We've all faced it--a reluctance from others to our ideas, to our friends, to our families, even to ourselves. Sometimes, that reluctance is genuine, meaning that the people who show it are showing it not for some ulterior motive or personal agenda, but because they have a legitimate issue, like a scheduling conflict--basically, an issue that is not personal to you or the situation. But then we have what I call inauthentic reluctance--the kind of reluctance that IS personal and IS meant to disrupt you, the situation you're involved in, and/or the ideas you are trying to move forward.
I've written about dealing with negative people in the past. It's often hard to understand the level of misery that drives that kind of negativity and victimhood. Ultimately, though aggravating--even if you were a Buddhist monk--you have to be the BIGGER person. And by bigger I mean, you have to stand up taller intellectually, philosophically and ethically. It's not easy to do. But then you have to consider the root of the reluctance. Inauthentic reluctance is a red flag for other issues.
Inauthentic reluctance is often a sign of a deliberate lack of respect, fear, severe dislike, or other problem that is not yours to deal with--it belongs to the individual or individuals showing the inauthentic reluctance. However, you will find that you will still have to deal with such individuals, whether family, friends or in a professional setting. And when you do, be prepared to find solutions to the road blocks their inauthentic reluctance poses. It's not always as simple as it may sound because of invisible, unspoken social contracts.
Keeping the peace in a given family is always a priority. Though many of us build "chosen" families throughout our lifetimes, friends who are connected to us spiritually in a way that surpasses the necessity of implied shared genetics, we still have to deal with family that is not chosen.
In an employment situation, this kind of inauthentic reluctance can stand in your way of promotion and earnings; dealing with inauthentic reluctance professionally is tenuous because though you may want to improve yourself and your income through promotion, if you encounter inauthentic reluctance, there may not be much you can do outside of leaving that position.
It is the same with inauthentically-reluctant friends--you have to walk away. But inauthetically-reluctant family is not as easy.
There are no truly simple solutions outside of removing yourself completely--which is far from simple, for many reasons. But as you move forward in your familial relationships, understand that even self-removal is ineffective in the face of things like weddings or funerals.
HOWEVER, regardless of the particular social contract being jeopardized by another's inauthentic reluctance, RECOGNIZING the disingenuous nature of such behavior is key in helping you to not only deal with it, but deal with it with much less stress and anxiety than you would otherwise. Once you recognize the inauthenticity of the individual's reluctance, make a game plan for removing any road blocks. Set that plan in motion and move forward. If the reluctance persists, it only shows the person's deliberate negativity toward you, the situation you're in, or the idea you presented. If there is a group involved, others in the group will recognize the inauthenticity. Often, individuals using inauthentic reluctance to manipulate people, situations and ideas will discontinue their efforts when exposed. If exposure doesn't stunt the inappropriate behavior, discontinue what you're doing. To continue in the midst of stubborn inauthentic reluctance would be toxic to you and the reluctant-individual(s), and that's when self-removal, if possible, is necessary.
If you're in a job and encountering inauthentic reluctance, continue working at your best level while also making efforts to find a better fit where you will be valued and appreciated.
As you move through life and find roadblocks to you and your evolution, let me urge you to not let the petty stop your forward motion. Instead, persevere beyond it. The prize for you is learning new ways to deal with the difficult, making any future difficulties less of a burden. You will have less stress and anxiety and an overall improved quality of life. And in the spirit of mindfulness and being in the moment, there is nothing greater!
Until next time, dearest readers....
I've written about dealing with negative people in the past. It's often hard to understand the level of misery that drives that kind of negativity and victimhood. Ultimately, though aggravating--even if you were a Buddhist monk--you have to be the BIGGER person. And by bigger I mean, you have to stand up taller intellectually, philosophically and ethically. It's not easy to do. But then you have to consider the root of the reluctance. Inauthentic reluctance is a red flag for other issues.
Inauthentic reluctance is often a sign of a deliberate lack of respect, fear, severe dislike, or other problem that is not yours to deal with--it belongs to the individual or individuals showing the inauthentic reluctance. However, you will find that you will still have to deal with such individuals, whether family, friends or in a professional setting. And when you do, be prepared to find solutions to the road blocks their inauthentic reluctance poses. It's not always as simple as it may sound because of invisible, unspoken social contracts.
Keeping the peace in a given family is always a priority. Though many of us build "chosen" families throughout our lifetimes, friends who are connected to us spiritually in a way that surpasses the necessity of implied shared genetics, we still have to deal with family that is not chosen.
In an employment situation, this kind of inauthentic reluctance can stand in your way of promotion and earnings; dealing with inauthentic reluctance professionally is tenuous because though you may want to improve yourself and your income through promotion, if you encounter inauthentic reluctance, there may not be much you can do outside of leaving that position.
It is the same with inauthentically-reluctant friends--you have to walk away. But inauthetically-reluctant family is not as easy.
There are no truly simple solutions outside of removing yourself completely--which is far from simple, for many reasons. But as you move forward in your familial relationships, understand that even self-removal is ineffective in the face of things like weddings or funerals.
HOWEVER, regardless of the particular social contract being jeopardized by another's inauthentic reluctance, RECOGNIZING the disingenuous nature of such behavior is key in helping you to not only deal with it, but deal with it with much less stress and anxiety than you would otherwise. Once you recognize the inauthenticity of the individual's reluctance, make a game plan for removing any road blocks. Set that plan in motion and move forward. If the reluctance persists, it only shows the person's deliberate negativity toward you, the situation you're in, or the idea you presented. If there is a group involved, others in the group will recognize the inauthenticity. Often, individuals using inauthentic reluctance to manipulate people, situations and ideas will discontinue their efforts when exposed. If exposure doesn't stunt the inappropriate behavior, discontinue what you're doing. To continue in the midst of stubborn inauthentic reluctance would be toxic to you and the reluctant-individual(s), and that's when self-removal, if possible, is necessary.
If you're in a job and encountering inauthentic reluctance, continue working at your best level while also making efforts to find a better fit where you will be valued and appreciated.
As you move through life and find roadblocks to you and your evolution, let me urge you to not let the petty stop your forward motion. Instead, persevere beyond it. The prize for you is learning new ways to deal with the difficult, making any future difficulties less of a burden. You will have less stress and anxiety and an overall improved quality of life. And in the spirit of mindfulness and being in the moment, there is nothing greater!
Until next time, dearest readers....
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