Oh, the irony of straight men being called "straight" when a decent number of the men I know are downright crooked. Just kidding, guys. Sort of: Y'all know you can be shady-af. Of course, that's true for some women, too. However, I'm loathe to point out that there are still *a few* inequities. For instance, there's no equivalent to, say, being "dickmatized"....
You see, fellas, size DOES matter. But don't worry--if you're *a tad* underwhelming in that department, you can always win her over through an increased spiritual connection. And by "spiritual connection," I mean, AMAZING oral. Yeah, you read that right. Talented tongues are *always* appreciated.
Now, on to the subject at hand...so to speak. Here are your categories a la Hollywood for *drum roll please* THE STRAIGHT MAN:
Named for Hugh Grant, the Brit who stole American hearts in 90's rom-coms like Notting Hill (1999), Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) and Nine Months (1994), the HUGHs of this world can't get out of their own way.
Charmingly oblivious, a HUGH is too polite to assume a real relationship is possible (or probable), despite killer sex and the girl practically begging him to become more intimate. He'll be sweet, kind and unassuming as he walks you to your car (or your room!) and asks for permission to kiss you. A HUGH is a considerate, generous lover who's clearly in love with you, but won't ring you back, text or write, even if you're a literal runway model. You'll only get an inkling of the depth of his love months (or years!) later, when you are standing on the alter with another man. Or, you've flown across the ocean to run into him "unexpectedly." Or, alternately, you ring his doorbell on the day of HIS wedding to say you're divorced and love him and you hope he doesn't get to that little white church on time but instead, hops a plane to Vegas with you to The Little White Chapel.
The HUGHs of this world are attractive because they embody the traits you want in a life partner. He'll make you feel safe and respected. You'll never be scared that a HUGH will try to physically hurt you, but you'll become aware of the HUGH's ability for subtle (and not-so-subtle) manipulation through that coy clueless act of his--aka "the shell of innocence." That "shell" is just a place to hide in order for the HUGH to pretend that he's not as human as he really is. Embarrassed by failure, when a HUGH fucks up, you can be a freakin' movie star who earns millions upon millions yet you'll still have to be the one begging him to "consider" you. We all love that iconic scene in Notting Hill where rich and famous Julia Roberts says to underachieving indie book shop owner, Hugh Grant:
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
Ladies, if you have to ask a man to love you, he's an utter gobshite and you'll find yourself asking for every little thing in the future, too--from sex to birthday dinners to vacations...for the rest of your life. All that for boyish charm and an unmistakable twinkle in his eye??? That's a big NO. But if you said "yes," perhaps it's time to consider why you need a HUGH's approval in the first place. It's a most unfortunate position to be in...legally bound to a man who mopes his way through life, feigning innocence to avoid taking responsibility for his decisions--including you. And, that drop-dead American he fucked while traveling for work. And, the twit of a sales associate at Charlotte Tilbury Fenwick Newcastle. And, the list goes on and on and on...you get the idea.
Who doesn't love a good Jane Austen reference??? If there's one thing Jane knew, it was the straight man. The WILLOUGHBY (Sense and Sensibility 1994) is positively dashing and oh-so roguishly handsome. He'll ride in on his white horse, real or proverbial, and save you...even from yourself. He's polite, well-mannered yet also bold, taking liberties that will make you giggle and blush (and squirm, too). Every woman you know will see your WILLOUGHBY as "a real catch" and count you "lucky" for finding yourself in the arms of a such a gorgeous yet vaguely-employed "gentleman."
In the meantime, the WILLOUGHBY's of this world, charming as they appear, are selfish gits who are only out for themselves. Oh, your WILLOUGHBY will absolutely be in love with you. But unless you have the 21st century equivalent of 30,000-pounds a year (roughly two million dollars), this absolute CAD will make love to you, then, promptly ghost you. You'll call, write, beg, plead only to learn at some public event that your WILLOUGHBY is already married. Or, engaged. If she's not wealthier than you, than she is certainly more stupid. Because, she actually married this D-bag (or worse, wants to).
WILLOUGHBYs are usually addicts--gamblers, drinkers, etc.; they have a refined appearance and mannerisms but come from sordid backgrounds and/or less-than-acceptable families. But, because of their charm and wit, WILLOUGHBYs make their way into more polite society--usually by proving themselves through military service. However, a WILLOUGHBY is still unable to maintain regular civilian employment. WILLOUGHBYs never have any money as a result so use their good looks to get women to pay for their sorry-lives. If you've ever loved (and ultimately lost) a WILLOUGHBY, have no fear, they're cyber-stalkers and will forever look for you...just at a safe distance. In other words, WILLOUGHBYs may seem like the real deal, but in reality, they're ineffective men with victim mentalities.
Another way to describe an "ineffective" man is *ahem* IMPOTENT....
That's right, ladies, Taye Diggs from little ol' Rochester, New York helped Stella get her groove back in 1998, and he's been helping the rest of us get ours on ever since!
Taye is actually a friend of mine (yeah, I'm totally name-dropping...what of it???). And, he is as gorgeous in person as he is on camera. More so, if I'm being honest (and, I am!). Inside AND out.
The TAYE is a hawt younger man who is relentless in his pursuit of you--an older, gorgeous gal who is maybe divorced or separated or just plain sick and tired of the BS men in their 40's and 50's carry around like the latest Coach bag. The TAYE will make you feel incredible...beautiful, loved, and appreciated, but he's not yet had the chance to earn so is thirsty for not only you, but to prove himself. Your mismatched experience will ultimately be the issue that ends the relationship. But let me tell you, ladies, you will miss your TAYE for the rest of your life, even though you recognise, deep-down, that you had to let him go. You could totally pull a Demi and marry your own Ashton--just know that he ends up with a version of Mila Kunis at the end of the day.
Tie me up, tie me down! Yeah, baby, give me a little ANTONIO any day of the week...but just for one night. ANTONIO is your hot-tempered, fiery passionate lover. He's a little kinky, and likes to wear things like masks and capes a la Zorro (1998). ANTONIO is no Puss in Boots (2001)--he sinks his teeth into you, devouring you whole. While your ANTONIO will kiss you unexpectedly in public and fuck you senseless every chance he gets, he's also a bit of a narcissist. You'll love how he pulls your hair and slaps your ass, but not when he decides to do so outside of the bedroom. The ANTONIO is a classic bad boy in some respects. As long as he loves you, you're in. The moment he gets bored, he'll look for reasons to resent you. You could have half-a-dozen kids with your ANTONIO and he'll still walk away.
ANTONIO may well be the best sex of your life, but he will ruin your self-esteem and attempt to sabotage you at every turn via his jealousy and paranoia. Oh, and ANTONIOs are typically pathological in other ways, too--like the way they make up fiction and insist it's fact. Ugh.
Yes, please! The character of Jacob Black from Twilight (2008) was played by my favorite underdog, Taylor Lautner, whose (albeit distant) Native American genes gave him those absolutely irresistible boy-next-door good looks and charm. The JAKEs of this world are like puppy dogs, nipping at your heels, begging for scraps, trying to engage you in "play" with "toys" (like motorcycles, romantic walks and tent-camping). These wholesome chappies are terribly athletic but have rather low self-esteem. They always fall for unavailable women and forever feel they have "bad timing" when it's really a matter of bad taste.
JAKEs are always in love with someone else when they're with you. Only when they move on to someone else, will they finally figure out they're in love with you--which is, naturally, too late because you're now married and living in the burbs with a balding husband and ungrateful kids (but at least you drive a Mercedes, right???). The JAKE is a self-sabotager at heart who denies his own power to play victim to alpha-bullies as a convenient excuse for failure. Even after a JAKE seems to have made a big leap, he'll allow himself to be pulled back into some drama or other because, deep down, he doesn't really want to be happy.
The caveat: JAKEs can grow fangs and claws when rejected. While, the JAKE appears to be a good guy on the surface, you'll get a MAJOR rapey vibe if you ever say "no" to him. For the record, that's the opposite of sexy....
A la The Holiday (2006), the Jasper (played by Rufus Sewell) loves you and leaves you, similar to the WILLOUGHBY, but unlike WILLOUGHBY the JASPER is highly effective--at least professionally. He's financially successful and usually in a position of power. JASPER enjoys lording that power over younger, more vulnerable women or, older vulnerable women--either way, a JASPER isn't going to ever give you what you want/need. He's the guy who says, "Yeah, I'm married, but I can promise you some really great lunches."
Your JASPER will never marry you. He'll just lead you on (or lead you by the nose) for years upon years. If he does marry, the JASPER will find ways to have affairs and you'll put up with it because he's a good provider, is relatively good looking and also, a total bastard who will keep you in court ad infinitum over who gets a salad fork if you were so bold as to try to leave him.
Dermot Mulroney (My Best Friend's Wedding 1997; The Wedding Date 2004) just has swagger, y'all. We love us some Dermot M! And, for good reason.
The Dermot is a man who's earnest, good and true. Handsome, yet flawed, DERMOTs are honest and straightforward. So much so, you'll wonder if your DERMOT is too good to be true. You may even discount the DERMOT when you first meet him, seeing him as somehow unavailable or unobtainable. Or, full of utter shite. Either way....
DERMOTs are philosophical, introspective chaps, which can make them rather moody and prone to abruptly leaving you high and dry at say, your sister's wedding...or, your own. But ultimately, a DERMOT will always come back and stand by your side. He'll also deck a guy for looking at you the wrong way--which is awesome and you'll love him for defending your honor. You'll just wish your DERMOT wouldn't be so damn ethical all the time; it'll cost you vacations, clothing, diamonds, and your favourite foods. You'll be stuck driving a Prius hybrid with two car seats shoved in the back and a third baby on the way, pulling up to your "tiny home" because it's better for the environment, even though you'd really just like to have a bathroom with an actual tub you can stretch out in.
The late Heath Ledger lent his Aussie-good looks and curled lochs to rom-coms like A Knight's Tale (2001) and 10 Things I Hate About You (1999). Though the actor had his demons, he always managed to embody "the perfect (straight) man" in a myriad of creative ways.
The HEATH is maybe a little rough around the edges. But he's confident and courageous. A positive person, a HEATH won't let life's obstacles get in his way. HEATHs always reach for the stars and believe that they can change theirs, yours and everyone else's. Genuine of spirit with compassionate souls, HEATHs will see you and love you. Pretty much right away. They aren't afraid of commitment nor are they looking for hand-outs. And though they may not always know the right things to say or do (or, wear), HEATHS are good-natured and (usually) have the best of intentions.
A HEATH will be loyal to you until his last breath. He'll make you laugh, and sometimes cry, but HEATHS are generous and will make up for missteps without getting bogged down by their own egos.
HEATHS also challenge you. In a good way. You can go on adventures together, talking for hours at a time (and, fucking for hours, too). HEATHS have a natural air of authority, so any woman connected to him will be respected. If she isn't, your HEATH will have no problem setting an offender straight without even having to resort to fisticuffs. Your HEATH will respect your independence but knows (without being asked) when it's appropriate to step in and protect your honor. HEATHS like strong, smart women and will see you as beautiful forever because what he's really looking at is the beauty of your spirit.
That's a Wrap, Everyone!
There you have it, folks--straight men in a Hollywood nutshell! *crack*
Mr. DeMille, after my close up, I'll take one of each!!! Kidding...though I was accepting applications for my harem last year, given the current state of the world, no straight men need apply at this time. However, I'm always happy to hear from my beloved LGBTQIA peeps.
Next up, the girls will be under the Hollywood-microscope as I continue what I hope reads as a fun, entertaining series of content that will put a smile on your face during what continues to be an unprecedented period of fear and stress for citizens of Earth.
Stay safe, everyone! You're never alone....
*picture courtesy of 20th Century Fox