Blog Archives - DR. REBECCA A. HOUSEL

Once-in-a-Lifetime

4/28/2020

I took that photo a few weeks ago while hiking. The pair of flowers rose up together, despite the lack of light in the dense woods, and despite the heavy ground cover the delicate shoots had to push through to bloom and grow. It struck me as I took the photo, that these two perfect blooms were fleeting...a lot like love. That's why, if you have the chance to have real love in your life, you need to seize it.

Why?

Because, if you don't, like these delicate forest-flora, the season will pass. Had I not stopped to take the photo at that exact moment, I'd have lost the chance to capture it. Two days later, the petals were already falling away. A day after that...there was no trace the flowers had ever existed at all. We do that with love connections, too.

Something unexpected blooms and grows in our heart and it's beautiful. Truly beautiful. But we may fail to fully recognize the moment. Perhaps we get scared. Skittish. Petty. We let the past dictate our future by allowing it to control our present. Then, months go by. And, outside of our hearts, there's no visible trace left of the love that was so beautiful, so pure, without the light of the two souls who created it, it retreats back to the Earth waiting for that soul-light to return again.

Your feelings come from your intuition. Your gut. That's why you feel them. But we're so willing to deny our intuition that we act on our fears instead, often mistaking that very fear for instinct when nothing could be further from the truth.

Love is ALL that matters in this world. Money, too, of course, but that's not as hard to come by, believe it or not....

True love is a once-in-a lifetime shot. You'll find lots of people to care about and, in time, can learn to love them...if that's what you want. But the kind of love that hits you at the soul is rare. So rare, I've only experienced it once.

We always think to ourselves, "One day...." But I'm here to tell you that "one day" is NOW. Tell the person who sees you as their ultimate wish fulfillment that they're yours, too.

You'll never regret trying for what you really want. I'd rather fail spectacularly at true love than be sitting in the same place doing the same thing in ten years--wishing, hoping and praying for a change that I let slip by. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And yes, we're in a pandemic and it's going to be a while before you may be able to physically get together. But you can't let what is a totally temporary situation deter you from a lifetime of happiness. If you were honest with yourself, you might see that's what got you in this mess in the first place.

Let's say you send out your olive branch and hear nothing back. Again, I've been there. If that happens, you don't have to get angry. It's disappointing, yes, but if you feel love for someone, hold on to that part. The love. The good things. Their smile. Whatever makes your heart feel lighter. And, be patient. Maybe your person isn't quite ready yet. You never know. You could hear back in a week or a month. I didn't hear from someone I cared about for nearly two months. And when I did hear, I had the sense his jealousy may prevent him from moving forward. But then, much to my surprise, he showed up again. And it was pure magic.

I want each of you to have magic in your life, too. Not the kind of magic you'll find in a Harry Potter novel. The kind of magic that springs from the heart.

Sometimes, all it takes to be happy is a shift in perspective. It's a lot easier to pick up the phone when we change our minds to match our hearts. Or, if you prefer, press the "send" button on the draft you've been saving. You know the one...it goes something like this:

"When I think of you, I see a big ball of bright light. But, fear can creep in--old hurts, resentments. And, I'm sorry for that. Because, the only thing that matters is you. You are my light. The first night we were together, I thought you looked like an angel. I fell for you right then and there. But I didn't think you felt the same. Yet, to my great surprise, you came back again.

I don't know what happened in between but it doesn't matter. All that matters is you. I can't explain it. I just know that my heart feels happiest when you're in it. And, If you let me, I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy for as long as I live."

Bottom line:

When it comes to true love, it's never too late....

*photo copyright Rebecca Housel 2020; "Bloodroot"

Is S/HE Still Single???

4/26/2020

Cyberstalking is hitting all-time highs during the pandemic. People seeking love connections with others through online platforms like Facebook have been common for about 15 years now, but there are more friend-requests than ever before thanks to COVID-19.

Why?

Social media is a good way to check on a person's relationship status. My relationship status is private by design. When you look back at older essays like #WritersBlock and #SayGoodnightGracie, you might better understand why....

Using any kind of surveillance activities as opposed to being open and straightforward resonates with fear, victimhood and insecurity. You're looking for reasons to not move forward. Excuses to cut yourself off from the opportunity. It may be time to consider taking a session with me on relationships so you can learn your triggers and understand what's motivating your choices:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

When you're creeping on potential love interests, it's important to remember that social media is not always a reflection of real life. In fact, most of the time, it's not representative at all. That's why an internet search can actually be harmful. It isn't always telling you the truth--for that, you'd have to go straight to the source.

The $20,000 Date

A friend recently approached me about a high-end private dating service. While pretty much everything is either cancelled or postponed, that's not the case for love. Do you know that some singles are paying up to $20,000 to go on a date with someone who's been vetted by a specialized agency? No, I'm not kidding...

To find true success with true love, we need to connect with those who share our core values. When you've achieved a certain level of success, you probably look pretty good, too. All of that takes time and effort. So why waste your valuable time on people who aren't willing to invest in you as much as you do in yourself???

I think we all need to look at our individual value with a much more discerning eye, regardless of whether or not we're willing to sink $20,000 into finding "the one." My research on Millennials and relationships shows that a good number of men see attractive, educated, professional, and accomplished women as potential intimate partners, but usually aren't interested in anything more. There's an element of sexism there--women who have it all together aren't as easy to control. The problem with sexism in the 21st century is that it's usually unwitting. Men may not even realize why they back off. Or, why they always seem to end up in relationships with emotionally and/or financially vulnerable women. Could be a connection there, guys...something to think about! True, I've never met a younger man who complained about a woman that's educated and a homeowner, but unless he's also professionally established, there's a decent risk of being used. Unfortunately, ladies, users typically don't tell you they're about to use you. But any kind of imbalance in a relationship can turn vertical.

Finding an equal is the best option when it comes to love. Sadly, I'm not sure that can really happen without a little outside help. You may meet people whom you believe have potential but more often than not, you end up wasting six or more months before realizing the situation is a dead-end. And THAT is why some people are paying big $$$ to be introduced to a potential partner. No games. No surprises. Just serious, professional, educated people who take care of themselves--just like you--looking for exactly the same things you are. It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? The money-aspect, however, may have to change a bit given Bloomberg's dire future forecasting for the global economy over the next five years a la COVID-19.

Other Ways We Sabotage Ourselves in LOVE

Discounting exceptional people because of our own insecurities is self-defeating. Even if you could meet a person who somehow has no pre-existing issues in the 21st century, unless you have a crystal ball, you don't know what you'll be dealing with in the future. So, why deny feelings for an individual who's a proven survivor? I'm thinking of not just cancer survivors, like me, but even former military--who often have things like PTSD. Based on the fact that everyone is human, there's a decent shot that either a car accident, a cancer diagnosis, maybe depression, or some other health concern will pop up eventually.

Especially in the time of COVID-19, if you have met a dream-person in every other way except for some blip in their health history or a scar you wish wasn't there, look in the mirror before deciding to walk away (aka don't be a jerk). You're probably not perfect either. This is just another way your mind tricks you into self-sabotage, self-punishment, and ultimately, self-loathing. You set yourself up for romantic failure when you find excuses not to pursue someone you're really interested in. By the way, I get it. Been there, done that. You always end up holding a big bag of regret instead of basking in the glow of a big ball of light and love.

The "abject" can be almost anything--having kids, the age of the kids, the number of kids, etc.. Maybe you don't like that they're a cat person when you're a dog person, even though you clearly both love animals. Maybe there are old attachments that are still in the process of being dealt with (sometimes on both ends, especially if you meet in mid-life) and even though everything else is perfect, you end things when you shouldn't. Maybe you come up with other reasons--they're not homeowners, they work for themselves, they like pink underwear (or, in my case, no underwear, lol)...perfectionism leaves no stone unturned. Regardless, a hyper-focus on any one aspect of a whole person is self-sabotage. That means you probably don't even realize how you hurt yourself (see "Faith Over Fear" April 2020).

Mistaking ego/pride for intuition is a common problem in love.

I once had a male acquaintance declare, "I won't date any woman who makes less than $75,000 a year." Given that women in much of the Western World make less than 78-cents to every male peer's dollar, that's really cutting out A LOT of great people for the benefit of some random figure. So, a gorgeous gal who's smart, talented and fit but only makes $72,000 a year is out then? $65,000 a year? $60,000??? All rather decent salaries...just not decent enough for this chap.

Putting a dollar-figure on a potential partner is petty and self-centered. It also speaks to the fact that you're not really interested in finding love--what you actually want is a physically attractive financial resource. I don't know ANYONE who'd be excited about being seen that way. Disappointing, to say the least.

My acquaintance did not need a dime from anyone, by the way--he made quite a lot of money himself (over $200,000/year). Even if he found his "dream" woman, if she got sick or lost her job, any time, efforts, energy she invested with him would have certainly been lost. As much wealth as he had, this person had a pervasive disconnect when it came to finances. To such an extent, it ruled his entire life. And yes, ruined his chances at finding real love. Because, even when he found a woman who met his financial standards, his hyper-focus on money inevitably ended things anyway.

Bottom Line

There are plenty of folks who aren't prepared to pay $20,000 for a date that are still invested in finding the real deal--they're just harder to find. Maybe it's someone you know already. Maybe it's someone new. Whoever the object of your affection is (or will be), if you want to ask them out--just do it. Creeping on people's Facebook pages or doing internet searches is ethically dicey. If you want to know if someone is single or not, ASK THEM. Don't go behind their back. Don't make assumptions ("But this guy commented on her post and she said she loved him"...first of all, that guy is married. Second of all, he's married to a man...SO DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!!). And, don't rely on hearsay or second-hand knowledge either. Friends and family don't know everything AND, side-note, they don't always have the best interest of others at heart...you know who does though? The person you're interested in.

Go straight to the source, people! Don't be shy...technology makes it easy to ask simple questions these days.

Stand in your own power. Be courageous. To truly (re)connect with a love interest, you're going to have to make yourself vulnerable. If you're not willing to do that, you're not as ready for love as you think you are.

Good luck to all you love-seekers in the time of COVID-19!

Never wait for Fate to "manifest" your heart's desire. Take charge of your own happiness by communicating your intentions in a clear, purpose-driven manner and you'll find what you're looking for. Guaranteed.

Proactive people are successful people...in both life AND love. So, what's it going to be??? Are you going to lurk in the shadows...or step into the light???

To Get Help in Matters of LOVE:

Sign up for a session and learn more about your love-language, click the link below:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

*2019 Beach-hair-don't-care photo...summer can't get here soon enough!

FAITH OVER FEAR

4/23/2020

Hello, Dearest Readers!

I hope you're keeping safe and well as lockdown continues. I've been looking over reader comments and there seems to be an interesting trend in relationships or love connections that ended before the pandemic hit. But as we are all now well into our second month of quarantine, people are re-evaluating their priorities. A good thing!

We are more lonely now, and that's why so many are considering how to effect positive change today that may be fully acted upon once restrictions are lifted. Before the threat of COVID-19, it seems there was a lot of ego and pride in love relationships--or a need to control others. But this virus is teaching us all that no one is really in control. None of us are guaranteed a future. And maybe--just maybe--we made some regrettable mistakes in our recent past that we now have ample opportunity to repair.

When we feel the need to keep tight control over our outside world, it's because there is chaos on the inside. That's a reactionary response to pain, resentment, fear--likely stemming from a toxic parent-relationship experienced during childhood. We unconsciously replay those familial psychological patterns for sometimes decades. These "inherited" attitudes and behaviors are so deeply ingrained, you may not even recognize you're an active participant, perpetuating toxic cycles.

How do you prevent repeating the past?

Faith over fear! Have faith in yourself, your instincts, your heart. Someone taught you at a very young age that you couldn't trust yourself. But, you can!

In order to make effective change, we have to commit to our own happiness by first acknowledging our unhappiness. We often take on martyr-roles in domestic life, giving up pieces of ourselves for others. But, why do we do that? Has anyone ever asked you to sacrifice yourself for their needs? And, if they have, that's not a healthy relationship. If you feel sad and/or stuck, the toxicity from that situation is why. But also, you have to recognize how you perpetuated it. Encouraged it. Someone may have been willing to throw you under the proverbial bus, but you were willing to do it yourself, too--or, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

At the end of the day, my greatest wish is for every single human being on Planet Earth to feel loved. Really loved. All the knowledge I've accumulated over the years ethically obligates me to ACT. I couldn't live with myself if I kept the ability to heal emotional wounds secret. Or, asked for outrageous amounts of money to relay information I feel is a RIGHT, not a privilege. You have the RIGHT to give and receive UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Simply because you exist.

Peace isn't achieved overnight. It's incremental, like success--one person at a time, one soul at a time.

Ready to start healing those old wounds??? Here we go:

1. Stop beating yourself up for your humanity.

Ending long-term commitments when we have shared family/assets is a daunting process. Starting a new life can be overwhelming as a result. Some part of us is also afraid of losing face. But that's ego talking. Pride. Anyone who judges you for being human is essentially an emotional Neanderthal and doesn't matter anyway.

If you're unhappy, you can break old cycles through increased honesty. Express your true intentions and desires. Being your truest self is who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of. When we have a family, we often worry about how our kids will see us when we are our authentic selves. But teaching your children to take ownership of their happiness is a good thing. When they are older and stuck in bad relationships, do you really want them to stay stuck...like you are? Or, would you want them to use your example to get unstuck and start living a life that gives them joy???

As a parent, I want my family to be authentic to themselves. You can maintain commitments to children and even former spouses by being equitable and fair. Staying calm. Not allowing others to bait you. Rising above petty behaviors and attitudes. When people speak badly about you, they're showing their own disconnects. That will be noticed by others. So will the fact that you did not sink to those same levels.

Be unapologetic about your choice to be authentically you. Your life, your choices. Simple as that. Those who love you will support you. Those who don't are self-serving. As a result, their opinions have far less (if any) gravity.

2. Avoid keeping score.

If you worry about reaching out to a connection because you think they'll reject you (especially if you rejected them at some point), you're keeping score. Because you keep score, you expect others to do so as well. But that's not how real love works. The fact that you feel this way should be a red flag about the negativity in your past relationship(s). Love relationships are supposed to make you feel safe--not defensive. You don't have to continue to participate in the unhealthy behavior if you're still disentangling from a toxic situation (via COVID-19). Creating "soft boundaries" with a soon-to-be-former spouse through clear, calm, consistent communication will help you feel more balanced as you navigate the path to a new life with someone who truly loves you.

A continued need to maintain control may be the reason behind a lack of momentum with your real love connection. And, it will eventually sever those ties if you don't start to understand what motivates you--in other words, learning the context behind your feelings, thoughts and actions will help you effect the positive changes you seek in both life and love.

Trying to control people/situations is a form of self-sabotage. Accepting responsibility for how you really feel is what will turn things around in the future. It's not a defeat or a surrender to admit your humanity. It's a victory. A victory over your past. You're no longer that little boy or girl looking for acceptance from someone who will never give it to you--a pattern you likely played out in previous relationships. Instead, by letting yourself fall in love again, you are giving yourself permission to finally be with an individual who will not only accept you, but will love and care for you unconditionally--that's what real love does. Only vertical (or codependent) relationships are punitive. If there's been no contact with your true love connection--it's time to reach out. Accepting real love means you're starting to heal. You can now take ownership without feeling shame or loss for being you. You'll begin to feel more confident, too. Life only gets better from there!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Avoid projecting your disconnects onto others. We all do that, by the way--it's how we live with ourselves after making some of our less intelligent choices. So, forgive yourself. Forgive whoever you need to forgive. And then, forget about it--the resentments, the little hurts, the pain. You no longer have to be petty. No more keeping score. You don't need to live in a state of regret...or, in the past. You now have a bright future ahead of you! A future full of love, trust, loyalty, fun, adventure--all because you had the courage to tell a person who loves you that you love them back.

Believe me, if your true love connection cared for you six months ago, they still care for you today. And, if the love between you two is real, they'll understand your fear. They'll understand you. They love you. That's what love is. It accepts you for who you are. It's both patient AND kind.

Accept true LOVE by accepting your true self. You really are built for victory, triumph and success.

Faith over fear! You got this....

To sign up for a session, click the link below:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

#QuarantineLife

4/22/2020

Welcome to ALL readers, no matter where you're from! These are the countries appearing in analytics this week (so far):

Argentina, Austria, Australia, Brazil, Canada, Chile, China, Cyprus, Denmark, Estonia, Egypt, France, Finland, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, Ireland, India, Italy, Japan, Korea, Liechtenstein, Mauritius, Montenegro, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Russia, Seychelles, Spain, South Africa, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Ukraine, UAE, UK, and the US.

If you don't see your country listed, it takes analytics about 24 hours to catch up. But it is interesting to see at least a few of the countries where readers are coming from, isn't it???

There are over 4,000,000 of you from around the globe in 150 countries, islands, principalities, and territories. Even before the pandemic, we were staying together while apart through our shared values and dreams. Somehow, that feels like a bit of a miracle to me....

Sharing our experiences during quarantine helps us feel less isolated, no matter where we are around the globe. So I thought I'd let you in to my typical day and welcome comments on what your typical days are like as well. We can all bloom and grow through this pandemic if we stay connected!

MORNING

Yesterday started at 4:34am. No, I don't use an alarm--don't have to. After responding to social media messages for about an hour or so, I got up, did 30 minutes of Pilates and meditation, showered, then headed downstairs.The Matcha smoothie was next--and it's a bit of a production, lol, full of anti-oxidants and naturally immune-boosting ingredients like fresh-squeezed OJ, raw honey, cinnamon, Matcha, banana, half an apple, and green coffee beans (good for brain function). I then took a bucketful of organic material (from fruits and vegetables) down to the compost pile, leaving a clutch of fresh apples at the treeline for the woodland creatures that populate the forest in my backyard (just call me Snow White!). The compost pile is at the bottom of a rather steep hill, so going up and down is a good 15 minute burst of cardio. Back inside for my daily 10 miles (about an hour) on the stationary bike before heading into my "office" (aka family room) with an English muffin and bottle of water to finish up some edits before continuing new writing for a variety of projects.

After 90 minutes or so, back upstairs I went to check on my 19-year old pup (133 in human years)--a true lady of leisure, she has a king-size to herself after I get up and because of her age, prefers to sleep in. But I have to run up there and check on her every hour or so (good excuse to get up and do a round on the stairs). While there, I assimilated some personal care items into their appropriate storage cubes (yes, I have storage cubes--don't judge me!) and went back down to continue writing and prepare for my first telesession of the day AFTER checking in to one of the courses I'm taking (this one is just for funsies at Harvard--it's all about ancient Egypt!).

AFTERNOON

My furry soulmate decided to rise and shine sometime around 12:15pm. That's always followed by an hour of "old dog" activities, including going outside to check the perimeter--just very, very slowly. Little Dog (as I call her) gets roasted chicken, gravy, carrots, and peas for her meals--all organic and all from scratch. I cook and do food prep for her like a human because she has been loyal to me more than any human ever has (and also because she gave me the gift of compassion). When someone gives true friendship, whether on four legs or two, I give it back tenfold. Just how I'm built.

Once my senior companion is settled comfortably amidst her faux fur blankets and pillows in the corner of the sectional, I can resume my coursework, research, writing, and editing until my next telesession. And yes, I forgot to eat lunch so by 6pm, was totally ravenous. A piece of leftover homemade vegan pizza from the weekend hit the spot along with half a peach and some water. Then. upstairs (yet again!) to change into hiking gear and hit the trail for a (nearly daily) tour of the marsh, old farm fields, and a more difficult foray following a deer path in a wooded area off-trail. I live at a 45-degree latitude in the Northern Hemisphere so it has been snowing off and on all week (and is actually snowing right now!). With COVID-19 being a respiratory disease, I don't go outside when temps are below freezing (which has been the case every other day). Before COVID, I was out hiking every day, regardless of the weather. But jeopardizing or weakening the respiratory system isn't something I'm willing to do at the moment. And yes, I was alone. Always somehow end up in the woods alone after dark--very Red Riding Hood, eh??? Though, it's more likely I was a wolf in another lifetime (which may explain why every dog on the planet loves me...who knows!).

EVENING

Once safely home, my pup and I take another 30-minute tour of the acre around my house. By now, the poor thing is tuckered out. I get her another plate of food and squeeze some OJ for the next morning while whipping up a few loaves of organic banana bread (with no added sugar or fat), cleaning the kitchen as I go. With the loaves in the oven for the next hour, I head back to work for a combo of telesessions (to accommodate a variety of time zones around the globe), coursework and yes, you guessed it--MORE WRITING.

Bedtime is whenever I finish my work--that can be anywhere between 1-3am. If it's 3am, I'm up around 6:30am to do it all over again. Maybe there's a variation thrown in there--instead of baking or doing food prep, I may re-pot an orchid, write thank-you notes, or start a home-project (like white-washing doors and window trim). I'll throw in weight training every other day. Row instead of bike when I'm bored. Or, just turn on some music for an hour and dance my ass off!

My closest neighbor and I will sometimes yell to one another from our front yards. Or, I'll talk to friends between telesessions on Skype, FT, or WhatsApp. I check in with family via text. And get in touch with the 85-year old I've adopted a few times a week to see if she'd like front-door delivery of Panera and/or groceries. We social distance and chat for a few minutes before I head home. Sometimes, I work on a canvas (yes, I paint...) or edit nature-photos from a recent hike (like the picture insert for this very post!). Poetry is a passion and I find myself jotting down lines here and there throughout the day.

*********

I'm not going to lie--I enjoy not feeling a sense of obligation to run around like the Tasmanian Devil a la Bugs Bunny cartoons. It's been really nice to take a beat and slow things down (despite the fact that I'm still ridiculously busy!). This weekend, I even got to watch a few movies. Outside of the obvious fear for the health and safety of others during the crisis, I'm legit happy and hope you are, too.

We all miss people and being able to safely gather together. What I missed almost right away was the ability to hop on a plane to UK or Ireland. Half my life is lived there so that was a big adjustment and will continue to be. Also missed the local pub, lol. I was there probably 3-4 nights a week for maybe an hour or so--just to hang out. Maybe eat dinner at the bar. Chat with a few regulars. The gym is something I miss as well--daily deadlifts were a hard habit to break. Now, I do unweighted ones and squats using a kitchen chair, push-ups on my kitchen counter, but I've had a bike for like 5 years now and a Pilates Reformer for probably 15. And yes, I have a few other pieces of equipment, too, but that's because I have always worked side-hustles from home. Before 24/7 gyms existed, I needed access to equipment at say, midnight or maybe 4am to work a work-out into my schedule purely for health reasons. As you can well imagine, writing/editing is a rather sedentary pursuit.

Mentally, the uncertainty is tough. But sticking to a daily routine is helping me to stay both active and busy. Dare I say, life is even beginning to feel a bit "normal" again as a result???

This, too, shall pass, friends and readers. Stay safe and strong! I'll continue pumping out the free content and am happy to schedule telesessions to help you find your creative energy amidst the crisis, or maybe help you find peace of mind so you can get more rest, be more productive, and feel less anxiety overall.

You're never alone! I'm here for you:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

*Original Photo Copyright Rebecca Housel 2020, taken at 7:27pm at dusk on 20 April 2020

#RelationshipRX: Arts & Letters

4/20/2020

Whether you have a ghost in your past, are dealing with a separation/divorce, or, have played the role of "ghost" yourself, during quarantine, we all have more time on our hands. This means we also have more time to go inward, seek answers, and follow the path to healing. Not just to heal ourselves, but others, too.

Who do you wish you could talk to? Is there someone--alive or dead--you have unfinished business with??? In the time of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are ALL more aware of the fragility of life. No one is guaranteed the 100-year punch pass anymore. While frightening, we still have agency. We may not be able to control COVID-19, but we can control our behavior, making this moment in human history an opportunity to be more mindful as individuals AND as a species.

We make ourselves mentally stronger through purpose. When you lose employment, family, friends, a relationship, a house, you will ultimately feel like there is none. That kind of response is just part of grieving. How we begin to heal is by receiving acknowledgement for our loss. When loss is obvious to others, we'll receive cards, letters, meals, etc. to help us through our grief. But in a pandemic, when everyone is dealing with some level of loss--and, much of that loss, invisible--learning how to give ourselves that acknowledgement and CLOSURE is an important survival skill.

How do you give yourself closure?

Regardless of the origin of your loss, writing a letter will help you gain perspective. You can write it to yourself from the other person's point of view as a way to deal with difficult dynamics often derived from family or friends who exhibit traits from the Dark Triad (psychopathy, NPD, & Machiavellianism). Or, it can be in your own voice to someone you miss. Maybe you wronged another and during this frightening time, realize your mistake. Maybe you lost a parent, child, partner, or friend, and wish you had the opportunity to tell them a few things. Whatever the reason behind the letter, giving yourself permission to express your thoughts and feelings will help you cope.

Love relationships are a good example of the kind of loss where closure is necessary. People tend to polarize "sides" when it comes to l'amour (love). But, there are no sides. Not really. Two people are in a relationship and unless one ghosts the other, both are equally responsible for the problems within it. Writing to someone you lost can and will help you organize the sequence of events that led to an ending instead of a beginning. No matter who you are in the equation, telling someone you cared about that you are truly sorry is a healing action. Good karma, too! People are afraid of opening doors they'd like to keep closed--if that's the case, don't send the letter. But I do encourage you to send correspondence that is positive, productive and proactive--that's when closure can and will be achieved. .

Instead of feeling stuck, you can take meaningful, effective action. Communication is the key to all relationships. Just because one has ended, doesn't mean you're okay. Healing takes time. My soul-purpose is helping others to build up their resiliency and confidence through positive action in order to create equally (if not greater) positive change.

How do you begin?

Start with "Dear _____" and go from there. Always kick things off by asking how a person is doing. Try to acknowledge a positive trait or memory about that person in the first paragraph. And, create a transition to the next paragraph that introduces why you're writing in the first place.

My other piece of advice?

Keep it short. Simple. Think "economy of words." That doesn't mean saying nothing--it just means front loading your words with more meaning for a bigger impact. Too much is often too much. People had shorter attention spans pre-COVID-19. Now, we're all even more distracted. So, I'm going to outline an example below to help get you started on your journey to greater self awareness, and by extension, greater healing:

"Dear Jon/Jane:

I hope you're well. Thought I'd check in given the state of the world.

I was sad after what happened last year. I know you were, too. But a sense of friendship remains, and I'm glad..

Take care--

(Your Name Here)"

Obviously, you will change the words to suit your unique situation. But the example above gives a kind of thumbnail-sketch of how to acknowledge a person without opening the door to anything but potential friendship in the future. This doesn't have to just apply to romantic relationships--it can be any kind of relationship.

That said, you may want to write to a person who doesn't deserve your words (abusers, etc.). In those circumstances, write as much as you want, but never send it. Use it as a tool to empower yourself, not invite others to continue to hurt you.

For those who played the role of "ghost" in the last six months or so and now realize your mistake a la COVID-19...start slow, but remain steady:

"Dear Jane/Jon:

You deserve an explanation--I didn't know how to say goodbye so said nothing at all. And I'm truly sorry. It wasn't my intention to ghost you--truly believed we'd have a chance to see each other again. But COVID-19 had other plans.

The more time that passed, the harder it was to find the words. I was scared. Really scared. Meeting you was not just a happy memory, but a life-changing moment. You've been on my mind every day since. I thought I was doing the right thing--letting you slip away was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

You have no reason to believe me. And I have no right to expect anything from you. But if you are somehow still interested in talking to me, it is my intention to come to you once this pandemic is over--not just for a night or two--but for as long as you'll have me.

There are people today who will never get a chance at a happy ending--they're just getting an ending. But if at all possible, I want us to have ours.

Stay safe and well. I hope to hear from you soon but understand if you need time--you're more than worth the wait.

YOUR NAME HERE"

Ghosts who want a shot at a successful reunion need to apologize right upfront, taking responsibility for what happened. Keep it brief, but be clear. Your second paragraph should express your honest feelings; third paragraph is an opportunity to state your intentions for the future. You don't have to propose, but do let the person know you see a future together and once it's possible to reunite in person, you will make every effort to do so. Close with an invite for the person to reach out, but without any pressure. Hopefully, you can revive a soul connection AND give yourself new-found purpose to work toward a positive future at the same time.

FOR ALL:

I've also recommended using a recording app on your phone and "talking" to someone you can't have a real conversation with--for whatever reason. When you're done, play it back and PAY ATTENTION. If you're Deaf/HH, use your camera phone or laptop to record yourself communicating with anyone you want. Watch it when you're done. No matter which way you go, you'll be able to notice things that give you insights into yourself and your motivations.

Painting, poetry, photography, sculpture, landscape design--these are all forms of expression, too. Artists use various forms of expression to create beauty out of emotions like fear, sadness and anger. To make sense out of the nonsensical. You can, too.

Whatever you choose to do--maybe a combination of the above suggestions--you have the power to give yourself closure. You do not need others to help you heal. You can heal yourself. It takes time and patience, but by using coping strategies through "arts and letters," you can and will beat any negative.

Waiting for someone who left you behind to help you heal is total self-sabotage. You can do better. All around.

Why?

You are worth every effort. Someone else may not have thought so, but that's their loss--which is, thankfully, not your problem. Not anymore. Your problem is making yourself feel better. Happy. Whole. And ready to live the life of your dreams--especially in light of all that's happening in the world.

Remember, you are BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!

Never forget it....

To sign up for a session to tackle grief, or any issue you're facing during the current health crisis, please click the link below. You're not alone...I'm here for you:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

#RelationshipRX: How to Exorcise A Ghost

4/19/2020

It's hard (really hard...) to be in love with someone who is no longer visible, at least, for you. People disappear for lots of reasons. But those reasons aren't important. Know what is important?

YOU.

If you're dependable, stable, loyal, polite, kind, respectful, and loving, you deserve someone who can match those same (unfortunately rare) gifts. Because, they are indeed gifts. And, you need a partner who both fully recognizes and appreciates that fact.

Successful people are secure people. Secure people are stable--if things aren't going to work out, they'll be straight with you. That's why they're successful, by the way. Pay close attention during those early conversations. If you're connection brings up an ex (especially if you're in bed), they're not ready. If they bring up more than one ex, they're REALLY not ready.

There are always exceptions, of course. People panic. Make hasty decisions. But I'm not talking about those scenarios. I'm talking about situations where one party is totally unaware there's a problem until the other party stops responding. Consistent with research on the psychology behind this 21st century phenomenon, those that ghost a love connection without apparent cause often aren't in stable employment situations, and yes, typically have pre-existing relationships (engaged/married and/or live-in partners). There's also a connection to familial socio-economic backgrounds that include periods of poverty.

Case in point, Charlize Theron infamously ghosted fiance, Sean Penn, after a two-year relationship. Theron has openly spoken about her struggles with anxiety and depression since; she's also from a modest socio-economic background that included addiction, alcoholism and domestic violence. Theron's father even threatened her life, forcing her to kill him in self-defense. To her credit, she has effectively channeled all of that into her work in Hollywood. But as of 2020, Theron has yet to (publicly) maintain a stable love relationship beyond the three-year mark. Theron's history exhibits patterns of self-sabotage in terms of not allowing herself the love, support and stability that a committed partnership can bring. And, she's not alone....

On the other side of the proverbial fence, talented beauties the likes of which include Halle Berry and Heidi Klum have been the victims of ghosting--Klum was even pregnant! I mean, if a freakin' runway model (and multi-millionaire!) can be ghosted, anyone can. In other words, it's not you--it's them. Your ghost, whoever they are, has a slew of issues you're likely unaware of. Keep reminding yourself of that when you inevitably start to miss that person. They probably miss you, too. But once someone makes the decision to ghost you, most of the time, it's because they have no intention of coming back.

Participants (20-45) in my ongoing transnational survey on sexuality who'd ghosted intimate partners without an explanation still felt love for the person they left behind, but a deep sense of shame via their ego/pride prevented them from reaching out again. Basically, they didn't want to take responsibility for their actions--which is why they disappeared in the first place.

Ghosts don't want to be talked out of their decision to walk away--that would defeat the self-sabotage their attempting to play out. By disappearing, a ghost knows it's a breach of trust that all-but-guarantees the end of the connection. You may want to give yourself closure at some point and say goodbye in a letter or note. But forgiving and forgetting are two very different things...but if a ghost is willing to earn back your trust, there may be hope for a happy future. Only you can decide what's right for you.

Self-respect is free. So is kindness.
Moving on from what you thought was the real deal is one of the hardest things you will ever do (emotionally speaking). When we fall in love, our bodies release a cocktail of hormones that flood the brain for about a year. Which is why it takes so long to get over a person you love, regardless of how long the relationship lasted. But hey, we happen to be in the middle of a pandemic anyway--it's the PERFECT time to exorcise those ghosts! If you do, you'll emerge from your quarantine-cocoon having achieved a total metamorphosis.

For those reading this who have haunted the hearts of ghosting victims far and wide, I encourage you to sign up for one of my sessions. We can work on why you aren't able to see things through in the romance department by identifying the psychological reward you receive by leading people on:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

If you've been ghosted and need help exorcising your own personal ghost, sign up for a session and we'll work on coping strategies for grief, including exercises that will build both your resiliency and confidence so you will NEVER AGAIN fall for a ghost wearing a human-suit:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

Whether you've been ghosted or are a ghost yourself, a little self-respect goes a very LONG way. In other words, ghosts need to APOLOGIZE or live with regret. And, those who have been ghosted need to focus on themselves, not the disconnects of others--their loss is your gain! So, put the Ben & Jerry's down and remember that you, too, are BUILT for VICTORY.

Stay safe out there!

*Photo insert: "St. Francis Borgia Helping a Dying Impenitent" (1788) by Francisco Jose de Goya y Lucientes (1746-1828), a prominent Deaf "romantic" artist from Spain

Ladies Night

4/14/2020

Turn about is fair play...and I'm nothing if not fair. So, in the spirit of equity (and fun!) during lockdown, I'm creating content to keep everyone amused. While #TheStraightMan (published on April Fool's...get it???) was "poking" fun at the male caricatures from 90's rom-coms, #LadiesNight will have to venture a little further into the future for Hollywood inspiration. Either way, there are absolutely no cocks in this hen-house!

THE QUEEN

I have to kick things off with my girl, rapper, musician and total super-star, Queen Latifah. With roles in films like Brown Sugar (2002), Barber Shop (2002), Chicago (2002), Bringing Down the House (2003), The Last Holiday (2006), Hairspray (2007), and Valentine's Day (2010) among many, many others, the Queen has been ruling over Hollywood big screens for nearly 30 years. And in that time, she has absolutely charmed the world while also helping to change the definition of beauty for ALL women. Before the Kardashians were known for their curves, there was THE QUEEN.

The Queen is that girl you all know, total royalty, she's calm, cool and collected. Independent, strong and proud, she walks with her head held high and seems to float a foot off the ground. No matter how tall she is, she appears even taller because she holds herself in high regard. The Queen's confidence and beauty are truly regal, shining from the inside out. She doesn't orbit anyone because she doesn't have to--she's the Queen! The Queen sits back and waits for good things to come to her. But, she's also not afraid to go out and get what she wants either. Not one to shy away from a challenge, she'll let you know when you have to check yourself. Funny, smart, loyal, sweet, and kind with *a bit* of an edge, this girl will steal your heart with her creative talent and wit (and, she's a giver in the bedroom, too, if you know what I mean). The total package, you'll want to worship your Queen for the rest of your life. If you do, she'll worship you right back! However, if you let the Queen slip through your clumsy fingers, you'll regret it (and, will end up looking for your lost Queen online like the cyberstalker you are forever and ever amen).

Put a ring on it, fellas! There's only one QUEEN....

THE REESE

Reese Witherspoon is the quintessential girl-next-door with her perky smile and plucky can-do attitude. From Legally Blonde (2001) and Sweet Home Alabama (2002) to Just Like Heaven (2005) and Four Christmases (2008), Reese Witherspoon has put in the time and is now the highest paid actress in Hollywood. How could she not be? No one can resist this approachable blonde with a slight Southern twang.

The Reese seems like she has everything with her good looks, wit and charm. She's talented, creative and whip-smart, too, but men often find her intimidating. Don't get me wrong--ALL men want to fuck her, but few imagine they can go beyond that with someone like the Reese. So even though she's financially independent, turns heads and is respected in her field, men don't think the Reese really need them. It's not true though. For all her many, many gifts, the Reese is still human. Only a man who can truly appreciate the value of this unicorn can (and will!) reap the benefits of her generosity and glamorous lifestyle...until then, it's suspicious exes, controlling men who withhold affection, and the smart-ass Vince Vaughn's of the world. Le sigh.

Where's Mark Ruffalo when you need him??? *cue crickets*

JENNY FROM THE BLOCK

Jennifer Lopez (JLo) went from being a no-name back-up dancer on In Living Color to literally taking over the entire world as a singer, song writer and performer. But this Grammy-nominated winner of EIGHT Billboard Latin Awards has also been nominated for 15 People's Choice Awards, 2 Golden Globes AND a nod from the Screen Actor's Guild. Jenny from the block got game, y'all! Some of my big screen favs starring JLo include Selena (1997), The Wedding Planner (2001), Maid in Manhattan (2002) Enough (2002), Monster-in-Law (2005), and, The Back-up Plan (2010). Even with all that swagger, Jennifer Lopez has had her share of romantic disasters. It quite literally took a player for this bikini-wearing coach to find true love.

Her "MILF-shake" may bring ALL the boys to the yard, but only the worthy can hope to get a taste. The inspiration for my blonde hair (and bangin' bikini-bod), I'm proud to introduce you to THE JENNY:

Jenny-from-the-block doesn't come from much cash. But her humble beginnings are what give her a Capricorn-level drive and work ethic the likes of which you will not see again in your lifetime. A true rags-to-riches Cinderella story, the Jenny knows she's only one lost-job away from homelessness so she's always busy working on her next gig, jet-setting around the world to chase potential leads. She's been hurt before by love-em-and-leave-em types (and that abusive-ex who nearly stalked her death...but girl can shoot!). A cheating ex-husband knocked her (and someone else) up, so the Jenny is a single mom...but she's a supa-hawt single mom!

Lots of men have made empty promises to the Jenny, promises that include everything from pink diamond rings to world tours, so when the Jenny is approached by someone new, she keeps him at arm's length until he can prove his worth. Fragile male egos get bristly when women don't automatically fall into their arms (or, for their charms), so the Jenny is often close to 50 before she finds her soulmate (and equal) in Mr. Right. However, there may be a few wildly attractive (and MUCH YOUNGER) Mr. Right Nows in between.

More power to you, sistah! Never settle for anything less than an A-Rod...

THE CHER

From Moonstruck (1987) to Mermaids (1990) to The Witches of Eastwick (1987), Cher's Native American roots made her one of the most stunning high-cheek boned goddesses in America with long, lean legs and an absolute glorious mane of silken dark hair. The Stuck On You (2003) star proved her self-deprecating chops by playing herself in the Farrelly Brothers comedy, allowing her rather infamous penchant for younger men to become the punchline when it's revealed that Cher's boyfriend is then-18-year-old, Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle).

A sucker for bad-boys, the Cher is a force-of-nature. She's mysterious, magical...and will never, ever text you back. When things are good, they're REALLY GOOD and when things are bad...TOTAL NIGHTMARE. The Cher would give even the Devil a run for his money. The Cher is a wild-child and will absolutely be in love with you one minute, and ghost you the next. You won't know whether you're coming or going. And, you'll love every minute of it. The more she abuses you, the more you fall for her.

The Cher is great in bed but she's not a giver--she just crazy after a few drinks. So crazy, you two might end up flying to Vegas and getting married! But don't worry, in 30 days, the Cher will be bored of domestic life (and you) and those quickie divorce papers will be in the mail before you know it.

THE MAGGIE

Maggie Q is known for her physical skills and drop-dead good looks in such films as Mission Impossible III (2006), Live Free or Die Hard (2007) and Balls of Fury (2007). But the Hawaiian-born Nikita star with Vietnamese roots is more than just a pretty face. She's known for her work as an animal rights activist (and dog-lover)--which is why she became a vegetarian (like me!). Ms. Q also has street cred raising political awareness through the Center for Asian Americans United for Self Empowerment (CAUSE). Q has been working as an international model since she was 17. Her work on the Hong Kong circuit led to multiple movie roles, and that's when she got her first big break in an American blockbuster (Rush Hour 2) thanks to Jackie Chan, who was impressed by Q's mastery of martial arts.

Sidenote: I worked with Maggie Q during my comic con tour and she is the real deal! Total sweetheart. We're both long-time ethical vegetarians (and now, vegans) and I respect Ms. Q beyond belief. This category of a 21st century Wonder Woman is inspired by some of the roles Maggie has played over the years, not her actual person (though I do see her as a total Amazonian goddess).

The Maggie is the kind of girl who is a real go-getter. She'll have you up and out the door for a running session at 4:30am, juicing by 5:30am, walking the dog(s) by 6am, and on the road by 6:30am (to beat traffic). She works multiple jobs, volunteers, takes Krav Maga, speaks at least three languages, and can still can whip you up the best tasting BBQ tofu tacos you've ever had! A member of a 24/7 gym, the Maggie will goad you into watching your favorite guilty pleasure on the CW from the treadmill and later kick your ass at dead lifts and squats. A late walk with the dog(s) sees you both in bed before midnight.

The Maggie is disciplined and organized. There are no messy closets. She likes to keep things simple, even her beauty routine. No cosmetic-clutter for this clever girl, the Maggie owns minimal make-up, preferring her SPF in a tinted moisturizer so she can take care of three crucial skincare steps all at once (I do this, too...thank you, IT Cosmetics!). The Maggie is super-effective at life so isn't looking for foolish men who peacock or pander. She's focused and successful--you'd better be able to keep up, or you'll fall behind. And while the Maggie is a caring partner, she's not interested in carrying any dead weight.

Better twerk it up! Cuz the Maggie is one bad bitch....

Cut & Scene!

Welp, that's a wrap on our Hollywood-inspired categories for the gals. Stay tuned for more entertaining posts written JUST FOR YOU to help ease the pangs of the current pandemic.

Wait...did you say something? What category fits me best???

Good question! The answer is...none!

To be totally honest (and I am!), I'm a little of each. I feel like I'm 10-feet tall and don't need/want to cater to others, like THE QUEEN, but I'm also a can-do perky blonde who's both approachable and intimidating, and yes, I totally give off the I-Don't-Need-Anyone vibe via THE REESE. My childhood was humble, like JENNY FROM THE BLOCK, but it didn't stop me from achieving lofty goals. Various men (including Hollywood stars to Fortune 500 execs) have promised me the moon in the past yet still disappeared so I don't take anyone too seriously until they've proven their worth. But I can let loose and be a bit of a wild child in the right moment, similar to THE CHER, while also being extremely disciplined (a la THE MAGGIE).

At one point, I was biking 40 miles every single day and lifting four times a week while eating no more than 1,200 organic vegan calories between 4am and 4pm in a 24-hour period. Writing books and earning graduate and post-grad degrees take massive amounts of discipline, too, but when I'm in a hurry, I twirl about like the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny animated canon. Overall, my house is neat and clean. Beds are always made. Kitchen and bathrooms are in order. But I don't freak out about dirt or spills. And yeah, I can decorated a Christmas tree, wrap gifts and cook like Martha Stewart. But I've never worked with Snoop...just Wiz Khalifa, does that count???

If you think just one of those ladies would be a handful, you definitely don't have the fortitude for all five rolled into one hawt-toddy of a bawdy package, complete with D-cups, and a Doctorate for good measure.

Also, I don't just speak three languages--it's more like 10. Try to keep up....

Are you smiling yet??? Good! Keep smiling. Things are difficult right now, but stick to a daily routine if you can, stay physically active and connected to friends through social, and you'll get through just fine. If you find yourself struggling or dealing with any kind of anxiety/depression, please give one of my telesessions a try. I started my online practice a month before the lockdown, but I've been doing this same work for 20 years and can really help you...if you let me.

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

Stay safe, everyone!

Self-sabotage: Overthinking (in) Matters of Love

4/13/2020

As you can see from the picture insert, for what was the first time in six years, I opened a bottle of wine from my cellar. Having the Bordeaux sitting on the counter (as pieces of the 15-year old cork kept it company) was so rare, I actually took a snap in appreciation of the moment

Thinking things through in kitchen design creates a functional aesthetic that both beautifies and improves one's life; I find the space I built in my kitchen a calming refuge and I'm grateful I "overthought" every detail--from the Brazilian granite to the recycled glass tiles in the backsplash. But applying too much thought to a relationship can keep us stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, leading to years of unhappiness. Stopping that cycle in its tracks will help you find the fulfillment we all crave. Continuing it, however, is a willful desire to remain unhappy. Essentially, someone victimized you in the past, and you're now so comfortable in that role, you're unaware of what you do to keep yourself there, which is problematic when facing crucial life-changing crossroads...like meeting your soulmate.

In order to make the most of what spiritualists call "divine timing," you have to be ready to seize the moment when it arrives. If you've been hurt before (and, who hasn't???), you may choose to walk away, coming up with justifications that effectively end the connection. That's very sad, isn't it? I don't want that for you...or, me. Being self-aware can help combat our fears. But in order for us to do that, we have to stay open. Open to the possibilities. And, when the time is right, translate that openness into honesty.

Maybe you walked away from someone in the past and wondered, "Why did I do that? I really liked him/her. They just felt unavailable or unattainable in some way."

I know I have....

That's self-sabotage. Overthinking in a nutshell. Instead of going with it, you got scared and backed off, missing an opportunity to bloom and grow as a human being.

Opening a bottle of wine for just me always felt frivolous, wasteful even. And since I haven't had anyone willing to share a good red in about six years, I'd not opened a single bottle in all that time. Not one. Until a few days ago....

The other evening, I was cooking home-made gnocchi and arrabbiata sauce, humming and swaying to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" while taking in the earthy aroma of the blended tomatoes, herbs and spices bubbling away on the stove top. With a suddenness I still don't quite understand, I abruptly decided to go down to the cellar and pick out a bottle of wine. Just like that. Without a second thought. No idea why. I just wanted it and effectively went after what I wanted. And, I'm glad I did--it was the best thing I've had in my mouth since October 10th.

It's sad to look back on the last six years, knowing I wasn't allowing myself the simple pleasure that comes from a good glass of wine. Makes me wonder what else I've missed out on thanks to overthinking....

Making unilateral decisions is something we tend to do as adults. We take our emotional context for granted, discounting how all those little hurts, the betrayals, the narcissistic partners (and narcissistic parents!) have added up, thinking, "I'm fine," when we're anything but. In the interest of keeping calm and carrying on, we box up negatives and put them on some dusty shelf in our brain, believing compartmentalization means we've dealt with the issue. But it's simply not true.

My early decision to walk away in a love relationship because of a unilateral decision continued to reverberate, creating a kind of tidal eddy that we just couldn't escape--even after a second chance. Someone who wasn't skittish before that moment became less trusting. He then began looking for reasons as to why I had a change of heart, even though I never had a change of heart, just a change of mind. A harrowing fear of abandonment on my end led to my choosing to believe that someone I really cared about simply wasn't available, even though that was clearly not the case. To make matters worse, once I got my second chance, pride got the better of me and I basically denied my feelings, acting as though a (rather public) prior proclamation of love was unintentional. I know...not cool. As a result of my insecurities, by the time I was finally ready to admit to my feelings, it probably looked forced, less-than-authentic.

Burgeoning romance is a delicate creature. Similar to the wings of a moth, one wrong move can turn love to dust.

I hope this helps those of you in similar situations to avoid missing your once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection. But if you think that may have happened already, try reaching out. And, be honest when you do.

Love requires vulnerability. So when I consider my overall behavior, I can see how the momentum we built during that second chance got lost in the shuffle of insecurity. Of course, there are always two people in a relationship and perhaps from the other party's perspective, it may have appeared to be no-win. When he first pushed me to come clean, I was unhappy about what I saw as impertinence, but was still willing to respond because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So, he made it for me.

I still wasn't being completely honest, blaming indecision, when in fact, I'd made a decision--I just didn't want to own up to it. Even though I felt time stand still the moment we met, I prioritized potential problems over a person I really cared for--not because he wasn't worthy, but because I didn't feel like I was.

I knew I'd probably miss him for the rest of my life, but wanted to avoid what I perceived as a big ball of blinding pain. You see, when you don't think yourself worthy of love, you can only ever imagine rejection and abandonment as the end result of every relationship. Obviously, I didn't come to that way of thinking on my own--I learned it in my early years of life: People who say they love you will deliberately hurt you, sabotage you, disappoint you, and ultimately, abandon you...I'm crying as I type all this out--it's very sad and very, very frustrating. In trying to protect myself (coming from that background), I unintentionally hurt others and when I attempt to make things right, they end up hurting me. Only a nurturing, compassionate, loving, kind, and understanding partner could change that cycle....

While I do what I can to give myself unconditional love, neural pathways are re-routed when you get consistent positive feedback from a stable outside source. I sort of see that as the ultimate love relationship--providing a stable source of positive feedback to build your partner up through things like regular sex, as well as being generally considerate and kind--creating a comfortable home to share, cooking for each other, making time for walks or hikes in nature, intimate conversations, sharing a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace and laughing together--intentionally making deliberate efforts to increase your partner's sense of security, self-worth, confidence, and overall feeling of being loved and valued. All of that seems so easy and natural to me. More's the shame....

When I messed up the first time around, the other party reached out. I was legitimately thrilled and truly hoped it was the beginning of a fresh, new start. We seemed to meet each other's courage in kind after that. Felt pretty magical...until it didn't.

Third chances don't manifest very often in life. Being as honest as possible is your best defense against self-sabotage.

Bottom Line:

Real love has no deadline. If you feel it, you feel it. You can run. You can hide. But it will still be there. So be kind to yourself and the person you care for by giving love a fighting chance, okay???

Make "compassion over judgement," your new mantra. I have, and it's helped me to see a painful situation from both sides, allowing for recognition of my role in what happened so it never happens again. If you want to learn how to clear your negatives, discuss relationships, dating, twinflames, and/or soulmates, feel free to click the link below and sign up for a session. Once COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, you'll be fully prepared to embrace true love.

Why?

Because, of course, YOU ARE BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!

Never forget it....

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

#RelationshipRX: When is it time to move on???

4/11/2020

Questions surrounding relationships are fairly common. Even the most confident among us can start to wonder when a person you were certain returned your feelings pulls a Harry Houdini. So, I've come up with a few basic truths that resonate across the board, hopefully helping those of you currently questioning a situation gain some clarity.

1. If s/he hasn't made contact in 60+ days, that individual is with someone else.

Yes, we all want to believe it's insecurity. That, somehow, the object of your affection is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. But in our tech-savvy world, it's ridiculously easy to get in touch. When you've been intimate with someone more than once and have been upfront about how you feel, yet still hear crickets--it's not insecurity.

Never avoid being honest in hopes of not "scaring someone off." The right person won't be scared. In fact, if your person came back for more after you provided (perhaps public) evidence as to the depth of your feelings yet s/he still walked away AFTER increasing intimate contact, their intentions were never pure. With all due sadness, I must convey that you were duped by a narcissist seeking "supply." Any expression of emotional attachment on your end was used against you to gain your acceptance and trust. Misleading someone you know has feelings for you to exploit things like sex, time, money--any resource, really--is despicable. It's hard to believe a person you are in love with ever set out to hurt you. But sociopaths don't exactly come with warning labels.

However, it's possible someone who wasn't scared at the outset of a relationship may begin to feel fear accompanying a life-changing love--we're talking massive evolution of tectonic breadth. Situations like that might include such prospects as long-distance relationships. There's an absolute slew of future logistics to figure out and intelligent folks could get overwhelmed and/or daunted in such scenarios. Backing off to regroup (in order to muster the strength to take on the challenge) is a legitimate response and 100% forgivable IF your person comes forward in a reasonable amount of time and asks for a sit-down. Why? Because they know they want a future with you and hope to create a kind of mutually-beneficial road map to the finish line. Patience and perseverance will get you there. I haven't survived the unsurvivable for nearly 30 years because I lacked patience or ever, ever, ever gave up.

FUN FACT #317:

Solid partnerships are worth their weight in gold. The long-term benefits outweigh any initial discomfort. A lifetime of love (or at least 25-30+ years of it) will be worth every effort.

After 60 days of no contact with a former intimate partner, you've officially been ghosted (for lack of a better term). In my experience, ghosts always come back to haunt you. There are exceptions to every rule, of course. But it's possible someone who dropped off the face of the Earth may come back six months later to tell you they're now divorced (or free from their previous attachments) and are finally ready to pursue a real relationship. Long-term toxic partnerships are hard to disentangle from. It can takes years. But if you've met your person, you can still be together and happy, even if your commitment ceremony ends up being a hand-fasting and not an official wedding just yet. People in these situations may need to take a longer beat than usual to figure out an action-plan.

Best Advice:

It's highly likely a person who has ghosted you moved on with someone else.

Also in need of serious consideration: By not issuing a definitive goodbye, your person may have been keeping things deliberately vague. This way, they could potentially sweet talk their way back into your bed (should things not work out with whomever they're really with).

I know that it's hard for those who are more stable to think of moving on from a connection without knowing what really happened. It takes no time to type out:

"Hey...sorry for the delay in my reply. I've reunited with my ex; things are going well. I really enjoyed spending time with you though and wish you every happiness--you deserve it and so much more. Please stay in touch. We have a real connection and I hope it eventually translates to friendship. Be safe and well!"

Courage is hard to come by for people who have a lot of explaining to do....

With a little luck, the person who ghosted you will eventually think better of it and make amends--especially now, with all the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. By making amends I mean returning any gifts or love-tokens, paying for expenses you may have incurred under false pretenses, and, backing it all up with an appropriately written apology.

Or, as an alternative, getting flushed down some cosmic toilet bowl works, too.

Either way....

2. If s/he seems interested yet drops off for days+ at a time, you're not the only person they're dating.

When we have love-feelings for someone else and are honest about those feelings, you're proving you are ready for a relationship. You're courage shows your partner that you value them and their time investment.

Loyalty in relationships is a commodity. A person who loves you no matter what is a freakin' unicorn in a world where easy access was just a swipe away (pre-C19...but it will get back there again in time: body condoms--you heard it here first!).

Maybe there was an initial miscommunication a la fear. Again, it's easy to clear those up with a simple email. If you get a positive response, the person may have misread you or your intentions and backed off. But if you don't get a timely reply after reaching out, it's really over.

If you don't mind being someone's option, you can stick around. Maybe you're going for the "mold on bread" theory and hope something eventually takes root and grows--but, do you really want your relationship to be akin to mold??? Warts take root and grow, too, you know....

FUN FACT #226:

No relationship that can be compared to a fungus or an STD is built to withstand the test of time.

Again, always exceptions to every rule--but when you accept unacceptable terms and conditions in any relationship, you're setting yourself up for a pattern of hardship that will leave you unfulfilled in the long run.

3. Scenario: "My spouse/partner stopped holding my hand in public and rarely makes time for us to go out together anymore. Yet, s/he disappears to visit with family or hang out with friends for half a day or more. When we do go out, it's never longer than a few hours and all I hear about is how little time s/he has."

Tough one, for sure. I'm sorry if this is happening to you. If it is, your spouse/partner is likely wandering. You're probably "too expensive" to divorce. And now, you've been relegated to the sidelines. In other words, you've been benched in lieu of other players in the field (but are still under contract so can't yet go off on your own as a free agent).

You can ask your partner outright what's going on, but you probably won't get an honest answer. Especially if there are shared assets at stake. But you can still draw a few boundaries--this is what you do if you believed you and your partner were in love and shared your lives only to unexpectedly learn they'd been planning for a future without you (secret savings accnts, etc. are tell-tale signs). No one serious about the relationship should be drawing boundaries--healthy relationships have a basic level of trust. However, when that isn't present, there's probably another person in the mix and your spouse may quite possibly be preparing to leave you with a secret stash of cash they've been socking away without your knowledge.

KEY CONCEPT:

Any person who is vulnerable in some way, regardless of gender or orientation, has a good shot at getting used and abused. That's why financial independence is so, so important.

Someone hurt you? If you have have a nice car, a house and a decent income that allows for self-care, the idiot who walked away is also an irrelevant idiot. There will always be PLENTY of fish in the sea looking for stable, loving, loyal, and attractive partners who own their own homes and are financially secure. You'll still be disappointed when a person you have good chemistry with is too much of a coward to admit to their feelings--or, is too damaged to leave a pre-existing codependency. Thankfully, their disconnects are not yours. Send them positive energy and move on. Under the current C19 restrictions, that's not easy, but I hear video-dates can still be pretty fun...at least it's hopeful!

You may regret the lost potential, but it's a good thing when a person you've invested in emotionally stops wasting your valuable time (for whatever reason). And hey, never say never! If someone you had legit feels for comes around again for the relationship-sequel, the ball is totally in your court. There are always exceptions and it's not a bad thing to let a person you still care for (who has taken responsibility for their wrong-doing) prove that they're serious this time around.

You have to kiss A LOT of frogs to find your Prince (or Princess). But if you stay open by letting go of the users and abusers, you'll free yourself up to actually find someone who wants what you want.

#RealTalk

Someone who wants all the fun and none of the responsibility is only playing at love. Hurt by others in the past, now unhappy in their current lives, these folks are self-saboteurs unable to effect real change. You can only do so much to protect yourself without totally closing your heart. Unfortunately, unethical types know this and will use it to their advantage.

There are still good people out there who are intelligent/healthy enough to not project their pain onto others. If it's just a one-night thing and you don't expect more, a healthy person will say so upfront. Look for those who are clear about their intentions. Only unhealthy individuals use pretense to manipulate emotions. Sometimes, you go on a few dates and like each other but things mutually fizzle out. That's no one's fault. However, when a clear momentum has built up and one party naturally feels safe enough to share their feelings, it's not a surprise. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

Stay positive and you'll eventually meet your match. Promise!

PS: A person who truly loves you cares about your health and safety and wants to protect you from harm. That's how you can identify a true lover--they will travel anywhere for you, even if they have to walk 1,000 miles.

SIGNS

4/10/2020

Have you ever had a sixth sense about something? You don't know how or why, you just feel it???

We call that "intuition," or, our "gut instinct." While the gut-brain axis has been proven to influence our thoughts in terms of our own body. I'm talking more about knowing the car in front of you is going to suddenly take a left without warning. Or, that someone is watching you while your back is turned.

Harvard University published their telepathy study in 2014. It proved that total strangers can send and receive basic images across thousands of miles. Harvard researchers were able to verify these results by connecting electrodes to participant-brains and measuring responses based on certain images. The caveat is that those of us outside of a research lab can't quantify such moments which means we also can't verify them. Without verification, acting on what we believe are telepathic messages, or any such "psychic" prompts, appears delusion. And, that can be *a tad* problematic:

Three years ago, I wrote a piece called #WritersBlock (24 February 2017). My work in the world of entertainment led to some really unfortunate turns, including cyber/stalkers. One in particular believed he could talk to the dead...specifically, the baby girl I lost in 2014. When he began relaying supposed "messages" from "the other side" full of info taken from my social media feed, it was an incredible violation. A horrific and painful exploitation of my loss. But I had dealt with people like this pathetic excuse for a human being before...in my own childhood.

My Psychology Today column, #SurviveAnything, includes a piece called "Fatal Attraction" (August 2019); it's about the pitfalls of accepting possibility over probability and how that may be a sign of serious mental health issues. In the piece, I share how a parent with these same symptoms (and later, a confirmed diagnosis) believed in psychic phenomenon. So much so, he used a psychic reading as an excuse to abuse me, hurting my life in irreparable ways. So, it's more than fair to say that when it comes to the unseen, I'm a healthy skeptic. But even I can't deny what Carl Jung described as synchronicity...or, signs.

The 10th of April is a day that marks the loss of two friends: A family member, "Scott," died unexpectedly seven years ago--long before his time. The other, a fellow author who became a friend and mentor, died but one year ago today. Her name was Heidi Messenger. And, believe it or not, she was a Medium.

Heidi was the most positive person I'd ever met. She was also a cancer survivor. Even in the midst of receiving harsh cancer treatments, Heidi made time for cheering others. She was unique--a true encourager. And I respected the hell out of her for having the grace of not just a queen, but an absolute Empress in the face of her own mortality...as well as the utter stupidity of others.

Because of my context, I basically saw Heidi as a nice lady who harmlessly gave others hope in order to help them heal. In fact, Heidi considered herself a healer. And, she really was, given how people responded to her.

Heidi truly believed in signs from the Universe. She saw magic in the smallest of creatures, like an ant or a spider. Heidi also believed we could connect to people who had passed. Most psychic mediums never tell others how they perform these magical feats. But Heidi actually held workshops to help folks develop what she saw as a natural talent that everyone is born with. Why would any psychic reveal their secrets, giving away the proverbial milk for free, as it were?

They wouldn't. Fakes (of all varieties) are loathe to say anything that might expose them as such.

Heidi Messenger was the real deal, that's why she used her sense of connection to the Universe to help others--not just to heal, but to develop their own intuition as well as TRUST their gut.To me, that's pure magic. As was Heidi.

Manifesting was part of Heidi's "magic," too. She developed a set of unique oracle cards that are essentially positive reminders to help one focus on the silver linings in life. And, they also feature a culmination of Irish art and artists with original paintings and cards that include Irish sayings like, "Ring in the Brack" (which is a golden ring placed in a traditional Irish sweetbread connected to Samhain, one of Ireland's four fire festivals).

Heidi and I met in Ireland, but Heidi was actually British. The first time we met, we were chatting away when all of a sudden, Heidi began speaking to me in an ancient language. I speak about 10 languages, some with more frequency than others. But this one in particular, I know really well. It's considered the language of the angels and when my very British friend began talking to me in a 6,000-year old language, I was utterly shocked.

Skeptic that I am, I (at first) assumed Heidi had prepared for our meeting, maybe memorized what she was saying. But a person who memorizes lines, knows how to pronounce the words. However, someone just hearing another speak in an unfamiliar language, then, attempting to relay it, will make minor errors in pronunciation. Having taught this particular language for four years, I knew when a student was just mimicking me versus actually learning to read (and speak) the language. When I heard Heidi drop a few natural syllables, I knew she was really "hearing" them--but from an unseen source. At least, unseen by me.

Perhaps the Harvard telepathy study (which I shared with Heidi as well) might help to explain how Heidi knew an ancient language very few speak today. Perhaps. Or, it's possible Heidi was right--"there is more to Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in our philosophies."

Shakespeare's famous quote (above) from Hamlet seems appropriate...the Prince of Denmark, like my friend Heidi, also saw ghosts.

Fellow author, friend and colleague, Chris Sherlock, has a radio programme in Galway. His show today was a beautiful tribute for our mutual fallen friend, Heidi. Chris had rather sweetly invited me to record a few minutes about Heidi and included it (around) 29 minutes into his show. After I finished listening to the heartfelt memorial, I recorded a voice message for Chris on WhatsApp, congratulating him on a job well done, commenting on Heidi's oracle cards--specifically the daffodil (one of Heidi's favorite flowers). Not even 60 seconds later, Chris responded with a picture of the daffodil card from Heidi's deck. Apparently, he was listening to my message while pulling cards. As I said the word, "daffodil," Chris turned over the actual daffodil card. I'm over 3,000 miles away. If Heidi were here right now, she'd be smiling....

All of this connects to an experience I had this summer and fall with someone who also believed in the currents of the Universe, too. Words like "Fate" and "Destiny" have real gravity. But after Heidi passed last April, despite my staunch skepticism, I found myself buying a split opal from the bottom of the world based on a random feeling. Or at least, what I perceived to be random.

Thinking about Heidi today has reminded me to be more present. I know quite a lot but I certainly don't know everything, and, that's okay.

It's hard to release our sense of control--especially amidst the uncertainty of the current pandemic. I did not believe in Fate. I believed in only Destiny--Destiny is a choice. We make it ourselves. That belief was called into question in 2019. I followed my feelings--a totally unusual thing for a pragmatist like me to do. And it seemed the Universe answered my willingness to trust in possibility (or potential) by granting me a wish.

To trust in what is fleeting. To believe in things we cannot quantify through scientific testing. That's hard. But I can't deny that the reward for putting aside my need for proof had a(n) (albeit unexpected, but) rather happy ending.

While I'm still a healthy skeptic, I can let go enough to concede that sometimes possibility wins out over probability. Earlier this evening, after listening to my friend Heidi's voice, I wandered down to my wine cellar and picked up a bottle I'd aged for the last 15 years. It was a rich Bordeaux from the Medoc. I haven't opened a bottle wine in literally six years. Six. Years. Why tonight? And, why red??? My gut is telling me it's connected to someone 3,300 miles away. I suppose I'll never know...but if Heidi was right about the world, perhaps in time, the mystery of my renewed faith will be rewarded once again.

I miss you, my dear friend, Heidi (whom I called "Cardinal of Earth"). If you can hear me, you know my heart's desire. And if you know my heart's desire, I have more faith than ever that it can, indeed, come true.

Until we meet again!

To hear Heidi talk about her experiences with the unseen, take a listen to her tribute on
The Chris Sherlock Show:

https://www.mixcloud.com/TheMidweekShow/a-tribute-to-author-medium-heidi-messenger/?utm_campaign=notification_new_upload&utm_medium=email&utm_source=notification&utm_content=html

#SIGNS

PS: The picture insert was taken yesterday during a hike. I was actually walking through a meadow and one of those feelings caught me--a feeling that I was being watched. When I turned with the camera in my hand, I saw this display of light through the lens. It wasn't visible otherwise. My beloved friend, Heidi, immediately came to mind....

About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

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