It's funny but, only people who survive this world get to have the last word. Doesn't it make you wonder how those people seem to "survive" when others--more worthy of breathing--don't?
I use kindness in my every day life, even to people who treat me like I don't matter. That's not stupidity--it's goodness. It's compassion. I look at your negativity and pity you. I try to be nice to you because, frankly, I know better. Know better than you. You're disconnected. Miserable. Ruthless. You isolate people. Use fear to control people. You do that because you yourself are fearful.
Every single day, I pray for the strength to continue on. To do good. I actually pray for the Universe to send me people who need my help. To protect those who are vulnerable to human evil...can you say the same?
The use of fear to control is a learned behavior. A vicious behavior. It's meant to destroy. Designed for it.
How does one continue to survive such tremendous negativity? The simple answer is, you don't. If you do not kill yourself (which is what the people who try to control you want), then, in time, they will find a way to kill you themselves. One way or another....
It's a sad conclusion. And, I wish that I could write something more upbeat for you all. But the truth is the truth. I'm a woman, and from the moment I drew breath, men judged me, hated me, assigned me characteristics and traits based on their disconnects, not mine. I don't know how it is that men have a higher rate of suicide, except to say that when a woman chooses to die, a man comes along and removes her agency. Yet again.
I see people who smoke or do drugs or drink and wonder why. Why would you want to hurt yourself? But, those people are not trying to hurt themselves--they're trying to heal. They're surviving. The only way they can. Yet, people still look at addicts and nod their head. But maybe the addicts are smarter than people like me. A woman using her voice and talents to help others, a woman who only wants joy, love, and a peaceful life--but for every good deed I do, another human punishes me. Simply for existing.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to realize that the people you care for would prefer you to die? To just be gone??? It's not pleasant. And, it's not necessary. It's just meanness. People who hold on to anger and negativity do so because they get a reward from it in some way. It makes them feel valid. I do not choose to exist as a target for you to validate your fears. To hold on to imagined slights. To blame me for your disconnects. I do not exist for that purpose. If I were created for that, I would not have been made human. I would not have been given creativity, intelligence, or sensitivity. Strangers love me. It's not because they don't know me either. I engage openly with strangers on a regular basis. Like my grandmother before me, I make friends everywhere I go, no matter where I am. Do you???
How do those sinners live with themselves, taking my gifts, my kindness, my generosity, then deciding when it's your turn to reciprocate or pay me back, that I'm suddenly not worthy??? Patriarchal attitudes toward women don't just apply to the wider world; the hegemonic discourse infects our every day lives as well.
How do you beat that kind of pervasive system? A system that has been in place since humanity was living in trees....
You heard it hear first...when my new book series comes out and begins to sell, every single one of the people who have injured me, insulted me, used me, abused me, tortured me, and generally made my life miserable will suddenly become the sycophants. I won't be discarded anymore. I won't be used as their punching bag. I'll be "loved" and "cherished" and made to feel like I belong. But it will all be a lie. A disgusting lie. I think it may be the reason that I have delayed publishing my books. I'm not afraid of success; I've succeeded at everything I ever tried to do. I'm not afraid of failure either--not when I've lived through all that I have. But I am afraid of you. Of seeing that transformation, the one where my value is only recognized because of a bunch of relatively meaningless green paper.
Before awakening, I used to think in terms of destruction. Fangs and claws, strength and weakness. But, even then, I never thought offensively. It was always in terms of self-defense. Now, I just want to leave all the negativity behind. While the Earth is beautiful and full of magic and wonder, the negativity of humans destroys any chance at having real peace.
Self-righteousness. Judgment. Anger at even the dead for dying. One simply cannot win with this lot. When it is "lucky" to be born in a country where you can be 80% sure you won't be sold into sex slavery, there's a MAJOR problem....
Apparently, living a "normal" life was too much to ask. So, I've stopped asking. But I cry every day because I don't understand why people are so cruel. Incredibly cruel. Accepting material gifts from me, but still finding ways to not accept me, is a far-cry from kindness. It baffles when people know what I have survived, yet still treat me with disrespect. With derision. How dare you. You breathe without having had to earn what is a total privilege. You walk simply because you want to and you can. That is not the case for me. Every effort I make for others is twice as meaningful because it is twice as hard. That alone deserves your respect. I earned my life...you haven't. You'd do well to remember that fact when you proceed to judge me.
I once wrote a novel about a woman born to this Earth to judge humanity. I never published it. But, I'm wondering now, at 3:33am, if I got that idea because that woman is me. And, it is my job to experience the absolute worst of humanity. Why? So I might make a report back to the ultimate CEO. Explain who you all are.
I believe in you, so, so much. Why is it you cannot believe in yourselves? Why must you always choose negativity? Why do you need to practically die to be eager and grateful? Why do you use fear to hurt the people you love? To control people who would die for you?
And, can you please stop. Please be kinder. Please use compassion instead of judgment. Stop being so negative. You are killing people like me. There aren't many of us left anymore, you know.
I weep for you. And I weep for me. I so love this life. There is art in everything, everywhere. How do you not see it and bow to the miracles all around you? How do you not see it???
I've survived you all. But I have not thrived. It has taken every ounce of my energy just to exist...but instead of the people who "love" me cherishing my life, I'm treated like an enemy. Absolutely nothing I do matters. I often think the best thing I could do is die, so you all can feel justified in your hatred. So you can finally rewrite history. So you can continue to hold on to your anger.
If you want to be weak, you will be weak. I am strong. And, I will not apologize for being stronger than you. I will not let you vilify me, or turn me into the reason for your failures. Your failures are failures because, instead of looking for solutions, you seek problems. You are disconnected from your own souls. In the brief moments where you are not, you become distracted. Because, you want to be. You see, if you embraced positive energy, you could no longer blame others for your misery. That means, in order to be happy...you'd have to be self-responsible. Blaming me seems easier, but happiness is easy. It's fun, too.
Please pray with me. Pray that humanity can wake-the-fuck-up. Pray that ego and pride is used constructively--to build confidence in the self and others. Let's collectively meditate on what life will be like when people are kinder, gentler and more compassionate.
Here's a few questions to get you started:
When you go to a drive-thru, what do you say? Do you just bark orders??? Or, do you take a moment to greet the disembodied voice and ask about their day??? Just because a person works at a drive-thru does not make them less valuable. We all crave acknowledgement. It costs you nothing to give the gift of acknowledgement to another human being.
When you meet a stranger, are you mindful enough to smile, to remember their name, to compliment them on their appearance and talents? Or, do you just do the bare minimum, forgetting their name, and acting aloof otherwise to avoid having to actually make another person feel good? That's not just a sign of apathy, it means you are not well. If you feel bad about yourself, you will try to foster that in others. If you feel good on the inside, you turn that outward as well.
When a person outside of your gene pool repeatedly takes time to interact with your children and enrich their lives, do you thank her...or do you expect her to thank you? Do you remember the person who remembers you and your family on birthdays, etc.? Or, do you pretend you are somehow entitled??? Nobility, and the person who gives of herself, her time and her resources, a peasant paying you homage???
I don't know what tomorrow may bring. Except more cruelty. More difficulty. More adversity. That, I can count on. But I will keep praying for humanity. I will keep believing. Even if it kills me. And, it will.