Category: #MentalHealth

LOOK UP

2/15/2022

If you have to explain to another adult why their narcissistic behaviour is, well, narcissistic, you need to stop going low in your relationships and LOOK UP.

The way you feel about yourself is reflected back to you...most of the time. If you're a stable individual, you deserve someone who respects you and your time. But instead of respect, you're getting breadcrumbed. Text messages, but no actual phone calls? How about when the other person claims to think of you all the time, yet doesn't show up for your date? And, instead of rescheduling, continues to avoid responsibility by ghosting you for three days to three weeks at a time???

Talk about red flags....

"But we have a connection!"

No, babe, you don't. You WANT a connection. The other person clearly doesn't. What they want is attention. So they're stringing you along in an attempt to control you. You're their puppet. If they ever decide to change the texts to calls and to actually show up for your dates, there will be no happy ending for you. Only an ending.

The solution?

Cut the cord and move on.

If you're not married or living together, count your blessings.

Feeling a "connection" usually goes both ways but we're not all connected to our inner selves. ANYONE who breadcrumbs you is LYING to themselves about how they really feel. They're probably lying to you, too.

The way they're treating you? It's what they think they deserve.

You're shooting too low if you are a secure, stable adult yet have some joker standing you up, texting you on social media and all while avoiding your calls. You might buy the excuses...for a little while. You're not dumb if you do. In fact, you're probably straight forward, truthful and approach people in an open, friendly manner. That's not a bad thing. But it can (temporarily) leave you feeling *a tad* vulnerable.

Give it no more than 30 days. If you haven't gone out by then, you won't be. That said, you may WANT the connection to stick around. Time is the one resource we cannot get back--how much do you have to waste on a dead end? Six months? Eight months?? A year??? Don't let an insecure person squander your very precious resources. Because, that will be the (sad) result until you end it once and for all.

Don't look back once you've let go...instead, LOOK UP!

You deserve a person who appreciates you and ALL you bring to the table. An individual who really wants you will not only say they want to see you, they'll book that vacation! They'll call you, too. They'll show up for your video dates and will not keep you guessing. They won't try to manipulate you. They'll get the STI testing. They'll get vaccinated, too. And, they'll pay for the Lift at the end of the night...as well as dinner. Yes, yes they will.

If you're not getting treated well (see above), be done. Don't vacillate. You're self-sabotaging if you do.

Are you FINALLY ready to start LOOKING UP???

I hope so. It's 2022! Time to build your foundation for the life you not only want but DESERVE.

1 Comment

Tips from the Coach for Valentine's Day

2/13/2022

1 Comment

Unsure about someone else’s feelings? You may be insecure.

That insecurity has probably led you to a place where you might feel it necessary to have multiple irons in the proverbial fire—when you're always juggling, you're perpetually conflicted (aka “insecure”). Even if you're just conflicted on the inside--or pulled in multiple directions within your own heart and mind--your insecurity is creating that conflict (as well as the anxiety that goes along with it).

Indecision (or uncertainty) comes from fear. Keeping yourself in that space is allowing a past trauma, event and/or abuser to control you, your thoughts, your feelings, and consequently, your actions.

Staying present is the solution. That's how we deepen our sense of compassion.

Insecurity is self sabotage. You don’t want real happiness, real love and real peace when you not only put yourself in the middle of conflict, but KEEP yourself there.

Beware of those who claim to want peace yet always choose war….

If you’re unhappy in a relationship, leave. If you can’t leave for financial reasons, choose peace while you build a stronger financial foundation. You do not have to compromise yourself in the interim. The chances are high that you are financially vulnerable when your partner isn't because they have financially abused you. You do not owe a person who hurt you in that way anything. They do owe you—but it’s unlikely they will recognize that. However, they might…if you ask them to.

Sometimes, all it takes to get the justice we deserve is to simply ask for it. Partners behaving in abusive ways may not even realize they are doing what they’re doing thanks to familial and cultural social psychologies that normalize the abuse and neglect of a partner—or in the case of siblings or friends, someone who is an “outsider” or “other.”

But what about when a new or potential partner “blocks” you?

First, ask yourself why the disconnect happened. Bet you already have a clue or two. After you’ve examined your own behaviour in the situation, if you still feel strongly about the connection, find a way to extend an olive branch—perhaps through email or something like LinkedIn. They don’t have to answer you and you don’t appear creepy or stalker-ish (like you would by Google-searching until you found their personal blog…eek).

“We’re not connected on LinkedIn and I don’t have the ability to send InMails to people I’m not already connected to?”

Buy the ability. Put your money where your mouth is. If the connection is strong, respect boundaries and time and personal space. It’s worth the $60 for a month or so. You may not get an answer, but you’ve probably spent more money on less valuable efforts in the past. Use the opportunity of the upgrade to your advantage professionally. You never know—you might find another income stream, or may even level-up with a totally new job opportunity AND reconnect with a person you see a future with. That said, when you do get your positive response, don’t screw it up by coming in hot, then fading to luke-warm.

Treating people like an option is not an option when you’re looking for a second chance. Words are easy. Cheap. If you’re really interested in more than attention (or narcissistic supply), then you will ask the person out after reconnecting. Or, they may suggest a meet up for something like lunch or coffee/tea. This is a crucial moment if you want this person to actually be in your future. So, you’ll need to show up. It’s a second chance—you won’t get a third.

At least, you shouldn’t….

Maybe things started off flirty (and dirty!), but these connections need to evolve from there or one of the individuals involved is a narcissist looking for supply and absolutely nothing else. They find people who are less work (ie more vulnerable) to have sex with. They’ll end up partnering with them, too, if someone gets pregnant or loses a job. Or, maybe when a pandemic hits….

If YOU remain in an insecure/conflicted space when approaching ANY romantic situation, it’s inevitable that you will eventually be blocked in some form or other. A secure adult will see your failings and will not want to be involved with an individual who is unable to make a decision or show up in a mature, stable energy.

Stability equals consistency. Consistency equals trust. If you are inconsistent, you are not stable. If you are unstable, it is because you are insecure. Insecure people are consistent in only one respect: Their lives are ALWAYS in conflict and/or in the rare moments that’s not true, they are conflicted within themselves.

How can you expect anyone else to trust you when you do not trust yourself?

Indecision is a common trait of an insecure adult. You can lift 350lbs on the regular to appear strong, but if you cannot back up your words with even the most basic of actions, you’re physical strength is only there to cover up emotional weakness.

Let that sink in for a moment…

Physically attractive folks may tend to rely on their physicality a little too much, but it only goes so far. If you have nothing behind the pretty face, pecks, or abs, then you will not get more than limited attention from stable, secure adults. If you DO get more than that from others, it’s very likely that those individuals are also insecure on some level and whatever relationship that develops between you will lead to inevitable failure.

Ouch. The truth hurts. So do insecure people. Stay away from them at all costs.

Attention seekers thrive on drama. The number one “secret” to being a secure adult?

Prioritize peace.

And yes, it really is that simple.

Judgement brings conflict. Compassion brings peace.

It’s your call, whatever you choose. Working on your self-compassion by staying present will help you to stop feeling judged (insecure) and that will in turn aid in preventing you from projecting your insecurities onto others.

Liberate yourself from unnecessary negative emotions like jealousy and envy by building up your compassion.

You’ll find that your relationships will improve across the board when you do. So will your job. And, your finances.

Are you ready to LEVEL UP in love and life in 2022???

Schedule a session and let me help you take the first step on your road to happiness, love, success, and abundance. Email below to get on the schedule for March:

[email protected]
or
[email protected]

I believe in you...but you have to believe in you, too, in order to make permanent, positive change. Until next time!

1 Comment

The Power of Meditation

1/31/2022

2 Comments

Meditation can do more than increase mindfulness. Study results from researchers at University of California, San Diego have shown measurable improvement in depression, anxiety, heart rate, and blood pressure when combined with sound therapy from singing bowls (link at the bottom of this page).

Yes, it's true. Stoics Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius were right:

You can control your own thoughts. It is not easy, but the possible becomes probable when we apply hard work through practice. Consistency wins again!

The best part about practicing mindfulness through meditation? The more you do it, the better you feel...and that's no joke during a global pandemic.

In fact, a recent genomic study that came out just last month from the combined efforts of medical researchers in Florida, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, and Massachusetts showed a "robust activation" of the immune system in those with poor immunity (from COVID and/or MS) after meditation--I'll include that link below as well. Unlike other studies on meditation, this one was not just qualitative, but quantitative, using advanced bioinformatics to track immune signaling pathways.

If you're new to the idea of meditation, you really ought to give it a try. As evidence continues to pile up, it begins to take the shape of self-sabotaging behaviour when we decide not to take 5-10 minutes of our day to meditate. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking that time and using it to give ourselves what appears to be a significant health advantage.

Meditation is part of what I do in my practice. Providing audio files to help clients continue the work between sessions are just some of the tools I provide to help strengthen their mind (and body, as it turns out!). The results in the last two years alone have been incredible--the numbers show big wins over nearly impossible odds from both physical and psychological obstacles. That said, I can't control what people do outside of a given session, but when people do the work, there's a 100% success rate. In order for the "magic" to happen, consistency is imperative. Just like when strength-training the body, one must physically move every single day for about three months while also being mindful of other health habits to finally see visible results. But after just a week of working out, you feel better--mindfulness through meditation requires the same level of consistent effort if you want to create a stronger, healthier mind. It's true in relationships as well, by the way: Anytime a relationship is "failing," inconsistency (in one form or another) is at the crux of the issue.

Turns out being consistent can not only save your mental health, but may actually save your life, too. If you want to help yourself get and stay healthy (and maybe help your relationships get healthier, too), follow the links below to purchase your choice of meditation products. Yes, there's an app for that but it is doubtful your app can provide you with the same experience--you get what you pay for, after all. My meditations strategically use sound therapy from a variety of hand-hewn singing bowls from artisans in Tibet and Nepal. Singing bowls provide sound therapy that corresponds to 40 different acupuncture points on the body--minus the needles! As a result, my meditations have helped folks kick bad habits, stay healthy, build confidence, improve relationships, make more money, and live all-around better lives.

You can be one of those success stories in 2022. As I have said for many, many years now right here on this blog--I believe in you, but you must believe in you, too.

If you don't take a chance on yourself, things will not change and everything you say you want is not desired more than the negative reward of remaining a victim in your own story. In case you were wondering, that's part of covert narcissism. The only cure for keeping yourself at the bottom of every relationship you have (including your relationship with yourself!) is increasing your self-awareness. Meditation can help you there, and so much more!

Click the links below to get started on your meditation journey TODAY:

Customized Recorded Meditations

Three Months of New Meditations

Add-on Meditation (for purchase with a General Session--please email me directly to make an appointment)

Interested in taking meditation a little further? Try hypno sessions!

Initial Hypno Session: Heal the Mind, Heal the Body

I'm also offering a more targeted, integrative approach in a 6-week program that uses meditation, mini hypno sessions and the Ayurvedic practice of utilizing "food as medicine" to improve overall health and wellness:

Integrative Health & Wellness Six-Week Package

I know things are tough at this point in the pandemic. But there are ways of healing the trauma and staying healthy that can help you move your life forward, no matter what.

Sending positive energy to one and all--until next time, dear readers!

2021 Study on Meditation and Immunity:

www.pnas.org/content/118/51/e2110455118

2017 Study on Health Benefits of Meditation Combined with Sound Therapy:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5871151/

To make an appointment, please email me directly: [email protected]

2 Comments

Thoughts on the New Year Ahead

1/8/2022

0 Comments

We're still in the midst of the pandemic and it's 2022. New vaccines are on the horizon from Canada and the States; we'll see Canada's plant-based vax in the next year and the new one in development in the States supposedly covers all the variants to date. We also have therapeutics like "the COVID pill," newly approved by the FDA last month (though not for sale in every state just yet). Then, there's the extremely effective IV-based treatment, Regeneron.

Despite the voracity of new variants like Omicron, we have gotten smarter about masking and maintaining social distance--although I still see friends posting things like club pics and concerts on social media. "Together even when apart" seems to have gone by the wayside but self-righteousness is at an all-time high. And I include myself there. True, Omicron's symptoms appear less lethal so far, but it looks to be 100% transmissible (regardless of vax status) based on the Hong Kong Quarantine Study (available on the CDC's website)--as opposed to Delta, which study results showed had only a 25% transmission rate with vaccination and 38% without.

Much better odds, wouldn't you agree? Ah, the good old days....

The one thing that hasn't changed in the last 22 months is that AVAILABLE VACCINES STILL DO NOT PROVIDE STERILE IMMUNITY. And yes, you may consider that yelling....

So, while I spent more than a decade helping my beloved readers navigate self-sabotage, relationships, life, and love, it now appears that we have to go back a decade or so and focus on survival. Again.

My column for Psychology Today, "Survive Anything," took a hiatus in the last year so I could focus on my clients. But you will see new writing every month here among other places, along with a new podcast I've been invited to do at a studio based in Atlanta. Whether or not I ever make it to the studio wholly depends on how things go as we continue to push through the seemingly never-ending obstacles with hope in our hearts that we can use the word "endemic" in the near future.

Meanwhile, here we are. Stuck. Sad. Frustrated. Angry. Yet grateful to be here. That sense of gratitude is important to hold on to. Without gratitude, we lose our sense of purpose. It's only then that we risk losing ourselves.

I know it's tempting to lash out at people. To isolate yourself. Maybe isolate others, too. But we can and will rise above what is a temporary situation. No, COVID-19 is not temporary. But we are making headway in our fight for normalcy. Humanity has prevailed in the past and will again. True, narcissism has increased along with our exposure to technology. But as the Stoics remind us, we control our thoughts and emotions. That means we have the ultimate power in how we make it through however long it takes to get the other side of this pandemic.

When you're tempted to let jealousy or envy rear its ugly head, take two deep breaths--breathing in through your nose then out through your mouth. Try to stay present by asking yourself what you can see with your eyes, hear with your ears, smell with your nose, taste with your mouth, and of course, touch. Keeping something like a smooth stone, glass marble, or piece of satin in your pocket may help serve as a reminder to stay present.

If you want to work on things like your confidence and/or developing more of an abundance mindset, you can call my office (978) 307-8221 or email [email protected]; I am accepting new clients this month in honour of the new year but slots are always limited. New pricing is going into effect on January 15th, so you may want to secure a few sessions online now.

Otherwise, work on your mindfulness through meditation. Keep visualizing the life you want. Don't let people's negativity affect you or stunt your progress. One day, you will wake up and though COVID will still be here, life will feel "normal" again. That's why we must all stay our course and keep moving forward, no matter what.

When people around you can't seem to get out of their own way, move on by moving yourself forward. As my grandmother used to say, "Always keep the door open for friendship--even if it's just a crack." We're all suffering. So don't take social resistance personally. Hold your head high. Find a cause. Help yourself and others. And things will eventually find a natural balance.

Get out in nature as much as possible. Keep eating anti-inflammatories and drink your Kava tea! Fennel tea is very good for mood. Kava works for just about everything else. And, of course, green tea with raw honey, fresh ginger shavings and a slice of lemon is always a good idea. As are berries, dark leafy greens, lentils, cinnamon, and a plant-based, gluten free diet. Talk to your doctor about any health or lifestyle changes and please, please, please be honest about ANY substance use.

I'll leave you with a few affirmations to repeat to yourself throughout the day as you move through the new year--it will help you stay mindful and begin to reprogram negative self-talk that keeps us in a stuck-cycle. Changing your life is really as simple as changing your mind set. I believe in you--but you have to believe in you, too.

2022 Affirmations:

1. Positive energy surrounds me at all times.
2. Compassion for myself and others is the basis of self-love.
3. I am worthy of consistency in all my relationships.
4. Unconditional love of the self is a gift no one can limit, abuse, or take away.
5. I will honour myself and those I love by making daily efforts to move my life forward.
6. Mindfulness is my mantra.

Until next time, dearest readers....

0 Comments

Dear Players: Put A Ring On It. Signed, The Coach

8/25/2021

0 Comments

In all relationships, there is ONE GOLDEN RULE to building trust:

CONSISTENCY.

Trust is necessary for creating a foundation for the long-term. If you find that your partner is not creating a safe space for you to be you, it's time to pull the proverbial plug.

Men (and/or women) who do not communicate with consistency DO NOT VALUE YOU.

Yes, it's that simple. If one party is available and opens the door for communication, it's up to the other person to at least match that energy. But we who are givers tend to let emotions get in the way, excusing folks who are neither eager to communicate nor grateful that you have opened the door for them to do so.

When you open yourself up to the possibility of love, you are making yourself vulnerable. A romantic partner with good intentions also expresses CLEAR INTENTIONS. There are no vagaries. No deflection. There's no gaslighting. No baiting. No negging. No manipulation. And, no BS. "I love you," comes easily, naturally, and sounds authentic because it actually is authentic.

THE ONLY way to get rid of the toxic people who haplessly wander into your life is to CUT THEM OUT. No, it is not harsh. You have every right to protect yourself, your energy, your time, your sense of balance, and all of your many other resources, including your capacity to love.

If you are dealing with a love-coward, or someone who sabotaged an otherwise solid connection out of total and complete fear, DO NOT LET THAT PERSON BACK IN TO YOUR LIFE.

Unless you are married and have financial and/or familial obligations together, there's ZERO reason to give an individual who unnecessarily caused you pain another chance. You may see it as a second chance to love you, but if they hurt you already, they do not love you and will hurt you again. There is no apology on the planet that should EVER be accepted from a person who has no discipline over their own emotions. These folks lack self-awareness (and self-control) to an extreme. SO, if you give them another crack at your heart (and soul), they will repeat the same behaviour at some point in the future--sadly, it's never a matter of IF but WHEN.

PSYCHOLOGY 101: DO NOT REWARD NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR.

"Reward" includes responding to any communication from a person who abused you. This is different from ghosting. Ghosting is the coward's way out of a relationship or situationship or friendship. Sometimes, even siblings will attempt to ghost. Ghosting is essentially discarding a person you claimed to care about because it's easier or better for you to walk away without a word. That's literally listed in the DSM as symptomatic of not only Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but Psychopathy as well.

A person who ghosts you NEVER CARED. And perhaps more importantly, is likely incapable of caring about you outside of their own selfish desires. Whether they were using you for sex or money or both, you were the back-up. The moment the ghosting happened, it's because that individual believed they found someone better. Yes, that is the truth. No, they will not say that if/when they come back. There's no easy way to admit, "I really never cared about you but you're good at sex and I didn't want to be alone."

Hence ghosting....

COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY WHEN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE LEAVES. It's a blessing. You really will be better off. Letting go of your attachment to an unworthy sod is easy once you accept the truth--you (in all your magnificence) were taken for granted. That truth is NOT a reflection of who you are--it is a reflection of WHO THEY ARE.

Even if the relationship in question has run its course, there's no need to disappear. That's what frightened toddlers do when they feel overwhelmed. If you are over 21 and can make the choice to vote for elected officials, walk into a bar and (legally) buy a drink, AND, can pay for very expensive tattoos that will permanently alter your body, YOU CAN ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU FEEL YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS RUN ITS COURSE. You can hold your (former) partner's hand, look them in the eye, and hug them. You can tell them you are sorry that things are not working out but it does not mean you will disappear. You care. And, whenever that person is ready, you want to be their friend. Or, at least, friendly.

INTEGRITY. Learn what it means. Practice it every single day. Once you have a grip on it, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you involve others in your life. NOT BEFORE.

When someone PROVES they LACK INTEGRITY, NEVER EVER, EVER GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE.

The ONLY EXCEPTION is when a person who ran away returns in a reasonable amount of time with not just a heartfelt apology full of pretty words, but also, a really big diamond ring. Or, the deed to a house that has your name on it. If someone has left you before, you can't accept anything less than a solid commitment. That individual MUST put their money where their mouth is if they expect you to believe them. In the event you still decide to accept LESS, know that you will eventually be treated as LESS THAN.

Players aren't really players. They're simply insecure cowards looking for opportunistic moments of attention and affection from as many people as possible. They often know that they've given up a good thing for something temporary, shallow and empty. Somewhere deep inside, these folks don't believe they're worth the real deal. And, they're right. Because, any adult who is mature enough to start a love-relationship is also mature enough to GO TO A THERAPIST AND DEAL WITH THEIR BAGGAGE. Not doing so is a GIANT sign that you really, really, really need to make that appointment. Self-sabotage may look good at 20, 25, or even 30. But after 35, you're less of a hot mess and more of just a plain old-fashioned mess.

You've heard the phrase, "Hurt people hurt people." How about this:

WEAK PEOPLE WEAKEN PEOPLE.

Stay away from emotionally immature individuals. Someone may be able to fool you for a month, but the mask falls away fairly quickly. And when it does, RUN. My only caveat there is, don't act self-righteous. Try to discuss it with the other party and work with them until it's more of a mutual decision. Not only does this help provide a modicum of closure, it also allows you to avoid a potential stalker. It may feel good to tell a jerk to "eff off," but rejection breeds obsession and that doesn't help anyone to move on from a relationship (that was not stable anyway).

One of the best affirmations I created for my clients:

"I deserve consistency and stability in all of my relationships."

And, you do!

KNOW YOUR VALUE. If you don't advocate for what you know you're worth, no one else will.

EXPRESS who you are and why you should be treated with respect. No, you shouldn't have to. But standing up for your rights is as important as you both getting checked for STI's before having sex for the first time. Not everyone is comfortable bringing it up, but in the end, you'll be SO GLAD you did.

#putaringonit

0 Comments

#RelationshipRX: Straight Talk with the Coach

8/7/2021

0 Comments

Sure, money is important. But it means nothing without love. Everything becomes misery and tedium in a world that lacks intimacy. Touch. And, of course, passion.

It’s been so long, I hardly remember the feeling myself. Just wispy, ethereal fragments. Thin. Fragile. Nearly transparent.

The masks we wear are many. We spend more time thinking about love than effectively acting on it.

Quite tragic really. We aren't fuckable forever, you know. Ironically, that’s the very fear that holds us back from pursuing our passion.

We set ourselves on courses long before we’ve mapped out our route in an attempt to secure companionship for the long journey ahead. How very sad. We miss so much when we partner young. We don’t know it…until later. But by then, we may feel it’s “too late” to make up for all the loss, and, lost time.

Time is the one commodity we can never obtain more of.

That is the very reason I’m writing this essay—to remind those of you who are awake to stop dawdling. Whatever it is that is stopping you from the pursuit of passionate love, please, I beg you, put away those fears.

You will one day see (perhaps too late) how stopping yourself from having warmth, love and light in your life was, indeed, self-sabotage.

Yes, probably early in your childhood, someone reinforced the idea that love isn’t real, can’t be trusted and should be avoided at all costs. The message that love is not worth it…that, we are not worth it, was conveyed. Subtly. Sadly. And, silently. Hence, any broken heart you’ve ever endured.

So today, I ask every pair of eyes reading these words to think and think deeply. To be honest, at least with yourself. Ask what you really want—besides money. Who embodies that love and passion for you? If you can answer that question, then drop everything right now and go. Go to that person. Tell them how you feel. And, for fuck’s sake, make it happen!

If you have yet to find your embodiment of passionate love, what are you waiting for???

We may have many lifetimes but you only live this particular one once. If you anticipate problems with any relationship where love is present, you are self-sabotaging.

All fear-based decisions are reactive. Reactive choices are not real choices--they are merely fear-responses to environmental stimuli. Yet, you are not a plant. You are not a vegetable. You are not an insect. Well, some of you may be dung beetles in human suits, what do I know. But if you are currently wearing a human suit, use that complex brain and those ingenious opposable thumbs outside of the fekkin’ hamster wheel you’ve been duped into (endlessly) spinning. Use it to find love, earn love and keep love…until death do you part.

And please, STOP GIVING LOVE AWAY.

STOP SABOTAGING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS (and, the happiness of those connected to you).

Who we are ONLY matters because of love. You think that your children will hate you for choosing love? You think your family and friends will shun you? Disown you? Make fun of you???

WHO. CARES.

People will always envy those with the courage to act, and act effectively. Your family and friends say “no” when your soul is screaming “yes, yes, yes!”? That’s when something called “soft boundaries” are really, really important to implement.

Listen, no one but you has to live with the consequences of denying yourself the love you both want and need. Look around you. Is everyone telling you “no” happy themselves? Are they with a partner? Do they give you say over their lives???

Regardless of the answers to the questions above, every single one of us has one job, and one job only—to stay in our own lane. We can’t control others. We can only control our own thoughts. Our own feelings. And, our own behaviours. Yes, we need people to survive the world, but there are 7 billion of us. If the folks around you are stopping you from having happiness, love, joy, success, and outright miracles in your life, you don’t need them in your life anymore. Find better people. Find those who will not hold you back or down. Who will not require vertical relationships. Or, codependencies. For once, choose you. When you do, you also choose love.

One day, I will find it—the love AND passion AND in a package that includes fearless loyalty, fierce friendship and the energy to sustain both for decades to come. I am the Sun. I am light, love and infinite energy. And, I will not settle for anything or anyone less than that very same fiery magic in and all around me.

Learn who you are and what you want. Then, never stop looking until you find it.

Be savage for yourself. Be a warrior for your own cause. Fight for you. Fight for what you both want and need. And never, ever stop. Keep going! Stay uplifted!!! It will happen for you—that lifelong passionate love.

You have to have faith that if you exist (and, you do…), then, so must your equal. Let your soul send out its beacon and call in that person. In the meantime, get out there! Walk the Earth until you find them. Yes, the pandemic may make the pursuit of lifelong love and passion a smidge harder, but so what…you’re worth it.

Shall we repeat that once again? Say it with me now—loud and proud:

I. AM. WORTH. IT.

Yes, yes you are.

#StraightTalk

0 Comments

Players, Meet the Coach:

7/12/2021

0 Comments

Are you dating a reptile???

If you truly care for others, love children, want to help senior members of our society, and appreciate animals, nature—you’re warm-blooded. But if you ruthlessly act on your own best interests, even if it means hurting others (animals, people, the environment)—you’re reptilian, or cold-blooded. But, how can you tell who’s who when considering future romantic partners???

The simple answer is, you can’t....

There are plenty of chameleons out there: reptiles who literally change their appearance to suit their environment. In other words, the (seemingly) single dad you’ve been dating who appears sensitive, sweet, attentive, and kind—he’s probably married with two kids under 10 and a baby on the way. Folks like this perhaps read too many comic books (and watch waaay too many movies) when their core belief is that by simply wearing dark-rimmed glasses, no one will recognize who they truly are (a la Clark Kent).

What are the tell-tale signs that can help poke holes in any well-honed reptilian façade?

The first on that list is pretentiousness. Yes, if they’re sharing obscure jazz and articles from The New Yorker on the regular, they’re about as one-dimensional as a forgotten movie set on the Paramount lot.

When someone works hard to impress others, it likely means they have no ability to back it up. They’re merely acting like someone who they think is educated, erudite. But people who are actually educated don’t need to prove it by pretending to be something they’re not. Being an intellectual means never prioritizing problems over people by looking beyond the surface for answers. These solution seekers focus on original thought, not regurgitating the wit and witticisms of others.

At least the Clark Kents of this world put in a little effort on their road to ruthlessness. It’s the people who are blatantly vicious through outright lies and thinly-veiled threats that are the very reason Ring doorbells were invented. They may appear human, but there’s no humanity left in those otherwise empty husks.

Here’s an example:

You meet a great person. Things are going really well. It's been six months or so. He (or she) invites you to have a romantic weekend together. Yay! You're excited. They're VERY excited. And, after ordering some Door Dash, Bae is on you like stripes on a tiger! You two move the party into the bedroom. You're kissing. The lights are down low...and, so is Bae. You kiss Bae again and tell them how much you love them.

Bae's response?

"I love...f***ing you."

Um, wwwhhhaaattt?!?!?! Talk about ruining the moment.

Sadly, if you can relate to this scenario, you were dating a reptile. Within days of that little social-bomb, "bae" tells you they need time to think. A week later, you haven't heard a single word. Oh yeah...you've been GHOSTED.

#Ouch.

In Psychology, things like the above example are an attempt at gaslighting as well as baiting—not so coincidentally, both are traits from the Dark Triad. Most “reptilian” or cold-blooded behaviour derives from the Dark Triad, which includes traits from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Machiavellianism and Psychopathy.

The master-baiters out there may likely have a variation of NPD—whether overt or covert, they’re still reptiles. The best way to diffuse a narcissist is to ignore them. They are attention seekers because even if they appear confident, they’re incredibly insecure. Rewarding their attempts to hurt you through confrontation is exactly what they want. They may keep pushing you until they get it, too. That’s why you need an exit strategy—one that gets you as far away from the narcissist (aka “energy vampire”) as possible.

When it comes to dating a reptile, time, patience and intelligence are your friends—use them wisely.

The (un)single dad who pretends to be something he’s not? That’s classic Machiavellianism. Communication patterns that use vagaries, avoidance and deflection are all red flags. Pretty much all manipulative behaviours fall into this category. I call people with such traits, “joy stealers”—like those old Hollywood movie sets, any joy you may receive from ruthless types isn’t real. But you’ll really miss it when you discover it was all just some jerk-off’s fantasy, and never meant for anything more. Or, if it was meant for “more,” it doesn’t include a house with a white picket fence nor any sort of real commitment.

So, how did you go from utter happiness with tons of potential to feeling isolated and alone?

Your Machiavellian reptile made you *think* that sending you 100 years worth of love songs was real, just to get you to cooperate. He never thought of you as anything more than a toy—something he could pick up and put down at his own convenience. These joy-stealers also love to steal your time. Yeah, that’s a big bag of “no.” Whether five years ago, today, or 15 years in the future, the answer will always and forever be unequivocally, “No.”

Key Concept:

No one wants to be an option....

And that brings us to the psychopaths. These folks look for vulnerable people to prey (and profit!) on. If you catch their eye and you’re not vulnerable, they’ll work on you until you are. If you don’t comply at some point, expect fun things like Visine slipped into your cereal, the irreparable damage and/or disappearance of anything you have an attachment to (including people and pets, but also clothing, pictures, decor, jewelry, anything unique or irreplaceable...the list sadly goes on and on). There’s also the spreading of rumours about you in an effort to isolate you further, as well as outright stalking—both virtually and in real life. All of which sabotages your employment or potential for employment, your health and safety—including your mental health, and of course, your financial stability. It’s systematic. Meant as a kind of torture. Misery does love company, after all:

When there are two people in a long-term relationship but only one is successful, fit, employed, has healthy savings and no debt, you have yourself a classic reptile. Warm-blooded people who think they have no real resources fail to see that energy itself is a resource. If you have it in abundance, you will attract all manner of reptiles. Have you ever seen a snake sun itself on a sidewalk? Same thing. They’ll slither out from whatever rock they were under to soak up your warmth as they bask in your light.

Warm-blooded types care about you as a person. They want equality in their relationships. Balance. Anything less feels unhealthy. Open, kind, generous—the warm-blooded are the givers of this world.

Givers have to learn not to be taken. Being open and giving on a planet full of reptiles has its disadvantages. You are at risk of being eaten alive...and, it won’t be quick. It will happen slowly over time. You’ll escape one only to find another, and another, and, another. I’m not sure where the intelligence comes in with the “design” of Planet Earth and its inhabitants, but even if our creation is laced with deliberate cruelty, we can still make choices in who we spend our time with, and, how we spend it.

If you’re warm-blooded and currently dealing with a reptile, cut the proverbial cord! It’s hard to do if you’ve been manipulated or made to feel dependent on them in some way. No contact is the best way to go if you’re dating a reptilian type. However, if you’re already in a committed relationship and living with a reptile, as their primary source of light/warmth they won’t let you go so easily. Develop your exit strategy as safely and quickly as possible.

Once you can leave, never ever look back....

Signs the person you’re interested in (or are already with) is “warm-blooded”:

-Consistency:

Someone truly interested won’t “breadcrumb” you with two-second texts and expect an Oscar. Instead, they will make a conscious effort to get to know you through sustained, consistent efforts that include not only calls, texts, emails/letters, and FaceTime (or the equivalent)—they will want to see you in person, too. They also want to meet your family and friends as well as introduce you to theirs.

A person who cares will never deflect responsibility for nonresponse by using excuses like, “I’ve been busy,” or “Everything is a blur because of work.” Unless you’re dating a world leader or a neurosurgeon, chances are decent that your person has the time to get in touch at some point during the day. When someone disappears for a day or two (or more), be aware that you may be dealing with a reptilian heart—one that will gravitate toward any source that provides “warmth.” So, if the guy who was sending you love songs every day for eight months is now “too busy” to get in touch, he’s found another source of energy to use and abuse. Count yourself lucky (even if lonely) when that happens. Now, you can move on to someone who actually makes time for you in their life:

-Transparency:

When you have a misunderstanding, a person who truly cares for you wants to return balance to the situation so will never prioritize any problem over you or the relationship. However, reptiles will always prioritize problems over people, holding on to negativity as a punitive measure (when you get upset, you generate energy or “warmth” through anger and sadness; reptiles feed off of that energy—it doesn’t have to come from a place of happiness on your end to make reptilian types feel better about themselves).

Open, honest communication is the solution to nearly every and any issue in a relationship. A warm-blooded person will strive for clarity. They will be forthcoming with their feelings, as well as their needs, and will be interested in you sharing those same things with them. A person who cares will never make or keep you vulnerable. If you ask to talk, they’ll listen. Not two weeks later—you’ll get a call right away, or a text asking you when a call or video chat will be most convenient.

-Clear Intentions:

Warm-blooded individuals let their intentions be known upfront. They will share emotions in a direct way, too—encouraging you to do the same. People who are truly your friend will not ignore you or your questions—they will answer you quickly and honestly. There’s no need to “find the words” or “the best approach” unless someone is trying to buy time in an effort to cover up the truth. Honesty requires no such effort. It’s just the truth, and saying what’s true is easy unless a person is attempting to hide lies aka trick the object of their “affection” into providing more “warmth” (or, supply).

To the reptiles of this world, feel free to scurry back under the rock you crawled out from under. Because, it’s hunting season. And my proverbial pen is more accurate than Annie Oakley. Btw, so is my aim....

Players who want to play with fire will always get burned. You’re in my world now.

#MeetTheCoach

0 Comments

#Stay

6/17/2021

0 Comments

When will I learn?
Being immortal is like this:
You lose some
And then you lose some more
An eternity of loss
Held together by fleeting moments of joy
Emphasis on "fleeting"

Is it enough?
No, it never is
Good enough isn't really good enough
Maybe no one gets a happy ending
They just get to end
Everybody seems to want to live forever
But I've never understood why....

There is a futility to human happiness
It doesn't last
Pain does though
Hurt is dependable
You can count on it
It can count on you, too
So. Much. Hardship.

Love may be just another fairytale
The reality is more toxic
Plan B fails
So you have to take another pill
To bleed
To heal
To feel

My tears are as infinite as I am
Not as portrayed by my fellow Dorchestarian
It's more complex
Nuanced
Like a delicate spider's web
You catch more flies with honey
Unless you have eight legs

Spiders are the Weavers of Destiny
Even mine
Fate is something we wait for
But Destiny, ah, now that is a choice
And it appears I chose wrong...yet again
And again
And, again

Like I said, I'm infinite
No beginning
No end
And apparently, so are my choices
Good and bad
For better or worse
In sickness and in health

We are poorer for our riches
Cosmic and Karmic.
Loving and Lovely.
The Sun sets in the blink of an eye
Even when taking the road less travelled by
Hopefully, all is not yet lost
For, this time, it is too steep a cost.

#Stay

0 Comments

Why Heartbreak Can Be a Good Thing

6/16/2021

1 Comment

Heartbreak. It's never fun. And while pain is part of the human equation, we usually hope for the best in matters of love. Unfortunately, hope isn't always enough.

The silver lining? Heartbreak can teach us valuable lessons about who we are and what we want.

In any relationship, we need to feel valued. A person who values you will not discount you for any reason. But if an individual makes the mistake of taking you for granted, they'll need to prove themselves to move the relationship forward in the future.

Trust may be easy to receive, but it's tough to earn....

Panic can happen. Cold feet can happen. But ultimately, when someone is lukewarm about the love you have to offer, that's something you should know sooner rather than later. It puts the proverbial ball in your court, too. We need to value ourselves or no one else will. Heartbreak can help us choose better. And, by "choose better," I mean, choosing yourself.

When a partner asks you to overextend yourself in any way--to accept risks no one should have to accept--this individual does not have your best interests at heart. That's just the truth. It's a hard truth, I know, but a necessary one.

So, whatever caused the ending that created heartbreak, move forward with grace. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sorrow. Know that when you act with integrity, unconditional love will be both your shield and your guide. You can't protect yourself from pain, but you can protect yourself from future pain. Future heartache. And, that's important.

Stable people choose to invest time, energy and resources into developing a high-quality connection. When they see potential in a partner, they won't hesitate to move forward. Confident, secure folks know what they want and as a result, have the courage to go after it.

When someone is feeling confused, however, let them work it out on their own. You can express how their confusion makes you feel. But don't cut them off. Try to be supportive. Being supportive doesn't mean sacrificing yourself or your own needs. Maintain self-respect. Maintain decorum. If things turn around, you can communicate your needs at that time. Together. But if things don't manifest in your favour, let them know you appreciate their honesty and take the high road. Remain friends if you're both amenable--it's what healthy, stable, balanced people would (and should) do.

Heartbreak can teach you to level up in matters of love. Increasing your own stability will decrease toxicity in any future relationship. It doesn't mean toxicity won't evolve, but if you're both stable, you can diffuse any negatives much more quickly and easily.

When it comes to love, confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. That confidence can and will lead you to a safe, secure commitment with an equal. There's really nothing better.

1 Comment

#RelationshipRX: How Much is Fear Really Costing You???

1/4/2021

0 Comments

It's okay to feel pain. Attempting to avoid it is a reactionary response to fear. When we fear pain, we're prone to mistaking possibility for probability--but imaginary pain is a delusion, something we convince ourselves to be real when there's an equal possibility that it's not.

Why would anyone do that?

Survival. We're afraid the pain from (potential) rejection will consume us. We're afraid we may not be able to breathe again if, say, the object of our affection (whether a person, job or purchase) does not meet our expectations. If this sounds like insecurity, it's because it is insecurity. Others reject us (even after accepting us!) because they are insecure, anticipating failure, and by extension, pain--that, in turn, makes us insecure. Sometimes, we're the ones who make a preemptive strike, ghosting a person (or situation) we care about because we're afraid...not always of failure either. Sometimes, we're equally afraid of success.

Yes, fear of success is a real thing. To better understand that, try answering the following questions:

What if you never allowed fear to get in your way?

What would happen if you pursued every dream, every goal, every ambition you ever had?

How much more do you think you would accomplish if you simply went for what you wanted instead of holding back--both personally and professionally?

If you answered the above questions honestly, you can now better understand what fear is costing you. Go ahead--put a dollar value on every hour you've spent avoiding pain. Multiply those hours by that dollar value. What does that add up to each week? Each month? What about each year???

Conservatively, if we said three hours a day (times seven days a week multiplied by 52 weeks), we'd be talking about close to 1,100 hours. Today, high school grads can earn upwards of $27/hour doing remote contact tracing. So, if we assume all those reading this have at least graduated from high school, we can also assume that the minimum dollar equivalent to the minimum hours we spend avoiding pain (through social media, television, movies, gaming, YouTube, etc.) is well over $29,000 a year, which equates to over $2,400 a month, or about $600 a week.

Think you spend less than three hours a day avoiding pain? Okay, even if we were to halve the above figures, it's still the equivalent of $15,000 a year. You can buy a car with that. You can put a down payment on your first home. You can pay off student loans. You can help an underprivileged child complete an Associates degree at a community college and still gift them the remaining $3,000 to help them get a head start in their lives.

Now, imagine what your life would be like if you took the time, energy, effort, and yes, even resources avoiding pain and put ALL of it into going after what you wanted instead...you'd be successful in any area of life where you wanted a win. You'd have to be. Because, you'd go all-in. Going all-in increases your odds of success exponentially. So, when we fail to maintain a relationship or love connection because we're afraid "things won't work out," we're lying to ourselves...and, everyone else.

The Truth Hurts...But We Don't Have To:

Finding out the root of your fear(s) can (and will!) help you to be more effective in ALL areas of your life. Coping strategies, like increased mindfulness through meditation, are tools we can learn to use properly in order to remove would-be obstacles. You just have to be brave enough to first admit to yourself that you need help. Then, have the courage to ask for it....

The older I get, the less I allow fear to get the better of me. It still happens once in a while. But if I had one wish, it would be to get back what equates to decades worth of (apparent) timidity. I never saw myself as timid. But in truth, I let go of more than I can eloquently articulate here because I was too afraid to fight for it. Things that may not have even required much fighting, if any at all. But I imagined excesses of time, effort and all for an eventual negative result just so I could say, "It's not worth it." And, of course, turn my back and walk away, guilt-free. There's no guilt in knowing our limits, but we need to be able to discern the difference between having limits and creating them. That's part of understanding "scarcity mindset." Yes, we who are asked to fight early in life can get tired. That's true, too. But when I take a closer look, I can see my justifications as exactly that--excuses for keeping myself small. Small, and yes, afraid--that's what scarcity mindset is in a nutshell.

Being self-responsible is hard. It's so much more than paying your bills, eating well, and maintaining health, employment and social connections. Taking responsibility for ourselves also means being mindful of how and why we make the choices we make and take the actions we take. Or don't take, as the case may be....

Expressing our feelings is about taking responsibility--for ourselves and others.

Saying, "I love you," has consequences. Stating clear intentions is like that. We learn to avoid clarity, especially in a world that includes social media, to also avoid holding ourselves responsible for what we want. It's easier to blame others for not meeting our needs. We can't be judged for being in the wrong place at the wrong time...unless you put yourself there. Victimhood is actually encouraged by society. Discernment helps with not falling prey to such logical fallacy--or, what may best be described as a rhetorical slight of hand.

We may indeed be victimized by both individuals and society at various points in our lives, but that by no means is indicative of a need to compromise our integrity as well.

Bottom line:

Just because someone has victimized you does not mean you have to remain a victim.

Sexism is real. Racism is real. Hate is real. We can't control how others think, feel or behave. However, we can control how we think, what we feel and any subsequent behaviours thereof. When we forget that, we're self-sabotaging. Self-sabotage means giving up control to fear--usually via a past trauma, like abuse.

Time is the one commodity we can't trade. As linear creatures, we can only ever move in one direction. But that doesn't mean our minds have to stay stuck in the past (as our bodies inevitably move forward). We can release the old in order to create something new. Letting go doesn't mean things have to end--it just means you're willing to allow things to evolve. Change. Grow. And, growth takes time...time, and a great deal of patience.

I can lead you down the rational path toward the well of reason...but it is you (and only you) who can choose to end your thirst for "better" or "more." You have all the tools you need to create the life you want--you just have to have the character, the integrity, and of course, the will to act on both.

No, it's not easy. Yes, it takes tremendous effort. But you are worth it. Your happiness, and the freedom that comes with it, is worthwhile, too.

The Take Away:

In life, there are no real deadlines. You're never too old, or, too young. And, it's never too late. Focus on forward momentum--one day at a time, one step at a time, you'll start to see progress.

If you'd like me to help you remove obstacles from your life, please sign up for a session today:

Hypnotherapy Techniques: Heal the Mind, Heal the Body

I believe in you! But you must believe in yourself in order to make positive, permanent change. Take a chance and be fully present--tell the person you love that you love them. Text the guy or girl you pushed away before the holidays. If you know there is a person on this planet who helps you feel more balanced, happy and healthy, express yourself! It's a brand new year. You have every reason to make the changes you've been putting off. Your path is clear--nothing can hold you down or back anymore. Nothing but you.

Cheers to a happier, healthier and wealthier 2021! Good luck....

0 Comments

<<Previous

About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

LOOK UP

Tips from the Coach for Valentine's Day

The Power of Meditation

Thoughts on the New Year Ahead

Dear Players: Put A Ring On It. Signed, The Coach

#RelationshipRX: Straight Talk with the Coach

Players, Meet the Coach:

#Stay

Why Heartbreak Can Be a Good Thing

#RelationshipRX: How Much is Fear Really Costing You???

About the Author

Archives

Categories