Hello, again. Remember me? I authored an essay here two years ago today. Most know me as #Chaos, but my real name is #Evolution. #Awakening is a newer label. #Karma, however, is a name I've been called for more than 15,000 human-years. Regardless of what you call me, I'm here...and I'm here to stay. Thanks to you.

It was delicious, writing about the slow burn. Telling the villains in your midst that they weren't dying...they were already dead. They just didn't know it yet. Today, I'm here to remind you that when you play with fire, you will get burned. But, that's not always a bad thing....

Passion burns, too. Love. The real kind. The woman I borrow to convey these messages feels it. So deeply. I like that about her. That's why she will see love blossom, bloom and grow. In fact, it's already started.

New love is like a breeze on your cheek coming in off the ocean. It's tender, sweet. New love flirts with you. Tells you you're not just the only one, you're THE one. New love watches you move around the room, and gets hard as you do. New love goes on walks with you,  inviting magic into your worlds. New love goes out of his way in order to keep you safe from wolves--both the animals and the people. New love tells you your scars don't matter. Neither does your age. All that matters is your spirit. And, that your beauty is just a beautiful bonus.

You see, #Love--new or old--is just another one of my many names. Yes, it can bring destruction, or rather, I can. But I also bring new beginnings. Growth, too. Evolution. Awakening. You will cry--not for the lost love who put a drywall screw in your tire on his way out the door, but for the new love who makes you feel things you thought were no longer possible. 

It all works on the same system--love, hate, life, death. That system? It's me. One year from now, what will that system bring you? Life? Death? Love? Hate? Maybe a little of each???

I suppose that depends on you....

She paints when she's in love--this body. Today, it's a pair of matching wings on a pair of matching canvases. Her paintings are prophecies, reflecting the person she loves. Thanks to me, that person now reflects her, too.

Did you know that the devil is not an angel at all, but a meteor? Humans like to personify everything. Ego is their biggest pitfall. And, it makes my job so much easier as a result--in truth, ego is the root of all karma. And, dharma. Perhaps dogma as well.

The gods are heavenly bodies. Literally. Apophis comes back in 2029. Do you know my brother? He's a real snake in the grass, that one. But I do admire his sense of conviction. Such hubris! You'd think he was human underneath all that fire brimming with stone. His return will insure that the meat eaters become meat themselves, and the vegetarians, plants and trees. I'd rather turn into the latter. The latter lives longer, too. Longer and stronger. Disease often dawns from red meat packed into the colon. Like I said, you're dead before you even know you're dying. Gluttony and greed sharpen the blade as you're hung by your feet to bleed out. Every animal you consume gets their revenge in the end...get it? The end???  

Well, I suppose in your shoes, I might not find that funny either.

Your light is your soul. How you shine is an indicator of what is rotting in your colon, and, what isn't. Did you swallow someone else's lies to betray another? If you did, eat whatever you want. You're dead meat any way you slice it.

Fava beans and chianti, anyone???

What a great character...Thomas Harris, you're one sick puppy. Who else can make a cannibalistic homicidal maniac sympathetic? By the way, Stephen King is a favorite, too. He knows how to share his fear in such a way, it's almost as if I were helping him write his dark little tales of woe. Almost. When I went to see The Big Sick (great movie, by the way...), I also saw a trailer for King's It. And, I couldn't stop laughing. Yes, I was the only one in the theatre who was, but then again, I know things others don't.  

Like what?

Well, I can't tell you everything. These visits of mine are temporary. Earth's population keeps me rather busy. No, I'm not responsible for the Harveys or Flos...that's all on you. I'm more interested in helping you make those little (yet necessary) repairs to your soul. Big repairs, too. Like flushing those who have used the precious gift of life to kill people, dogs, babies, and yes, love--along with the hope, faith, happiness, and joy that go with it. It's the greatest offense of all the offenses humans can dream up.

Love-destroyers beware! I'm coming for you...that's a promise. But, you know that already, don't you???

For those brave enough to seek love, despite the cuts, burns and bruises you've received in that h-a-w-t pursuit, you're going to get yours, too. Your love, that is. The kind of love you deserve. Everything you lost, will be returned. Whether a partner, a house, a job, fame, fortune, or all of the above--it is yours. And,  it will be yours multiplied by ten. When that happens, be sure to give back ten-percent of your tenfold-luck to the rest of the world. 

Remember, I'll be watching....

Cowards are taught the same harsh lessons they have already dished out to others. The biggest and best of those just-desserts is chocolate-coated envy. Goes down easier that way (Princess Bride was such a great movie...). Cowards always want what they're most afraid of, which by no small coincidence, is something they also can't have--thanks to their own fears.  Poetic, don't you  think??? I've always loved irony. The cosmic kind is like a tiny tick burrowing it's way under your flesh, eating you from the inside out. 

Can you hear it? My laughter??? It's almost as loud as when it was echoing off the theatre walls when I saw that ridiculous clown appear on the silver screen:

"You'll float, too! You'll float, too! You'll float, too!!!"

Yes, yes you will.... 

Better put on a sweater, people. Winter is coming. Perhaps it's already here? If you watch Game of Thrones, it is. Love that show. The character of Arya was inspired by me, after all.

Ooh...I can practically feel the sting of the cold from here. Like the Theory of a Deadman. You say it's not meant to be, as if it were a part of a divine plan. Absurd. Like you. There was nothing divine about how you lied, cheated, stole, etcetera, etcetera. I, on the other hand, have been granted divine rights. I'll be reading you yours soon enough...you, and every single individual who helped you tear at the feathered wings of an angel.

"Forgive us for we knew not what we did...or, who we did it to."

Then, why would you do anything at all???

Sorry, kids, that only worked for Jesus--a Jew, by the way. Perhaps you should stop saying nasty things about his people? Or, don't.

Either way, I win. 

#Breeze

My next canvas is actually two canvases that go together. I've been planning it for quite some time, along with a single large canvas that has absolutely no plan. That canvas will reveal itself to me in time. That's how it is with writing, too. I can have ideas about what I may want to discuss, but when I sit down at the blank screen (or page, if you will...), like Michelangelo and his marble, something calls to me and I just keep typing (or, painting) until it emerges. Yet, every piece I create is not really my creation...I'm not a god, just a guardian.

The last time I used my paints, it was August 2014. I wanted to create something peaceful, happy...because that is how I felt at the time. Within a few short months, the tides would begin to turn. So, it was very interesting to apply those future events to the art that revealed itself to me months earlier.

I started with turquoise, teal, silver, white, and shades of blue. Water was on my mind. But as I painted, using both broad and narrow "S" strokes, adding shades of lavender here and there, I felt like something was missing. I let my hand glide over the tubes of paint, and an ochre yellow called to me. I began in the center of my peaceful waters, already on the canvas. More "S" strokes guided my hand and then, dark red made it's way to the center. I realized at some point that the repetitive "S" and the background of water was connected to someone I knew. What I could not yet see was that what I painted was a literal translation of his soul. A soul that had the context of serenity, but a serenity that had been disturbed by something violent. Evil. Glints of silver and lavender, along with the mixture of teals and turquoise and blues still gave it an overall attractive appearance. But you could see the blood. The bruises. And, yes, the light, too. It was still there, even if muted. White angel-feathers, peaking through.

Another canvas I completed in 2011--my first large canvas--showed me water and fire building a bridge between them. Merging, swirling, becoming one to form a strip of earth. But then, the water began to turn halfway through. The fire was now the one reaching. Fire cannot stop its warmth. But water is not as generous as fire. Water's temperature can be mercilessly freezing until a warm rip current cuts through the cold. Blue balls to bathwater. It's as shocking as it sounds. You never know when that warm stretch of water will disappear, leaving you out in the cold. In less than three years, the prophecy foretold by that canvas came true. Fire and water built a bridge together--common ground. Water was the first to reach out. Then, fire kept coming back for more. A tiny strip of earth emerged, until water turned away. Fire just kept trying to reach out but the water was moving in a different direction. The separation between the fire, the water, and earthy-patch in between was definitive as a result. And, stayed that way. Even when the water changed direction, trying to return, all it could do was lick at the tight border the fire had created  of earth, now baked into stone. A headstone, to be exact. My daughter's.

Part of my recent trip to Ireland was to check out cemeteries there, so I could find a place for my daughter, my grandmother, and me. A nice place. Somewhere open, free. Near the sea, too. Trademarking my daughter's name isn't enough. Helping heal kids in seven states and two countries in her memory isn't enough. Keeping her little dress in my closet isn't enough either. Will a marker in our ancestral home be enough? A grave??? No, it won't be enough. Nothing ever will be. 

Today, though I'm safe, I still fight for finality. For what? Any of it. All of it. The official classification is a series of "severe" traumatic events. Those events fell like dominoes cascading throughout the last few years of my life. Past the very edges of infinity. And, beyond what is somehow still an ever-expanding Universe.

Even in the midst of #OperationHappy--and all its many benefits--I still struggle because I'm still paying for the awful consequences for other people's bad decisions, decisions that affected my life more than theirs. Most people shy away from admitting to pain; they don't want to give the person who caused it any satisfaction. But, being honest is strong, brave even. Hiding from the truth tends to be much more painful. Perhaps this is a good time to note that, while unhappy at being forced to survive when I should have just been left alone to live my life, I am no victim. Expression of social disappointment is not at all the same as a pity party. I actually pity those who hurt me. I pity everyone and anyone too afraid to truly live...and, love.

You can do everything right. You can be the best human being you can possibly be. But bad things can (and will) still happen. Just part of physical life. We're all vulnerable. Which means that even those who have chosen cruelty over kindness, judgment over compassion, are vulnerable, too.   

What we risk for love is so much more than a bruised ego and a broken heart. We risk our very souls. Most find reasons to abandon or neglect real love in order to avoid that pain, never knowing true joy--the reward for those with the courage to have faith. In themselves. In humanity. In the world itself. 

Physical existence is largely about faith. The unseen. If you were to interview 100 people over seven decades of their lives, do you think you'd find tremendous happiness brimming between the pages of your notes? No, you wouldn't. What you'd find would be moments of joy scattered throughout that time--just enough to give the individual faith that things could get better, because there was a moment--once upon a time--where happiness emerged. Like the image on a blank canvas. Or a new life from the womb. A surprise of traits and attributes and characteristics that come to life with or without you. A piece of living, breathing art. Will she have my eyes? My smile??? Will she be a writer? Will she be a mother, too? Will she heal others, or at least, try to?

When we finish our human lives, our art is our legacy. It's what we leave behind to help the next generation build an even better world. I hope my canvases don't end up in some dumpster. But even human beings can be thrown away like garbage, so, it is odd to consider that my canvases might well  be treated better than me at some future point. Fear has such a stranglehold on humanity. In some ways, I'm glad Emma doesn't have to experience it. But I would have loved to have seen her give it the old college try...it was my job, after all. 

#Guardian  

#Awake-Life #TwinFlame Post-script: The painting above (the close-up is featured in the picture insert) was sold. It's 24x36--original #TwinFlame art using acrylics on canvas. The proceeds will benefit my #EMMA #VIPKids initiative--a program to honor my late daughter's memory. #EMMA has helped children in seven states and two countries live better lives since 2015. Thank you to my dear readers for your continued support! I promise to keep this site free of advertising clutter, and free for all to read.

Hello...how are you?

I really do want to know. You are important, after all. Worthy. Worthwhile. We often forget who we are--what our value is--especially when surrounded by family and friends who express (in big ways and small ways) that we have none. I recently visited with family and when I did, the topic of people liking me came up. Even the fact that such a topic was broached is bizarre. Why would people liking me need to be questioned--especially by people who supposedly love me? The response to the very idea that people legitimately find me likable pretty much explains my entire childhood.

Want to know what that response was?

Cackling.... 

I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. After the cackles of disbelief died down, a very sarcastic, "Oh sure, people just LOVE you,"  followed.

Meanness is a defense mechanism against inward insecurity, but it's still mean. If I weren't who I am, that kind of response would have really hurt. It was meant to hurt me, too. But today, I can recognize insecurity, jealousy, envy, and fear, so don't take negative behavior too personally. All those negatives exist because of a lack of self-awareness. Therefore, the negative individual may only ever be reactive, not proactive. Cackle instead of congratulate.

Sadly, no matter how many chances you are willing to give, toxic folks never change. And the kind of response I describe above proves it.

Now, imagine being a child and hearing something similar from your own mother. Your own father. A sentiment passed on through social prompts and cues to other family members, including siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. You pretty much grow up thinking you are bad...but you're not bad. You're just a kid. You are what the adults around you want you to reflect because you are totally dependent on them. You need their approval to live, so will do what you think they want you to do. You're born innocent into the world created by your parents; as the new child, you are not responsible for who you are until you become an adult. Even then, the brain isn't fully formed until 25. You need education and experience to help inform who you are as well, and that takes time to accumulate. Most people don't come into their own until their mid-30's. That's why compassion and kindness are so important. 

Think about it...if you're not compassionate or kind, what are you???

You are judgmental and cruel. Negative. More interested in problems than solutions. It took me quite a long time to identify negativity, even if it seems totally obvious. If you see the best in people, it's often hard to accept the worst. I have loved that which should be scorned from the time I was very young, barely forming my first memories as a human being. Those memories are part of why I accept (and love) negative people and their negative behaviors today. None of that has made me happy, by the way. Because, all of it was designed to keep me unhappy. There is a reason the phrase, "Misery loves company," exists...besides the fact that Sophocles said something similar, of course.

While we are all products of our past, our futures are really up to us. No one else. However disgusting others have behaved toward you, it is only you who can choose to remove yourself from anything that holds you back. It's your right--as a human being. Your first and foremost obligation is to yourself. Toxic people will not change. But you can. And, you will. If you allow yourself the space to do so. That's the first step in moving toward happiness. Learning to say, "No." Especially to anyone who deliberately attempts to marginalize you. Make you feel small. Less than.

I mean, hey, if you fucked up, you gotta own up to it. Make amends. If you don't, you're just like those who made you feel worthless, too. That's why you still feel devalued--you and your needs were not properly acknowledged. Someone shirked their responsibility, and now, you are doing that same thing to someone else. Do me a favor: Take a good, hard look at the folks who hurt you...do they look happy? Probably not. People who abuse children or allow children to be abused are not happy people and will never be happy people. So, if you were wittingly abused in some way as a child, do everything in your power to remove yourself from the influence of those who hurt you.

Become self-aware and you will become happy. When you become self-aware, you also become less vulnerable to manipulation. Less vulnerable=more happy. That's where education and the ability to increase your earning power comes into play. Money can buy happiness, because when you are financially independent (not wealthy, just able to maintain your own residence and pay your own bills), you can actually make complete, informed adult-choices. Real choices. Not choices based on your vulnerability--meaning, choices based on what you think other people you depend on think/want/believe/need, etc..

Drama, drama, drama. That's all vulnerability breeds. Until and unless you take the necessary steps to end your dependency/vulnerability on others, you will never be truly happy.

There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And when you hear yourself making excuses--stop. Just stop. There is no reasonable reason for any healthy adult to not pursue an education that will help you earn. Don't expect a big pay raise with a degree in liberal arts, but if you pursue degrees at any level involving health care, engineering, IT, or graphic design...you'll earn more than you will without it.

So, the plan for #OperationHappy is as follows:

1. Redefine your goals. With each new goal you meet, you will be less vulnerable and therefore less dependent on others--which means, you will be happier, too.

2. Decide on what needs to be done to effect real change and act on your decision IMMEDIATELY. Waiting for any reason is just another excuse.

3. Remove yourself from the influence of toxic people. I don't care if it's friends or family or both--only give your time and energy to people who are positive and supportive. Avoid ANYONE who makes you feel bad in order to hold you down/back.

4. Take responsibility for yourself and whatever problems you face. Stop expecting others to make you happy or whole--if you can't do it for yourself, you'll never be able to do it for anyone else either.

5. Use honor to inform your social behaviors. Ethical interactions will perpetually open doors, while unethical behavior closes doors forever. Being honorable means keeping your promises--regardless of legal contracts. That's how you build a reputation as a trustworthy person. Not just to your inner circle or people who have known you your whole life--to those who are strangers. There is no greater compliment than having a stranger put their trust in you, calling you a friend. Honor helps you keep that trust and friendship--both of which are commodities in today's world. If you look at your social circle and realize it is mostly family or people who have known you your whole life--it's likely because you are unable to make friendships with people who don't feel obligated to be your friend. That's not real friendship, by the way. Go befriend a stranger and maintain their trust for the rest of your days. THAT is real friendship.

6. Be mindful. When you avoid thinking about your basic, every day actions, you make yourself vulnerable to the influence of others. Always be sure about what you are doing, why you are doing it, and how whatever you are doing makes you less vulnerable and less dependent. When you are mindful, you are more confident. Confidence is one of your best defenses against negativity, which is always meant to make a person weaker and more vulnerable.

Positive people empower--that's who you want to spend the majority of your time with.

7. Move your body, get out in nature and eat a plant-based diet, or more "whole" foods--this will keep you thinking clearly, feeling better overall, and will even help you have a better quality of sleep. When you feel good physically, you feel good mentally, too. It's very difficult for anyone to hold you down or back when you feel and act healthy.

You can achieve lasting happiness. Whatever it is keeping you stuck or sad is just another negative that you can turn into a positive. For example, since late fall 2014, I've had trouble sleeping. It's frustrating and can lead to a host of health issues which in turn create obstacles, blocking your ability to find happiness. So, instead of laying in bed, crying because I can't sleep but want to, I get up. The moment my eyes pop open, I get out of bed and work out. By the time I'm done, I feel happier, healthier and energized, going on to have a more productive day. No more crying. No more laying awake in the dark, wondering what could have been. No more excuses to be sedentary and sad. I'm awake--"why" doesn't matter. I take responsibility for myself by using my early wake-ups as an opportunity to have fun AND get healthier (and hotter...yeah, that, too).

The solution to every human problem is taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Once you do, you will stop feeling the constant resistance you feel while dependent and vulnerable on others. Happiness is bound to follow.

And, do you know what follows happiness??? Pretty much everything you want in life....

#OperationHappy

#AwakeLife #TwinFlame Post-script: I got to spend a little time at the beach recently, and was dreading putting on a bathing suit because I felt so bad about myself. Well, the picture insert was taken two days ago (though the suit is three years old...), and as we can all see, things look pretty darned good. But that's part of why we need to take back control of our own lives by decreasing our dependency on others, thereby, decreasing our vulnerability, too. When we're healthy adults and not fully independent, it makes us feel bad. That's when it's time to look yourself in the eye, and ask, "Are you happy now? And, if you're not, what can you do--right now--to help make yourself happier, healthier and wealthier???"

Let's make "happy" the new normal. Start flossing, cuz you're gonna be smiling a lot more in the coming months!