Some mistakes, like a nagging case of herpes simplex, just keep coming back. It's crushing, particularly if you've really worked at it. But like yesterday's blog entry, failure is fertile ground for even greater success. I suppose what bothers me most is how easily damaged I am after my 2009; I resent it--the damage unnecessarily caused by individuals--causing me pain and creating difficulty for no other discernable reason except that I am different. I will still overcome, despite it all. And yes, I am stating that as much as a self-affirmation as a supportive proclamation to any of you who have also suffered.
So, my fears addressed yesterday have been reinforced a bit. It's like the fear of falling--just like it, actually. We're all born with it. And for the rest of our human existence, we are haunted by that fear: Fear of physically falling, fear of emotionally falling, fear of professionally falling...you get the idea. I never feel like I will fall but I always fear it will happen anyway--and of course, when it does...ouch. But taking my own advice, and perhaps now, moving with almost automatic precision, I've already gotten myself vertical, dusted off the lingering disappointment, and started to put one unsteady foot in front of the other.
A confession? Sometimes, I wish I had the luxury of lingering on the ground after a fall. Lingering is actually hopeful, you know. There's no rush to get up when you feel longevity. I hope for longevity, like I hoped this most recent disappointment would not happen. But as much as I hope, wish, pray, and dream, I can't change my medical history. I apparently can't change other past disadvantages either.
My students would call this a "FML" moment; I'd say, despite the coarser linguistic usage, it is still a very apt observation. There will be acceptances in my future as well; many more acceptances than rejections. But the first is always the hardest. I thought today, too, what if...? If I'd gotten the news I supposedly hoped for, what would I have done with it? In the long run, would it have mattered? Probably not. Realistically, I would not have been able to have accepted that acceptance. Realistically, there are few acceptances I truly need to receive--they are the important ones; they are, ironically, important because of my PAST.
Einstein talked about the spacetime continuum in his theory called Special Relativity. Part of what he discusses is how past, present and future all exist at once in the spacetime "loaf." I study physics as a hobby; I know the theory well for an amateur physicist. So it's ironic that I am so admittedly surprised that my past is holding me back in my future. My past also launched me forward through space at an incredible velocity. Inertia is a funny thing. Maybe I don't so much have the courage I described in an earlier entry but instead, am only experiencing the inertia set in motion by my past. In other words, I'm not even making the choice to continue moving forward--it's simply a law of physics. Given that natural law, a natural order follows.
Certainly something to keep thinking about. If true, then Destiny takes on a whole new physical role, doesn't it?
Well, my word-worthy friends, stay healthy; know that no matter what happened in your past, though it still exists in the continuum, you can acheive greatness--in fact, what may look like a detriment, can be the very thing that facilitates your future.