Life can feel like a country music song. Sometimes, a second chance is all we need to make a good thing even better. Maybe we got scared, or someone else did. But no matter what happened, something with great potential got lost in the shuffle. That can happen in the heat of the moment. Then a month or two goes by, and suddenly, things seem different.
Do you ask for a second chance? And if you get the courage up to do just that, where do you begin? What do you even say???
To start, ask yourself if it's right for you to make first contact. Did you ask for the break? Or did the other party? If it was the other party, then the ball is in their court. You don't want to be a stalker, or worse, pathetic. But, if you asked for the break, then yes--it's totally appropriate, and frankly, just good manners. Whether you want to rekindle or not.
When you are responsible for ending a relationship, it's always good to give closure to the other party. Just let that person know how sorry you are and that you wish them the best. But if you want to rekindle, you may have some explaining to do first.
Do you start with, "I was a coward"? Not likely. Self-punishment won't help anyone. And once you've decided on a message, how do you send it? Do you call? Text? Facebook message? Email? Though brave, a phone call is also foolish. If you haven't spoken for a period of time, the other party is probably not happy with you. A call gives that individual an opportunity to vent. Which isn't necessarily a good thing if emotions are running high. You want to offer an olive branch, not open a can of worms. An email, text, or Facebook message is best for testing the relationship-waters. Leave Twitter, LinkedIn and Google+ out of this particular mix.
Okay, so you determine how you are going to send your message--now, what to say??? Here's my one-size-fits-all template. Feel free to change it up as much as you need. Just limit the details until you hear back from the recipient. You can get into it more if that person is interested in knowing more. Otherwise, you're opening doors that don't yet need to be opened.
"I got some bad advice and made the mistake of following it. But I know it was a mistake. I hope it's not an irreparable one. Because there was so much more potential to explore. Can we please talk? (I'm ready to put my cards on the table.)"
What the above says is that you recognize your accountability for the change in the relationship and want to make it right. This is a good start to getting your second chance. The bit about putting your cards on the table is optional, depending on the relationship.
Why refer to bad advice? No matter why you ended the relationship, you probably talked to at least one person about it before initiating the break-up. That person, if a friend or relative, supported your decision by reinforcing it. Yes, it's true--people will tell you what you want to hear. That's not news. When you ask for love-advice from people who know you, that's what will happen. You won't get objective feedback, and somewhere inside, you knew that when seeking the advice to begin with. That's the mistake. Looking for justification for your decisions. But those people don't have to live with the consequences. So, in reality, their opinion has very little weight.
Expect the response to be anything from "Fuck you" to "What took you so long?" to both. Don't be surprised if, at first, you hear nothing. Give it a few days. If you don't hear after a week, you can forward your previous response with a brief, "Not sure you got this. If you did and aren't interested in talking, I understand, but wanted to make sure you received my message." That basically translates as a good faith gesture--a good thing. If you still don't hear back, know you did everything in your power to reconnect. But what about sending flowers, or something like a balloon-a-gram? Or maybe surprising her/him at work/home/gym? If you ended things and haven't spoken in over a month, your someone special may have moved on. Sending flowers or balloons or surprising them at home, work, or the gym is not only overkill, it's creepy. Be patient. Even if you don't hear back right away, you've opened a closed door. Opportunity is bound to appear.
With any luck, your olive branch will be accepted. If you get a positive response to your initial message--don't get pushy--take it slow. Ask to meet for lunch or coffee. Avoid dinner--it's too much like a date and may send the wrong message. When you do meet, be sure to give a brief hug to that person if amenable; it will reinforce that you care without appearing too clingy. Keep that first meeting to under two hours. And even if you both want to kick things up a notch, don't be tempted by the draw of intimacy. In other words, no fucking! This is a second chance. You want things to be different. Rushing it always makes a mess (I have some experience there, unfortunately). Before you end, ask if you can call or text in the next day or two. And actually follow up. Express the desire to see them again. Hopefully, your connection will be even stronger than it was before the break-up. Because now, you'll each appreciate the other all the more.
Remember, #LOVE always wins. So if you're considering asking for a second chance--go for it! You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain....
Do you ask for a second chance? And if you get the courage up to do just that, where do you begin? What do you even say???
To start, ask yourself if it's right for you to make first contact. Did you ask for the break? Or did the other party? If it was the other party, then the ball is in their court. You don't want to be a stalker, or worse, pathetic. But, if you asked for the break, then yes--it's totally appropriate, and frankly, just good manners. Whether you want to rekindle or not.
When you are responsible for ending a relationship, it's always good to give closure to the other party. Just let that person know how sorry you are and that you wish them the best. But if you want to rekindle, you may have some explaining to do first.
Do you start with, "I was a coward"? Not likely. Self-punishment won't help anyone. And once you've decided on a message, how do you send it? Do you call? Text? Facebook message? Email? Though brave, a phone call is also foolish. If you haven't spoken for a period of time, the other party is probably not happy with you. A call gives that individual an opportunity to vent. Which isn't necessarily a good thing if emotions are running high. You want to offer an olive branch, not open a can of worms. An email, text, or Facebook message is best for testing the relationship-waters. Leave Twitter, LinkedIn and Google+ out of this particular mix.
Okay, so you determine how you are going to send your message--now, what to say??? Here's my one-size-fits-all template. Feel free to change it up as much as you need. Just limit the details until you hear back from the recipient. You can get into it more if that person is interested in knowing more. Otherwise, you're opening doors that don't yet need to be opened.
"I got some bad advice and made the mistake of following it. But I know it was a mistake. I hope it's not an irreparable one. Because there was so much more potential to explore. Can we please talk? (I'm ready to put my cards on the table.)"
What the above says is that you recognize your accountability for the change in the relationship and want to make it right. This is a good start to getting your second chance. The bit about putting your cards on the table is optional, depending on the relationship.
Why refer to bad advice? No matter why you ended the relationship, you probably talked to at least one person about it before initiating the break-up. That person, if a friend or relative, supported your decision by reinforcing it. Yes, it's true--people will tell you what you want to hear. That's not news. When you ask for love-advice from people who know you, that's what will happen. You won't get objective feedback, and somewhere inside, you knew that when seeking the advice to begin with. That's the mistake. Looking for justification for your decisions. But those people don't have to live with the consequences. So, in reality, their opinion has very little weight.
Expect the response to be anything from "Fuck you" to "What took you so long?" to both. Don't be surprised if, at first, you hear nothing. Give it a few days. If you don't hear after a week, you can forward your previous response with a brief, "Not sure you got this. If you did and aren't interested in talking, I understand, but wanted to make sure you received my message." That basically translates as a good faith gesture--a good thing. If you still don't hear back, know you did everything in your power to reconnect. But what about sending flowers, or something like a balloon-a-gram? Or maybe surprising her/him at work/home/gym? If you ended things and haven't spoken in over a month, your someone special may have moved on. Sending flowers or balloons or surprising them at home, work, or the gym is not only overkill, it's creepy. Be patient. Even if you don't hear back right away, you've opened a closed door. Opportunity is bound to appear.
With any luck, your olive branch will be accepted. If you get a positive response to your initial message--don't get pushy--take it slow. Ask to meet for lunch or coffee. Avoid dinner--it's too much like a date and may send the wrong message. When you do meet, be sure to give a brief hug to that person if amenable; it will reinforce that you care without appearing too clingy. Keep that first meeting to under two hours. And even if you both want to kick things up a notch, don't be tempted by the draw of intimacy. In other words, no fucking! This is a second chance. You want things to be different. Rushing it always makes a mess (I have some experience there, unfortunately). Before you end, ask if you can call or text in the next day or two. And actually follow up. Express the desire to see them again. Hopefully, your connection will be even stronger than it was before the break-up. Because now, you'll each appreciate the other all the more.
Remember, #LOVE always wins. So if you're considering asking for a second chance--go for it! You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain....
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