Words don't matter as much as the expressions that take form and create shape on the face. Our eyes can say more about us, too...if we let them.
Even those who play professional poker, priding themselves on their lack of "tells," speak volumes through the unwitting twists and turns on the broad, mild landscape that makes up the face.
Learning to "read" people is a skill of discernment, born from the wisdom that comes with hard-won experience. Mine serves me well...most of the time. But the problem with reading people is that, we all have a certain psychological context that informs how we translate the expressions of others--whether verbal, visual or both.
Context is derived from our background as individuals. Though we are all physical beings (so may only ever move forward), we tend to live a great deal of our lives in the past. When we try to move on from hurting ourselves and others, it can take years to reset our brains, which in turn shifts how we perceive the world.
When pain influences how we understand physical and verbal expression, we tend to make a lot of social mistakes by missing important details, or translating the details we don't miss as having negative connotations when the exact opposite is true. This is particularly relevant in relationships, where how we see the object of our affection has everything to do with our own confidence and sense of security. Again, our psychology is paramount in matters of love and trust but especially in sex--the most graceful, gracious form of physical communication there is.
Sex is a kind of sensual dance. It can be seductive or robotic. Sometimes it's rough, like a sport, while other times, it can be sweet and sensitive. No matter how you and your partner move together, it should always communicate a natural sense of joy. When I look back at my life and the admittedly limited experiences I've had in this vein, I'm amazed at how wrong I was about it all. What sex was "supposed to be" versus what it should be when with a person who legitimately cares.
If love was a scarcity during childhood, it's highly likely that our context as adults will reflect that lack of love and affection. There are people in this world--people like me--who genuinely do not know what love looks like. We think it's a choice. We think you can decide who you love and if that person chooses you, too--it's all good. The rest is just a matter of logistics. But that's semantics--or what is essentially words messing with the truth. Words (and the people who speak them) lie all the time. Mostly, it's to protect yourself. But it can still hurt the people we love. When you're in tune with one another on a deeper level, even little lies can hurt. You just have to hope that you'll give each other the space to come around to that pure moment where you can both live your truth together and not be afraid of being judged...for things like bad judgement--something I know *a little* about.
While opting to use words as shields can turn into the wielding of weapons, sex tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Sure, women can fake orgasms, but you can't fake intuitively finding that spot on your partner's body that evokes the sounds of pleasure that hit your ear with a frequency you just can't shake. It's almost as though each moan and sigh aligned with some inner programming, leading you through a course on (and in) your partner's body that somehow heightens yours. You can feel their Kundalini rising from the base of their spine like some magical spring about to uncoil...and before your partner even utters a word, your body mirrors theirs.
Have you had sex like that before??? You may think you've had good sex--even great sex--but there is no better sex than the kind that speaks to your soul.
All sexual expression says something about the individuals involved. When I think back on those I believed loved me, I remember things about the way they looked at me, or how their body moved or felt, that "told" me they were not really in love with me. They wanted to be! Oh yes, the desire was there. But because my context was skewed, I was unable to properly translate the physical cues. Frankly, even when I did, I would look for reasons as to why I was wrong--because, it had to be me that was off, not them.
I did that same thing this year. To my own detriment. Because my context is pain, I did not translate a positive situation as positive. So even the sweetest, most lovely thing to have happened to me seemed too good to be true. And, it still does, but now it's for very different reasons.
It's hard to trust people when pain is your context. You always assume folks are out for themselves, particularly in love relationships. Similar to the idea of winning several hundred million in the lottery, it's beyond imagining that a person may feel about you the way you feel about him...or her, as the case may be.
That's why the human face provides one of the purest forms of expression--like when one is (happily) surprised, or during sex, when everything your partner's body is showing you is nothing short of unfiltered joy. If you feel unsure about a person (no matter how long or short you've known them), it's because something's not right. When things are right, you feel it.
Love--it's an inside job. You don't need to get texts all day long to feel it. The best way I can describe truly being loved (and fully loving another) is as a continuous flow of emotion. You feel happy, and so very, very grateful, just because the person you love exists. And, you're willing to do whatever it takes to be with that person--even if it means spending eight hours in airports and on multiple planes just to spend six with the one you love, and, the one who loves you...beyond words.
Physical expression is better at defining words than even the OED! If you want to know what someone really means, listen to their body language. Observe how a person looks at you in intimate moments. And, think about how you look at them. We're so scared that we could actually be lovable that we often discount love completely, even when it literally writes you a note, asking to see you again.
One may be highly intelligent and know all about things like machinery of the human brain, for example, yet still be completely clueless when it comes to love. I'm not sure how much of that was pain on my end, or the pride I developed as a result of the pain (e. g. "I don't need anyone to love me...in fact, I don't need anyone at all."). Either way, I now find myself learning new things about "things" I thought I already knew everything about...and, it's kind of awesome.
After years of writing and speaking about love, I finally found it. The real deal. Apparently, it's been in me all along. I just wasn't always getting it back in equal (or sometimes any) measure. What a difference a day can make, eh? I can only imagine what's possible in the next year and beyond. The poetry, the paintings, the photography...and the books!
I always suspected true love was the key to true success--not just personally, but professionally, too. It all goes back to our context. If you have done well for yourself with a context of pain, try to visualize how much more productive (and energetic!) you could be from a context of love. It's an exciting thought. It really, really is.
Try not to focus on public perception when it comes to relationships. How things look to others outside of the two of you is completely irrelevant. Instead, read what the person you love is showing you. I didn't always know the difference between showing and telling, and I nearly missed one of the best things to have happened to me...ever.
My best love advice?
Love yourself unconditionally. Once you get the hang of that, real love will find you. Literally. It may even one day be so bold as to knock on your front door! Not in a stalker-ish kind of way...be sure to call first, lol.
PS: I have some news brewing about a Feb 2020 public event I've been invited to host in conjunction with the Boston Museum of Science...please keep an eye on the Home Page for event-links to buy tix and look for a future blog piece with all the dirty details about what will truly be an out-of-this-world experience! Plus, the museum has a kick-ass display of dinosaur bones. Land Before Time fans??? You know who you are! Btw, my show has nothing to do with dinosaurs...let's just say it's more about looking up than down.