask yourself why the disconnect happened. Bet you already have a clue or two. After you’ve examined your own behaviour in the situation, if you still feel strongly about the connection, find a way to extend an olive branch—perhaps through email or something like LinkedIn. They don’t have to answer you and you don’t appear creepy or stalker-ish (like you would by Google-searching until you found their personal blog…eek).

“We’re not connected on LinkedIn and I don’t have the ability to send InMails to people I’m not already connected to?”

Buy the ability. Put your money where your mouth is. If the connection is strong, respect boundaries and time and personal space. It’s worth the $60 for a month or so. You may not get an answer, but you’ve probably spent more money on less valuable efforts in the past. Use the opportunity of the upgrade to your advantage professionally. You never know—you might find another income stream, or may even level-up with a totally new job opportunity AND reconnect with a person you see a future with. That said, when you do get your positive response, don’t screw it up by coming in hot, then fading to luke-warm.

Treating people like an option is not an option when you’re looking for a second chance. Words are easy. Cheap. If you’re really interested in more than attention (or narcissistic supply), then you will ask the person out after reconnecting. Or, they may suggest a meet up for something like lunch or coffee/tea. This is a crucial moment if you want this person to actually be in your future. So, you’ll need to show up. It’s a second chance—you won’t get a third.

At least, you shouldn’t….

Maybe things started off flirty (and dirty!), but these connections need to evolve from there or one of the individuals involved is a narcissist looking for supply and absolutely nothing else. They find people who are less work (ie more vulnerable) to have sex with. They’ll end up partnering with them, too, if someone gets pregnant or loses a job. Or, maybe when a pandemic hits….

If YOU remain in an insecure/conflicted space when approaching ANY romantic situation, it’s inevitable that you will eventually be blocked in some form or other. A secure adult will see your failings and will not want to be involved with an individual who is unable to make a decision or show up in a mature, stable energy.

Stability equals consistency. Consistency equals trust. If you are inconsistent, you are not stable. If you are unstable, it is because you are insecure. Insecure people are consistent in only one respect: Their lives are ALWAYS in conflict and/or in the rare moments that’s not true, they are conflicted within themselves.

How can you expect anyone else to trust you when you do not trust yourself?

Indecision is a common trait of an insecure adult. You can lift 350lbs on the regular to appear strong, but if you cannot back up your words with even the most basic of actions, you’re physical strength is only there to cover up emotional weakness.

Let that sink in for a moment…

Physically attractive folks may tend to rely on their physicality a little too much, but it only goes so far. If you have nothing behind the pretty face, pecks, or abs, then you will not get more than limited attention from stable, secure adults. If you DO get more than that from others, it’s very likely that those individuals are also insecure on some level and whatever relationship that develops between you will lead to inevitable failure.

Ouch. The truth hurts. So do insecure people. Stay away from them at all costs.

Attention seekers thrive on drama. The number one “secret” to being a secure adult?

Prioritize peace.

And yes, it really is that simple.

Judgement brings conflict. Compassion brings peace.

It’s your call, whatever you choose. Working on your self-compassion by staying present will help you to stop feeling judged (insecure) and that will in turn aid in preventing you from projecting your insecurities onto others.

Liberate yourself from unnecessary negative emotions like jealousy and envy by building up your compassion.

You’ll find that your relationships will improve across the board when you do. So will your job. And, your finances.

Are you ready to LEVEL UP in love and life in 2022???

Schedule a session and let me help you take the first step on your road to happiness, love, success, and abundance. Email below to get on the schedule for March:

[email protected]
or
[email protected]

I believe in you...but you have to believe in you, too, in order to make permanent, positive change. Until next time!

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The Power of Meditation

1/31/2022

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Meditation can do more than increase mindfulness. Study results from researchers at University of California, San Diego have shown measurable improvement in depression, anxiety, heart rate, and blood pressure when combined with sound therapy from singing bowls (link at the bottom of this page).

Yes, it's true. Stoics Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius were right:

You can control your own thoughts. It is not easy, but the possible becomes probable when we apply hard work through practice. Consistency wins again!

The best part about practicing mindfulness through meditation? The more you do it, the better you feel...and that's no joke during a global pandemic.

In fact, a recent genomic study that came out just last month from the combined efforts of medical researchers in Florida, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, and Massachusetts showed a "robust activation" of the immune system in those with poor immunity (from COVID and/or MS) after meditation--I'll include that link below as well. Unlike other studies on meditation, this one was not just qualitative, but quantitative, using advanced bioinformatics to track immune signaling pathways.

If you're new to the idea of meditation, you really ought to give it a try. As evidence continues to pile up, it begins to take the shape of self-sabotaging behaviour when we decide not to take 5-10 minutes of our day to meditate. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking that time and using it to give ourselves what appears to be a significant health advantage.

Meditation is part of what I do in my practice. Providing audio files to help clients continue the work between sessions are just some of the tools I provide to help strengthen their mind (and body, as it turns out!). The results in the last two years alone have been incredible--the numbers show big wins over nearly impossible odds from both physical and psychological obstacles. That said, I can't control what people do outside of a given session, but when people do the work, there's a 100% success rate. In order for the "magic" to happen, consistency is imperative. Just like when strength-training the body, one must physically move every single day for about three months while also being mindful of other health habits to finally see visible results. But after just a week of working out, you feel better--mindfulness through meditation requires the same level of consistent effort if you want to create a stronger, healthier mind. It's true in relationships as well, by the way: Anytime a relationship is "failing," inconsistency (in one form or another) is at the crux of the issue.

Turns out being consistent can not only save your mental health, but may actually save your life, too. If you want to help yourself get and stay healthy (and maybe help your relationships get healthier, too), follow the links below to purchase your choice of meditation products. Yes, there's an app for that but it is doubtful your app can provide you with the same experience--you get what you pay for, after all. My meditations strategically use sound therapy from a variety of hand-hewn singing bowls from artisans in Tibet and Nepal. Singing bowls provide sound therapy that corresponds to 40 different acupuncture points on the body--minus the needles! As a result, my meditations have helped folks kick bad habits, stay healthy, build confidence, improve relationships, make more money, and live all-around better lives.

You can be one of those success stories in 2022. As I have said for many, many years now right here on this blog--I believe in you, but you must believe in you, too.

If you don't take a chance on yourself, things will not change and everything you say you want is not desired more than the negative reward of remaining a victim in your own story. In case you were wondering, that's part of covert narcissism. The only cure for keeping yourself at the bottom of every relationship you have (including your relationship with yourself!) is increasing your self-awareness. Meditation can help you there, and so much more!

Click the links below to get started on your meditation journey TODAY:

Customized Recorded Meditations

Three Months of New Meditations

Add-on Meditation (for purchase with a General Session--please email me directly to make an appointment)

Interested in taking meditation a little further? Try hypno sessions!

Initial Hypno Session: Heal the Mind, Heal the Body

I'm also offering a more targeted, integrative approach in a 6-week program that uses meditation, mini hypno sessions and the Ayurvedic practice of utilizing "food as medicine" to improve overall health and wellness:

Integrative Health & Wellness Six-Week Package

I know things are tough at this point in the pandemic. But there are ways of healing the trauma and staying healthy that can help you move your life forward, no matter what.

Sending positive energy to one and all--until next time, dear readers!

2021 Study on Meditation and Immunity:

www.pnas.org/content/118/51/e2110455118

2017 Study on Health Benefits of Meditation Combined with Sound Therapy:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5871151/

To make an appointment, please email me directly: [email protected]

2 Comments

The Beach

9/22/2021

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It had been two years since I went to the beach. Two years since my blonde hair became white from too much sun, sand and surf. Two years since my skin was kissed with freckles. Two. Years.

I'd not swam in the ocean in two years either. I missed out on seeing the friends and neighbors that live in the small beach community where I spent at least a portion of every summer for the last 32 years...until the pandemic.

The ocean is home. I was born in a city on the water. Swimming in the ocean is second nature. Being in the sea with seals, dolphins, mink whales, and yes, sharks, is "normal." And the last two years have been anything but.

Friends I'd not seen in two years greeted me with cautious smiles:

"Is it okay if I bring my chair next to yours?"

Or, the need for an inevitable apology after passing a bottle of water or towel included grazing each other's hands....

The ocean, however, never even balked when I went near. The gulls didn't seem to care either.

Being in the ocean is like coming home. The gentle sway of my buoyant body amidst the waves. The soft sound of a black loon's wings as it flies across the water. The utter stillness of a calm, sunny day. No wind. No rain. Just the familiar sight of tiny silvery fish swimming a ring around me, sometimes jumping up out of the water, catching the light before silently dipping back under the surface.

These are the things only an ocean swimmer can know....

The one "rule" to swimming out beyond the sandbar is to turn back when you see a dolphin or a seal. Sharks aren't usually far behind. But rules don't apply in open water. It's just you and Nature.

There's no lifeguard at my beach. No one to save you if you begin to flounder. If you get caught in the undertow or see a fin pop up on the horizon, the only thing you can do is stay calm. Breathe. And, focus on what's in front of you.

Swimming comes more naturally than walking for me. I do much better in the water than I do on land. I'm comfortable in the sea. It's one of the few places where I experience true peace, despite the threat of multiple rows of sharp, jagged teeth. Luckily, I have teeth, too.

Two years since I'd been to the ocean. Two years since I'd been myself. Nothing made me more aware of that difference than actually going home to my little beach community. To my friends and neighbors. To the sea.

In the last two years, the surf has claimed more sand during high tide. I stayed too long in my chair on the water's edge and was nearly carried out by the waves. Even moving myself back another 10 feet wasn't enough. The ocean seemed more wild to me this year. Less forgiving. More protective.

There are now sea turtles on the beach. They never came before. But two years without tourists brought back the original residents. There's also new signs about the dangers of Great White Sharks, now coming within just six feet of the shore at high tide. It used to be that the worst thing one had to worry about was a stray Blue Fin trying to escape the too-eager nets of greedy fishermen. Now, you can be within a few meters of the shore and still be in mortal danger. That's a lot like life on land these days. It's dangerous to breathe. You can't even be outdoors with friends and not worry that you're too close.

My eyes become a shade of sea-glass-green at the beach. After going into the water. After sitting in the Sun. After laughing at the waves that try to trip me as I wander into the shallows.

Just as I began to feel more like myself again, I was called back. Back to "real" life. Back to friends and neighbors in other parts of the world. Back to prior obligations. And away from the things I love.

No more peace. No more ocean. Just a lot of hard decisions. Pragmatic, measured movements. Strategic implementation of short-term plans to meet long-term goals.

Water is still wet. But everything else has changed.

#TheBeach

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#RelationshipRX: Straight Talk with the Coach

8/7/2021

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Sure, money is important. But it means nothing without love. Everything becomes misery and tedium in a world that lacks intimacy. Touch. And, of course, passion.

It’s been so long, I hardly remember the feeling myself. Just wispy, ethereal fragments. Thin. Fragile. Nearly transparent.

The masks we wear are many. We spend more time thinking about love than effectively acting on it.

Quite tragic really. We aren't fuckable forever, you know. Ironically, that’s the very fear that holds us back from pursuing our passion.

We set ourselves on courses long before we’ve mapped out our route in an attempt to secure companionship for the long journey ahead. How very sad. We miss so much when we partner young. We don’t know it…until later. But by then, we may feel it’s “too late” to make up for all the loss, and, lost time.

Time is the one commodity we can never obtain more of.

That is the very reason I’m writing this essay—to remind those of you who are awake to stop dawdling. Whatever it is that is stopping you from the pursuit of passionate love, please, I beg you, put away those fears.

You will one day see (perhaps too late) how stopping yourself from having warmth, love and light in your life was, indeed, self-sabotage.

Yes, probably early in your childhood, someone reinforced the idea that love isn’t real, can’t be trusted and should be avoided at all costs. The message that love is not worth it…that, we are not worth it, was conveyed. Subtly. Sadly. And, silently. Hence, any broken heart you’ve ever endured.

So today, I ask every pair of eyes reading these words to think and think deeply. To be honest, at least with yourself. Ask what you really want—besides money. Who embodies that love and passion for you? If you can answer that question, then drop everything right now and go. Go to that person. Tell them how you feel. And, for fuck’s sake, make it happen!

If you have yet to find your embodiment of passionate love, what are you waiting for???

We may have many lifetimes but you only live this particular one once. If you anticipate problems with any relationship where love is present, you are self-sabotaging.

All fear-based decisions are reactive. Reactive choices are not real choices--they are merely fear-responses to environmental stimuli. Yet, you are not a plant. You are not a vegetable. You are not an insect. Well, some of you may be dung beetles in human suits, what do I know. But if you are currently wearing a human suit, use that complex brain and those ingenious opposable thumbs outside of the fekkin’ hamster wheel you’ve been duped into (endlessly) spinning. Use it to find love, earn love and keep love…until death do you part.

And please, STOP GIVING LOVE AWAY.

STOP SABOTAGING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS (and, the happiness of those connected to you).

Who we are ONLY matters because of love. You think that your children will hate you for choosing love? You think your family and friends will shun you? Disown you? Make fun of you???

WHO. CARES.

People will always envy those with the courage to act, and act effectively. Your family and friends say “no” when your soul is screaming “yes, yes, yes!”? That’s when something called “soft boundaries” are really, really important to implement.

Listen, no one but you has to live with the consequences of denying yourself the love you both want and need. Look around you. Is everyone telling you “no” happy themselves? Are they with a partner? Do they give you say over their lives???

Regardless of the answers to the questions above, every single one of us has one job, and one job only—to stay in our own lane. We can’t control others. We can only control our own thoughts. Our own feelings. And, our own behaviours. Yes, we need people to survive the world, but there are 7 billion of us. If the folks around you are stopping you from having happiness, love, joy, success, and outright miracles in your life, you don’t need them in your life anymore. Find better people. Find those who will not hold you back or down. Who will not require vertical relationships. Or, codependencies. For once, choose you. When you do, you also choose love.

One day, I will find it—the love AND passion AND in a package that includes fearless loyalty, fierce friendship and the energy to sustain both for decades to come. I am the Sun. I am light, love and infinite energy. And, I will not settle for anything or anyone less than that very same fiery magic in and all around me.

Learn who you are and what you want. Then, never stop looking until you find it.

Be savage for yourself. Be a warrior for your own cause. Fight for you. Fight for what you both want and need. And never, ever stop. Keep going! Stay uplifted!!! It will happen for you—that lifelong passionate love.

You have to have faith that if you exist (and, you do…), then, so must your equal. Let your soul send out its beacon and call in that person. In the meantime, get out there! Walk the Earth until you find them. Yes, the pandemic may make the pursuit of lifelong love and passion a smidge harder, but so what…you’re worth it.

Shall we repeat that once again? Say it with me now—loud and proud:

I. AM. WORTH. IT.

Yes, yes you are.

#StraightTalk

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Players, Meet the Coach:

7/12/2021

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Are you dating a reptile???

If you truly care for others, love children, want to help senior members of our society, and appreciate animals, nature—you’re warm-blooded. But if you ruthlessly act on your own best interests, even if it means hurting others (animals, people, the environment)—you’re reptilian, or cold-blooded. But, how can you tell who’s who when considering future romantic partners???

The simple answer is, you can’t....

There are plenty of chameleons out there: reptiles who literally change their appearance to suit their environment. In other words, the (seemingly) single dad you’ve been dating who appears sensitive, sweet, attentive, and kind—he’s probably married with two kids under 10 and a baby on the way. Folks like this perhaps read too many comic books (and watch waaay too many movies) when their core belief is that by simply wearing dark-rimmed glasses, no one will recognize who they truly are (a la Clark Kent).

What are the tell-tale signs that can help poke holes in any well-honed reptilian façade?

The first on that list is pretentiousness. Yes, if they’re sharing obscure jazz and articles from The New Yorker on the regular, they’re about as one-dimensional as a forgotten movie set on the Paramount lot.

When someone works hard to impress others, it likely means they have no ability to back it up. They’re merely acting like someone who they think is educated, erudite. But people who are actually educated don’t need to prove it by pretending to be something they’re not. Being an intellectual means never prioritizing problems over people by looking beyond the surface for answers. These solution seekers focus on original thought, not regurgitating the wit and witticisms of others.

At least the Clark Kents of this world put in a little effort on their road to ruthlessness. It’s the people who are blatantly vicious through outright lies and thinly-veiled threats that are the very reason Ring doorbells were invented. They may appear human, but there’s no humanity left in those otherwise empty husks.

Here’s an example:

You meet a great person. Things are going really well. It's been six months or so. He (or she) invites you to have a romantic weekend together. Yay! You're excited. They're VERY excited. And, after ordering some Door Dash, Bae is on you like stripes on a tiger! You two move the party into the bedroom. You're kissing. The lights are down low...and, so is Bae. You kiss Bae again and tell them how much you love them.

Bae's response?

"I love...f***ing you."

Um, wwwhhhaaattt?!?!?! Talk about ruining the moment.

Sadly, if you can relate to this scenario, you were dating a reptile. Within days of that little social-bomb, "bae" tells you they need time to think. A week later, you haven't heard a single word. Oh yeah...you've been GHOSTED.

#Ouch.

In Psychology, things like the above example are an attempt at gaslighting as well as baiting—not so coincidentally, both are traits from the Dark Triad. Most “reptilian” or cold-blooded behaviour derives from the Dark Triad, which includes traits from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Machiavellianism and Psychopathy.

The master-baiters out there may likely have a variation of NPD—whether overt or covert, they’re still reptiles. The best way to diffuse a narcissist is to ignore them. They are attention seekers because even if they appear confident, they’re incredibly insecure. Rewarding their attempts to hurt you through confrontation is exactly what they want. They may keep pushing you until they get it, too. That’s why you need an exit strategy—one that gets you as far away from the narcissist (aka “energy vampire”) as possible.

When it comes to dating a reptile, time, patience and intelligence are your friends—use them wisely.

The (un)single dad who pretends to be something he’s not? That’s classic Machiavellianism. Communication patterns that use vagaries, avoidance and deflection are all red flags. Pretty much all manipulative behaviours fall into this category. I call people with such traits, “joy stealers”—like those old Hollywood movie sets, any joy you may receive from ruthless types isn’t real. But you’ll really miss it when you discover it was all just some jerk-off’s fantasy, and never meant for anything more. Or, if it was meant for “more,” it doesn’t include a house with a white picket fence nor any sort of real commitment.

So, how did you go from utter happiness with tons of potential to feeling isolated and alone?

Your Machiavellian reptile made you *think* that sending you 100 years worth of love songs was real, just to get you to cooperate. He never thought of you as anything more than a toy—something he could pick up and put down at his own convenience. These joy-stealers also love to steal your time. Yeah, that’s a big bag of “no.” Whether five years ago, today, or 15 years in the future, the answer will always and forever be unequivocally, “No.”

Key Concept:

No one wants to be an option....

And that brings us to the psychopaths. These folks look for vulnerable people to prey (and profit!) on. If you catch their eye and you’re not vulnerable, they’ll work on you until you are. If you don’t comply at some point, expect fun things like Visine slipped into your cereal, the irreparable damage and/or disappearance of anything you have an attachment to (including people and pets, but also clothing, pictures, decor, jewelry, anything unique or irreplaceable...the list sadly goes on and on). There’s also the spreading of rumours about you in an effort to isolate you further, as well as outright stalking—both virtually and in real life. All of which sabotages your employment or potential for employment, your health and safety—including your mental health, and of course, your financial stability. It’s systematic. Meant as a kind of torture. Misery does love company, after all:

When there are two people in a long-term relationship but only one is successful, fit, employed, has healthy savings and no debt, you have yourself a classic reptile. Warm-blooded people who think they have no real resources fail to see that energy itself is a resource. If you have it in abundance, you will attract all manner of reptiles. Have you ever seen a snake sun itself on a sidewalk? Same thing. They’ll slither out from whatever rock they were under to soak up your warmth as they bask in your light.

Warm-blooded types care about you as a person. They want equality in their relationships. Balance. Anything less feels unhealthy. Open, kind, generous—the warm-blooded are the givers of this world.

Givers have to learn not to be taken. Being open and giving on a planet full of reptiles has its disadvantages. You are at risk of being eaten alive...and, it won’t be quick. It will happen slowly over time. You’ll escape one only to find another, and another, and, another. I’m not sure where the intelligence comes in with the “design” of Planet Earth and its inhabitants, but even if our creation is laced with deliberate cruelty, we can still make choices in who we spend our time with, and, how we spend it.

If you’re warm-blooded and currently dealing with a reptile, cut the proverbial cord! It’s hard to do if you’ve been manipulated or made to feel dependent on them in some way. No contact is the best way to go if you’re dating a reptilian type. However, if you’re already in a committed relationship and living with a reptile, as their primary source of light/warmth they won’t let you go so easily. Develop your exit strategy as safely and quickly as possible.

Once you can leave, never ever look back....

Signs the person you’re interested in (or are already with) is “warm-blooded”:

-Consistency:

Someone truly interested won’t “breadcrumb” you with two-second texts and expect an Oscar. Instead, they will make a conscious effort to get to know you through sustained, consistent efforts that include not only calls, texts, emails/letters, and FaceTime (or the equivalent)—they will want to see you in person, too. They also want to meet your family and friends as well as introduce you to theirs.

A person who cares will never deflect responsibility for nonresponse by using excuses like, “I’ve been busy,” or “Everything is a blur because of work.” Unless you’re dating a world leader or a neurosurgeon, chances are decent that your person has the time to get in touch at some point during the day. When someone disappears for a day or two (or more), be aware that you may be dealing with a reptilian heart—one that will gravitate toward any source that provides “warmth.” So, if the guy who was sending you love songs every day for eight months is now “too busy” to get in touch, he’s found another source of energy to use and abuse. Count yourself lucky (even if lonely) when that happens. Now, you can move on to someone who actually makes time for you in their life:

-Transparency:

When you have a misunderstanding, a person who truly cares for you wants to return balance to the situation so will never prioritize any problem over you or the relationship. However, reptiles will always prioritize problems over people, holding on to negativity as a punitive measure (when you get upset, you generate energy or “warmth” through anger and sadness; reptiles feed off of that energy—it doesn’t have to come from a place of happiness on your end to make reptilian types feel better about themselves).

Open, honest communication is the solution to nearly every and any issue in a relationship. A warm-blooded person will strive for clarity. They will be forthcoming with their feelings, as well as their needs, and will be interested in you sharing those same things with them. A person who cares will never make or keep you vulnerable. If you ask to talk, they’ll listen. Not two weeks later—you’ll get a call right away, or a text asking you when a call or video chat will be most convenient.

-Clear Intentions:

Warm-blooded individuals let their intentions be known upfront. They will share emotions in a direct way, too—encouraging you to do the same. People who are truly your friend will not ignore you or your questions—they will answer you quickly and honestly. There’s no need to “find the words” or “the best approach” unless someone is trying to buy time in an effort to cover up the truth. Honesty requires no such effort. It’s just the truth, and saying what’s true is easy unless a person is attempting to hide lies aka trick the object of their “affection” into providing more “warmth” (or, supply).

To the reptiles of this world, feel free to scurry back under the rock you crawled out from under. Because, it’s hunting season. And my proverbial pen is more accurate than Annie Oakley. Btw, so is my aim....

Players who want to play with fire will always get burned. You’re in my world now.

#MeetTheCoach

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#Stay

6/17/2021

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When will I learn?
Being immortal is like this:
You lose some
And then you lose some more
An eternity of loss
Held together by fleeting moments of joy
Emphasis on "fleeting"

Is it enough?
No, it never is
Good enough isn't really good enough
Maybe no one gets a happy ending
They just get to end
Everybody seems to want to live forever
But I've never understood why....

There is a futility to human happiness
It doesn't last
Pain does though
Hurt is dependable
You can count on it
It can count on you, too
So. Much. Hardship.

Love may be just another fairytale
The reality is more toxic
Plan B fails
So you have to take another pill
To bleed
To heal
To feel

My tears are as infinite as I am
Not as portrayed by my fellow Dorchestarian
It's more complex
Nuanced
Like a delicate spider's web
You catch more flies with honey
Unless you have eight legs

Spiders are the Weavers of Destiny
Even mine
Fate is something we wait for
But Destiny, ah, now that is a choice
And it appears I chose wrong...yet again
And again
And, again

Like I said, I'm infinite
No beginning
No end
And apparently, so are my choices
Good and bad
For better or worse
In sickness and in health

We are poorer for our riches
Cosmic and Karmic.
Loving and Lovely.
The Sun sets in the blink of an eye
Even when taking the road less travelled by
Hopefully, all is not yet lost
For, this time, it is too steep a cost.

#Stay

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Why Heartbreak Can Be a Good Thing

6/16/2021

1 Comment

Heartbreak. It's never fun. And while pain is part of the human equation, we usually hope for the best in matters of love. Unfortunately, hope isn't always enough.

The silver lining? Heartbreak can teach us valuable lessons about who we are and what we want.

In any relationship, we need to feel valued. A person who values you will not discount you for any reason. But if an individual makes the mistake of taking you for granted, they'll need to prove themselves to move the relationship forward in the future.

Trust may be easy to receive, but it's tough to earn....

Panic can happen. Cold feet can happen. But ultimately, when someone is lukewarm about the love you have to offer, that's something you should know sooner rather than later. It puts the proverbial ball in your court, too. We need to value ourselves or no one else will. Heartbreak can help us choose better. And, by "choose better," I mean, choosing yourself.

When a partner asks you to overextend yourself in any way--to accept risks no one should have to accept--this individual does not have your best interests at heart. That's just the truth. It's a hard truth, I know, but a necessary one.

So, whatever caused the ending that created heartbreak, move forward with grace. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sorrow. Know that when you act with integrity, unconditional love will be both your shield and your guide. You can't protect yourself from pain, but you can protect yourself from future pain. Future heartache. And, that's important.

Stable people choose to invest time, energy and resources into developing a high-quality connection. When they see potential in a partner, they won't hesitate to move forward. Confident, secure folks know what they want and as a result, have the courage to go after it.

When someone is feeling confused, however, let them work it out on their own. You can express how their confusion makes you feel. But don't cut them off. Try to be supportive. Being supportive doesn't mean sacrificing yourself or your own needs. Maintain self-respect. Maintain decorum. If things turn around, you can communicate your needs at that time. Together. But if things don't manifest in your favour, let them know you appreciate their honesty and take the high road. Remain friends if you're both amenable--it's what healthy, stable, balanced people would (and should) do.

Heartbreak can teach you to level up in matters of love. Increasing your own stability will decrease toxicity in any future relationship. It doesn't mean toxicity won't evolve, but if you're both stable, you can diffuse any negatives much more quickly and easily.

When it comes to love, confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. That confidence can and will lead you to a safe, secure commitment with an equal. There's really nothing better.

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#RelationshipRX: How Much is Fear Really Costing You???

1/4/2021

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It's okay to feel pain. Attempting to avoid it is a reactionary response to fear. When we fear pain, we're prone to mistaking possibility for probability--but imaginary pain is a delusion, something we convince ourselves to be real when there's an equal possibility that it's not.

Why would anyone do that?

Survival. We're afraid the pain from (potential) rejection will consume us. We're afraid we may not be able to breathe again if, say, the object of our affection (whether a person, job or purchase) does not meet our expectations. If this sounds like insecurity, it's because it is insecurity. Others reject us (even after accepting us!) because they are insecure, anticipating failure, and by extension, pain--that, in turn, makes us insecure. Sometimes, we're the ones who make a preemptive strike, ghosting a person (or situation) we care about because we're afraid...not always of failure either. Sometimes, we're equally afraid of success.

Yes, fear of success is a real thing. To better understand that, try answering the following questions:

What if you never allowed fear to get in your way?

What would happen if you pursued every dream, every goal, every ambition you ever had?

How much more do you think you would accomplish if you simply went for what you wanted instead of holding back--both personally and professionally?

If you answered the above questions honestly, you can now better understand what fear is costing you. Go ahead--put a dollar value on every hour you've spent avoiding pain. Multiply those hours by that dollar value. What does that add up to each week? Each month? What about each year???

Conservatively, if we said three hours a day (times seven days a week multiplied by 52 weeks), we'd be talking about close to 1,100 hours. Today, high school grads can earn upwards of $27/hour doing remote contact tracing. So, if we assume all those reading this have at least graduated from high school, we can also assume that the minimum dollar equivalent to the minimum hours we spend avoiding pain (through social media, television, movies, gaming, YouTube, etc.) is well over $29,000 a year, which equates to over $2,400 a month, or about $600 a week.

Think you spend less than three hours a day avoiding pain? Okay, even if we were to halve the above figures, it's still the equivalent of $15,000 a year. You can buy a car with that. You can put a down payment on your first home. You can pay off student loans. You can help an underprivileged child complete an Associates degree at a community college and still gift them the remaining $3,000 to help them get a head start in their lives.

Now, imagine what your life would be like if you took the time, energy, effort, and yes, even resources avoiding pain and put ALL of it into going after what you wanted instead...you'd be successful in any area of life where you wanted a win. You'd have to be. Because, you'd go all-in. Going all-in increases your odds of success exponentially. So, when we fail to maintain a relationship or love connection because we're afraid "things won't work out," we're lying to ourselves...and, everyone else.

The Truth Hurts...But We Don't Have To:

Finding out the root of your fear(s) can (and will!) help you to be more effective in ALL areas of your life. Coping strategies, like increased mindfulness through meditation, are tools we can learn to use properly in order to remove would-be obstacles. You just have to be brave enough to first admit to yourself that you need help. Then, have the courage to ask for it....

The older I get, the less I allow fear to get the better of me. It still happens once in a while. But if I had one wish, it would be to get back what equates to decades worth of (apparent) timidity. I never saw myself as timid. But in truth, I let go of more than I can eloquently articulate here because I was too afraid to fight for it. Things that may not have even required much fighting, if any at all. But I imagined excesses of time, effort and all for an eventual negative result just so I could say, "It's not worth it." And, of course, turn my back and walk away, guilt-free. There's no guilt in knowing our limits, but we need to be able to discern the difference between having limits and creating them. That's part of understanding "scarcity mindset." Yes, we who are asked to fight early in life can get tired. That's true, too. But when I take a closer look, I can see my justifications as exactly that--excuses for keeping myself small. Small, and yes, afraid--that's what scarcity mindset is in a nutshell.

Being self-responsible is hard. It's so much more than paying your bills, eating well, and maintaining health, employment and social connections. Taking responsibility for ourselves also means being mindful of how and why we make the choices we make and take the actions we take. Or don't take, as the case may be....

Expressing our feelings is about taking responsibility--for ourselves and others.

Saying, "I love you," has consequences. Stating clear intentions is like that. We learn to avoid clarity, especially in a world that includes social media, to also avoid holding ourselves responsible for what we want. It's easier to blame others for not meeting our needs. We can't be judged for being in the wrong place at the wrong time...unless you put yourself there. Victimhood is actually encouraged by society. Discernment helps with not falling prey to such logical fallacy--or, what may best be described as a rhetorical slight of hand.

We may indeed be victimized by both individuals and society at various points in our lives, but that by no means is indicative of a need to compromise our integrity as well.

Bottom line:

Just because someone has victimized you does not mean you have to remain a victim.

Sexism is real. Racism is real. Hate is real. We can't control how others think, feel or behave. However, we can control how we think, what we feel and any subsequent behaviours thereof. When we forget that, we're self-sabotaging. Self-sabotage means giving up control to fear--usually via a past trauma, like abuse.

Time is the one commodity we can't trade. As linear creatures, we can only ever move in one direction. But that doesn't mean our minds have to stay stuck in the past (as our bodies inevitably move forward). We can release the old in order to create something new. Letting go doesn't mean things have to end--it just means you're willing to allow things to evolve. Change. Grow. And, growth takes time...time, and a great deal of patience.

I can lead you down the rational path toward the well of reason...but it is you (and only you) who can choose to end your thirst for "better" or "more." You have all the tools you need to create the life you want--you just have to have the character, the integrity, and of course, the will to act on both.

No, it's not easy. Yes, it takes tremendous effort. But you are worth it. Your happiness, and the freedom that comes with it, is worthwhile, too.

The Take Away:

In life, there are no real deadlines. You're never too old, or, too young. And, it's never too late. Focus on forward momentum--one day at a time, one step at a time, you'll start to see progress.

If you'd like me to help you remove obstacles from your life, please sign up for a session today:

Hypnotherapy Techniques: Heal the Mind, Heal the Body

I believe in you! But you must believe in yourself in order to make positive, permanent change. Take a chance and be fully present--tell the person you love that you love them. Text the guy or girl you pushed away before the holidays. If you know there is a person on this planet who helps you feel more balanced, happy and healthy, express yourself! It's a brand new year. You have every reason to make the changes you've been putting off. Your path is clear--nothing can hold you down or back anymore. Nothing but you.

Cheers to a happier, healthier and wealthier 2021! Good luck....

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Why Is It So Hard To Say How We Feel?

11/23/2020

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Fear. That's the short answer. But fear is only part of the story....

When we are reactive thanks to fear (ego, pride, anger, sadness, manipulation/the need for control are all derived from fear), we appear to make poor choices. However, appearances can be deceiving.

If you're reaction to any situation is based on your fear(s), you're not in control--past trauma is. Past trauma sticks in the subconscious, feeding our conscious and unconscious mind. Whether awake or asleep, that fear is always there...and the worst part is, you may not even know it.

Being reactive (as opposed to proactive) is a form of self-sabotage. Prioritizing problems over people means you are not in control--your past trauma is.

Fear masquerades as intuition when past trauma is holding the reigns. That's how we sabotage the good things in our lives...why? Because, whatever that past trauma was, part of the damage was communicating that you don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve good things. You're unworthy. But those are all lies. Lies we tell ourselves to stay complacent--avoid change. We get comfortable with pain. We may even like feeling as though we are the victims of an unfair universe. The universe isn't unfair--we are. We're unfair to ourselves. Our true selves. Not who someone else wants us to be.

The big hat-trick of human existence is breaking free from the social box someone built for you long before you were even born. We are only meant to live in a box when we die. Why choose to live in one while you're still breathing???

Fear. Fear is the answer to all the unhappiness you feel. Your fear. Someone else's fear. Take your pick.

So, how do we break free of fear and things like self-sabotage?

Love. It's all about the love. Love, and of course, compassion. For yourself, first and foremost. Then, for others.

Start showing yourself love by admitting what (and who) you really want in your life. Stop beating yourself up for your humanity. And start living the life you really want. Or, don't. You can stay still. Stubborn (which is just another word for "complacent"). Being complacent essentially means you've been beaten into submission. Like a dog under his master's boot. But unlike a dog, you actually have a voice.

Your voice gives you a choice.

Why wait for someone to let you out of your cage when you have opposable thumbs and can do it yourself??? Not in a year. Or, ten years. Do it now. There's never going to be a "right" moment to make change. If you're waiting for a burning bush or a winged man to appear, you'll be waiting forever.

Be responsible for your own life, your own happiness. Stop putting the onus of your decisions (and desires) onto others.

Be brave! If you're reading this, you've been given many, many gifts. Stop squandering them. Stop feeling guilty, too. It's okay to want more than what you have.

"Yes, but...what if???"

Indeed. Let's ask that question:

What if...things work out?

What if...you succeed?

What if...you can actually be happy?

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Scarcity mindsets keep us limited. We're afraid to leave our comfort zone (or the social boxes pain built for us). It gets harder as we get older, too. We're afraid we can't afford to take risks--in life and in love. But I'd ask you to consider this:

How can you afford not to???

When I die one day, it will be with few regrets. I know that I've had the courage to say how I feel...even if it sometimes took longer than expected to get there, If the person I expressed my feelings to was unable or unwilling to respond, that's their problem. Literally.

I'm a catch. Every day of the week. That's not hubris. I unapologetically know my value. If another person can't see it (or, say it...), then, they can't see their own worth. Feeling worthless is another lie we tell ourselves when we hold on to pain in order to sabotage love (and the healing it will inevitably bring).

Cowardice is a HUGE turn off. But courage...now, that gets my attention. And more importantly, keeps it. A smart person wants my attention. But it takes more than intelligence to understand that attention-seeking behaviour will only get you so far.

You need courage, kindness and self-respect to let go of your fears. Fearlessness equals liberation. Freeing yourself of your ego and pride (your fear) frees you to give and receive love. The real kind.

We're living in a highly uncertain world at the moment. If you can't tell the person you love that you love them now, when can you???

Your fear tells you to stay quiet. Your fear comes from trauma. Trauma comes from betrayal. Or, abuse. Are you really going to let your bully or your abuser or whoever hurt you a long time ago be in control? Or, are you going to take back the reigns and actually start living?

Thanks to free will, the choice is always yours. Fate is what leads us to opportunities meant for us. We may say "yes" at first but feel unsure later. That's okay. What's not okay is completely missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime because we're too afraid to say how we feel.

You can do better...we all can.

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PROMISE

9/15/2020

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No vaccine. No definitive treatment. New CDC findings now show eating inside restaurants increases your chances of getting COVID-19. If that's the case, movie theatres are risky, too. As gyms reopen across the country, it's just a matter of time before the extent of those risks can be fully documented and understood. And, to quote Game of Thrones (which now seems like one big foreshadow for 2020...minus the dragons):

"Winter is coming."

Which brings us to the collective question on the tip of seven-billion tongues around the world:

"When is this going to end???"

The simple answer is, it's not.

No one wants that statement to be true, yet it's still the truth. Even if a vaccine happens sometime in spring 2021, more than half of Americans claim they won't get it. Regardless of how many people decide to participate in vaccination, there are multiple kinds of vaccines that will eventually be approved and released on the world market...and, they're not all created equal.

Realistically, we're looking at a two-year window--minimum--before life even begins to resemble "normal" again. During the next several years, we'll experience quite a few growing pains, too. Things like understanding vaccination windows and how none of us will be on the same cycles so all of us will have to continue to social distance and wear masks well into the future. Then, there's Canada's recently released findings on the dangers of kissing...a real shame, as it was one of my favourite things to do.

Drive-In movie theatres are awesome outlets during the pandemic, but people who live in areas with cooler autumns and blustery winters are looking at having no way to safely socialize--even at a distance. The long-term effects on mental health will be as unprecedented as the pandemic itself. And, though I'm loathe to point this out, all the hardships we've faced in the last year will look like a walk in the park in the not-so-distant future if corporate culture doesn't shift their focus from money to people.

To all the wanna-be Wall Street Gordon Gekko's out there:

Greed is not good...it's actually what got us into this mess in the first place.

And I haven't even touched on the anticipated sh*t-show of the upcoming American election this November....

So, how do we gird our proverbial loins through the next several years of socio-economic, socio-political and socio-cultural disappointment???

Finding a good therapist or coach to talk to at least once a week is going to be paramount to surviving--maybe even more so than donning a mask. It doesn't have to be me, but it should be someone. I'm currently operating in the US, Canada, UK, and Ireland. If you want to sign up for a general session, please use the link below:

General Session https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p25/generalsessionII.html

Not big on traditional therapy? Try Guided Meditation/Hypnotherapy:

Hypnotherapy Techniques: Heal the Mind, Heal the Body
https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p24/hypnotherapy.html

Ayurveda is a 5,000-year old medicinal system that relies on "dinacharya" or "daily routine" and a better understanding of our "prakruti" or "constitution." The basic premise in Ayurveda uses things like meditation, movement, food, herbs, and spices as "medicine." And, guess what??? It works! I've survived high-grade cancer for nearly 30 years because, for nearly 30 years, I've been practicing Ayurveda. If you want the secret to surviving literally anything (like a pandemic!), click the link below and start to feel like you're in control of your life again:

Ayurveda: A Holistic Approach to Wellness https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p28/ayurveda.html

Interested in the more mystical/spiritual side of things? Try a Tarot reading with energy cleansing:

Tarot Reading with Energy Cleansing & Oracle Cards
https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p27/tarot.html

There are sessions for PTSD, Anxiety, Grief, Stress, Families and Couples, Patients dealing with Chronic Illness, and much, much more! There's also a new Spiritual Wellness Store where you can find spiritually-healing products and talismans (a la Joseph Campbell) to get you through the upcoming trials, including lucky red string and chakra bracelets, prayer candles, crystals, smudge kits, Tarot decks, Tibetan prayer flags, singing bowls, and coming soon: Hand-poured Intention Candles (made with organic soy wax, pressed organic florals and natural crystals) as well as a line of Custom Essential Oil products EXCLUSIVE to RebeccaHousel.com:

Spiritual Wellness https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c5/Spiritual_Wellness.html

Things may look bleak as we hesitantly peer into our immediate future, but it's ALL temporary. And, you CAN survive. It will just take patience, perseverance and a hearty helping of resiliency. I've just listed five different options above on how you can hone ALL of the tools in your survival arsenal. I call myself "a strength trainer for the mind" because I have not only helped thousands of other people leave their past in the past while improving their present (and futures!), I've done the work myself.

Yes, I've been sick. Really sick. I've even died! Lost the use of half of my body, too. I was told I had two years to live...that was 20 years ago. I've lost everything, even a child, and yet, I'm still here. There is absolutely NOTHING special or different about me either. The only advantage I've ever had was a determined willingness to think outside of the box and, of course, applying CONSISTENT effort.

No, change isn't easy. But it is possible...and perhaps more importantly, probable. You just have to want it.

Click ANY of the links above to make an appointment. You are not alone. I am here to help as we continue to bravely face the uncertainty ahead.

Can you sense my hand outstretched before you? You don't have to take it...just know it will always be there whenever you're ready.

So. Will. I.

That's a #PROMISE!

^original photo Copyright Rebecca Housel 2020

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About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

Tips from the Coach for Valentine's Day

The Power of Meditation

The Beach

#RelationshipRX: Straight Talk with the Coach

Players, Meet the Coach:

#Stay

Why Heartbreak Can Be a Good Thing

#RelationshipRX: How Much is Fear Really Costing You???

Why Is It So Hard To Say How We Feel?

PROMISE

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