What is a Svengali?

12/21/2014

The 1895 novel TRILBY by French author, George du Maurier (1834-1896), features the character, Svengali, a psychiatrist who completely controls a young innocent through manipulation that spans gentle flattery to outright bullying and everywhere in between. Today, the term "svengali" refers to a person who uses emotional abuse to control another (usually someone younger, creative and innocent/naïve) through manipulation in much the same way as du Maurier's character.

The popular 1990's television show, Seinfeld, used the term "svengali" in an episode where Elaine, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, is dating her psychiatrist. He is controlling her and she knows it. But every time she tries to end the relationship, he talks her out of it. Manipulates her. She tries to end it by introducing him to her new boyfriend. But her svengali manages to convince her boyfriend to break up with her! In the world of a sit-com, the premise is hysterical. In real life, svengalis ruin people's lives. And anybody those sad (and likely broken) individuals may be connected to.

Even if you've never heard of du Maurier or his novel before, we've all known our share of svengalis. People who bully us. Railroad us. Control us. Convince us that what we know to be wrong, is absolutely right. And there is something really wrong with us for thinking otherwise. Basically, a svengali holds you emotional hostage. The effect is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, where a captive develops love and loyalty for the person holding them against their will. A svengali can make your life hell. And even if you want to escape, unless you take on the svengali directly, which is obviously not easy, you will continuously be drawn back, entangled in their sticky, manipulative web.

So, what do you do? How do you approach a problem like this??? Especially if your svengali is a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner, or spouse.

The first question to ask yourself is, what is it costing you to remain in the relationship?

Are you able to pursue your dreams, or does your svengali shoot down your ideas before they're allowed to flourish?

How's your self-esteem? Your dignity? Has your svengali made you feel less valuable as a human being? As if you are unworthy of anything better? As if you do not deserve things like joy or happiness? And, if you were to achieve those things, does your svengali punish you for it, essentially attempting to sabotage your chance of escaping their negative hold on you?

Do you feel stuck? Like change is impossible so there's no point in trying?

Do you feel hopeless and helpless? Like your life is over and nothing you do or say matters or ever will matter???

What about your identity? Has your svengali twisted your sense of self to the extent that you've abandoned the principles that made you who you are?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above, its time to make a MAJOR change. No one who loves you should ever require you to subjugate yourself, your values or your dreams in any way. Real love raises you up, helps you become a better person. Helps you feel better about yourself. Helps you move toward realizing your dreams. Your svengali will say anything to convince you to agree to her terms; she will not relent, even if she promises otherwise. She will trick you by utilizing a push-pull behavior, making you feel rejected, then, accepted, over and over again until you crave her acceptance above all else. In order to break free, you have to be strong enough to recognize your svengali's patterns. You also have to recognize your responsibility in the situation. And forgive yourself when you do. While you may have contributed to your svengali's control over you and your life, once you recognize this, and take pains to remove yourself, you will be free--but only if you stay the course. In order to do that, you must believe you deserve the things your svengali has convinced you are outside of your reach.

It's easy for someone we love to manipulate us. But anyone who manipulates does not really know how to love. You are worth the effort it will take to find real love. Even if the prospect of being alone is daunting. Ask yourself how your behavior and attitude enables your svengali to take control. If you can identify your disconnects, you can begin to make the changes you need to reclaim your life and regain personal agency in what is an otherwise lop-sided relationship.

By giving in to a svengali's emotional extortion, you are cheating yourself out of a better life. Is keeping the peace worth your hopes and dreams? Is it worth sacrificing the joy, happiness, peace, and love a supportive relationship can bring?

While the answers to these questions may seem obvious, breaking free from a svengali is not. A svengali controls. She will ignore you, make you feel worthless, until she needs you. Then, she comes back to you bearing gifts, giving you the attention you crave, and generally sweet-talking you. It's one of the oldest seductions in the book. And both men and women seem to enjoy it at some point in their lives:

"You don't want me??? Oh, baby, I want you so much more now. Because when I get you to want me again, it will be so much more satisfying, too."

The problem with thinking this way is that it perpetuates vulnerability, not strength. Relationships are better as equal partnerships. More satisfying. More supportive. And more loving. In an equal partnership, there is very little drama. Because an equal partnership requires a certain level of maturity. Maturity does not mean things have to be serious or boring. Just the opposite, actually. A mature relationship provides a stable foundation from which both partners can evolve and grow together. That's the stuff a lifetime romance is made of. Because equal partnerships also make for really, really, really *hawt* sex...the kind of sex that involves plaid skirts and lollipops. Yeah, THAT kind of sex.

So if you have a svengali partner, boss, parent, spouse, or friend, it's time to cut the cord. 2015 is right around the corner. End the cycle of abuse and drama and start fresh in the new year. You owe it to yourself to find the stability you need--and deserve--to move your life in the direction you want. Don't cheat yourself out of happiness and joy, peace and love for a moment longer. Because no one else can help you if you don't first help yourself.

You can do this! I believe in you....

27 Comments

jenica

10/16/2016 12:59:27 pm

Thank you for this article. My son has been seduced by a Svengali. His father died and left him a small fortune.A man came into his life 3 and half months ago and has spun his life into a tailspin.Svengali now has control of the Family Trust that was given to my son. This article helped me see the situation much more clearly. A great help.

KIndly, Jenica

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

3/28/2017 05:35:33 am

Dear Jenica:

Let me first say how sorry I am to hear you are dealing with any negativity. As a mother myself, I understand how hard it is to see people take advantage of your adult-child.

You may want to read more about Narcissism, part of what is known as the Dark Triad in Psychology, along with Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that shares traits with sociopathy. Thanks to technology, narcissism is on the rise. It's built in to our very culture.

Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know you found my words helpful. I hope things resolve with your son and send you positive energy as you continue on your path.

Best wishes--
Rebecca

Cheryl Wood

8/4/2020 04:14:03 am

Great article. Very clear and straight to the point. There are many people in the world who know how to manipulate others. It's a shame they lack the esteem to build their own lives without dominating another.

Desmond Brown link

11/19/2016 11:59:46 pm

I went to a church to pick up a thanking turkey I had
.While at the church a female spoke well about the Pastor. But as I was putting my turkey in my case as I was kneeling down the guy langue at me while I was kneeling down. And the church people look on.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

11/16/2017 12:42:41 pm

Dear Desmond:

Thank you for your comment. So sorry to read of your difficulty. Sending you positive energy, strength, healing, renewal, peace, and joy.

Best wishes--
Rebecca

very goog advice i would only add one thing. Cut it at rhe source and dont i repeat DO NOT give svengali an opurtunity to reemerge. Cut Them Out

2/16/2017 07:01:48 pm

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

11/16/2017 12:40:07 pm

Thank you for your comment. Yes, unfortunately, narcissists tend to create codependency in relationships. Like any addiction, one must remove themselves. The insidious nature of abuse is that, once you are made vulnerable by your abuser, you will always be vulnerable to your abuser. That means that your abuser will always be in control, even if 1,000 miles away. Only through self-empowerment, like education, regular exercise, meditation, and things like talk therapy, does a victim of abuse have hope of regaining the reigns on your life journey.

Laura

3/27/2017 08:49:19 am

What do I do since this Svengali is my mother?

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

3/28/2017 04:50:54 am

Dear Laura: Let me first say how sorry I am that you are dealing with any negative energy; it wears on the spirit. But we need to remember that energy is what we make of it. I use negative energy as a springboard for positives. You can, too.

I grew up with narcissists. If I said the sky was blue I was told it was red and made to feel crazy if I refused to agree. That even applied to my eye color; my eyes are light brown with green at the center, more hazel than anything else, yet I was told my eyes were "dark brown, almost black." Do you know that I didn't see the true color of my own eyes until someone told me my "green" eyes were beautiful? I was in my mid-30's and it was the first time I was able to recognize my true eye color.

Sometimes, the people closest to us provide the biggest obstacles because we are emotionally and/or physically and/or financially vulnerable to them. The best way I found to deal with this is through self-empowerment. Find ways to expand your social circle. Nurture your talents by looking into community classes on whatever your interests are. And, make yourself physically stronger. Maybe that's through joining a local sports team, or gym, or simply finding ways to walk, run, or hike in nature.

If you continue to improve your mind, body and spirit, you can overcome any negativity thrown your way.

Sending you positive energy! #StayUplifted

Rebecca

Wanda

4/5/2017 11:07:18 pm

My svengali is my son. I no longer can endure or hold the pain in my ❤. I see the abuse in closer magnification. I knew manipulation was there but you put in better perspective.. I am planning an escape a huge emotional seperation that must be permanent.My voice was heard. Please comment on mother and son domestic violence.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

11/16/2017 12:28:26 pm

Dear Wanda:

I am so sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation. If you have family or friends to confide in, I recommend doing so. I'd also recommend you consider talking to your physician; a doctor can recommend services that might help, like having a social worker come and talk to both you and your son. You may wish to consider talking to a psychologist on your own and continue with talk therapy until things stabilize.

Sending prayers, positive energy, light, luck, healing, and peace.

Best wishes--
Rebecca

Anna Brown

4/26/2017 07:17:21 pm

What an AWESOME article.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

11/16/2017 12:10:17 pm

Dear Anna:

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work. Humbled by, and grateful for, your kind words. Sending positive energy, light, peace, and joy.

Best,
Rebecca

Cheryl

11/19/2017 07:15:26 pm

Hello Rebecca~

I am 64 years old. But when I was 14 a 'Svengali' - who was my best friend's older brother - entered my life, seduced me and held control over me for 3 years until I was finally able to say no to him (I have no idea why or how) and 'get my life back.' In quotes because it has never really felt like I have, even 50 years later achieved that. I kept a journal from that time when I was 14, and have periodically re-read it over the years, having a never-ending need to return to 'the scene of the crime,' so to speak, hoping to solve or resolve it. It feels kind of like it's just turned into some kind of ghost story now, and I can so relate to how you described it - even if they are 1000 miles away from you, they still have a hold - even 50 years later too! Ten years ago when I was 55 and then it was 40 years later, I wanted to contact him, to talk to him, to try to make sense of it, achieve some resolution, I rationalized. I googled him, found where he lived, wrote letters (that I didn't send, thank God). My counselor, luckily advised very strongly against it. See how the pull was still there. How I still could not see straight about it. Now, 10 years later again - still trying to resolve it.
It feels like it happened yesterday.

Recently I started my own memoir writing group. I know that journal writing is very therapeutic, but I've learned since that writing your story/memoir is an even deeper healing method. Reviewing old journals I learned, is a very good way to jump start the process. So where did I go first to begin writing my healing story? To the Svengali and his life long retarding, altering effect on my life, of course. Tonight during our group I decided to look up the term "svengali," for more clarity because it's what I've always called him. So I found your post. It has helped me gain much more clarity and understanding about 'svengali' and myself, so thank you so much.

I've also recently begun trauma oriented counseling, and am about to start EMDR therapy. The way this therapy reportedly works is by reorganizing the way you process your memories, discharging the past emotional charge from them that remains and keeps you stuck there. Afterwards you still remember, but the emotional charge is no longer there. I am looking forward to seeing and experiencing if or how it will work for me.

Thank you for sharing some of your own personal story Rebecca - it helps a lot by making you more human, relating from experience, not just science or evaluation or opinion.

This has been very helpful for me to be able to write this little post and have a place to express it to someone, and I hope my little story might help or inspire someone else who might read it.

Thanks again and best wishes ~
Cheryl

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

11/20/2017 04:30:55 pm

Dear Cheryl:

I am so sorry to read of your struggles. Fourteen is a very impressionable age; it's not surprising the experience has stuck with you. The therapy you mentioned sounds wonderful. Sending you prayers that it works for you and you can move on.

As women, we are made vulnerable on a consistent basis. We are victimized, but never have to be victims. Your perspective is invaluable to current and future readers--thank you for sharing it. I applaud your courage and your will to carry on in the face of all you have experienced.

Any trauma tends to stay with us. Trauma comes from abuse. Sadly, our abusers cannot give us the closure we need. It's hard to understand from our perspective since whatever happened is something we can never forget, but from an abuser's perspective, forgetting is beneficial--necessary, even. How can they live with themselves otherwise? They can't. Researchers call it "unethical amnesia." The basic idea is that people who hurt others tend to rewrite that history. Change details. That way, they're not really at fault. With enough time and distance, an abuser actually forgets about their unethical behavior. Because, in their minds, it wasn't abuse--it was a "mistake." Maybe not even theirs. Blame-shifting is common. Mental illness is pervasive in that way.

I used to feel like you--that, if I could just talk to my abuser, I'd get closure. But then, I realized that anyone who hurt me to that extent is totally incapable of also healing me.

Each time we are brought low, whatever we know to be the defining trauma in our lives--even if it happened decades earlier--becomes fresh all over again. It's important for the readers out there to see how negative behavior truly hurts people's lives, for the expanse of their lives.

One of my abusers turned my life into a living nightmare. But what I learned about his life before he interrupted mine was pretty horrific. None of what I learned made what he did to me okay. It just provided much needed context on my end, answering the question I would have asked him if I could have: "Why?"

The thing is, this person could have never told me why. He himself acted as he did because he completely lacks self-awareness. He's reactive, not proactive. People who are not in control of their own create drama or chaos as a substitute for the agency that escapes them in their everyday life. It is quite a discovery to learn that those who made us vulnerable did so because they, too, were made vulnerable.

Though we may never forget, we can forgive ourselves and rise above the trauma. Grace is all that remains in the face of past abuse we do not wish to unwittingly perpetuate.

Sending you positive energy, light, luck, protection, healing, renewal, peace, and joy....

Best wishes--
Rebecca

Vanessa

7/21/2019 05:53:00 am

Cheryl, I know this comment comes two year later, but I found your message so compelling. Like you, I have had a svengali experience, and like you, i am interested in the many ways to process it - because it stays.

Both this amazing article and your message have been an unexpected light on the hill.

Thank you both x

Cheryl

8/6/2019 07:40:03 pm

Vanessa, thank you so much for your comments about my personal story on my 3 yr Svengali experience at age 14. I was very pleased to know it helped someone 2 years later and may help someone else in future as well.

Writing that post was deeply therapeutic for me, and re-reading it is too, and I thank Rebecca so much for providing a place for it.

But the experience, as you and she say, does stay. I recently read a description of a writing course called Writing the Story That Never Leaves You Alone. Even almost 2 yrs after writing the post, I still feel the same even with intensive therapy. I haven't completely processed this story quite yet, but have worked on quite a lot of other parts of my self and psyche, which provides clues to why I was so set up for it to happen to begin with. But nevertheless I still need to be brought back to reality with my therapist regarding why contacting the person is highly unlikely to bring the resolution I seek.

Thank you again for your comments and feedback on how my post helped you. That helps me too.

Most sincerely ~ Cheryl

Judy Lincoln

5/20/2018 03:55:29 pm

Do Svengalis pick and choose whom they manipulate, like seem normal to friends but manipulate family? I feel like I'm living in Taming of the Shrew. Discussions of problems are delayed of have a 24-hour time limit on them, after that they are off the table.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

1/18/2019 07:31:26 am

Dear Judy:

It sounds like you are dealing with a controlling individual. Narcissists are high-functioning and often seem like “amazing people” to the outside world but treat those who are vulnerable to them in abusive ways. What you describe is consistent with a malignant or overt narcissist. Please be careful. I recommend you see a therapist regularly—a third party who can record your experiences can be an important ally.

Sending positive energy and peace--
RAH

pseudo-intellectual

7/1/2018 07:19:53 pm

Fantastic article, though I found it 3 years later.

Describes in perfect detail what my brother is going through with a "lady" friend.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

1/18/2019 07:33:38 am

Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you found the material helpful.

Sending positive energy your way--
RAH

Tony

1/16/2019 09:13:00 pm

Wow. Stumbled on this by accident and it is resonating with me. I am taking stock of my own past behavior and my role in relationships where these behaviour patterns were present. The information I have gleaned is really helping me look at my current relationship and seeing that I have been acting in ways that show I am being manipulated and not moving towards my own goals. My eyes are open and can now work on changing my reactions to behaviour exhibited towards me as well as work towards removing myself from this unequal unrewarding and ultimately unhappy partnership. Thank you.

Dr. Rebecca Housel link

1/18/2019 07:38:17 am

Dear Tony:

Thank you for your comment. Forgive yourself if progress to disentangle from a narcissist/Svengali is slow. Be patient with yourself and take time to acknowledge your feelings by working with a psychologist in talk therapy—it helps reduce ptsd of emotional trauma, but can be a frustrating process if you are not working with the right professional.

Sending positive energy, peace and light your way....

Best--
RAH

Eleanor

5/28/2019 04:57:53 am

So glad I stumbled across this article. It was like someone had written down exactly what the past 2 and a half years have been with a man 17 years older than myself.

I know what I need to do, every day it gets harder to break free. I've tried to leave once before but ended up having to call the police on him and he was charged with multiple offences. He became "reasonable" and because he said to me although he admitted in his police interview he was guilty, he would plead not guilty just to see my face in court, so I dropped the charges.

The relationship has started again but I am scared for a repeat of what happened at the start of the year if I try and leave. I know I am weak for relenting but this article has certainly helped, thank you!

Scot

7/23/2019 05:17:12 am

Fantastic article.
I ran across the term Svengali just recently. I think my older brother was my Svengali growing up. When we were little we played together but during our teenage years he treated me like something to ridicule in front of his friends.
Now I’m 51 years old and I’m only now coming to terms with all this. I am doing some “original pain” and “inner child” work together with a therapist.

I think your analytical mind thinks that it was such a long time ago, but for your emotional mind it’s like it was only yesterday.

Rebecca C.

4/28/2022 12:21:57 pm

Unfortunately I know this pain all too well..
yet I also understand the healing side, the scarring side, the relief (if it ever comes)
and how to use this empathetically/sympathetically... to help others (this is the best result I feel) to use the "shared pain" to help others cope.. is sometimes the best we can do with the bad memories.
I applaud your work, and hope you flourish in the future Rebecca.

Regards,
Rebecca C.

Janette Little

6/10/2023 01:37:51 pm

I’m 65 and have been married to my Svengali for 40 years. I feel like I was totally groomed from my physically abusive parents home into his life. He used my depression until I wanted to kill myself, but thought of our two now grown children and realized I’d be leaving them to his power even more. It took hitting that bottom to bring me out of the dark cave of denial.

I just want you to know that the article I’m responding to, which you wrote nearly 20 years ago, is still powerful. Thank you for helping many of us to see the light of truth.

You’re so right, no matter how many times they say they love us, they have never known what love is.

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About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

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