Welcome to karma!
Years after making one bad choice--a choice that changed the direction of your entire Destiny--you are still looking for why. How. When. What. Who. To no avail. Not that you care. All that matters to you is maintaining a connection to what you know you'll never have again.
Irony, the one accessory humanity can't seem to lose....
I see you. Feel you. Know you are suffering. Yes, you have hurt others. You have hurt yourself, too. But--and this is a big BUT--you need to open the door to healing. It all starts with integrity. From integrity, confidence springs forth. You will forever question yourself if you do not begin to use integrity in EVERYTHING you do. And, even though you hate when I say it, integrity happens when you accept responsibility for your life.
I can practically hear you cringing.
Looking backwards won't help you. Wishing, hoping, praying for a second chance won't help you either. What you did erased not just the good things in your past, but any possibility of those same good things, good people, good places from repeating in your future. That's why you have to leave all the negatives behind you. Literally. Put as much distance as possible between you and the bad influences that hold you down and back. No more waiting. No more disappearing either. Say goodbye to all the "bad" in your life. Then, find a new place where you can be a new person. And, this time, you will think, feel and act with integrity each and every day. You will be responsible. You will floss. You will brush your teeth. Pay your bills. You will never lie about who you are. You will never lie about your past. And, you will never expect people to give more than you do.
Decide who you want to be. Get the training you need to make that possible. Read. Take classes. Work. Hard. Remember what you left behind, and you'll remember how lucky you are that you escaped the badness that once cost you everything. Once, but it never has to happen again. You can stop it. You are in control of what happens next.
When you escape the cage that currently keeps you a social prisoner, you will be able to breathe again. You will heal. You will forgive yourself. You will forgive others, too. But before ANY of that can happen, you must accept responsibility for the evil you've put into the world. Not unwitting evil...the stuff you KNEW would hurt people, and hurt badly.
Say you are sorry. Be sincere. Do it. It will be hard. Your ego and pride will take some hits. However, after you feel the initial twinge of humiliation, you'll also feel free again. By the way, whether you ever acknowledge the bad things you did or not, it won't change how the people you hurt have survived since your assault on their lives. It will only change things for you.
Look, you did bad things because you were trying to evade responsibility. But, you ended up creating a psychologically eddy instead. You keep going back to what happened. You can't stop yourself. Even if you want to. And, you do. Because, reliving a past that can never change is just hurting you. That's not living with integrity. That's not being responsible. You desperately want to change the cycle you seem to be stuck in. It's called a conundrum--a logical loop. No matter how you look at it, the past will always look the same. The ONLY way to change your life for the better TODAY is to change how you approach the world tomorrow.
No more running. By the way, removing yourself from a toxic environment is not the same as running when you have taken account of ALL your responsibilities first. Do that. Make a list of your obligations. To yourself. To others. And, go from there. Tick one off at a time until you've completed them all. In the meantime, decide where you want to go to get the distance you need. Apply for a job. Any job. Work in Walmart sweeping floors if you have to. Take online classes in your off hours. Continue to work toward improving yourself. And never, ever stop. THAT is what living with integrity actually means--making yourself better to help others get better, too.
Responsibility. Integrity. Confidence. Success.
It's that simple. Yes, you will work harder than you ever have in your life, but you will also be happier. I promise. As you know, I always keep mine....
And, what about me? How can you help? Our karma in this lifetime is to help each other repair. You have helped me already. Just by reading this. But reading isn't enough. You need to live the change in order to be the change. And I need you to change. To choose better. Be better. I believe in you. Still. Always. It's time you started believing, too.
Here is how I have approached people who wronged me. Maybe it will help to see those who hurt you in a different light:
1) I accept that I am not responsible for anyone but myself.
This is harder than it may seem. Helping people is in my DNA. But I cannot change a person's behavior. I can only change mine. That means being proactive instead of reactive. Or, if you prefer, choosing Destiny instead of waiting for, and suffering through, the Fate another person chooses for me. Circumstances beyond our control happen. A lot. All we may do in such instances is to decide that, no matter what, we will remain consistent to our choices, our promises, our obligations--also known as living with integrity. It's not easy, but in the end, it is well-worth knowing you are an immovable, unshakable force--strong, not weak. You don't cave or crumble. You stand up when everyone else is looking for a chair. Even when you're tired.
2) Distance from toxicity is my friend.
When an impasse is identified, my next option is to find a way to ethically remove myself, preventing me from suffering further injury while also preventing others from causing more pain. No, I should not have to remove myself when I have done nothing wrong, but why is never the right question. Never. The better question is why not. Why not resolve whatever the problem is any way I can? It's really all any of us can do. Individuals who choose to destroy rather than create are not well. But I am. I know better, so can choose better. You can, too....
3) I choose to look for solutions, not problems.
But, problems find us all. When they do, it is imperative to recognize our own role in how any difficulty has manifested. No self-sabotage allowed! Just look for the context of the issue. It's the only way to find a path around, under, over, or, through whatever obstacles have been pushed in front of you. Regardless of who pushed those obstacles in the first place, if an obstacle is now in your path, you--and only you--can find a way around it. It's not fair. You may deserve better. So, make things fair by treating yourself better. It's your life. Fix it. Ask for help when you need to, but don't ever expect others to do more for you than you do for yourself. You are your own best advocate. Your own best hope, too.
4) I acknowledge that gratitude is the light in the darkness.
Sometimes, I get angry. Sad. Depressed. Exhausted by the endless string of hoops life keeps asking me to jump, juggle, jiggle, and wiggle through. I can get frustrated, refusing to move through even one more obstacle. When that happens, I don't want to leave my bed, let alone leave my house. But I am also incredibly grateful for my life. Having fought hard to keep it, I live as fully as humanly possible every, single day. Even when I wake up early sweating from a fever, I find the silver linings. The golden opportunities. For example, today, getting up early because I was sick meant I had to go downstairs to get medicine, which in turn meant being present for the most intense sunrise I've ever seen. It was beautiful. I took a picture. Shared that beauty with others. A friend later sent me a note saying that she was going through a hard time and had asked for a sign. When she saw my photo on Instagram, she suddenly felt like everything was going to be okay. I'd call that a win, despite the fever--wouldn't you?
My world was irreparably altered three years ago next month. Though I was not responsible for the decisions and actions of others, I couldn't avoid physically paying for the consequences as they related (and still relate) to my existence--despite my lack of agency. That's part of being self-responsible. You can do everything right and still be wronged. I am a woman living in a world that is not friendly to women. Every system in place meant to supposedly protect me has also failed me. Injustice shielded by justice. Criminals guarded by police. Innocents persecuted by criminals. County cameras poorly disguised as electrical boxes affixed with twist ties to drain-pipes...can't make this stuff up!
The world is mad, and it can make anyone feel crazy. Yet, I am still here. I am still smiling. I am still happy. My life today is good. How is that possible? Because I wanted it to be. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes, I thought the tears would never end. But I grew tired of sadness--the world is so full of beauty. So full of art. Even sadness can be beautiful. Mine drove me to spend hours hiking in all kinds of weather. And, at all times of the day. As a result, I have seen and experienced real miracles. I've also written some of my best work. Painted some of the most beautiful images. And the photography! Even a simple clover in an overgrown field becomes divine.
Be mindful, not fearful. You can choose kindness over cruelty. You can see positives amidst the negatives. You can be compassionate rather than judgmental--even for people who have hurt you and your life beyond imagining. Even for those....
Whatever you are ashamed of, release it. Write it out on paper. Then, burn it. Once the flames die, your sins will have died, too. That moment is the first of your renewal. Like magic, a new door will have opened. Perhaps it will be a window. No matter what, you will have created a new chance. I want you to take it. Do you understand? Take it. With integrity. Be responsible. Be confident. And you will find success.
No, you may not be worthy today...but if you follow the steps, you will eventually find an opening. Walking through it is your choice. The moment you do, you will know that you finally found your integrity. You finally found yourself.
Can you see it? The door??? It's opening. For you.
Post-script: Tonight we fall back in the States. An extra hour is added to our days. It's the perfect moment (and a perfect moon!) to begin anew...good luck!