Thinking things through in kitchen design creates a functional aesthetic that both beautifies and improves one's life; I find the space I built in my kitchen a calming refuge and I'm grateful I "overthought" every detail--from the Brazilian granite to the recycled glass tiles in the backsplash. But applying too much thought to a relationship can keep us stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, leading to years of unhappiness. Stopping that cycle in its tracks will help you find the fulfillment we all crave. Continuing it, however, is a willful desire to remain unhappy. Essentially, someone victimized you in the past, and you're now so comfortable in that role, you're unaware of what you do to keep yourself there, which is problematic when facing crucial life-changing crossroads...like meeting your soulmate.
In order to make the most of what spiritualists call "divine timing," you have to be ready to seize the moment when it arrives. If you've been hurt before (and, who hasn't???), you may choose to walk away, coming up with justifications that effectively end the connection. That's very sad, isn't it? I don't want that for you...or, me. Being self-aware can help combat our fears. But in order for us to do that, we have to stay open. Open to the possibilities. And, when the time is right, translate that openness into honesty.
Maybe you walked away from someone in the past and wondered, "Why did I do that? I really liked him/her. They just felt unavailable or unattainable in some way."
I know I have....
That's self-sabotage. Overthinking in a nutshell. Instead of going with it, you got scared and backed off, missing an opportunity to bloom and grow as a human being.
Opening a bottle of wine for just me always felt frivolous, wasteful even. And since I haven't had anyone willing to share a good red in about six years, I'd not opened a single bottle in all that time. Not one. Until a few days ago....
The other evening, I was cooking home-made gnocchi and arrabbiata sauce, humming and swaying to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" while taking in the earthy aroma of the blended tomatoes, herbs and spices bubbling away on the stove top. With a suddenness I still don't quite understand, I abruptly decided to go down to the cellar and pick out a bottle of wine. Just like that. Without a second thought. No idea why. I just wanted it and effectively went after what I wanted. And, I'm glad I did--it was the best thing I've had in my mouth since October 10th.
It's sad to look back on the last six years, knowing I wasn't allowing myself the simple pleasure that comes from a good glass of wine. Makes me wonder what else I've missed out on thanks to overthinking....
Making unilateral decisions is something we tend to do as adults. We take our emotional context for granted, discounting how all those little hurts, the betrayals, the narcissistic partners (and narcissistic parents!) have added up, thinking, "I'm fine," when we're anything but. In the interest of keeping calm and carrying on, we box up negatives and put them on some dusty shelf in our brain, believing compartmentalization means we've dealt with the issue. But it's simply not true.
My early decision to walk away in a love relationship because of a unilateral decision continued to reverberate, creating a kind of tidal eddy that we just couldn't escape--even after a second chance. Someone who wasn't skittish before that moment became less trusting. He then began looking for reasons as to why I had a change of heart, even though I never had a change of heart, just a change of mind. A harrowing fear of abandonment on my end led to my choosing to believe that someone I really cared about simply wasn't available, even though that was clearly not the case. To make matters worse, once I got my second chance, pride got the better of me and I basically denied my feelings, acting as though a (rather public) prior proclamation of love was unintentional. I know...not cool. As a result of my insecurities, by the time I was finally ready to admit to my feelings, it probably looked forced, less-than-authentic.
Burgeoning romance is a delicate creature. Similar to the wings of a moth, one wrong move can turn love to dust.
I hope this helps those of you in similar situations to avoid missing your once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection. But if you think that may have happened already, try reaching out. And, be honest when you do.
Love requires vulnerability. So when I consider my overall behavior, I can see how the momentum we built during that second chance got lost in the shuffle of insecurity. Of course, there are always two people in a relationship and perhaps from the other party's perspective, it may have appeared to be no-win. When he first pushed me to come clean, I was unhappy about what I saw as impertinence, but was still willing to respond because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So, he made it for me.
I still wasn't being completely honest, blaming indecision, when in fact, I'd made a decision--I just didn't want to own up to it. Even though I felt time stand still the moment we met, I prioritized potential problems over a person I really cared for--not because he wasn't worthy, but because I didn't feel like I was.
I knew I'd probably miss him for the rest of my life, but wanted to avoid what I perceived as a big ball of blinding pain. You see, when you don't think yourself worthy of love, you can only ever imagine rejection and abandonment as the end result of every relationship. Obviously, I didn't come to that way of thinking on my own--I learned it in my early years of life: People who say they love you will deliberately hurt you, sabotage you, disappoint you, and ultimately, abandon you...I'm crying as I type all this out--it's very sad and very, very frustrating. In trying to protect myself (coming from that background), I unintentionally hurt others and when I attempt to make things right, they end up hurting me. Only a nurturing, compassionate, loving, kind, and understanding partner could change that cycle....
While I do what I can to give myself unconditional love, neural pathways are re-routed when you get consistent positive feedback from a stable outside source. I sort of see that as the ultimate love relationship--providing a stable source of positive feedback to build your partner up through things like regular sex, as well as being generally considerate and kind--creating a comfortable home to share, cooking for each other, making time for walks or hikes in nature, intimate conversations, sharing a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace and laughing together--intentionally making deliberate efforts to increase your partner's sense of security, self-worth, confidence, and overall feeling of being loved and valued. All of that seems so easy and natural to me. More's the shame....
When I messed up the first time around, the other party reached out. I was legitimately thrilled and truly hoped it was the beginning of a fresh, new start. We seemed to meet each other's courage in kind after that. Felt pretty magical...until it didn't.
Third chances don't manifest very often in life. Being as honest as possible is your best defense against self-sabotage.
Real love has no deadline. If you feel it, you feel it. You can run. You can hide. But it will still be there. So be kind to yourself and the person you care for by giving love a fighting chance, okay???
Make "compassion over judgement," your new mantra. I have, and it's helped me to see a painful situation from both sides, allowing for recognition of my role in what happened so it never happens again. If you want to learn how to clear your negatives, discuss relationships, dating, twinflames, and/or soulmates, feel free to click the link below and sign up for a session. Once COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, you'll be fully prepared to embrace true love.
Because, of course, YOU ARE BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!
Never forget it....