When we are reactive thanks to fear (ego, pride, anger, sadness, manipulation/the need for control are all derived from fear), we appear to make poor choices. However, appearances can be deceiving.
If you're reaction to any situation is based on your fear(s), you're not in control--past trauma is. Past trauma sticks in the subconscious, feeding our conscious and unconscious mind. Whether awake or asleep, that fear is always there...and the worst part is, you may not even know it.
Being reactive (as opposed to proactive) is a form of self-sabotage. Prioritizing problems over people means you are not in control--your past trauma is.
Fear masquerades as intuition when past trauma is holding the reigns. That's how we sabotage the good things in our lives...why? Because, whatever that past trauma was, part of the damage was communicating that you don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve good things. You're unworthy. But those are all lies. Lies we tell ourselves to stay complacent--avoid change. We get comfortable with pain. We may even like feeling as though we are the victims of an unfair universe. The universe isn't unfair--we are. We're unfair to ourselves. Our true selves. Not who someone else wants us to be.
The big hat-trick of human existence is breaking free from the social box someone built for you long before you were even born. We are only meant to live in a box when we die. Why choose to live in one while you're still breathing???
Fear. Fear is the answer to all the unhappiness you feel. Your fear. Someone else's fear. Take your pick.
So, how do we break free of fear and things like self-sabotage?
Love. It's all about the love. Love, and of course, compassion. For yourself, first and foremost. Then, for others.
Start showing yourself love by admitting what (and who) you really want in your life. Stop beating yourself up for your humanity. And start living the life you really want. Or, don't. You can stay still. Stubborn (which is just another word for "complacent"). Being complacent essentially means you've been beaten into submission. Like a dog under his master's boot. But unlike a dog, you actually have a voice.
Your voice gives you a choice.
Why wait for someone to let you out of your cage when you have opposable thumbs and can do it yourself??? Not in a year. Or, ten years. Do it now. There's never going to be a "right" moment to make change. If you're waiting for a burning bush or a winged man to appear, you'll be waiting forever.
Be responsible for your own life, your own happiness. Stop putting the onus of your decisions (and desires) onto others.
Be brave! If you're reading this, you've been given many, many gifts. Stop squandering them. Stop feeling guilty, too. It's okay to want more than what you have.
"Yes, but...what if???"
Indeed. Let's ask that question:
What if...things work out?
What if...you succeed?
What if...you can actually be happy?
Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Scarcity mindsets keep us limited. We're afraid to leave our comfort zone (or the social boxes pain built for us). It gets harder as we get older, too. We're afraid we can't afford to take risks--in life and in love. But I'd ask you to consider this:
How can you afford not to???
When I die one day, it will be with few regrets. I know that I've had the courage to say how I feel...even if it sometimes took longer than expected to get there, If the person I expressed my feelings to was unable or unwilling to respond, that's their problem. Literally.
I'm a catch. Every day of the week. That's not hubris. I unapologetically know my value. If another person can't see it (or, say it...), then, they can't see their own worth. Feeling worthless is another lie we tell ourselves when we hold on to pain in order to sabotage love (and the healing it will inevitably bring).
Cowardice is a HUGE turn off. But courage...now, that gets my attention. And more importantly, keeps it. A smart person wants my attention. But it takes more than intelligence to understand that attention-seeking behaviour will only get you so far.
You need courage, kindness and self-respect to let go of your fears. Fearlessness equals liberation. Freeing yourself of your ego and pride (your fear) frees you to give and receive love. The real kind.
We're living in a highly uncertain world at the moment. If you can't tell the person you love that you love them now, when can you???
Your fear tells you to stay quiet. Your fear comes from trauma. Trauma comes from betrayal. Or, abuse. Are you really going to let your bully or your abuser or whoever hurt you a long time ago be in control? Or, are you going to take back the reigns and actually start living?
Thanks to free will, the choice is always yours. Fate is what leads us to opportunities meant for us. We may say "yes" at first but feel unsure later. That's okay. What's not okay is completely missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime because we're too afraid to say how we feel.
You can do better...we all can.