How do I fill my lungs when there is no air? I cannot catch the wind. But I can hear it. Whispering. Telling me secrets. The trees lend their voices, lush with green tongues. Mine is pink. It longs to feel you tremble beneath it. Nimble fingers, caressing silken skin.

Do you remember? Perhaps the better question is, can you forget???
 
My mind will not let me. I'm a knower. Like Layla Miller. A mutant among a sea of humans. But I can swim. For hours. In the cold Cape Cod ocean. 

My once muted heart cries out. You hear it. As clearly as I do. The sound seeps, weeps into my voice. Into yours. Leaks out of our eyes. Salty drops of soul leave a watery trail on our cheeks. You made mine full. So often, the action is permanently etched in the folds of my skin. A road map to joy. And, pain.

I've never felt such pain. Not even with cancer. Elson Floyd agrees. He was a Darling 20 miles from here. He tells me there are no accidents. Like our shared connection. Not yours and mine. His. A farmer, 3,000 miles away. Husbandry of the Universe. 

Floyd was a Pisces, too. Born in a Leap Year. Like the movie. The next one is in nine months. What do you suppose will be born into the world this time around? A daughter? A son? Mine is always angry. Ghosts from our past. My phantoms are more literal than his though. We are like twin flames, the boy and I. Pure fire from the heavens. All of my children burn bright. Hunters, rams, lions...a holy trinity. Or, they will be. Like me. And, him. 

Jesus and the Cross haunt me. So does Dr. King. He gave me a message I cannot remember. It was a year ago. In Atlanta. After Maya Angelou died. After I cried. All day. For her. For you. You said you were sorry. But you never said it again. She smiles at me now, puts a dry wrinkled hand on my wet smooth cheek and says, "Oh my dear, he never will...."

The office chair. The one you shook. With me in it. Do you remember? I do. My hand on your chest, asking why. Your eyes full of sorrow. But not sorry. I was though. To see how she affected you. Even then. It was frightening. Still is.

I saw it last week. The chair. Went back to the beginning. Before the finality of our end. It is final, too. There is someone waiting. I thought you were him, the way you thought she was me. Eleven-point-six years after your first mistake, you made another. Abandoned a six-pointed star. There was one in the cosmos last week. Jupiter is in Leo on this run. But In eleven-point-six years, it returns. In Pisces. Will your Jupiter experience mirror mine? You will be exactly my age. And history repeats....

We are so foolish. Thee and me. Destined to circle each other. Endlessly. Mere inches apart but never closer. Like Zeno's paradox. Meg Ryan explained it to a tall mechanic. He reminded me of you. Their love was written in the stars. As was Jupiter's epic journey. Your ruling planet and mine. Eleven-point-six years apart. Exactly our distance, too. 

"It's really you," echoes in spacetime. 

I woke to your soul's even bluer eyes looking in mine. Months ago. His hand was on my belly. And just last week, he stood in front of me as I sat on the bed, my gaze drawn to the chair. That damned chair. Eighteen months ago. Eighteen means life. I caught you leaving. Were you leaving? You said you were getting a #Monster. I was stupid enough to think you meant the beverage.

I was stupid. But it will never be enough. I'll always want more. More air. To expand my lungs. To fill my chest. To create a breeze. For that swing you made me. The one in your workshop. I miss seeing you there. But I don't miss seeing the screaming man in the window. Or, the little drowned girl trying to hand you a button over and over again.

Life is...interesting. My former professor told me he wrote the word in the margins of essays when he wanted it to look as though he read them. I read you. Wrote you. Six months before I met you. That story ended badly, too. But I've learned. The players are interchangeable. 

What do you think?

People will think. In the pages of my books. Translated onto silver screens. Across the world. Dr. Angelou smiles that smile of hers. She whispers, "BAFTA." Britain loves me. I love him, too. My Ray of Sunshine. With the Victory of a Hugo. He is a ghost hunter, too. But not an invisible one, like you. He calls me "Gorgeous," and "Lovely," and nicknamed me, "Babes."

I am not quite happy. Not yet. But I will be. That's a promise. I made it to you. Like all the others, I will keep it. To myself. For myself. I will not stop this time. I will not stop.

I. Will. Not. Stop.

#Breathe

What does codependent mean exactly? I was talking to a friend the other day, and the term came up. I thought I understood what it meant. But I was wrong.

Often associated with substance abuse, the term extends to any abuse that causes two personality types to become codependent on one another in order to enable things like addiction, substance abuse, poor mental health, lack of hygiene, underachievement, immaturity, irresponsibility, and anti-social behaviors, like crime. 

Codependency is a sign of a highly dysfunctional “helping” relationship and is actually considered a psychological disorder by experts like Dr. Becky Whetstone. A healthy relationship is made through conscious choice but a codependent dysfunctional relationship is compulsive. In other words, a codependent is unable to realistically weigh the consequences of their actions and often sacrifice their own needs in order to enable or be enabled by their codependent partner-in-crime. There is no choice for the partner being “helped,” or the martyr/submissive personality in the codependency, outside of extreme self-sacrifice. It’s the only way to gain acceptance, approval and identity with the controlling, abusive partner.

A recent quote from Whetstone's Huffington Post blog dated June 19, 2015 describes codependency as "sentence(ing) ourselves to a lifetime of emotional prison, and we are our own jailers."

For Whetstone, codependency centers around shame developed during an individual's childhood. This creates a martyr personality typically associated with the submissive partner. Interestingly, the controlling, abusive partner's codependency likely derives from the same place of private fear; it just manifests differently for different people and can even flip-flop in new relationships. 

Psychologists describe the martyr personality involved in codependency as a person who feels over-responsibility, coinciding with Whetstone's ideas on the connections between codependents and shame. But responsibility for relationships with other people must be relative to responsibility for the self. Sacrificing your needs for others may seem noble, but healthy relationships do not require such extreme compromise. Only unhealthy ones do. In a healthy relationship, people are free to come and go as they choose. Compromise is made as a couple, consciously, and for a united purpose. No one partner is ever asked to completely sacrifice their professional, personal, social, emotional, physical, financial, and/or psychological health for the other. When that happens, codependency is inevitable. Because an imbalance occurs, leaving one partner vulnerable to the other.

True codependent relationships are earmarked by multiple issues including a controlling/abusive partner, a submissive/martyr partner, dysfunctional communication, dependency on substances like nicotine, a lack of boundaries, high reactivity, and intimacy problems. The controlling partner is always abusive, supporting or enabling the submissive partner’s addictions, poor mental health, irresponsibility, immaturity, and under-achievement.

Why would anyone prefer to enable rather than empower? 

Because the controlling, abusive partner depends on the submissive partner’s low-functioning in order to satisfy their own emotional needs. Basically, controlling individuals are insecure individuals. And though often unwitting, it’s not always the case, especially in romantic relationships.

The submissive partner allows the abuse to some degree because they are dependent on making extreme sacrifices in order to satisfy the needs of the controlling partner—it gives the martyr personality a sense of purpose now that the controlling partner prohibited the submissive partner’s growth or evolution, removing any chance of the submissive partner to find a purpose outside of the controlling one.

Why would someone let any other person—even a loved one—control their lives in such a detrimental way?

The answer typically lies in a person’s background or childhood, particularly if they grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic or addicted parent. Seeing codependency as a child, or having a codependent parent relationship, often manifests into that child growing up and choosing another abuser, or, finding someone else to abuse. It also pertains to abandonment issues. Whether the child was emotionally and/or physically abandoned, the deeply ingrained fear of being exposed to the violent world does not dismantle easily.

The controlling, abusive partner can be seen as a rescuer at first. Using a push-pull dynamic, the controlling partner then switches to being an emotional captor, requiring extreme sacrifice from the submissive partner based on some kind of threat—emotional, psychological or physical. The submissive partner often becomes accustomed to permanent victimhood and the total lack of self-responsibility therein. There is no way to get out of an abusive codependency as the submissive partner without completely breaking contact with the controlling partner.

When a pattern of codependency is allowed to continue and goes untreated, the submissive partner can sink lower in terms of their self-worth, jeopardizing their overall health through addictions, eating disorders, health-related paranoia, as well as other self-defeating, self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. A submissive codependent will also be more easily abused or taken advantage of by others outside of the codependent relationship, as well as avoid medical and dental care, make less money, develop phobias and anxiety disorders, become painfully shy, suffer from depression and/or PTSD, have panic attacks, and even choose to remain in stressful professional, financial and social situations.

You may recognize yourself and a familial or spousal relationship from what I describe above. If you do, don’t panic. Simply talk to your spouse or family member about your concerns. If it’s a healthy relationship, no one will get defensive. Your partner or family member will show genuine concern and will be supportive of your needs, even if you feel you must leave. However, if your spouse or family member becomes angry and/or reactionary, you may want to ask yourself if you see the following symptoms before seeking the help of a therapist:

1. Consistent over-responsibility for meeting others’ needs at the exclusion of your own
   
   
2. Unresolved anxiety surrounding intimacy and/or separation
   
   
3. A distortion of boundaries
   
   
4. Self-esteem anchored in controlling the self or others, despite negative consequences
   
   
5. Trouble avoiding enmeshment in relationships with people who have personality disorders, impulse disorders, are codependent, and/or chemically-dependent, including cigarettes
   
   
6. Have three or more of the following:
   
   

1. Depression
   
   
2. Compulsions
   
   
3. Anxiety
   
   
4. Substance abuse
   
   
5. Rely on denial or dissociation in excess
   
   
6. Constricting your emotions, with or without emotional outbursts
   
   
7. Have been a victim of recurrent physical or sexual abuse
   
   
8. Have been diagnosed with stress-related medical illnesses
   
   
9. Have suicidal thoughts or tendencies

Well, damn. Forget three! Call me, “Seven of Nine.”

Again, if you recognize yourself, like I just did, talk to the partner or family member you feel may also be affected. Most people who have lived 30 or more years will see at least some of these symptoms in themselves or their relationship. You may also have carried over codependent tendencies from your childhood that have little to do with your partner. Or vice versa.

Codependence can also happen with any imbalance—where a mother stops working to care for her children, for example. Or one partner leaves their job to pursue a new educational or career path. Remember the rules for a healthy relationship—it is never compulsive. You always feel like you have a choice, even if you have to compromise. And you should never be asked to compromise to the extent where you are sacrificing any part of your life for the sake of your partner.

In grown-up relationships, discussion replaces defensive arguments. And compromise on the part of one partner is acknowledged and appreciated by the other, creating a bond through loyalty and love, not emotional captivity. But no matter how your partner reacts, it is the individual’s responsibility to get well. No other person can “fix” you or “save” you or “rescue” you, but YOU. If you make efforts to break from codependent patterns and your partner or family member resists, you must take care of yourself, and leave. Perhaps your partner will have an awakening when you do. Regardless, no one deserves to stay in social prison for someone else's benefit. It's psychotic. And completely unnecessary.

Good luck navigating the complex waters in our shared sea of humanity. Kindness goes hand-in-hand with luck…and, being healthy:

In ourselves. In our relationships. In our life-choices.

The subject of the #soul has spawned debate since man became civilized. Most humans believe in something greater than themselves; it's called the "God Gene" a la Time magazine or as psychologist Carl Jung put it, the "collective unconscious." In essence, we are pre-programmed with symbols or "archetypes," that transcend space, time, geography, and theology. Whether in Celtic stone carvings, Egyptian papyrus, Chinese silk painting, Native American animal skins, or Paleolithic cave wall drawings in Spain, humans have been using the same symbols that mean relatively the same thing for millennia.

How is that possible?

Jung's theory is that human brains are programed, as it were, with certain symbols that help direct us toward the inevitable conclusion that we are not alone...that, there is something greater than us in the Universe. Where there is a watch, there is a watchmaker....

Interestingly, early man believed "God" to be a bull called "El." He sprang forth from a tree trunk in some myths. Water in others. Either way, it was an immaculate conception. The word "El" means "God" in Hebrew. Any name ending in it, like Michael, for example has to do with God. Michael is actually Hebrew for "angel of God." Gabriel, also Hebrew, is often translated as "messenger of God," though the literal translation is "man of God."

Conspiracy theorists and UFO-chasers say it was aliens, not God, who made man and animal alike. But however we creatures of Earth came into existence, we all have the same spark of life in us--also known as the #soul.

I've always wondered how anyone who believes in #souls living in the Western world where grocery stores abound, can then look at any other mammal or creature that is also alive, and kill it for food. True, we're born into an omnivore culture, but at some point, we do have choice. How does anyone have a beloved pet, treat it like family, yet go to a grocery store and buy a big hunk of lamb or veal? You're eating babies, first of all. Secondly, sheep have a memory of at least two years--longer than some humans I know who seem to forget promises made within two months! 

Where do you draw the line between furry, cute animals? How is your dog or cat any different from that baby cow or little lamb??? Because, if you believe your dog has a #soul, so does that lamb. So does that calf. God did not give #souls to some creatures and not others...that's a human trait.

So, we can safely assume that if we believe we have a #soul, so do at least our beloved furry family members, if not the whole animal kingdom. Maybe you're not comfortable with the word "soul." Perhaps you'd prefer "energy" or "light." Some consider the mind and #soul to be one and the same. Whatever you call it, if you believe you have it, you must also believe every other living thing has it as well.

From Proverbs, to Job, to Ecclesiastes, it's pretty clear that man and animal alike are equals in death, and what happens thereafter. In Hindu, the cow represents animals who give more than they take and are considered holy--something to be revered, not killed for food. The Qur'an suggests animals need to be treated with compassion and should never be abused. In fact, the rights of animals are very elaborate in Islamic Law. Buddhists do not sustain their lives on violence; animals are considered like man and treated with the same compassion. Yet, despite every major religion (finally!) agreeing on something, animal abuse flourishes around the world. And animals--even dogs--are used as a human food source. Hey, I liked steak as much as the next person, but when I realized what I was doing, I put down the steak knife and haven't picked it up again in 22 years. Probably part of why I've survived cancer for the last 25...just sayin'.

But, if you'd rather compartmentalize, have at it. Don't let me stop you. However, I will be calling out anyone who abuses dogs. Dogs, like the one pictured in the insert, are some of the most loyal "pets" on the planet. Because of their intense loyalty, they are more vulnerable to human-abuse. Sadly, I can relate....

Unlike cats, dogs completely rely on their humans to feed them, water them, let them out to go to the bathroom, clean them, groom them...and it's not just physical. Dogs get depressed when the humans they rely on neglect or abandon them. Dogs can understand up to 250 human words; they "talk" to us through their body language as their mouths do not work like ours, despite what Disney's Dog with a Blog--one of my favorites--would have you believe.

If that little black fur-ball in the picture could blog, what would he say about his humans? You see, because dogs cannot "speak" or write popular blogs, like this one, it's important for humans to not take advantage of that silence. When your dog pees on your purse, there's a reason. Dogs urinate as a method of communication. You can teach them through training--not abuse--that certain forms of communication are better than others. You don't have to be the Dog Whisperer to do it either. You just have to have compassion. And, be generous with those treats! If you can't be consistently generous or compassionate, you should not bring a dog into your world.

Ironically, the same rule applies to me as well....

Monthly heart-worm tablets are good examples of compassionate treats. Any dog bitten by a mosquito can be infected. Heart-worm tabs are cheap and easy to buy; they're made in delicious meaty flavors your dog will gobble down without a second thought. You give it to your dog once a month as a preventative. But if your dog already has heart-worm, the treatment consists of several injections that kill the heart-worms within months, not years. Even giving your dog the monthly preventative will kill any heart-worms in two years; there's no other oral medication. A little guy like our friend in the picture has an average lifespan of 12-15 years, much longer than larger breeds. Smaller breeds that are well-cared for, like our peekapoo pal, live longer than their average though--often 18-21 years. Left untreated, heart-worm is fatal. But it's so easy and inexpensive to prevent, that dogs generally don't die from something like heart-worm unless neglected. Or, abused.

So, do dogs have #souls? You betcha. And just like humans, those souls are connected to whatever it is that has created us all. I often say that dogs are better people than most people. Dogs can teach us so much. They're generous of spirit, have open minds, love to play, live for joy, and show affection and respect to those who deserve it. Their loyalty is unwavering; a dog would never abandon a true friend.

Hurting a dog is one of the worst crimes known to man--it's brutish. Because dogs cannot speak out or defend themselves, especially smaller breeds like the little man in my picture. Humans that do so are cruel and godless creatures; perhaps I have lived in the South too long to say it in such a way. Though my beliefs do not include Hell-fire, I dearly hope there is such a place for those who neglect, abuse or kill any animal--especially the loyal canine.

One of my favorite 19th century writers, Anatole France, said, "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

Perhaps, then, it is not the #soul of animals we should question. But that of any human who abuses a trusting nature--whether that nature belongs to a dog, or, a person....