Music has been haunting my dreams lately. But that's not all that's been haunting me: A beautiful man, always in control, who makes me feel invincible. And I can't pretend that doesn't mean anything. Because it does. Like the lyrics in Mariah Carey's song, #Beautiful. The beautiful man is a ghost. Vanished into thin air. Surreal, like the dreams he's haunting. #Beautiful was playing on repeat in my head when I woke up this morning. I wasn't even aware I knew the words until I read them just now. But the lyrics are exactly what happens in my dream.
How do you stop a ghost from haunting you? From telling you things that aren't real? From making you believe in something that's nothing more than vapor? I wish I knew. Because this ghost has been with me for almost three weeks now.
I read about how to get rid of ghosts or negative energy online: You have to be firm, unemotional, crack every window in your house, and burn a bundle of dried sage. It's called "smudging" but I'm not sure this method will work on my ghost. Because my ghost isn't dead.
A living ghost? It's true. Yet I can't talk to him. My ghost is the only one with the power to contact me.
I'm actually frightened by my ghost. What if he doesn't go away? As scary as that thought is, what's worse is, my ghost may be haunting me because...I want him to. Even when I'm not conscious.
Is it possible to feel so lonely that you create your own ghosts--if only to keep you company? As pathetic and sad as that sounds, it's no less true. Still, he is #Beautiful. And even if it's only in my dreams, he does make me feel invincible. I gave the ghost control because of that--and now it seems, I can't get it back.
The irony of a ghost making me feel alive isn't lost on me. There are reasons for this. And I know them all. It makes me ask if there will ever be a day when I am not vulnerable...to ghosts, to men, to cruelty, to loneliness, to fear, to poverty, hunger, homelessness??? That's like asking if there will be a day when I am no longer human (even if an immortal).
I imagine my ghost, though totally transparent, somehow reads this blog. If he does, I wish he'd make himself visible to me. I'm not angry that you haunt my dreams. I'm not angry at all. When you make yourself known, I want to thank you for helping me feel like more than I am, even if it isn't real. I want to explain why your friendship--even as a ghost--has meant so much to me. Then, you can go back to being a ghost if you want. But I hope that if you have the courage to show me your face, you won't disappear again. Because I need a friend. And if you're still haunting me, you do, too.
See you tonight, #Beautiful....
How do you stop a ghost from haunting you? From telling you things that aren't real? From making you believe in something that's nothing more than vapor? I wish I knew. Because this ghost has been with me for almost three weeks now.
I read about how to get rid of ghosts or negative energy online: You have to be firm, unemotional, crack every window in your house, and burn a bundle of dried sage. It's called "smudging" but I'm not sure this method will work on my ghost. Because my ghost isn't dead.
A living ghost? It's true. Yet I can't talk to him. My ghost is the only one with the power to contact me.
I'm actually frightened by my ghost. What if he doesn't go away? As scary as that thought is, what's worse is, my ghost may be haunting me because...I want him to. Even when I'm not conscious.
Is it possible to feel so lonely that you create your own ghosts--if only to keep you company? As pathetic and sad as that sounds, it's no less true. Still, he is #Beautiful. And even if it's only in my dreams, he does make me feel invincible. I gave the ghost control because of that--and now it seems, I can't get it back.
The irony of a ghost making me feel alive isn't lost on me. There are reasons for this. And I know them all. It makes me ask if there will ever be a day when I am not vulnerable...to ghosts, to men, to cruelty, to loneliness, to fear, to poverty, hunger, homelessness??? That's like asking if there will be a day when I am no longer human (even if an immortal).
I imagine my ghost, though totally transparent, somehow reads this blog. If he does, I wish he'd make himself visible to me. I'm not angry that you haunt my dreams. I'm not angry at all. When you make yourself known, I want to thank you for helping me feel like more than I am, even if it isn't real. I want to explain why your friendship--even as a ghost--has meant so much to me. Then, you can go back to being a ghost if you want. But I hope that if you have the courage to show me your face, you won't disappear again. Because I need a friend. And if you're still haunting me, you do, too.
See you tonight, #Beautiful....
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