When it comes to love-relationships, things can get "complicated"....
But, what does that even mean???
I'll tell you what it means--it means that one party is conflicted. That "conflict" usually has to do with other attachments. Sometimes romantic, sometimes not. Regardless, the number one rule in ALL relationships is this:
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT THEY WANT.
When someone really likes you, they will find every excuse TO BE WITH YOU--not the opposite. That said, it is hard to feel a connection yet have the person you share it with not fully appreciate what you have. No matter why the other party isn't all-in, the individual who is has an important question to answer:
WHAT ARE YOU WORTH???
Everyone deserves to be with a person who, at the very least, wants to be there. No relationship is perfect. But if you found someone who loves you, cares, and WANTS to be present in your life, don't take it for granted. Sadly, people do. And when they do, it may be time to make a graceful exit--at least from the romance. If your connection is based on mutual respect and friendship, even if the romance doesn't appear to be working out, you can still remain true blue, loyal friends. And, you never know! At some future point, things may eventually work out.
Maybe you're not looking for a commitment right now--you just want the chance to explore what you see as truly awesome possibilities?
Healthy relationships will progress, evolve, grow. But despite things like chemistry and common interests and goals, if the other person is being held back by another relationship outside of yours, you're pretty stuck. Until that other situation changes, nothing in yours ever can...nor ever will.
When people use the past as an excuse not to move forward, they're simply not ready. Even though you may not want things to end, staying with someone who's unwilling and/or unable to effect change may eventually sabotage your own happiness:
Every second you spend with a person who is not ready takes time away from you finding a person who is....
Feeling unworthy is almost always at the root of any avoidant behavior. Asociality is often the result of deep betrayal and rejection at some earlier stage of life. Asocial behavior is not the same as being anti-social--in fact, asocial people may, at times, appear to be the life of the party. Asociality basically means withdrawing from any social situation that requires concerted effort--it's a lack of motivation to engage in building relationships. There's also a general dismissal of the viability in any potentially meaningful relationship through unilateral decision-making--one-sided choices not based on facts, but based on convenient perceptions that match anticipated backlash for attempting something outside of the individual's comfort zone.
Asocial people create bubbles and/or put up walls to protect themselves from what they constantly expect from others: Rejection, pain and suffering. Asociality is common amidst people who grow up in war zones, high crime areas, or, parts of the world where there is constant conflict; it's also common in adult survivors of abuse. Something inside just kind of shuts off. You simply can't afford to care anymore. You want to though. Desperately. So, you'll try to connect with people outside of your bubble. But when push comes to shove, you'll likely choose the bubble by putting up impossible obstacles (aka walls) that no one can cross, no matter how much they love you and want you.
Even if utter happiness, joy and peace await you on the other side, when you have a survivor mentality, it's hard to let go of the familiar to take a risk on the unknown.
Believe me, I can relate....
I had a friend recently describe long-distance relationships as "torture." But, that's not true at all. In fact, nearly every meaningful relationship I've ever had started as a long-distance relationship. If proximity is an important factor in your love-relationships, you probably live in a rather insular world. In order to find people who are truly at your level, you definitely need to expand your circle. If you don't, you'll always end up settling for less.
Maybe you think settling is okay...if you get, say, 3/5 things from your "list", it's better than nothing, right?
No, it's not right. You'll end up hurting others in your attempts to "make up" for the things you both want and need:
Good enough will never really be good enough.
Long-distance relationships are hard when you're a teenager, maybe even in your early 20's (when you lack the funds to hop on a plane). But once you're established in your career, live on your own, and are over 30, you can do whatever the fuck you want. That's one of the few benefits of adulting. Take advantage of it...because, life is short.
Skype and Whats App, as well as social media platforms like Instagram, allow for free calls, texts and even video chats. Amazon ships EVERYWHERE. If you have Prime, you'll get cheaper shipping for pretty much anything anywhere in the world. Like I said, long-distance isn't a real problem in this day and age. Flights to and from Australia are long and expensive, however, that's not the case if traveling between the States and Europe. I fly to Ireland/UK often. It's less distance from the Eastern US than flying to California. It's also pretty damn cheap--the average ticket on Aer Lingus is $500 from the States, but to and from Ireland? It's about $300! It costs me more to fly to Disney World or New Orleans. No joke.
When someone cares for you, they will not prioritize problems over you. Motivated people are solution-seekers, whereas the apathetic (or asocial) seek out obstacles (or, excuses/justifications)--that means there will ALWAYS be a reason things "won't work." It's negative psychology, which is equivalent to climbing uphill every single day of your life. Tough road. Unnecessarily so.
Anticipating negatives is meant to sabotage a relationship. If your person is making excuses as to why things won't and/or can't work out, your romance was likely over before it even started. And, I'm sorry for it. Perhaps you knew that was the case but tried anyway--love will do that to you. But I applaud anyone willing to take those risks for real love. That's exactly WHY you deserve better than lukewarm-love. You deserve HAWT, PASSIONATE love AND sex! Yes, you do!!!
If someone is really into you, they won't give up on you...for any reason. They'll fly thousand of miles, over land and sea, just to be with you for a few hours. They'll listen to your voice so closely, they will pick out the faintest Boston accent over a live band playing 10 feet away. They will not hide their feelings either--they'll steal a kiss in a crowded room in front of everyone. They'll hold your hand in public. They'll ride up with you in the elevator, too. If you get sick or need help, a person who cares will find ways to communicate that to you--even if s/he can't be there in person. Making calls, sending cards, flowers--if you're an adult over 30 with a job, it's easy to let people know you care.
Bottom line:
You can't lose what you don't have.
It's hard to accept that you were willing to invest time, money, energy, and effort into a person who's unwilling to do the same for you. But you are worthy of real love. You are worthy of it because you are willing to give it. Anyone willing to go the distance deserves a partner who can and will reciprocate. Period. There are no other arguments that can beat that fact. Yes, FACT.
When you are a giver, it's easy to be taken. YOU MUST SPEAK UP! Tell your person how you feel. Start with how much you love them. If that's met with excuses instead of, "I love you, too," the ball is now in your court--not theirs. You are in control of your own destiny. Unlike fate, you don't wait for it--you CHOOSE it.
You, and only you, MAKE YOUR REALITY. Anyone who says different is overly invested in limits. You don't need people who hold you down and back--you need people who believe in you, who want to raise you up. You need those with the ability to open doors AND are effective enough to walk through them. I'm talking about someone who wants to make your life better and better and better simply because s/he can.
Who wouldn't want that???
Manifest your dreams! Go for what you want--not by manipulating or obscuring facts--but by being straightforward. Be honest. By the way, honesty isn't a proclamation--it's simply being self-aware enough to value yourself and others.
True honesty means never expecting or asking more from other people than you are willing to give yourself.
In order to find victory in both life and love, you have to have the guts to put aside your fears and take action. Words are lovely. But they're meaningless in the long run.
Your actions dictate your happiness.
Try not to forget that....
RAH
But, what does that even mean???
I'll tell you what it means--it means that one party is conflicted. That "conflict" usually has to do with other attachments. Sometimes romantic, sometimes not. Regardless, the number one rule in ALL relationships is this:
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT THEY WANT.
When someone really likes you, they will find every excuse TO BE WITH YOU--not the opposite. That said, it is hard to feel a connection yet have the person you share it with not fully appreciate what you have. No matter why the other party isn't all-in, the individual who is has an important question to answer:
WHAT ARE YOU WORTH???
Everyone deserves to be with a person who, at the very least, wants to be there. No relationship is perfect. But if you found someone who loves you, cares, and WANTS to be present in your life, don't take it for granted. Sadly, people do. And when they do, it may be time to make a graceful exit--at least from the romance. If your connection is based on mutual respect and friendship, even if the romance doesn't appear to be working out, you can still remain true blue, loyal friends. And, you never know! At some future point, things may eventually work out.
Maybe you're not looking for a commitment right now--you just want the chance to explore what you see as truly awesome possibilities?
Healthy relationships will progress, evolve, grow. But despite things like chemistry and common interests and goals, if the other person is being held back by another relationship outside of yours, you're pretty stuck. Until that other situation changes, nothing in yours ever can...nor ever will.
When people use the past as an excuse not to move forward, they're simply not ready. Even though you may not want things to end, staying with someone who's unwilling and/or unable to effect change may eventually sabotage your own happiness:
Every second you spend with a person who is not ready takes time away from you finding a person who is....
Feeling unworthy is almost always at the root of any avoidant behavior. Asociality is often the result of deep betrayal and rejection at some earlier stage of life. Asocial behavior is not the same as being anti-social--in fact, asocial people may, at times, appear to be the life of the party. Asociality basically means withdrawing from any social situation that requires concerted effort--it's a lack of motivation to engage in building relationships. There's also a general dismissal of the viability in any potentially meaningful relationship through unilateral decision-making--one-sided choices not based on facts, but based on convenient perceptions that match anticipated backlash for attempting something outside of the individual's comfort zone.
Asocial people create bubbles and/or put up walls to protect themselves from what they constantly expect from others: Rejection, pain and suffering. Asociality is common amidst people who grow up in war zones, high crime areas, or, parts of the world where there is constant conflict; it's also common in adult survivors of abuse. Something inside just kind of shuts off. You simply can't afford to care anymore. You want to though. Desperately. So, you'll try to connect with people outside of your bubble. But when push comes to shove, you'll likely choose the bubble by putting up impossible obstacles (aka walls) that no one can cross, no matter how much they love you and want you.
Even if utter happiness, joy and peace await you on the other side, when you have a survivor mentality, it's hard to let go of the familiar to take a risk on the unknown.
Believe me, I can relate....
I had a friend recently describe long-distance relationships as "torture." But, that's not true at all. In fact, nearly every meaningful relationship I've ever had started as a long-distance relationship. If proximity is an important factor in your love-relationships, you probably live in a rather insular world. In order to find people who are truly at your level, you definitely need to expand your circle. If you don't, you'll always end up settling for less.
Maybe you think settling is okay...if you get, say, 3/5 things from your "list", it's better than nothing, right?
No, it's not right. You'll end up hurting others in your attempts to "make up" for the things you both want and need:
Good enough will never really be good enough.
Long-distance relationships are hard when you're a teenager, maybe even in your early 20's (when you lack the funds to hop on a plane). But once you're established in your career, live on your own, and are over 30, you can do whatever the fuck you want. That's one of the few benefits of adulting. Take advantage of it...because, life is short.
Skype and Whats App, as well as social media platforms like Instagram, allow for free calls, texts and even video chats. Amazon ships EVERYWHERE. If you have Prime, you'll get cheaper shipping for pretty much anything anywhere in the world. Like I said, long-distance isn't a real problem in this day and age. Flights to and from Australia are long and expensive, however, that's not the case if traveling between the States and Europe. I fly to Ireland/UK often. It's less distance from the Eastern US than flying to California. It's also pretty damn cheap--the average ticket on Aer Lingus is $500 from the States, but to and from Ireland? It's about $300! It costs me more to fly to Disney World or New Orleans. No joke.
When someone cares for you, they will not prioritize problems over you. Motivated people are solution-seekers, whereas the apathetic (or asocial) seek out obstacles (or, excuses/justifications)--that means there will ALWAYS be a reason things "won't work." It's negative psychology, which is equivalent to climbing uphill every single day of your life. Tough road. Unnecessarily so.
Anticipating negatives is meant to sabotage a relationship. If your person is making excuses as to why things won't and/or can't work out, your romance was likely over before it even started. And, I'm sorry for it. Perhaps you knew that was the case but tried anyway--love will do that to you. But I applaud anyone willing to take those risks for real love. That's exactly WHY you deserve better than lukewarm-love. You deserve HAWT, PASSIONATE love AND sex! Yes, you do!!!
If someone is really into you, they won't give up on you...for any reason. They'll fly thousand of miles, over land and sea, just to be with you for a few hours. They'll listen to your voice so closely, they will pick out the faintest Boston accent over a live band playing 10 feet away. They will not hide their feelings either--they'll steal a kiss in a crowded room in front of everyone. They'll hold your hand in public. They'll ride up with you in the elevator, too. If you get sick or need help, a person who cares will find ways to communicate that to you--even if s/he can't be there in person. Making calls, sending cards, flowers--if you're an adult over 30 with a job, it's easy to let people know you care.
Bottom line:
You can't lose what you don't have.
It's hard to accept that you were willing to invest time, money, energy, and effort into a person who's unwilling to do the same for you. But you are worthy of real love. You are worthy of it because you are willing to give it. Anyone willing to go the distance deserves a partner who can and will reciprocate. Period. There are no other arguments that can beat that fact. Yes, FACT.
When you are a giver, it's easy to be taken. YOU MUST SPEAK UP! Tell your person how you feel. Start with how much you love them. If that's met with excuses instead of, "I love you, too," the ball is now in your court--not theirs. You are in control of your own destiny. Unlike fate, you don't wait for it--you CHOOSE it.
You, and only you, MAKE YOUR REALITY. Anyone who says different is overly invested in limits. You don't need people who hold you down and back--you need people who believe in you, who want to raise you up. You need those with the ability to open doors AND are effective enough to walk through them. I'm talking about someone who wants to make your life better and better and better simply because s/he can.
Who wouldn't want that???
Manifest your dreams! Go for what you want--not by manipulating or obscuring facts--but by being straightforward. Be honest. By the way, honesty isn't a proclamation--it's simply being self-aware enough to value yourself and others.
True honesty means never expecting or asking more from other people than you are willing to give yourself.
In order to find victory in both life and love, you have to have the guts to put aside your fears and take action. Words are lovely. But they're meaningless in the long run.
Your actions dictate your happiness.
Try not to forget that....
RAH
The One
Mary J. Blige
Uh huh (one)
Uh it's another (one)
I am the (one)
Darkchild (one)
Them other girl's you done been with
None of them got nothing on me
Hating on my style they ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga, look around; every dude wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Let me break it down if you don't get it, quality, I'm custom fitted,
I'ma say it again, dey ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me (me)
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga...boy you know every boss wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Uh oh, OK I got these girls quite hype, only thing on right now, like a night light,
While my brother Wayne rockin' out like a white stripe, I'm a kill the game,
I'm the young money white night (white night) Yeah
Plus I'm looking for the right type cautious of a flood so I always lay the right pipe
West put me on the mart, keep life light plus I go hard for the women that I might wife
I put the ring on her index finger so if you wanna keep your girl please don't bring her
I bet that I'm the type of guy that she got a thing for,
You would block me but this ain't jinga
Yeah, and she someone I would work with,
That's what I could tell from what she's showing on the surface.
I ain't saying that I'm requesting anyone
That's perfect but I just need a woman that'll make it all worth it
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Mary J Blige / Esther Dean / Aubrey Graham / Rodney Jerkins
The One lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Peermusic Publishing
Mary J. Blige
Uh huh (one)
Uh it's another (one)
I am the (one)
Darkchild (one)
Them other girl's you done been with
None of them got nothing on me
Hating on my style they ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga, look around; every dude wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Let me break it down if you don't get it, quality, I'm custom fitted,
I'ma say it again, dey ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me (me)
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga...boy you know every boss wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Uh oh, OK I got these girls quite hype, only thing on right now, like a night light,
While my brother Wayne rockin' out like a white stripe, I'm a kill the game,
I'm the young money white night (white night) Yeah
Plus I'm looking for the right type cautious of a flood so I always lay the right pipe
West put me on the mart, keep life light plus I go hard for the women that I might wife
I put the ring on her index finger so if you wanna keep your girl please don't bring her
I bet that I'm the type of guy that she got a thing for,
You would block me but this ain't jinga
Yeah, and she someone I would work with,
That's what I could tell from what she's showing on the surface.
I ain't saying that I'm requesting anyone
That's perfect but I just need a woman that'll make it all worth it
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Mary J Blige / Esther Dean / Aubrey Graham / Rodney Jerkins
The One lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Peermusic Publishing
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