I have to kick things off with my girl, rapper, musician and total super-star, Queen Latifah. With roles in films like Brown Sugar (2002), Barber Shop (2002), Chicago (2002), Bringing Down the House (2003), The Last Holiday (2006), Hairspray (2007), and Valentine's Day (2010) among many, many others, the Queen has been ruling over Hollywood big screens for nearly 30 years. And in that time, she has absolutely charmed the world while also helping to change the definition of beauty for ALL women. Before the Kardashians were known for their curves, there was THE QUEEN.
The Queen is that girl you all know, total royalty, she's calm, cool and collected. Independent, strong and proud, she walks with her head held high and seems to float a foot off the ground. No matter how tall she is, she appears even taller because she holds herself in high regard. The Queen's confidence and beauty are truly regal, shining from the inside out. She doesn't orbit anyone because she doesn't have to--she's the Queen! The Queen sits back and waits for good things to come to her. But, she's also not afraid to go out and get what she wants either. Not one to shy away from a challenge, she'll let you know when you have to check yourself. Funny, smart, loyal, sweet, and kind with *a bit* of an edge, this girl will steal your heart with her creative talent and wit (and, she's a giver in the bedroom, too, if you know what I mean). The total package, you'll want to worship your Queen for the rest of your life. If you do, she'll worship you right back! However, if you let the Queen slip through your clumsy fingers, you'll regret it (and, will end up looking for your lost Queen online like the cyberstalker you are forever and ever amen).
Put a ring on it, fellas! There's only one QUEEN....
Reese Witherspoon is the quintessential girl-next-door with her perky smile and plucky can-do attitude. From Legally Blonde (2001) and Sweet Home Alabama (2002) to Just Like Heaven (2005) and Four Christmases (2008), Reese Witherspoon has put in the time and is now the highest paid actress in Hollywood. How could she not be? No one can resist this approachable blonde with a slight Southern twang.
The Reese seems like she has everything with her good looks, wit and charm. She's talented, creative and whip-smart, too, but men often find her intimidating. Don't get me wrong--ALL men want to fuck her, but few imagine they can go beyond that with someone like the Reese. So even though she's financially independent, turns heads and is respected in her field, men don't think the Reese really need them. It's not true though. For all her many, many gifts, the Reese is still human. Only a man who can truly appreciate the value of this unicorn can (and will!) reap the benefits of her generosity and glamorous lifestyle...until then, it's suspicious exes, controlling men who withhold affection, and the smart-ass Vince Vaughn's of the world. Le sigh.
Where's Mark Ruffalo when you need him??? *cue crickets*
JENNY FROM THE BLOCK
Jennifer Lopez (JLo) went from being a no-name back-up dancer on In Living Color to literally taking over the entire world as a singer, song writer and performer. But this Grammy-nominated winner of EIGHT Billboard Latin Awards has also been nominated for 15 People's Choice Awards, 2 Golden Globes AND a nod from the Screen Actor's Guild. Jenny from the block got game, y'all! Some of my big screen favs starring JLo include Selena (1997), The Wedding Planner (2001), Maid in Manhattan (2002) Enough (2002), Monster-in-Law (2005), and, The Back-up Plan (2010). Even with all that swagger, Jennifer Lopez has had her share of romantic disasters. It quite literally took a player for this bikini-wearing coach to find true love.
Her "MILF-shake" may bring ALL the boys to the yard, but only the worthy can hope to get a taste. The inspiration for my blonde hair (and bangin' bikini-bod), I'm proud to introduce you to THE JENNY:
Jenny-from-the-block doesn't come from much cash. But her humble beginnings are what give her a Capricorn-level drive and work ethic the likes of which you will not see again in your lifetime. A true rags-to-riches Cinderella story, the Jenny knows she's only one lost-job away from homelessness so she's always busy working on her next gig, jet-setting around the world to chase potential leads. She's been hurt before by love-em-and-leave-em types (and that abusive-ex who nearly stalked her death...but girl can shoot!). A cheating ex-husband knocked her (and someone else) up, so the Jenny is a single mom...but she's a supa-hawt single mom!
Lots of men have made empty promises to the Jenny, promises that include everything from pink diamond rings to world tours, so when the Jenny is approached by someone new, she keeps him at arm's length until he can prove his worth. Fragile male egos get bristly when women don't automatically fall into their arms (or, for their charms), so the Jenny is often close to 50 before she finds her soulmate (and equal) in Mr. Right. However, there may be a few wildly attractive (and MUCH YOUNGER) Mr. Right Nows in between.
More power to you, sistah! Never settle for anything less than an A-Rod...
From Moonstruck (1987) to Mermaids (1990) to The Witches of Eastwick (1987), Cher's Native American roots made her one of the most stunning high-cheek boned goddesses in America with long, lean legs and an absolute glorious mane of silken dark hair. The Stuck On You (2003) star proved her self-deprecating chops by playing herself in the Farrelly Brothers comedy, allowing her rather infamous penchant for younger men to become the punchline when it's revealed that Cher's boyfriend is then-18-year-old, Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle).
A sucker for bad-boys, the Cher is a force-of-nature. She's mysterious, magical...and will never, ever text you back. When things are good, they're REALLY GOOD and when things are bad...TOTAL NIGHTMARE. The Cher would give even the Devil a run for his money. The Cher is a wild-child and will absolutely be in love with you one minute, and ghost you the next. You won't know whether you're coming or going. And, you'll love every minute of it. The more she abuses you, the more you fall for her.
The Cher is great in bed but she's not a giver--she just crazy after a few drinks. So crazy, you two might end up flying to Vegas and getting married! But don't worry, in 30 days, the Cher will be bored of domestic life (and you) and those quickie divorce papers will be in the mail before you know it.
Maggie Q is known for her physical skills and drop-dead good looks in such films as Mission Impossible III (2006), Live Free or Die Hard (2007) and Balls of Fury (2007). But the Hawaiian-born Nikita star with Vietnamese roots is more than just a pretty face. She's known for her work as an animal rights activist (and dog-lover)--which is why she became a vegetarian (like me!). Ms. Q also has street cred raising political awareness through the Center for Asian Americans United for Self Empowerment (CAUSE). Q has been working as an international model since she was 17. Her work on the Hong Kong circuit led to multiple movie roles, and that's when she got her first big break in an American blockbuster (Rush Hour 2) thanks to Jackie Chan, who was impressed by Q's mastery of martial arts.
Sidenote: I worked with Maggie Q during my comic con tour and she is the real deal! Total sweetheart. We're both long-time ethical vegetarians (and now, vegans) and I respect Ms. Q beyond belief. This category of a 21st century Wonder Woman is inspired by some of the roles Maggie has played over the years, not her actual person (though I do see her as a total Amazonian goddess).
The Maggie is the kind of girl who is a real go-getter. She'll have you up and out the door for a running session at 4:30am, juicing by 5:30am, walking the dog(s) by 6am, and on the road by 6:30am (to beat traffic). She works multiple jobs, volunteers, takes Krav Maga, speaks at least three languages, and can still can whip you up the best tasting BBQ tofu tacos you've ever had! A member of a 24/7 gym, the Maggie will goad you into watching your favorite guilty pleasure on the CW from the treadmill and later kick your ass at dead lifts and squats. A late walk with the dog(s) sees you both in bed before midnight.
The Maggie is disciplined and organized. There are no messy closets. She likes to keep things simple, even her beauty routine. No cosmetic-clutter for this clever girl, the Maggie owns minimal make-up, preferring her SPF in a tinted moisturizer so she can take care of three crucial skincare steps all at once (I do this, too...thank you, IT Cosmetics!). The Maggie is super-effective at life so isn't looking for foolish men who peacock or pander. She's focused and successful--you'd better be able to keep up, or you'll fall behind. And while the Maggie is a caring partner, she's not interested in carrying any dead weight.
Better twerk it up! Cuz the Maggie is one bad bitch....
Cut & Scene!
Welp, that's a wrap on our Hollywood-inspired categories for the gals. Stay tuned for more entertaining posts written JUST FOR YOU to help ease the pangs of the current pandemic.
Wait...did you say something? What category fits me best???
Good question! The answer is...none!
To be totally honest (and I am!), I'm a little of each. I feel like I'm 10-feet tall and don't need/want to cater to others, like THE QUEEN, but I'm also a can-do perky blonde who's both approachable and intimidating, and yes, I totally give off the I-Don't-Need-Anyone vibe via THE REESE. My childhood was humble, like JENNY FROM THE BLOCK, but it didn't stop me from achieving lofty goals. Various men (including Hollywood stars to Fortune 500 execs) have promised me the moon in the past yet still disappeared so I don't take anyone too seriously until they've proven their worth. But I can let loose and be a bit of a wild child in the right moment, similar to THE CHER, while also being extremely disciplined (a la THE MAGGIE).
At one point, I was biking 40 miles every single day and lifting four times a week while eating no more than 1,200 organic vegan calories between 4am and 4pm in a 24-hour period. Writing books and earning graduate and post-grad degrees take massive amounts of discipline, too, but when I'm in a hurry, I twirl about like the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny animated canon. Overall, my house is neat and clean. Beds are always made. Kitchen and bathrooms are in order. But I don't freak out about dirt or spills. And yeah, I can decorated a Christmas tree, wrap gifts and cook like Martha Stewart. But I've never worked with Snoop...just Wiz Khalifa, does that count???
If you think just one of those ladies would be a handful, you definitely don't have the fortitude for all five rolled into one hawt-toddy of a bawdy package, complete with D-cups, and a Doctorate for good measure.
Also, I don't just speak three languages--it's more like 10. Try to keep up....
Are you smiling yet??? Good! Keep smiling. Things are difficult right now, but stick to a daily routine if you can, stay physically active and connected to friends through social, and you'll get through just fine. If you find yourself struggling or dealing with any kind of anxiety/depression, please give one of my telesessions a try. I started my online practice a month before the lockdown, but I've been doing this same work for 20 years and can really help you...if you let me.
Stay safe, everyone!