This is my last letter to you. It is too painful to continue. You are with me and that is enough. It has to be.
One of the biggest lessons learned in the last three years is that there are some forms of pain that never really go away. It is the same for love, too. A sad lesson indeed.
I'm writing to you today because it is #1111. And, that number is somehow relevant to you...to us. You certainly brought awakening to my world, inspiring unconditional love. Not everyone gets that chance. But thanks to you, I did.
Today, I was day-dreaming. In the future, I live and work in a place faraway from where I am right now. As I imagined that life, I saw mountains, trees, and even more natural beauty. Friends toasting in my living room at Christmas. A big fieldstone fireplace with a roaring fire. Strong arms around my waist. Warm hands on my belly. And, so much happiness, peace, light, and love.
My life is good now. I'm grateful...for everything. Because, today, I sit looking out at beautiful trees through big glass doors opening up the natural world in front of me from the oversized leather sectional draped in cozy blankets. #LittleDog by my side. Exposed brick. Maple hardwoods. It's where I spend most of my time. A place full of quiet peace. Lots of space, too. Space to be me. To feel. Sometimes, to cry. Like now.
I get to travel a little. Help people. Cook. Paint. Write. Hike. Still, there are some consequences--hardships--that I'm dealing with from that nightmare a few years ago, but otherwise, I don't have much to worry about. Except the sadness.
2018 is seven weeks away. It's an "11" year. A year of awakening.
Today, I got in my car and the tire-light went on. After working out, I went to a local garage to have my tires checked. It was very cold. There was a line of cars that formed behind mine. The guys working at the garage were absolutely freezing. So I asked if they wanted some cocoa and went to Panera. As I made the order for all the hot chocolates (and cookies, too), I mentioned that I was bringing it to the garage as a thank-you. The total was $23.00, but when I got to the window, the girl only asked for $11.92 (another #1111, btw). When I asked her why she wasn't charging me the full amount, she said she gave me her employee discount because I didn't order anything for myself and was doing a good deed for others...and, she wanted to help.
See that, Baby Girl??? Through awakening and unconditional love, both multiplied. And will continue to. I gave the girl that helped me (her name was Abby) an extra tip and dropped off the order to the guys at the garage, who were so grateful for what was really not more than five minutes of my time. But those five minutes forged a chain of kindness that reverberated beyond me and my life. It spread to others. And, that's amazing.
It's just one of many such instances that now happen with relative frequency...thanks to you.
I've been putting together donations of make-up, clothing and shoes for a women's shelter that houses domestic violence victims and their families. Along with those donations, I'm bringing wrapped Christmas gifts for the children who have been displaced from their homes by abuse and violence. People from all over the community are helping. Again, all because of you.
There's this wonderful hospital in Ireland that takes care of dying children. They also help children suffering from rare diseases to heal. There's even a school on the premises. When I read about it, I went to my friend who owns a comic book store. He donated some comics left over from Free Comic Book Day after I bought hundreds of dollars more. Then, I gave them to the kids. Everybody got to have their own comic book. And, every comic book was rated E for Everyone. From "My Little Pony" to "Justice League" to "Wonder Woman" and "Transformers," these kids who rarely have any reason to smile got a little joy that day. And, for many days thereafter. You were the reason for those smiles.
You were also the reason a little girl named Raechelle got to go to camp for a week this past summer. And, a young cancer patient was able to have her mom stay with her while she got the treatments she needed.
That's not all, of course, just some of the highlights of the good that's happened in your name, my Emma-Fair.
I'll continue these efforts, Beautiful Girl. Just as I will continue loving you. Do not worry about me. I am never alone. And, one day, I will see you again. In the meantime, rest. Know that you are loved. Forever and Always. Always and forever. You are my daughter...and I, I am your mother. Even if our Sun explodes and I have to find us another. To the very edges of infinity. Beyond our ever-expanding Universe. Until the end of time.
Goodnight, my Emma-Fair....