My soul was on fire for so long. And now, it's starting to accept burning as part of every day life. As "normal." Whatever that means. It no longer searches. It no longer rebels. Pain is just a part of it. Of us. Me. And "we" are numb.
I very much wanted to communicate my fire. To another soul. It hears me. Yet it fears me. I did nothing but #love for my losses. That love is fierce to be sure. But it's nothing to fear. All I wanted was reassurance. The only reassurance I've gotten, however, is an echoing silence in what feels like an endless tunnel of night. Laughter follows tears at the thought.
Irony isn't as hard to accept as reality.
Sometimes, I feel as though I'm being watched by invisible eyes. A song will suddenly be in my head from out of nowhere at the oddest time of the day, and I wonder if it's a message. Like the fireball in the sky. Or the dragonflies. Or Red Tail. It feels like all I do is spend my days searching for a response. For answers. Wandering the Earth. Looking for that which does not wish to be found. And in our world of opposites, an attempt to disappear is merely a cry for help.. To be saved. From obscurity.
Extremity is always the language of desperation. Oedipal. In the literary sense. The ultimate conundrum. The more you attempt to avoid your fate, the closer you get to it.
Whether my words fully reach the one soul they are truly for, it matters not. There are many listening. I only need one. To heal mine. The pain of loss will be so diminished, it will almost be as if it never existed. Almost. That's my prayer anyway.
Truth be told, I don't yet know. I don't know many things. But like when day moves into night, and only a glimpse of the stars is visible, as long as I keep looking up, I will find that which I seek. Yearn for. Die a thousand deaths for. Come back to life for. Again. And, again. And, again. And, again.
Infinity has no edge; I do. And when the Sun explodes, I shall replace her, my beloved mother. I will burn bright. Create life. Bring warmth. Peace. Joy. Happiness. I am here to learn. About you. About me.
Pain that has a beginning also has an end.
I will cry again. Probably tomorrow. And many times thereafter. But I will also feel gratitude just as often. When I lose faith for the umpteenth time, a stranger from Baltimore will miraculously restore it. Heartily so. With a warmth and dignity I've only witnessed from those of us shunned by society. Other voices will join in, too. Momentum will take over.
My mind, my heart, and my soul will be whole again. Despite my stubborn hold on the fractured pieces. You see, something I hold dear is contained within those broken shards. And I do not want to forget it. But I will be happy. One day. In myself. With myself. For myself.
I wish the same for you, my dear readers. With few exceptions. And yes, there are exceptions. Unapologetically so. You all, well...you're on your own.
Good night, you Princes of the Universe...you Kings of Destiny. Until next time!
And, there will be a next time....
"Wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure." -Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist