I really do want to know. You are important, after all. Worthy. Worthwhile. We often forget who we are--what our value is--especially when surrounded by family and friends who express (in big ways and small ways) that we have none. I recently visited with family and when I did, the topic of people liking me came up. Even the fact that such a topic was broached is bizarre. Why would people liking me need to be questioned--especially by people who supposedly love me? The response to the very idea that people legitimately find me likable pretty much explains my entire childhood.
Want to know what that response was?
I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. After the cackles of disbelief died down, a very sarcastic, "Oh sure, people just LOVE you," followed.
Meanness is a defense mechanism against inward insecurity, but it's still mean. If I weren't who I am, that kind of response would have really hurt. It was meant to hurt me, too. But today, I can recognize insecurity, jealousy, envy, and fear, so don't take negative behavior too personally. All those negatives exist because of a lack of self-awareness. Therefore, the negative individual may only ever be reactive, not proactive. Cackle instead of congratulate.
Sadly, no matter how many chances you are willing to give, toxic folks never change. And the kind of response I describe above proves it.
Now, imagine being a child and hearing something similar from your own mother. Your own father. A sentiment passed on through social prompts and cues to other family members, including siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. You pretty much grow up thinking you are bad...but you're not bad. You're just a kid. You are what the adults around you want you to reflect because you are totally dependent on them. You need their approval to live, so will do what you think they want you to do. You're born innocent into the world created by your parents; as the new child, you are not responsible for who you are until you become an adult. Even then, the brain isn't fully formed until 25. You need education and experience to help inform who you are as well, and that takes time to accumulate. Most people don't come into their own until their mid-30's. That's why compassion and kindness are so important.
Think about it...if you're not compassionate or kind, what are you???
You are judgmental and cruel. Negative. More interested in problems than solutions. It took me quite a long time to identify negativity, even if it seems totally obvious. If you see the best in people, it's often hard to accept the worst. I have loved that which should be scorned from the time I was very young, barely forming my first memories as a human being. Those memories are part of why I accept (and love) negative people and their negative behaviors today. None of that has made me happy, by the way. Because, all of it was designed to keep me unhappy. There is a reason the phrase, "Misery loves company," exists...besides the fact that Sophocles said something similar, of course.
While we are all products of our past, our futures are really up to us. No one else. However disgusting others have behaved toward you, it is only you who can choose to remove yourself from anything that holds you back. It's your right--as a human being. Your first and foremost obligation is to yourself. Toxic people will not change. But you can. And, you will. If you allow yourself the space to do so. That's the first step in moving toward happiness. Learning to say, "No." Especially to anyone who deliberately attempts to marginalize you. Make you feel small. Less than.
I mean, hey, if you fucked up, you gotta own up to it. Make amends. If you don't, you're just like those who made you feel worthless, too. That's why you still feel devalued--you and your needs were not properly acknowledged. Someone shirked their responsibility, and now, you are doing that same thing to someone else. Do me a favor: Take a good, hard look at the folks who hurt you...do they look happy? Probably not. People who abuse children or allow children to be abused are not happy people and will never be happy people. So, if you were wittingly abused in some way as a child, do everything in your power to remove yourself from the influence of those who hurt you.
Become self-aware and you will become happy. When you become self-aware, you also become less vulnerable to manipulation. Less vulnerable=more happy. That's where education and the ability to increase your earning power comes into play. Money can buy happiness, because when you are financially independent (not wealthy, just able to maintain your own residence and pay your own bills), you can actually make complete, informed adult-choices. Real choices. Not choices based on your vulnerability--meaning, choices based on what you think other people you depend on think/want/believe/need, etc..
Drama, drama, drama. That's all vulnerability breeds. Until and unless you take the necessary steps to end your dependency/vulnerability on others, you will never be truly happy.
There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And when you hear yourself making excuses--stop. Just stop. There is no reasonable reason for any healthy adult to not pursue an education that will help you earn. Don't expect a big pay raise with a degree in liberal arts, but if you pursue degrees at any level involving health care, engineering, IT, or graphic design...you'll earn more than you will without it.
So, the plan for #OperationHappy is as follows:
1. Redefine your goals. With each new goal you meet, you will be less vulnerable and therefore less dependent on others--which means, you will be happier, too.
2. Decide on what needs to be done to effect real change and act on your decision IMMEDIATELY. Waiting for any reason is just another excuse.
3. Remove yourself from the influence of toxic people. I don't care if it's friends or family or both--only give your time and energy to people who are positive and supportive. Avoid ANYONE who makes you feel bad in order to hold you down/back.
4. Take responsibility for yourself and whatever problems you face. Stop expecting others to make you happy or whole--if you can't do it for yourself, you'll never be able to do it for anyone else either.
5. Use honor to inform your social behaviors. Ethical interactions will perpetually open doors, while unethical behavior closes doors forever. Being honorable means keeping your promises--regardless of legal contracts. That's how you build a reputation as a trustworthy person. Not just to your inner circle or people who have known you your whole life--to those who are strangers. There is no greater compliment than having a stranger put their trust in you, calling you a friend. Honor helps you keep that trust and friendship--both of which are commodities in today's world. If you look at your social circle and realize it is mostly family or people who have known you your whole life--it's likely because you are unable to make friendships with people who don't feel obligated to be your friend. That's not real friendship, by the way. Go befriend a stranger and maintain their trust for the rest of your days. THAT is real friendship.
6. Be mindful. When you avoid thinking about your basic, every day actions, you make yourself vulnerable to the influence of others. Always be sure about what you are doing, why you are doing it, and how whatever you are doing makes you less vulnerable and less dependent. When you are mindful, you are more confident. Confidence is one of your best defenses against negativity, which is always meant to make a person weaker and more vulnerable.
Positive people empower--that's who you want to spend the majority of your time with.
7. Move your body, get out in nature and eat a plant-based diet, or more "whole" foods--this will keep you thinking clearly, feeling better overall, and will even help you have a better quality of sleep. When you feel good physically, you feel good mentally, too. It's very difficult for anyone to hold you down or back when you feel and act healthy.
You can achieve lasting happiness. Whatever it is keeping you stuck or sad is just another negative that you can turn into a positive. For example, since late fall 2014, I've had trouble sleeping. It's frustrating and can lead to a host of health issues which in turn create obstacles, blocking your ability to find happiness. So, instead of laying in bed, crying because I can't sleep but want to, I get up. The moment my eyes pop open, I get out of bed and work out. By the time I'm done, I feel happier, healthier and energized, going on to have a more productive day. No more crying. No more laying awake in the dark, wondering what could have been. No more excuses to be sedentary and sad. I'm awake--"why" doesn't matter. I take responsibility for myself by using my early wake-ups as an opportunity to have fun AND get healthier (and hotter...yeah, that, too).
The solution to every human problem is taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Once you do, you will stop feeling the constant resistance you feel while dependent and vulnerable on others. Happiness is bound to follow.
And, do you know what follows happiness??? Pretty much everything you want in life....
#AwakeLife #TwinFlame Post-script: I got to spend a little time at the beach recently, and was dreading putting on a bathing suit because I felt so bad about myself. Well, the picture insert was taken two days ago (though the suit is three years old...), and as we can all see, things look pretty darned good. But that's part of why we need to take back control of our own lives by decreasing our dependency on others, thereby, decreasing our vulnerability, too. When we're healthy adults and not fully independent, it makes us feel bad. That's when it's time to look yourself in the eye, and ask, "Are you happy now? And, if you're not, what can you do--right now--to help make yourself happier, healthier and wealthier???"
Let's make "happy" the new normal. Start flossing, cuz you're gonna be smiling a lot more in the coming months!