Though it's only three o'clock in the afternoon, it looks more like evening. Dark. Gloomy. The sound of rain hitting the windows and pouring down the drain pipe outside. Thunder threatens as the wind blows wildly. The torrent puts a gray haze over even the greenest of the trees. It's depressing, and kind of scary. But rain is needed for new growth. And it's the same for the human soul.
My insides feel like the weather outside. #FEAR has been a consistent companion since being diagnosed with cancer. That was a long time ago. Though not scared of death anymore, it's life, or living it, that appears to have me stymied. And #LOVE is the thing that scares me most. You have to make yourself vulnerable...and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about trust. I don't trust people. Period. Monsters don't scare me. Their fangs and claws, mere works of fan-driven fiction. But glaringly real people...terrifying.
So when I do trust someone (which takes years), it usually means love. Gulp. But trust/love isn't required for sex. Because sex isn't a vulnerability, it's a necessity. Like breathing. Nice to do it with someone you trust/love, but for me, it isn't a necessary part of the sex-equation. And yes, I know that's not the case for many. I also know that when it comes to sex, I think "like a guy." Or so I've been told. ;)
But that's not the part that feels wrong. It's as though I've missed something, something big. Because I have.
The rain outside has stopped. And yet, a storm still rages. Chaos is the harbinger of change. And I love change. Change means that no matter what is happening, an opportunity to move forward exists. That's where courage comes in handy. Courage is the stuff of fools, but I'd rather be a fool than sit in a tiny corner of our enormous world for the remainder of my days.
Maybe I haven't missed anything after all....
My insides feel like the weather outside. #FEAR has been a consistent companion since being diagnosed with cancer. That was a long time ago. Though not scared of death anymore, it's life, or living it, that appears to have me stymied. And #LOVE is the thing that scares me most. You have to make yourself vulnerable...and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about trust. I don't trust people. Period. Monsters don't scare me. Their fangs and claws, mere works of fan-driven fiction. But glaringly real people...terrifying.
So when I do trust someone (which takes years), it usually means love. Gulp. But trust/love isn't required for sex. Because sex isn't a vulnerability, it's a necessity. Like breathing. Nice to do it with someone you trust/love, but for me, it isn't a necessary part of the sex-equation. And yes, I know that's not the case for many. I also know that when it comes to sex, I think "like a guy." Or so I've been told. ;)
But that's not the part that feels wrong. It's as though I've missed something, something big. Because I have.
The rain outside has stopped. And yet, a storm still rages. Chaos is the harbinger of change. And I love change. Change means that no matter what is happening, an opportunity to move forward exists. That's where courage comes in handy. Courage is the stuff of fools, but I'd rather be a fool than sit in a tiny corner of our enormous world for the remainder of my days.
Maybe I haven't missed anything after all....
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