Social media is a good way to check on a person's relationship status. My relationship status is private by design. When you look back at older essays like #WritersBlock and #SayGoodnightGracie, you might better understand why....
Using any kind of surveillance activities as opposed to being open and straightforward resonates with fear, victimhood and insecurity. You're looking for reasons to not move forward. Excuses to cut yourself off from the opportunity. It may be time to consider taking a session with me on relationships so you can learn your triggers and understand what's motivating your choices:
When you're creeping on potential love interests, it's important to remember that social media is not always a reflection of real life. In fact, most of the time, it's not representative at all. That's why an internet search can actually be harmful. It isn't always telling you the truth--for that, you'd have to go straight to the source.
The $20,000 Date
A friend recently approached me about a high-end private dating service. While pretty much everything is either cancelled or postponed, that's not the case for love. Do you know that some singles are paying up to $20,000 to go on a date with someone who's been vetted by a specialized agency? No, I'm not kidding...
To find true success with true love, we need to connect with those who share our core values. When you've achieved a certain level of success, you probably look pretty good, too. All of that takes time and effort. So why waste your valuable time on people who aren't willing to invest in you as much as you do in yourself???
I think we all need to look at our individual value with a much more discerning eye, regardless of whether or not we're willing to sink $20,000 into finding "the one." My research on Millennials and relationships shows that a good number of men see attractive, educated, professional, and accomplished women as potential intimate partners, but usually aren't interested in anything more. There's an element of sexism there--women who have it all together aren't as easy to control. The problem with sexism in the 21st century is that it's usually unwitting. Men may not even realize why they back off. Or, why they always seem to end up in relationships with emotionally and/or financially vulnerable women. Could be a connection there, guys...something to think about! True, I've never met a younger man who complained about a woman that's educated and a homeowner, but unless he's also professionally established, there's a decent risk of being used. Unfortunately, ladies, users typically don't tell you they're about to use you. But any kind of imbalance in a relationship can turn vertical.
Finding an equal is the best option when it comes to love. Sadly, I'm not sure that can really happen without a little outside help. You may meet people whom you believe have potential but more often than not, you end up wasting six or more months before realizing the situation is a dead-end. And THAT is why some people are paying big $$$ to be introduced to a potential partner. No games. No surprises. Just serious, professional, educated people who take care of themselves--just like you--looking for exactly the same things you are. It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? The money-aspect, however, may have to change a bit given Bloomberg's dire future forecasting for the global economy over the next five years a la COVID-19.
Other Ways We Sabotage Ourselves in LOVE
Discounting exceptional people because of our own insecurities is self-defeating. Even if you could meet a person who somehow has no pre-existing issues in the 21st century, unless you have a crystal ball, you don't know what you'll be dealing with in the future. So, why deny feelings for an individual who's a proven survivor? I'm thinking of not just cancer survivors, like me, but even former military--who often have things like PTSD. Based on the fact that everyone is human, there's a decent shot that either a car accident, a cancer diagnosis, maybe depression, or some other health concern will pop up eventually.
Especially in the time of COVID-19, if you have met a dream-person in every other way except for some blip in their health history or a scar you wish wasn't there, look in the mirror before deciding to walk away (aka don't be a jerk). You're probably not perfect either. This is just another way your mind tricks you into self-sabotage, self-punishment, and ultimately, self-loathing. You set yourself up for romantic failure when you find excuses not to pursue someone you're really interested in. By the way, I get it. Been there, done that. You always end up holding a big bag of regret instead of basking in the glow of a big ball of light and love.
The "abject" can be almost anything--having kids, the age of the kids, the number of kids, etc.. Maybe you don't like that they're a cat person when you're a dog person, even though you clearly both love animals. Maybe there are old attachments that are still in the process of being dealt with (sometimes on both ends, especially if you meet in mid-life) and even though everything else is perfect, you end things when you shouldn't. Maybe you come up with other reasons--they're not homeowners, they work for themselves, they like pink underwear (or, in my case, no underwear, lol)...perfectionism leaves no stone unturned. Regardless, a hyper-focus on any one aspect of a whole person is self-sabotage. That means you probably don't even realize how you hurt yourself (see "Faith Over Fear" April 2020).
Mistaking ego/pride for intuition is a common problem in love.
I once had a male acquaintance declare, "I won't date any woman who makes less than $75,000 a year." Given that women in much of the Western World make less than 78-cents to every male peer's dollar, that's really cutting out A LOT of great people for the benefit of some random figure. So, a gorgeous gal who's smart, talented and fit but only makes $72,000 a year is out then? $65,000 a year? $60,000??? All rather decent salaries...just not decent enough for this chap.
Putting a dollar-figure on a potential partner is petty and self-centered. It also speaks to the fact that you're not really interested in finding love--what you actually want is a physically attractive financial resource. I don't know ANYONE who'd be excited about being seen that way. Disappointing, to say the least.
My acquaintance did not need a dime from anyone, by the way--he made quite a lot of money himself (over $200,000/year). Even if he found his "dream" woman, if she got sick or lost her job, any time, efforts, energy she invested with him would have certainly been lost. As much wealth as he had, this person had a pervasive disconnect when it came to finances. To such an extent, it ruled his entire life. And yes, ruined his chances at finding real love. Because, even when he found a woman who met his financial standards, his hyper-focus on money inevitably ended things anyway.
There are plenty of folks who aren't prepared to pay $20,000 for a date that are still invested in finding the real deal--they're just harder to find. Maybe it's someone you know already. Maybe it's someone new. Whoever the object of your affection is (or will be), if you want to ask them out--just do it. Creeping on people's Facebook pages or doing internet searches is ethically dicey. If you want to know if someone is single or not, ASK THEM. Don't go behind their back. Don't make assumptions ("But this guy commented on her post and she said she loved him"...first of all, that guy is married. Second of all, he's married to a man...SO DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!!). And, don't rely on hearsay or second-hand knowledge either. Friends and family don't know everything AND, side-note, they don't always have the best interest of others at heart...you know who does though? The person you're interested in.
Go straight to the source, people! Don't be shy...technology makes it easy to ask simple questions these days.
Stand in your own power. Be courageous. To truly (re)connect with a love interest, you're going to have to make yourself vulnerable. If you're not willing to do that, you're not as ready for love as you think you are.
Good luck to all you love-seekers in the time of COVID-19!
Never wait for Fate to "manifest" your heart's desire. Take charge of your own happiness by communicating your intentions in a clear, purpose-driven manner and you'll find what you're looking for. Guaranteed.
Proactive people are successful people...in both life AND love. So, what's it going to be??? Are you going to lurk in the shadows...or step into the light???
To Get Help in Matters of LOVE:
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*2019 Beach-hair-don't-care photo...summer can't get here soon enough!