That insecurity has probably led you to a place where you might feel it necessary to have multiple irons in the proverbial fire—when you're always juggling, you're perpetually conflicted (aka “insecure”). Even if you're just conflicted on the inside--or pulled in multiple directions within your own heart and mind--your insecurity is creating that conflict (as well as the anxiety that goes along with it).
Indecision (or uncertainty) comes from fear. Keeping yourself in that space is allowing a past trauma, event and/or abuser to control you, your thoughts, your feelings, and consequently, your actions.
Staying present is the solution. That's how we deepen our sense of compassion.
Insecurity is self sabotage. You don’t want real happiness, real love and real peace when you not only put yourself in the middle of conflict, but KEEP yourself there.
Beware of those who claim to want peace yet always choose war….
If you’re unhappy in a relationship, leave. If you can’t leave for financial reasons, choose peace while you build a stronger financial foundation. You do not have to compromise yourself in the interim. The chances are high that you are financially vulnerable when your partner isn't because they have financially abused you. You do not owe a person who hurt you in that way anything. They do owe you—but it’s unlikely they will recognize that. However, they might…if you ask them to.
Sometimes, all it takes to get the justice we deserve is to simply ask for it. Partners behaving in abusive ways may not even realize they are doing what they’re doing thanks to familial and cultural social psychologies that normalize the abuse and neglect of a partner—or in the case of siblings or friends, someone who is an “outsider” or “other.”
But what about when a new or potential partner “blocks” you?
First, ask yourself why the disconnect happened. Bet you already have a clue or two. After you’ve examined your own behaviour in the situation, if you still feel strongly about the connection, find a way to extend an olive branch—perhaps through email or something like LinkedIn. They don’t have to answer you and you don’t appear creepy or stalker-ish (like you would by Google-searching until you found their personal blog…eek).
“We’re not connected on LinkedIn and I don’t have the ability to send InMails to people I’m not already connected to?”
Buy the ability. Put your money where your mouth is. If the connection is strong, respect boundaries and time and personal space. It’s worth the $60 for a month or so. You may not get an answer, but you’ve probably spent more money on less valuable efforts in the past. Use the opportunity of the upgrade to your advantage professionally. You never know—you might find another income stream, or may even level-up with a totally new job opportunity AND reconnect with a person you see a future with. That said, when you do get your positive response, don’t screw it up by coming in hot, then fading to luke-warm.
Treating people like an option is not an option when you’re looking for a second chance. Words are easy. Cheap. If you’re really interested in more than attention (or narcissistic supply), then you will ask the person out after reconnecting. Or, they may suggest a meet up for something like lunch or coffee/tea. This is a crucial moment if you want this person to actually be in your future. So, you’ll need to show up. It’s a second chance—you won’t get a third.
At least, you shouldn’t….
Maybe things started off flirty (and dirty!), but these connections need to evolve from there or one of the individuals involved is a narcissist looking for supply and absolutely nothing else. They find people who are less work (ie more vulnerable) to have sex with. They’ll end up partnering with them, too, if someone gets pregnant or loses a job. Or, maybe when a pandemic hits….
If YOU remain in an insecure/conflicted space when approaching ANY romantic situation, it’s inevitable that you will eventually be blocked in some form or other. A secure adult will see your failings and will not want to be involved with an individual who is unable to make a decision or show up in a mature, stable energy.
Stability equals consistency. Consistency equals trust. If you are inconsistent, you are not stable. If you are unstable, it is because you are insecure. Insecure people are consistent in only one respect: Their lives are ALWAYS in conflict and/or in the rare moments that’s not true, they are conflicted within themselves.
How can you expect anyone else to trust you when you do not trust yourself?
Indecision is a common trait of an insecure adult. You can lift 350lbs on the regular to appear strong, but if you cannot back up your words with even the most basic of actions, you’re physical strength is only there to cover up emotional weakness.
Let that sink in for a moment…
Physically attractive folks may tend to rely on their physicality a little too much, but it only goes so far. If you have nothing behind the pretty face, pecks, or abs, then you will not get more than limited attention from stable, secure adults. If you DO get more than that from others, it’s very likely that those individuals are also insecure on some level and whatever relationship that develops between you will lead to inevitable failure.
Ouch. The truth hurts. So do insecure people. Stay away from them at all costs.
Attention seekers thrive on drama. The number one “secret” to being a secure adult?
And yes, it really is that simple.
Judgement brings conflict. Compassion brings peace.
It’s your call, whatever you choose. Working on your self-compassion by staying present will help you to stop feeling judged (insecure) and that will in turn aid in preventing you from projecting your insecurities onto others.
Liberate yourself from unnecessary negative emotions like jealousy and envy by building up your compassion.
You’ll find that your relationships will improve across the board when you do. So will your job. And, your finances.
Are you ready to LEVEL UP in love and life in 2022???
Schedule a session and let me help you take the first step on your road to happiness, love, success, and abundance. Email below to get on the schedule for March:
I believe in you...but you have to believe in you, too, in order to make permanent, positive change. Until next time!