I hope you're keeping safe and well as lockdown continues. I've been looking over reader comments and there seems to be an interesting trend in relationships or love connections that ended before the pandemic hit. But as we are all now well into our second month of quarantine, people are re-evaluating their priorities. A good thing!
We are more lonely now, and that's why so many are considering how to effect positive change today that may be fully acted upon once restrictions are lifted. Before the threat of COVID-19, it seems there was a lot of ego and pride in love relationships--or a need to control others. But this virus is teaching us all that no one is really in control. None of us are guaranteed a future. And maybe--just maybe--we made some regrettable mistakes in our recent past that we now have ample opportunity to repair.
When we feel the need to keep tight control over our outside world, it's because there is chaos on the inside. That's a reactionary response to pain, resentment, fear--likely stemming from a toxic parent-relationship experienced during childhood. We unconsciously replay those familial psychological patterns for sometimes decades. These "inherited" attitudes and behaviors are so deeply ingrained, you may not even recognize you're an active participant, perpetuating toxic cycles.
How do you prevent repeating the past?
Faith over fear! Have faith in yourself, your instincts, your heart. Someone taught you at a very young age that you couldn't trust yourself. But, you can!
In order to make effective change, we have to commit to our own happiness by first acknowledging our unhappiness. We often take on martyr-roles in domestic life, giving up pieces of ourselves for others. But, why do we do that? Has anyone ever asked you to sacrifice yourself for their needs? And, if they have, that's not a healthy relationship. If you feel sad and/or stuck, the toxicity from that situation is why. But also, you have to recognize how you perpetuated it. Encouraged it. Someone may have been willing to throw you under the proverbial bus, but you were willing to do it yourself, too--or, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.
At the end of the day, my greatest wish is for every single human being on Planet Earth to feel loved. Really loved. All the knowledge I've accumulated over the years ethically obligates me to ACT. I couldn't live with myself if I kept the ability to heal emotional wounds secret. Or, asked for outrageous amounts of money to relay information I feel is a RIGHT, not a privilege. You have the RIGHT to give and receive UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Simply because you exist.
Peace isn't achieved overnight. It's incremental, like success--one person at a time, one soul at a time.
Ready to start healing those old wounds??? Here we go:
1. Stop beating yourself up for your humanity.
Ending long-term commitments when we have shared family/assets is a daunting process. Starting a new life can be overwhelming as a result. Some part of us is also afraid of losing face. But that's ego talking. Pride. Anyone who judges you for being human is essentially an emotional Neanderthal and doesn't matter anyway.
If you're unhappy, you can break old cycles through increased honesty. Express your true intentions and desires. Being your truest self is who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of. When we have a family, we often worry about how our kids will see us when we are our authentic selves. But teaching your children to take ownership of their happiness is a good thing. When they are older and stuck in bad relationships, do you really want them to stay stuck...like you are? Or, would you want them to use your example to get unstuck and start living a life that gives them joy???
As a parent, I want my family to be authentic to themselves. You can maintain commitments to children and even former spouses by being equitable and fair. Staying calm. Not allowing others to bait you. Rising above petty behaviors and attitudes. When people speak badly about you, they're showing their own disconnects. That will be noticed by others. So will the fact that you did not sink to those same levels.
Be unapologetic about your choice to be authentically you. Your life, your choices. Simple as that. Those who love you will support you. Those who don't are self-serving. As a result, their opinions have far less (if any) gravity.
2. Avoid keeping score.
If you worry about reaching out to a connection because you think they'll reject you (especially if you rejected them at some point), you're keeping score. Because you keep score, you expect others to do so as well. But that's not how real love works. The fact that you feel this way should be a red flag about the negativity in your past relationship(s). Love relationships are supposed to make you feel safe--not defensive. You don't have to continue to participate in the unhealthy behavior if you're still disentangling from a toxic situation (via COVID-19). Creating "soft boundaries" with a soon-to-be-former spouse through clear, calm, consistent communication will help you feel more balanced as you navigate the path to a new life with someone who truly loves you.
A continued need to maintain control may be the reason behind a lack of momentum with your real love connection. And, it will eventually sever those ties if you don't start to understand what motivates you--in other words, learning the context behind your feelings, thoughts and actions will help you effect the positive changes you seek in both life and love.
Trying to control people/situations is a form of self-sabotage. Accepting responsibility for how you really feel is what will turn things around in the future. It's not a defeat or a surrender to admit your humanity. It's a victory. A victory over your past. You're no longer that little boy or girl looking for acceptance from someone who will never give it to you--a pattern you likely played out in previous relationships. Instead, by letting yourself fall in love again, you are giving yourself permission to finally be with an individual who will not only accept you, but will love and care for you unconditionally--that's what real love does. Only vertical (or codependent) relationships are punitive. If there's been no contact with your true love connection--it's time to reach out. Accepting real love means you're starting to heal. You can now take ownership without feeling shame or loss for being you. You'll begin to feel more confident, too. Life only gets better from there!
Avoid projecting your disconnects onto others. We all do that, by the way--it's how we live with ourselves after making some of our less intelligent choices. So, forgive yourself. Forgive whoever you need to forgive. And then, forget about it--the resentments, the little hurts, the pain. You no longer have to be petty. No more keeping score. You don't need to live in a state of regret...or, in the past. You now have a bright future ahead of you! A future full of love, trust, loyalty, fun, adventure--all because you had the courage to tell a person who loves you that you love them back.
Believe me, if your true love connection cared for you six months ago, they still care for you today. And, if the love between you two is real, they'll understand your fear. They'll understand you. They love you. That's what love is. It accepts you for who you are. It's both patient AND kind.
Accept true LOVE by accepting your true self. You really are built for victory, triumph and success.
Faith over fear! You got this....
To sign up for a session, click the link below: