Tu me manques is French for "I miss you." But it actually means, "You are missing from me." That's how it feels when we are separated from the person who is our person. I've used it before--the French phrase. But until recently, I never understood the true feeling of love. I knew love in a way that was more choice-driven. You meet someone you think is physically acceptable, who shares your basic ethics and goals and you decide to love them. In psychology, there's evidence that proximity can be a factor in our choice to love someone or not. The similarities in your names and faces are also factors. Employment, earning power and religion are things people consider as well. But real love is not a choice. Because, real love happens when you least expect it. It's pure in that way. No agenda. No plan. No intention. You just turn around, and boom! Love.
In the past, I've experienced the sensation of a brick being thrown in my face and translated that as love. That's how clueless I was. Love equaled pain. If it hurt to care, then it must be love, right???
Wrong. So very, very wrong....
Reclaiming Agency
I think many of us don't know what real love is supposed to be like. We base our love-decisions on need, not want.
Why is that a problem?
Need-based decisions come from a place of vulnerability. When we are vulnerable, or feel weakened in some way, we can't make a true choice. Surviving trumps thriving in those moments.
What can weaken an individual, or make someone vulnerable? It's usually abuse. I use my art (poetry/writing, painting, nature photography, cooking, etc.) as a way to return to mindfulness. Being mindful or self-aware is the only way an abused individual can reclaim agency after abuse. Otherwise, your abuser(s) remain(s) in control, even if you manage to escape somehow. That's part of the context of self-sabotage.
Resiliency is born from creativity. When you finally meet the person who is to become your person, if you have come from a background of abuse, your first instinct may likely direct you to run away, or push them away somehow. Maybe you ghost them. Maybe you sleep with someone else. Maybe you simply make a unilateral decision that the person you've fallen for couldn't possibly be available or some similar justification like, "I'm not good enough," or "s/he'd never be interested in me for the long haul." But the person who is your person will be undaunted by self-sabotaging behaviours. The person who is your person will not see your cracks, crevices, bumps or bruises as negative--they'll find you charming. Lovable. Magnetic, even. When you come from a place of abuse, it's hard to register the real deal as legitimately real--because, deep-down, a person who comes from abuse never feels worthy. That's why any creative expression is not just about mindfulness, it's about confidence, too. When we build a body of creative work, we have physical evidence that we are not "stupid" or "useless" or "unworthy." There's nothing more powerful.
How Abuse Can Keep Hurting Us As Adults
Even when the person who is your person is right there in front of you, showing you that they want, need and love you, it is often hard to accept for the abused individual. Think of it like Stockholm Syndrome--except, instead of being physically held captive, you are in more of a psychological prison. That's why institutionalization happens to prisoners--it's a variation on the same psychological theme. It also happens to those who are in the military. You stop believing you're worthy of anything but the life you've chosen--however, for lifers (usually equating to 20 years of service), it's not always a true choice. It's just the best choice, one that will help keep you fed and clothed and provide for you and a family. You need to sign up for service--because you need money for college and/or need a job. It's the rare individual with supportive family and friends who signs up for service after getting a viable college degree--that's more of a choice in that it's driven by want, not need.
Human psychology is based on the want-system. We generally all do what we want. Any healthy, employed adult over 30 not doing what they want is likely trapped in a cycle of abuse in some form or other. The number of people I talk to about love relationships in their 30's, 40's and even 50's who are incredibly unhappy is staggering. There are far too many of us making choices about love that are not true choices. It can lead to a host of physical, fiscal and mental health issues, too. There's nothing worse than feeling stuck or trapped as an adult. Time magazine's June 2019 article on the rise in suicide over the last 20 years is evidence that far too many of us feel trapped or stuck to the extent that death appears to be an option. Bloomberg recently reported that men over 50 are having financial crises due to divorce. But the article failed to mention that women over 40 are the fastest rising demographic of homeless for the very same reason.
There's no such thing as "necessary" trauma (or drama)--it's all just a distraction. A way to prevent ourselves from being happy. If we struggle through life we don't have to take responsibility for our actual emotions. Part of cultural DNA, if you will. However, there is a way out of unhappy relationships that doesn't involve bankruptcy or homelessness (or, death). It's called real love. We just have to brave enough to pursue it....
Real love is the miracle of humanity. Find it and keep it by any means necessary. If the person you're with isn't someone that makes you want to say, "Tu me manques, mon amour," then you're with the wrong person. Maybe it's convenience or just plain old-fashioned fear of being alone. Whatever your excuse for staying in a relationship that is not working, get yourself financially stable and get out. Life is too short to waste precious moments with people who drain your energy: The takers who choose to focus on negatives instead of positives and those who withhold affection and love--that's absolutely abusive.
At the end of your life, you will have regrets--we all will. But don't allow letting real love walk away be one of them. Kids eventually grow up and have their own lives. Beloved pets are only with us for a short time. Houses are just houses. But a person who truly loves you? That's a lifetime of irreplaceable affection and happiness. A fucking lifetime. There's no job, no family member, no reasonable reason to not pursue real love if you're a healthy, employed adult over 30. The only reason to stay with people who don't love us is self-sabotage. Your abusers--whoever they are or were--have won when you let them continue to hurt you through your own hand.
Commit to Yourself First and Foremost
Make a promise to yourself to do whatever you have to do to get out of a relationship that is not giving you the love you want, need and deserve. Set weekly and monthly goals to work toward independence. A year from now (or less), you can at least leave. I was recently talking to a psychologist colleague about a patient in her 40's who finally found love but is otherwise stuck in a domestic situation that includes emotional and financial abuse. She doesn't know how to leave her situation and still remain whole. My colleague pointed out that divorce isn't necessary to be happy. In the States, it's possible to dissolve a marriage in a month or two. But in Ireland or UK, it can be years of living apart--at least two--before divorce can happen. And if one party contests, a divorce can take up to five years or more. That's a very long time to wait for happiness. Haven't you waited long enough? Survive or thrive...those are the only two choices we can make when it comes to love and relationships. And that choice is up to you, and you alone.
If you're tired of just trying to survive your life, why not make a choice that will allow you to thrive? What do you have to lose??? Friends and family don't have to live with the consequences of you staying in an unhealthy relationship. Their opinions are irrelevant as a result. If you've been abused or suffered hardship and difficulty in your lifetime, you've likely been the victim of the ruthlessness of others. In all my life, the happiest I've ever been are in those moments where I decided to live for myself. It's not "selfish" to be happy--anyone who says otherwise does not love you. They also likely benefit from your unhappiness in some way. So, the only person you really have to worry about is you.
Forward Momentum
People will back you up if you are confident in your choices. It's hard for anyone to oppose real happiness--socially, they'll be perceived as "haters" if they do. Petty, jealous and full of envy. While the person courageous enough to choose real love and happiness will be seen as a hero, inspiring others to do the same.
Never give up on yourself, even when others have. If real love has happened in your life, and you know it, don't stop until you can be with the person who is your person. Even if you're over 60 as you read this, wouldn't you rather have 1-20+ years with a person you truly love and who truly loves you than not???
It's never too late in life to get your happily-ever-after. You are worthy of that miracle. So am I....
#LoveHappens
PS: The photo (see insert) was taken on 22 October 2019, 5:59pm. I was thinking of someone I love while driving home from the gym, admittedly a little distracted...until I looked up, and, there it was! A full rainbow. It was actually a double but I couldn't catch it with my phone from the car. As I continued to drive home, I noted that the rainbow seemed to be originating from my house(!). I decided to follow the other end. It took me to a patch of woods near a school. As the sun set in the opposite direction, the sky became a blaze of orange. If you've ever been to Africa, you know what I mean. I stayed and watched the rainbow until it faded away, turning into a starry night. But the next morning, the rainbow reappeared, still there. It was the third rainbow (of four) that I'd seen in two weeks time on both sides of the pond. It felt like a moment of magic--full of hope and promise. If you are struggling with love relationships right now, this rainbow is a sign to never give up on finding real love--it's the ultimate treasure at the end of every rainbow (or lifetime, especially those that begin in Ireland and stretch across the Atlantic).
In the past, I've experienced the sensation of a brick being thrown in my face and translated that as love. That's how clueless I was. Love equaled pain. If it hurt to care, then it must be love, right???
Wrong. So very, very wrong....
Reclaiming Agency
I think many of us don't know what real love is supposed to be like. We base our love-decisions on need, not want.
Why is that a problem?
Need-based decisions come from a place of vulnerability. When we are vulnerable, or feel weakened in some way, we can't make a true choice. Surviving trumps thriving in those moments.
What can weaken an individual, or make someone vulnerable? It's usually abuse. I use my art (poetry/writing, painting, nature photography, cooking, etc.) as a way to return to mindfulness. Being mindful or self-aware is the only way an abused individual can reclaim agency after abuse. Otherwise, your abuser(s) remain(s) in control, even if you manage to escape somehow. That's part of the context of self-sabotage.
Resiliency is born from creativity. When you finally meet the person who is to become your person, if you have come from a background of abuse, your first instinct may likely direct you to run away, or push them away somehow. Maybe you ghost them. Maybe you sleep with someone else. Maybe you simply make a unilateral decision that the person you've fallen for couldn't possibly be available or some similar justification like, "I'm not good enough," or "s/he'd never be interested in me for the long haul." But the person who is your person will be undaunted by self-sabotaging behaviours. The person who is your person will not see your cracks, crevices, bumps or bruises as negative--they'll find you charming. Lovable. Magnetic, even. When you come from a place of abuse, it's hard to register the real deal as legitimately real--because, deep-down, a person who comes from abuse never feels worthy. That's why any creative expression is not just about mindfulness, it's about confidence, too. When we build a body of creative work, we have physical evidence that we are not "stupid" or "useless" or "unworthy." There's nothing more powerful.
How Abuse Can Keep Hurting Us As Adults
Even when the person who is your person is right there in front of you, showing you that they want, need and love you, it is often hard to accept for the abused individual. Think of it like Stockholm Syndrome--except, instead of being physically held captive, you are in more of a psychological prison. That's why institutionalization happens to prisoners--it's a variation on the same psychological theme. It also happens to those who are in the military. You stop believing you're worthy of anything but the life you've chosen--however, for lifers (usually equating to 20 years of service), it's not always a true choice. It's just the best choice, one that will help keep you fed and clothed and provide for you and a family. You need to sign up for service--because you need money for college and/or need a job. It's the rare individual with supportive family and friends who signs up for service after getting a viable college degree--that's more of a choice in that it's driven by want, not need.
Human psychology is based on the want-system. We generally all do what we want. Any healthy, employed adult over 30 not doing what they want is likely trapped in a cycle of abuse in some form or other. The number of people I talk to about love relationships in their 30's, 40's and even 50's who are incredibly unhappy is staggering. There are far too many of us making choices about love that are not true choices. It can lead to a host of physical, fiscal and mental health issues, too. There's nothing worse than feeling stuck or trapped as an adult. Time magazine's June 2019 article on the rise in suicide over the last 20 years is evidence that far too many of us feel trapped or stuck to the extent that death appears to be an option. Bloomberg recently reported that men over 50 are having financial crises due to divorce. But the article failed to mention that women over 40 are the fastest rising demographic of homeless for the very same reason.
There's no such thing as "necessary" trauma (or drama)--it's all just a distraction. A way to prevent ourselves from being happy. If we struggle through life we don't have to take responsibility for our actual emotions. Part of cultural DNA, if you will. However, there is a way out of unhappy relationships that doesn't involve bankruptcy or homelessness (or, death). It's called real love. We just have to brave enough to pursue it....
Real love is the miracle of humanity. Find it and keep it by any means necessary. If the person you're with isn't someone that makes you want to say, "Tu me manques, mon amour," then you're with the wrong person. Maybe it's convenience or just plain old-fashioned fear of being alone. Whatever your excuse for staying in a relationship that is not working, get yourself financially stable and get out. Life is too short to waste precious moments with people who drain your energy: The takers who choose to focus on negatives instead of positives and those who withhold affection and love--that's absolutely abusive.
At the end of your life, you will have regrets--we all will. But don't allow letting real love walk away be one of them. Kids eventually grow up and have their own lives. Beloved pets are only with us for a short time. Houses are just houses. But a person who truly loves you? That's a lifetime of irreplaceable affection and happiness. A fucking lifetime. There's no job, no family member, no reasonable reason to not pursue real love if you're a healthy, employed adult over 30. The only reason to stay with people who don't love us is self-sabotage. Your abusers--whoever they are or were--have won when you let them continue to hurt you through your own hand.
Commit to Yourself First and Foremost
Make a promise to yourself to do whatever you have to do to get out of a relationship that is not giving you the love you want, need and deserve. Set weekly and monthly goals to work toward independence. A year from now (or less), you can at least leave. I was recently talking to a psychologist colleague about a patient in her 40's who finally found love but is otherwise stuck in a domestic situation that includes emotional and financial abuse. She doesn't know how to leave her situation and still remain whole. My colleague pointed out that divorce isn't necessary to be happy. In the States, it's possible to dissolve a marriage in a month or two. But in Ireland or UK, it can be years of living apart--at least two--before divorce can happen. And if one party contests, a divorce can take up to five years or more. That's a very long time to wait for happiness. Haven't you waited long enough? Survive or thrive...those are the only two choices we can make when it comes to love and relationships. And that choice is up to you, and you alone.
If you're tired of just trying to survive your life, why not make a choice that will allow you to thrive? What do you have to lose??? Friends and family don't have to live with the consequences of you staying in an unhealthy relationship. Their opinions are irrelevant as a result. If you've been abused or suffered hardship and difficulty in your lifetime, you've likely been the victim of the ruthlessness of others. In all my life, the happiest I've ever been are in those moments where I decided to live for myself. It's not "selfish" to be happy--anyone who says otherwise does not love you. They also likely benefit from your unhappiness in some way. So, the only person you really have to worry about is you.
Forward Momentum
People will back you up if you are confident in your choices. It's hard for anyone to oppose real happiness--socially, they'll be perceived as "haters" if they do. Petty, jealous and full of envy. While the person courageous enough to choose real love and happiness will be seen as a hero, inspiring others to do the same.
Never give up on yourself, even when others have. If real love has happened in your life, and you know it, don't stop until you can be with the person who is your person. Even if you're over 60 as you read this, wouldn't you rather have 1-20+ years with a person you truly love and who truly loves you than not???
It's never too late in life to get your happily-ever-after. You are worthy of that miracle. So am I....
#LoveHappens
PS: The photo (see insert) was taken on 22 October 2019, 5:59pm. I was thinking of someone I love while driving home from the gym, admittedly a little distracted...until I looked up, and, there it was! A full rainbow. It was actually a double but I couldn't catch it with my phone from the car. As I continued to drive home, I noted that the rainbow seemed to be originating from my house(!). I decided to follow the other end. It took me to a patch of woods near a school. As the sun set in the opposite direction, the sky became a blaze of orange. If you've ever been to Africa, you know what I mean. I stayed and watched the rainbow until it faded away, turning into a starry night. But the next morning, the rainbow reappeared, still there. It was the third rainbow (of four) that I'd seen in two weeks time on both sides of the pond. It felt like a moment of magic--full of hope and promise. If you are struggling with love relationships right now, this rainbow is a sign to never give up on finding real love--it's the ultimate treasure at the end of every rainbow (or lifetime, especially those that begin in Ireland and stretch across the Atlantic).
Airplanes
B.o.B
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Yeah, yeah I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partying and smashing and crashing
And all the glitz and glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time when you fade to the blackness
And when you're staring at the phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for, if you had one chance?
So airplane airplane sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight and
I'll be right back at it by the end of the night
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Yeah yeah somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was trying to get a tip at subway
And back then I was rapping for the hell of it
But nowadays we rapping to stay relevant
I'm guessing if can make some wishes out of airplanes
Then maybe oh maybe I'll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain't nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before when I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Decatur what's up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hoping we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
I could really use a wish right now
I, I, I could really use a wish right now
Like, like, like shootin' stars
I, I, I could really use a wish right now
A wish a wish right now
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Justin Franks / Jeremy Dussolliet / Timothy Sommers / Christine Dominguez / Bobby Ray Simmons / Alexander Junior Grant
Airplanes lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
B.o.B
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Yeah, yeah I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partying and smashing and crashing
And all the glitz and glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time when you fade to the blackness
And when you're staring at the phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for, if you had one chance?
So airplane airplane sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight and
I'll be right back at it by the end of the night
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Yeah yeah somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was trying to get a tip at subway
And back then I was rapping for the hell of it
But nowadays we rapping to stay relevant
I'm guessing if can make some wishes out of airplanes
Then maybe oh maybe I'll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain't nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before when I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Decatur what's up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hoping we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
I could really use a wish right now
I, I, I could really use a wish right now
Like, like, like shootin' stars
I, I, I could really use a wish right now
A wish a wish right now
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Justin Franks / Jeremy Dussolliet / Timothy Sommers / Christine Dominguez / Bobby Ray Simmons / Alexander Junior Grant
Airplanes lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
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