There's something wrong...
With you
You're broken
So tried to break me, too
But Lions do not break 

You are not kind
You are not kind
You are not kind

And, I, I will not stand for it.

Disrespectful, disdainful, and worst of all, derivative
You lack imagination
And threw away a rare opportunity as a result
How do you suppose karma will reward you for that?
You hurt me...that only happens once

True love's arrow only strikes once, too
More's the shame...
For me. 
You, you seem happy
In defeat

Your early life hurt you
So you had to hurt me
For loving what you believe is unlovable
You think you only deserve momentary joy
Because the ones who hurt you before are still in control

That is why you are cruel
Cruelty begets cruelty
You told me once you were afraid of becoming a criminal
I'm here to ease your fear
For, you'd already stolen my heart

I understand there is no honour among thieves
But I am no thief--that's left to you
I am a King
Do you understand?
A King.

Bow.
For, you have been bested, Thief.
The illusion of choice is over
It was never yours
And forever and always mine

Now, we shall both be sad
That was not my choice
You were my choice
Alas, I was not yours
Instead, you chose nothing

So, nothing is who you've become.

For that, I am sorrier than I can say
You picked the wrong path
As you've done every time
You were supposed to repair that with me
And rise to the Emperor you once were

Before he died, my uncle whispered, "Life is long."
Too long for me, I think
Luckily, miracles cannot be sustained if no one believes in them
You were smug when humility was needed
Maybe in the next life...sadly, I will not be coming back to you again

Tigers like to roam alone anyway
Whilst lions prefer a Pride
At least we created a soul together
I will always treasure that moment
I will always treasure you

It is too bad you were unable to appreciate me
Or, anything else
You were in another dream last night
Asking what I "really" do
I prefer you happy to paranoid

In the dream, I could've joined you in bed
But turned away to continue my work
We had so much potential, you and I
I wish you'd been wiser
Kinder, too.

I wish for many things...most of all, for you.

#LeoSeason

What's in a name??? More than you might think! Let's take the name, "Jonathan," for example:

"Jonathan" comes from the Hebrew, "Yehonatan," which means "Gift of God" or "God's Gift,"...and I couldn't agree more.

Hebrew is an ancient language deeply rooted in its roots. The prefix in "Yehonatan" is a double "yud." The "yud" is a Hebrew letter that looks like a vertical dash, as if writing a lower case "l" from the top-down and stopping halfway. A double-yud, then, looks like a mini "11." Yud makes the "y" sound, and doubled, makes that sound twice.

Hebrew vowels are called "nikkudote," a series of dots and lines that provide the additional sound (and therefore, meaning) to a given letter. When you combine the "nikkudote" or vowels with the double-yud, it becomes the ultimate  sacred name of God (which is why I can't share the specific vowel sounds here--you'd have to learn Hebrew yourself, earn the right to know those sacred syllables).

"Jonathan" begins it's life from the Divine. From divinity comes grace. From grace, miracles. And from miracles, life itself. That is "Jonathan"--divine grace, miracles and life. 

"Yud" represents the number "10." In Hebrew, each letter in the "aleph-bet" (or alphabet) also has a numerical value. The number "10" represents the cosmos--creation--in Numerology. Two "yuds" equal a #1010 (which can then be simplified to "11"--the number of awakening, enlightenment and unconditional love). Interestingly, my birth date becomes a #1010. I was also born on the day the Jewish people expected the Messiah to be reborn...luckily, they were looking for a man. 

The root of "Jonathan" or "Yehonatan" is "natan"--Hebrew for "give" or "gift." When you put the double-yud at the beginning of "Yehonatan" (or "Jonathan") with the root "natan," you get "Gift of God" or "God's Gift." 

So, "Jonathan" begins with the power of infinity--all the light and energy of the Universe--the very power behind creation itself, then, this holy trinity of syllabic sovereignty ends with the gift of giving. It's a truly beautiful name for beautiful souls....

There is also another way to look at the name, "Jonathan":

The Hebrew word, "Yonah" (which you can hear in the beginning of the name, "J(Y)ona-than"), means "dove." The dove is a symbol of God, more specifically, a symbol of God's promise of peace. A dove brought an olive ranch to Noah after the great flood to let him know that the storm had passed and life on Earth was renewed. The suffix "taan" means "to pierce" or "thrust through" in one spelling; but it also means "to give."

We often don't think of "peace" as something that "pierces" or "thrusts" through anything, but that's because piercing and thrusting are often associated with violence. However, what if we saw piercing and thrusting through the eyes of love? When a man is attracted to a woman--has romantic feelings for her (or chemistry, if you will)--he pierces her, thrusting deep inside her body. It is the same for men who have love-feelings for other men.

And, what do we all feel after we've come into physical union with someone we're attracted to?

We feel satisfied. Happy. And yes, we also feel a sense of peace.

During sex, our spirits become uplifted. When physically expressing appreciation for someone I'm very attracted to, the visual in my mind is of winged-angels, intertwined, rising higher and higher toward the heavens as we move closer and closer to climax. It's representative of transmutation. Awakening, Enlightenment. A raw, vital evolution of the soul. Good sex with an attractive partner can do that. Bring positive change, inside and out.

In Tantric tradition, the electric feeling we get before, during and after sex with an attractive partner is considered a release of our "kundalini." The word "kundalini" is Sanskrit for the divine energy (or "shakti") "coiled" at the base of the spine, connected to the power of the "devi" or "goddess." Joining with the "goddess" releases "shakti" or the dynamic (and primordial) cosmic energy responsible for overwhelming joy.

In some forms of Tantra, we can reach "kundalini" through sex with a partner that we have a deep connection to--when our kundalini "rises" during sex, it's like the fabled phoenix of mythology, rising up from nothing (or ash) into an intense winged firebird. You are transported, transcending physical bonds as your mind, body and spirit reach another plane. When you get to this level with a partner, no matter how many physical miles separate you thereafter, you remain connected. To some degree, you can "see" them," even "hear" them. And yes, you can "feel" that person, too. 

Some may dismiss "kundalini" as "new age," but that means dismissing nearly 15,000 years of human history, literature, art, music, and cultural beliefs. In fact, the oldest evidence of writing in the known world comes from the Upanishads--that's where the concepts of Tantra and kundalini come from. Exploring the release of shakti through Tantric sex is part of Advaita Vedanta--the oldest philosophy on the planet. Older than the Hebrew god and the Hebrew language, which traces its collective history back 6,000 years. The Upanishads are Vedanta and Vedanta, the Upanishads. Both are older than any other mode of human thought--far more ancient than the "ancient" Greeks or even the Egyptian gods and goddesses. That means the concepts of kundalini, shakti and Tantra are also older than anything else known to mankind. That makes it hard to dismiss out of hand. And then, there is the physical evidence....

When I think of all the ancient roots deep within the name "Jonathan," I can't help but think of peace, of doves, of the great flood representing rebirth, renewal and all the wonders of the cosmos--creation itself. And yes, I also think of sex. But not just any sex. The kind of sex that can deliver you from difficulty, raise you up, give you peace and joy. Something that is gentle, loving, respectful, but also, super-charged with divine chemistry. The kind that is unforgettable. Not because it leaves you bruised or bleeding or broken. Unforgettable because, for more than five hours, green eyes looked into yours without staring at your D-cups--not even once. Unforgettable because of an unforgettable smile in appreciation of your ramblings on medicine and science--no one else ever smiled at you like that before, for any reason. Unforgettable because, for maybe the first time ever, you had a really engaging conversation with someone who was (finally!) your equal. And, despite your incredible awkwardness, the flawless angel you were with is completely unforgettable because he somehow made you lighter, full of life, love, hope, and healing (regardless of how sad, frustrating, traumatic, and disappointing your life was before that moment).

I mean, that's just awesome. In the truest sense of the word "awesome."

Yes, "Jonathan" is an unforgettable gift full of unforgettable gifts. "Jonathan" plants seeds of knowledge. Over time, those seeds grow into a tree. Not just a tree of knowledge, but a tree of life. 

"Etz chayim" means "tree of life" in Hebrew. In Kabbalah, or Jewish metaphysics, the different levels of Heaven are represented by the tree of life, where there are four worlds or dimensions. The "ohr" or "light"--all the divine energy in the Universe--comes from "atzilut." or the state of infinity where infinite divine energy and light exist. "Atzilut" is the fourth dimension (btw, Tesla's fascination with 3-6-9 was because he believed that numerical combination was the key to the fourth dimension). The number "4" represents Archangels in Numerology for this reason--anything connected to infinite energy is represented by a "4." Those born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, or 31st all have the same soul number--"4." These individuals are each connected to infinite energy (and by extension, each other), which is part of the "twin flame" narrative.

The number "4" is simplified to #1111--the number that represents twin flames. Anyone with a "4" soul number is considered a "twin flame" and is also connected to not just infinity and infinite energy, but the second ("2" simplifies to "11") dimension known as "beriah" (or "creation" in Hebrew). "Beriah" is the beginning of consciousness outside of infinity, which is why angels are often the beings thought of as answering prayers or hearing prayers. Infinity is infinite and not engaged or aware of anything outside of that space. But infinite energy with consciousness (or an angel) is aware of other kinds of consciousness, so can be connected to the infinite while also acutely aware of life outside of infinity. And, by the way, humans can do that, too.

So, what's in a name? You tell me....

"Jonathan" is not just a "Jon" or a "Jay" or a "Johnnie." Nor is "Jonathan" merely a "Nate" or "Nathan" or "Nady." "Jonathan" is the real deal. A true blessing. That rare gift you never see coming and may even discount on some level as "unavailable" or "too good to be true" or whatever other excuse or justification you come up with to walk away from what you really don't want to walk away from. That's what "Jonathan" means...and, so much more.

I have great affection for "Jonathan." Wherever you are in the world, never forget how special you (and your name!) are. And, never, ever forget that you are beloved. Not just by me--but by the Universe itself! 

#Jonathan

​

Post-script. This is a repost in honour of the birthday of the one who inspired me to write this:
​
​Happy Birthday, Jonathan--wherever you are, may you have peace, light and love...every time I see a rainbow, I will smile, thinking of yours. 

When we are looking for love--especially during a pandemic--we may be tempted to explore options that we might not have considered before. Not only is there an issue with meeting people in public spaces, we are also all feeling the gravity of the uncertainty around us. That uncertainty creates a sense of vulnerability. And, when we feel vulnerable, we don't make good choices. 

Meeting people online is tough. You don't really know the person you're talking to but it can feel like you do--and that's misleading. Those who claim to be "open books" can hide important details about their lives--like abusive relationships. You may spend a number of weeks talking to someone through social media or other online forums without even realizing the inherent danger. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is part of the Dark Triad in Psychology. An over-developed sense of revenge related to extreme entitlement is part of that pathology. Narcissists "mirror" people--if you are calm and rational, that's what a narcissist will reflect. Until they're triggered. And when that "calm" mask falls away, you will not even recognise the person you once thought you could see yourself going on a date with in the future. It feels jarring and surreal at first--you may even forgive such a moment as part of a "bad day." But you should never feel fear from any potential partner. The moment you do, you need to carefully consider what the root of such behaviours may be.

Narcissists will use things like name-calling to bait you or draw you into an argument or discussion. This is to distract you, throw you off course. Getting you upset is the goal. If you lose your temper, your narcissist has won. That's part of why you cannot have a real conversation with a narcissist. When you try, they get defensive, calling you "negative" or implying you're a "problem." But having an equitable conversation should never illicit that kind of response. When someone gets defensive for no apparent reason, insecurity is behind it. You will have to play submissive or the narcissist will threaten your peace of mind in some way. The narcissist thrives by playing the victim--so even if a past relationship has been over for five or more years, the narcissist will still use it as an excuse to project negatives onto the next person they ensnare in an effort to obtain "supply."

Narcissists are similar to addicts, always looking for more supply at any cost. Like energy vampires, a narcissist feeds off of a person's slow destruction, offering "helping" relationships that inevitably create a codependency. Vertical partnerships are the hallmark of any involvement with a narcissist. Educated, employed, confident, attractive people end up unemployed, unhealthy, insecure, and without resources--except for the narcissist. When you first meet a narcissist, they typically want to speed things up in the relationship. While this feels really good at first, people who are serious about you will not rush you into anything. Even if you have to back off to consider the situation, a person who really wants a relationship with you will give you time. You can't decide on a lifetime in a few days or weeks. No one should put you in a position where you have to make that choice. 

One of the biggest red flags to help you identify a narcissist is how they describe other partners. Narcissists will never take responsibility for their part in a failed relationship. Where two people are involved, dual accountability is unavoidable. These unbalanced views often include spreading rumors about their former partners(s), which also means name-calling. If you're a woman in a heterosexual relationship, any man who calls former partners "whore," "slut," "gold-digger," or any number of derogatory phrases, will certainly call you those same things (or worse) if things don't work out. Because, of course, a narcissist will never hold himself accountable. It's always someone else's fault.

Abusive behaviour isn't really abusive to a narcissist--it's "justice" for some imagined wrong-doing.

A narcissist may do things to appear fair, even-minded or magnanimous--but it's always a trap. If you're smart enough to avoid that trap, the narcissist will find a way to issue an indirect threat. Passive-aggressive behaviour is part of a manipulative ploy; if you don't respond, a narcissist may amp up the message through more overt aggression. This may include the silent treatment, where you are held emotional hostage until you begin to orbit the attention-seeking narcissist. It can also include "accidental" harm to you or something you care about--like a favorite article of clothing, family heirlooms and photos, or even a beloved pet. Narcissists also attempt to isolate you from friends and family by eating away at your reputation, making you seem "crazy" or "unstable," often outright lying about you in order to destroy your relationships with others. 

You can't reason with narcissists. One minute, they'll beg you to stay--the next, they'll threaten to end things. The push-pull is meant to weaken your resolve. Psychologically, your self-esteem and confidence begins to suffer. You can tell a narcissist that you've had unspeakable trauma and they'll manage to turn it into a pity party for themselves. Or, you can share good news with them about your life and they'll either brush it off or ignore it completely. Those types of mind games eat away at your identity. After only a few weeks, you'll start to feel the emotional toxicity. If you attempt to talk about how you feel, the narcissist, like every abuser, will call you "overly-sensitive" in an attempt to shame you into compliance. Even if you try to get away, their abuse is so insidious that you may actually end up going back. And then, there's the fact that we're in a pandemic. Vulnerable, lonely people are vulnerable and lonely. Even a person who was psychologically abusive might start to look better than no one at all. But that's never the case. It's far better to be alone than to sabotage your entire being for a social destroyer. 

Relationships with narcissists are no-win situations. The best thing you can do is go no-contact. 

If you're in a marriage or live-in relationship with a narcissist, talk to family and friends and create an exit strategy that keeps you safe. Living with friends and family is a temporary fix for adults over 30. Before leaving, try to secure funds to live on and obtain stable employment. Your narcissist will drag out any financial settlement that may be due for years at a time, perhaps even prohibiting you from taking personal items and beloved pets. You have to be prepared to walk away with just your life. If you wait for change, it will never come and you will slowly erode over time, becoming less and less able and/or willing to function on your own. 

Don't put yourself in a position where you have to survive both a narcissist and a pandemic. Real love with a decent human being is both possible and probable. You just have to have the confidence and patience to wait for it.

And, in case you need a reminder, you are worth the wait....

An ocean apart
But your song stole my heart
A year ago, you were a stranger--a passerby
Yet, even still, you caught my eye
I wonder what could have been
When it comes to love, I never seem to win

​*never seem to win*

He said, "I just want you to know every day,
That you're so beautiful, (so beautiful) in so many ways."
(so many ways)

I wish I answered your call
But I was crying, curled up in a ball:
"Let me tell you how it's supposed to be
You, right here, next to me,"
Two hearts beating as one
Being together, having fun

He said, "I just want you to know every day,
That you're so beautiful, (so beautiful) in so many ways."
(so many ways)

Walk me home, baby, walk me home
You're my home, baby, please come home
Walk, walk me home, baby, walk me home
You're my home, baby, please come home

When summer turned to the sea
You found your way to me
You, naked in the chair
Me on the bed, twirling my hair
All you wore was your guitar
Shining at me like a Star 

He said, "I just want you to know every day,
That you're so beautiful (so beautiful) in so many ways."
(so many ways)

An ocean apart
But your song stole my heart
A year ago you were just a stranger--a passerby
Today you know you'll always catch my eye
I don't have to wonder what could have been
Thanks to you, my love, I know I can win

*I think I can win*

He said, "I just want you to know every day (every day),
That you're so beautiful (so beautiful) in so many ways."
(so many ways)

​Walk me home, baby, walk me home
You're my home, baby, please come home
Walk, walk me home, baby, walk me home
You're my home, baby, please come home

He said, "I just want you to know every day (every day),
That you're so beautiful (so beautiful) in so many ways."
(so beautiful, so, so beautiful in so many ways)

So many ways....

Water conducts emotion
It conducts me, too...

Locals on Cape Cod call me "Selkie"
Or, "The Mermaid Queen"
Such is my reputation for swimming with Seals
Dolphins
And, Mink Whales
Sharks, too, of course

Fishermen issue warnings as I flow by with the waves,
"You've crossed into the Great White's territory now...better head back to shore!"
But I don't turn back
Not until I sense the shark nearby
Even then, I wait
Just to make sure it's not fear ruling my heart

How one behaves in water shows character
Timidity keeps people on shore
Or, wading in the shallows
It is only those with integrity that cross the sand bar
Braving wet lashes across your cheeks and nose
To seek out life beyond the hook

My feet ache to become fins 
But I am grounded
Grounded by human life
The sea told me last summer to stay
To remain in her embrace
Where it's safe...safe to be me

Safe to love and live and hunt
Most of the time...
Humans mucked that up, too
They long to escape their gravity
But lack wings
So take out their frustration on Nature

Human nature is to sabotage
The Self
And everyone else
At any cost
Even love
For, there is no cost too high to salve man's ego

As the cottonwood begins to fly
I inevitably start to cry
With a red-rimmed, watery eye
That's my call to go home
My heart ceased to roam
The moment I understood the "Om"

Divine timing calls
Asking me to tear down walls
Repairing the damage from past falls
"Believe," She says, "the future will be bright,
Love isn't always a blight
When real, it's more miracle wrapped in light."

But what of money?
What of distance?
Jobs?
Family?
Friends?
All good questions, just not the right ones... 

I've had money
I've had distance
I've had jobs
Family and friends
But love is the missing piece
The fold that makes the crease

Everything is simpler in the sea
Land brings nothing but confusion, illusion
Things that appear clear are murky
While still water runs deep
That's when things got steep
And why I, I continue to weep.

For, I am water enrobed in flame 
Bound to leak, more's the shame....