Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to feel like this? To know exactly what you want and need but to be powerless to do anything about it, let alone utter it aloud??? And then, and then...even if miracles occurred and the stars aligned, my untold want may not be possible. Or, feasible. Practical. Pragmatic. At best, the thing I want (yet cannot speak) seems insane. But, I've never been happier than when I went a little crazy.
"Crazy" is relative though. To have never done what others considered irrational, imprudent and erroneous would have been a sign of true madness on my part. For, how can one have never experienced joy yet somehow turn away from it when it knocks on your front door?
No, I'm not crazy for wanting or needing joy. It is the world that has gone mad, expecting its victims to be silent, and somehow, satisfied with that silence. Why do we have mouths? Tongues? Throats? Vocal chords? Lungs? And a diaphragm? Why do we have a complex brain capable of creating words, and languages...so many languages? Why? Can anyone tell me???
Of course not. But I can tell you why things like words (and affection) are withheld:
Do you want to know why the world is the way it is? Why there is so much mental illness? So much misery?
Control. Distraction and control, to be exact. The less happy we are, the more money we need to spend to fix it. To distract ourselves from it. To escape reality for just a few hours. In that way, money does buy happiness. It buys everything. Even love. You don't need money to feel that rare connection with another person. But you do need dollars (and sense) to maintain it. Or at least, to buy the shelter needed to house it. And, the food needed to sustain it.
Shakespeare said music was the food of love. I tend to agree. When I experienced real love, it was as if it were set to a sound track. Like a movie. Only better. Because it was real. And, really happening to me. Voices of angels danced lightly in my ears. Letters from their language appeared in my mind's eye. When that happened, bodies disappeared becoming pure energy. Pure light. Two souls, not two people. Merging together as one. The greatest of all quantum entanglements. Transcending space and time.
Have you ever felt that? A kind of melding of minds, bodies, hearts, and the light from within your soul??? It's as close to magic as I have ever come....
It's not exactly like picking out a new car. You can't swipe right and expect to find it again either. This lifetime emotion comes but once in a lifetime. For the expanse of yours. More's the shame.
See??? Pure sadness. At least I can say I've felt something pure. Innocent in its purity, too. Beautiful. Unique. Special. How can something so incredible also be the cause of so much sorrow? I really don't know. All I know is that I'm like a ship floating on a sea of tears. I dreamt of a sinking ship years before I found what is now lost. A parent of three children drowned in the dream. Funny how time reveals the truth in our dreams. Today, I recognize that it was not existing children that belonged to someone else...it was three children that were supposed to belong to me. And, I was the parent who drowned.
Still drowning, actually....
Sometimes I wonder if I've died and just haven't realized it yet. I imagine that's how death is. Quick. Unwitting. Like walking into a grocery store for milk. Or, putting gas in your car.
No wonder I'm so sad, so frustrated. I'm more akin to a disembodied voice, clacking away on digital keys. But the response is only ever an echo. My own voice, haunting me. Taunting me.
You want to know what the saddest thing about all this is?
It didn't have to be this way. Humans. Always so eager to give up their happiness. If I could teach the world one lesson, it would be that fear is but an illusion. The real truth is in your heart, not your mind.
Irony, it really is the one accessory I shall never, ever lose. Too bad I can't say the same for my Gucci sunglasses....