Memory seizes the mind. Maybe it's a smell, a familiar whiff of perfume. Or, the delicate taste of toffee pudding with whipped cream and caramel sauce lingering on the tip of your tongue. Perhaps it's a place that jogs loose the thought of a tender kiss--soft pink lips pressed on yours as hands slide on silken skin to clasp fingers, now intertwined.

Does it make you weep, too? The memories, so sweet, you can barely believe it possible. But it is possible. It happened. It was real. Even if it sometimes feels more akin to a dream, the kind you never want to wake up from....

Incredible how love that pure doesn't hurt. It holds you tightly to its chest in such a way as not to forget the moment...the last before love walks across the hall, only to knock on your door again within hours. Love writes you notes of affection, slipping it under the threshold while you're away, asking you to dance, to sing, to laugh, to whisper, and to sigh a million little sighs all over again.

As a physical being, one may miss love when not in physical contact. But love that's pure is like a channel, the current of which carries you--your body, suspended in light and warmth. Like when the tide ushers welcome waters from the Gulf into the cold Atlantic off of Cape Cod. You're surrounded by the most glorious crystalline sensation. It's as though you are a molecule in a vast ocean of molecules, moving together, a constant stream of consciousness flowing between you. That's love. The real kind. Pure. Natural. Sunshine on your skin, kissing your hair golden blonde. When love smiles, it crinkles and creases the corners of your eyes. Tears of joy trail a watery map to happiness down your cheeks. Love is the compulsion to write, to express, to create--because you can. Because, your every thought hovers in the wanton winds of close margins, impregnated with unmitigated love.

Love is the Universe in a single sigh. It's your tongue dropping from the roof of your mouth, shoulders relaxed. It's a deep breath before closing your eyes and seeing the person who is your person, gazing back at you. In a tub made for two. You catch a glimpse of the stolen moment through the hole love pierces in spacetime. Just for you. Just so you'd know that the future is not just bright, it's brilliant. Epic. Better than you could have ever imagined or dreamed or hoped for. So is the person who embodies that love for you. Golden, glowing, and slightly out of breath from trying to catch you before you slip through yet another door. An hour or so later, you walk through the doors of time together. As you did before. And as you will again. 

A beloved gift of divinity. It's you. It's me. It's we. 

Until I see you again....

#AKissGoodnight 

Kissin U

​Miranda Cosgrove

Sparks fly
It's like electricity
I might die
When I forget how to breathe
You get closer and there's
Nowhere in this world I'd rather be
Time stops
Like everything around me
It's frozen
And nothing matters but these
Few moments when you open my mind to things
I've never seen
'Cause when I'm kissin' you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissin' you
When I'm kissin' you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I'm asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissin' you
Past loves
They never got very far
Walls up
Made sure I'm guarding my heart
And I promised I wouldn't do this
'Til I knew it was right for me
But no one (no one)
No guy that I met before
Could make me (make me)
Feel so right and secure
And have you noticed
I lose my focus
And the world around me disappears
'Cause when I'm kissin' you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissin' you
When I'm kissin' you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissin' you
I've never felt nothing like this
You're making me open up
No point in even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it's love
'Cause when I'm kissin' you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissin' you
When I'm kissin' you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissin' you

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Claude Kelly / Lukasz Gottwald
Kissin U lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Tomorrow is #StandUp2Cancer day. I was in my mid-teens when I began to experience the first symptoms of brain cancer. Ten years after my initial diagnosis and treatment, I had a recurrence, but as an adult and grad student, was better equipped to advocate for myself. I knew more and so, could make more informed choices. That's why 18 years later, despite receiving a two-year prognosis, I'm still cancer-free.

In the past, I've organized "Survive and Thrive" walks to help local cancer patients in New York defer clinically-based costs not covered by health insurance. But this year, thanks to Shannon Guyton, I'm collaborating with 7Cups.com (and Lady Gaga!) to help people dealing with a cancer diagnosis feel less alone, reminding them there is hope. Because, there is. 

7Cups.com has been recognized by The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, and USA Today for helping more than 25-million people, partly through a free 24/7 chat feature staffed by professional listeners, as well as 180 qualified therapists available for online (and very affordable) therapy. If interacting isn't something you're looking for, you can chart your own self-help "growth path" through an array of online articles and advice from expert contributors...of which I am now honored to be among.

Cancer is not an easy disease to deal with. The consequences of treatment can irreparably alter your life. This kind of personal loss can create massive changes outside of the individual, effecting everything from employment to relationships. That's why I've partnered with 7Cups.com for #StandUp2Cancer--I want patients, their families and friends to know there is hope for long-term survival. You can read more about my survival story this month on 7Cups.com: 

www.7cups.com/experts/surviving-cancer-self-advocacy/

Please also check out my regular online column, "Survive Anything: How to Live Longer and Stronger," with Psychology Today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/rebecca-housel-phd

On #WorldMentalHealthDay, 10.10.19, you can find me with my Book Hub colleagues as we launch the third volume in the Mental Health for Millennials series--I not only edited the book dedicated to the subject of happiness, I also contributed a chapter on how the human brain (and our overall psychology) is affected by sex in relation to happiness. Other notable chapters include discussions on technology (Anna Gray), food (Cathy Fitzgibbon), music (Dr. Denise White), activities like yoga (Dr. Conor Hogan), as well as personal reflections on how to achieve happiness, despite mental health challenges like grief, loss, anxiety, and depression (Meghann Scully). 

Being a mental health advocate means volunteering your time to help support others. So far this year, I have donated more than 300 hours to mental health education and advocacy. Why? Because #MentalHealthMatters, If you go to a doctor 2-4 times a year to address your physical body, you should go to a licensed psychologist (Ph. D. in Psychology) or qualified therapist (Masters in Clinical Psychology) at least as often to keep your brain healthy, too.

7Cups.com was recognized by Stanford Medicine's "X Award" in 2016 thanks, in part, to  their 300,000-member volunteer community. Whether you're looking for support yourself, or want to get involved in advocating for mental health, 7Cups.com is a great place to start. 

Thank you to all my readers for your continued support. This month marks the 10-year anniversary of RebeccaHousel.com. It's a proud moment born from the ashes of professional cruelty and yet, by being proactive instead of reactive, the negatives have become a decade's worth of positives, helping more than 3,000,000 people from 150 countries around t he world to live their best lives. 

Until next time, dearest readers...be well! Stay safe. I'll talk to you soon.

​#RAH

Lights Down Low
​
Max Schneider

Heaven only knows where you've been
But I don't really need to know
I know where you're gonna go
On my heart, where you're resting your head
And you just look so beautiful
It's like you were an angel
Can I stop the flow of time?
Can I swim in your divine?
'Cause I don't think I'd ever leave this place
Oh, turn the lights turn the lights down low
Yeah, now I'm feeling you breathing slow
'Cause, baby, we're just reckless kids
Trying to find an island in the flood
Oh, turn the lights, turn the lights down low, oh
Under heavy skies in the rain
You're dancing in your bare feet
Just like we're in a movie
Grab my hand and we're chasing the train
I catch you looking back at me
Running through a cloud of steam
Can I stop the flow of time?
Can I swim in your divine?
'Cause I don't think I'd ever leave this place
Oh, turn the lights turn the lights down low
Yeah, now I'm feeling you breathing slow, oh
'Cause, baby, we're just reckless kids
Trying to find an island in the flood
Oh, turn the lights, turn the lights down low
And I will give you everything baby
But can you feel this energy? Take it
You can have the best of me baby
And I will give you anything
Can you feel this energy? Take it
You can have the best of me baby
Oh, turn the lights turn the lights down low
Yeah, now I'm feeling you breathing slow
Oh, turn the lights turn the lights down low
Yeah, now I'm feeling you breathing slow
'Cause, baby, we're just reckless kids
Trying to find an island in the flood
Oh, turn the lights, turn the lights down low, oh

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Liam O'donnell / Max Schneider / Nathaniel Motte
Lights Down Low lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

When it comes to love-relationships, things can get "complicated"....

But, what does that even mean???

I'll tell you what it means--it means that one party is conflicted. That "conflict" usually has to do with other attachments. Sometimes romantic, sometimes not. Regardless, the number one rule in ALL relationships is this:

PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT THEY WANT.

When someone really likes you, they will find every excuse TO BE WITH YOU--not the opposite. That said, it is hard to feel a connection yet have the person you share it with not fully appreciate what you have. No matter why the other party isn't all-in, the individual who is has an important question to answer:

WHAT ARE YOU WORTH???

Everyone deserves to be with a person who, at the very least, wants to be there. No relationship is perfect. But if you found someone who loves you, cares, and WANTS to be present in your life, don't take it for granted. Sadly, people do. And when they do, it may be time to make a graceful exit--at least from the romance. If your connection is based on mutual respect and friendship, even if the romance doesn't appear to be working out, you can still remain true blue, loyal friends. And, you never know! At some future point, things may eventually work out.

Maybe you're not looking for a commitment right now--you just want the chance to explore what you see as truly awesome possibilities?

Healthy relationships will progress, evolve, grow. But despite things like chemistry and common interests and goals, if the other person is being held back by another relationship outside of yours, you're pretty stuck. Until that other situation changes, nothing in yours ever can...nor ever will.

When people use the past as an excuse not to move forward, they're simply not ready. Even though you may not want things to end, staying with someone who's unwilling and/or unable to effect change may eventually sabotage your own happiness:

Every second you spend with a person who is not ready takes time away from you finding a person who is....

Feeling unworthy is almost always at the root of any avoidant behavior. Asociality is often the result of deep betrayal and rejection at some earlier stage of life. Asocial behavior is not the same as being anti-social--in fact, asocial people may, at times, appear to be the life of the party. Asociality basically means withdrawing from any social situation that requires concerted effort--it's a lack of motivation to engage in building relationships. There's also a general dismissal of the viability in any potentially meaningful relationship through unilateral decision-making--one-sided choices not based on facts, but based on convenient perceptions that match anticipated backlash for attempting something outside of the individual's comfort zone.

Asocial people create bubbles and/or put up walls to protect themselves from what they constantly expect from others: Rejection, pain and suffering. Asociality is common amidst people who grow up in war zones, high crime areas, or, parts of the world where there is constant conflict; it's also common in adult survivors of abuse. Something inside just kind of shuts off. You simply can't afford to care anymore. You want to though. Desperately. So, you'll try to connect with people outside of your bubble. But when push comes to shove, you'll likely choose the bubble by putting up impossible obstacles (aka walls) that no one can cross, no matter how much they love you and want you.

Even if utter happiness, joy and peace await you on the other side, when you have a survivor mentality, it's hard to let go of the familiar to take a risk on the unknown.

Believe me, I can relate....

I had a friend recently describe long-distance relationships as "torture." But, that's not true at all. In fact, nearly every meaningful relationship I've ever had started as a long-distance relationship. If proximity is an important factor in your love-relationships, you probably live in a rather insular world. In order to find people who are truly at your level, you definitely need to expand your circle. If  you don't, you'll always end up settling for less.

Maybe you think settling is okay...if you get, say, 3/5 things from your "list", it's better than nothing, right? 

No, it's not right. You'll end up hurting others in your attempts to "make up" for the things you both want and need: 

Good enough will never really be good enough.

Long-distance relationships are hard when you're a teenager, maybe even in your early 20's (when you lack the funds to hop on a plane). But once you're established in your career, live on your own, and are over 30, you can do whatever the fuck you want. That's one of the few benefits of adulting. Take advantage of it...because, life is short.

Skype and Whats App, as well as social media platforms like Instagram, allow for free calls, texts and even video chats. Amazon ships EVERYWHERE. If you have Prime, you'll get cheaper shipping for pretty much anything anywhere in the world. Like I said, long-distance isn't a real problem in this day and age. Flights to and from Australia are long and expensive, however, that's not the case if traveling between the States and Europe. I fly to Ireland/UK often. It's less distance from the Eastern US than flying to California. It's also pretty damn cheap--the average ticket on Aer Lingus is $500 from the States, but to and from Ireland? It's about $300! It costs me more to fly to Disney World or New Orleans. No joke.

When someone cares for you, they will not prioritize problems over you. Motivated people are solution-seekers, whereas the apathetic (or asocial) seek out obstacles (or, excuses/justifications)--that means there will ALWAYS be a reason things "won't work." It's negative psychology, which is equivalent to climbing uphill every single day of your life. Tough road. Unnecessarily so.  

Anticipating negatives is meant to sabotage a relationship. If your person is making excuses as to why things won't and/or can't work out, your romance was likely over before it even started. And, I'm sorry for it. Perhaps you knew that was the case but tried anyway--love will do that to you. But I applaud anyone willing to take those risks for real love. That's exactly WHY you deserve better than lukewarm-love. You deserve HAWT, PASSIONATE love AND sex! Yes, you do!!! 

If someone is really into you, they won't give up on you...for any reason. They'll fly thousand of miles, over land and sea, just to be with you for a few hours. They'll listen to your voice so closely, they will pick out the faintest Boston accent over a live band playing 10 feet away. They will not hide their feelings either--they'll steal a kiss in a crowded room in front of everyone. They'll hold your hand in public. They'll ride up with you in the elevator, too. If you get sick or need help, a person who cares will find ways to communicate that to you--even if s/he can't be there in person. Making calls, sending cards, flowers--if you're an adult over 30 with a job, it's easy to let people know you care.

Bottom line:

You can't lose what you don't have.

It's hard to accept that you were willing to invest time, money, energy, and effort into a person who's unwilling to do the same for you. But you are worthy of real love. You are worthy of it because you are willing to give it. Anyone willing to go the distance deserves a partner who can and will reciprocate. Period. There are no other arguments that can beat that fact. Yes, FACT.

When you are a giver, it's easy to be taken.  YOU MUST SPEAK UP! Tell your person how you feel. Start with how much you love them. If that's met with excuses instead of, "I love you, too," the ball is now in your court--not theirs. You are in control of your own destiny. Unlike fate, you don't wait for it--you CHOOSE it.

You, and only you, MAKE YOUR REALITY. Anyone who says different is overly invested in limits. You don't need people who hold you down and back--you need people who believe in you, who want to raise you up. You need those with the ability to open doors AND are effective enough to walk through them. I'm talking about someone who wants to make your life better and better and better simply because s/he can. 

Who wouldn't want that???

Manifest your dreams! Go for what you want--not by manipulating or obscuring facts--but by being straightforward. Be honest. By the way, honesty isn't a proclamation--it's simply being self-aware enough to value yourself and others.

True honesty means never expecting or asking more from other people than you are willing to give yourself.

In order to find victory in both life and love, you have to have the guts to put aside your fears and take action. Words are lovely. But they're meaningless in the long run.

Your actions dictate your happiness. 

Try not to forget that....

RAH

The One

Mary J. Blige

​
Uh huh (one)
Uh it's another (one)
I am the (one)
Darkchild (one)
Them other girl's you done been with
None of them got nothing on me
Hating on my style they ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga, look around; every dude wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Let me break it down if you don't get it, quality, I'm custom fitted,
I'ma say it again, dey ain't got nothing on me, nothing on me (me)
Way I walk, the way I talk, my swagga...boy you know every boss wanna have her
I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best, hey baby you need that
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Uh oh, OK I got these girls quite hype, only thing on right now, like a night light,
While my brother Wayne rockin' out like a white stripe, I'm a kill the game,
I'm the young money white night (white night) Yeah
Plus I'm looking for the right type cautious of a flood so I always lay the right pipe
West put me on the mart, keep life light plus I go hard for the women that I might wife
I put the ring on her index finger so if you wanna keep your girl please don't bring her
I bet that I'm the type of guy that she got a thing for,
You would block me but this ain't jinga
Yeah, and she someone I would work with, 
That's what I could tell from what she's showing on the surface.
I ain't saying that I'm requesting anyone 
That's perfect but I just need a woman that'll make it all worth it
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
Stop looking for it, looking for it, I'm the (one)
(hey I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm that) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her) Boy don't you know I'm the one,
(yea I'm her)
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
Knock, knock , knock, knock, knock,
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
This that knock, knock , knock, knock, knock
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one,
I'm the one, one, one, one, one, one

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Mary J Blige / Esther Dean / Aubrey Graham / Rodney Jerkins
The One lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Peermusic Publishing

Ken Reid is one of the funniest men alive. And that's no joke....

Turns out this native Bostonian, MC and stand-up comic is also a stand-up guy. Whether saving ducklings on Storrow Drive during rush hour, helping a (usually famous) friend in need, or adopting a very lucky dog from a shelter, Ken is the kind person you just don't meet very often anymore. Or, at all. Add in a killer sense of humor, love of scary movies, and a penchant for breakfast cereal, and you have one hilarious human. 

When Ken (aka the #TVGuidanceCounselor) invited me on his podcast, I was excited to hang out with the one and only curator of TV Guide history. He's had incredible guests on his show--like the talented Bonnie Hunt--and I'm honored to now be among them. Ken and I have actually interviewed many of the same folks, including Cassandra Peterson--though most fans know her as "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark." So it was a real blast (from the past, present and future) to chat with this eclectic, compassionate comedian, MC, musician, and fellow pop culture enthusiast.

"Rewriting (his) childhood" is at the heart of Ken Reid's love of nostalgia...and, limited-run breakfast cereals. I thought I was the only one buying up the special edition boxes of Star Wars cereal or pretty much anything with marshmallows, rainbows and unicorns. Cookie Crisp is also a favorite--anything I wanted as a kid but never got. That's part of what makes Ken so good at his job--he's insightful. 

Ken Reid sees the world differently, and that's what makes his podcast, comedy shows, and live interviews at places like Denver Comic Con (where you can see Ken live 5.31-6.2 in 2019!) so entertaining. In all his years of doing interviews with celebs, the only time Ken Reid has come close to shedding a tear was with Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast  Hellboy and Sons of Anarchy fame. The guest that got away, however, was another Ron...the late, great Ron Glass (1945-2016).

Ron Glass was a staple in the Whedonverse thanks to Joss Whedon's love of nostalgia--Ken, Joss and I all have that in common. Barney Miller was what got Ron his roles in Whedon projects like Serenity and Firefly. When Ron Glass called to me from backstage during a Firefly Panel in 2014, it was the first and only time I got seriously "faklempt" a la Mike Myers' Saturday Night Live (SNL) drag-character, Linda Richman. Why? Barney Miller was playing in the background when I was but a babe in Boston. Hearing Ron's voice had an unexpected psychological domino-effect I'll never forget.

Speaking of unforgettable, Ken Reid's work as a stand-up comic in Boston recently included MC-ing a night with 3 SNL greats: Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows and Chris Kattan (pictured below after their recent show with Ken--taken with Chris's iPhone at his request by Ken). Thanks to Ken's love of nostalgia, Pretty in Pink alum, Molly Ringwald, has even been on Ken's Comic Con couch. Btw, Ringwald is currently starring in Riverdale, which lost a 90210-nostalgia star near-and-dear to all 80's kids hearts, Luke Perry (1966-2019).

Side-note: Luke Perry co-starred in the first (and only) Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (1992), written by Joss Whedon. Interestingly, #TVGuidance Counselor just featured Tom Arnold as a guest--Tom Arnold was married to Roseanne Barr. One of the first paid gigs Joss Whedon ever worked on was the show, Roseanne, starring Roseanne Barr. Gotta love pop culture mythology! I know I do....

Ken Reid is witty, intelligent, and funny-as-hell. If you get a chance to see him live, don't hesitate. But if you don't frequent the Boston comedy scene and won't be in Denver at the end of this month, subscribe to Ken's #TVGuidanceCounselor podcast...I have to say, as the #PopCultureProfessor, I love listening to gems from Ken's archives, like the episode where Ken interviews Tracy Newman, writer of the Emmy-winning "The Puppy Episode" from Ellen, starring Ellen Degeneres.

#ICYMI: "The Puppy Episode" made TV, pop culture, and LGBTQIA history in 1997 as the first female-focused show to have an openly gay character AND star. I mean, you just can't find stuff like that anywhere else, making #TVGuidanceCounselor as unique as its creator and host. 

To listen to my episode of #TVGuidanceCouselor with Ken Reid for free, check out:
directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/8779133/tdest_id/499397

Ken Reid may not know what he'll be doing in 10 years, but I'm fairly certain he'll be the one in the hot seat as someone interviews him for his body of work. Crediting comedians like Bonnie Hunt, Bob Newhart and the entire cast of SCTV for his comedic chops, Ken Reid is one to watch, mainly because, he's one-in-a-million. 

Did you hear that, Winona Ryder??? One. In. A. Million. Have your people call Ken's people or risk #FOMO. We fans want the star of Beetlejuice, Heathers (recently featured in Riverdale), Mr. Deeds, Mermaids, and Stranger Things on #TVGuidanceCounselor!. You can talk about what it was like to be married to Keanu Reeves, whose next John Wick installment premieres on May 17th!!!

Until Winona gets savvy to the goodness that is Ken Reid, look for Ken and I at #FanExpo in August 2019 and Boston Sci Fi Film Fest in 2020. And, yes, we may be joined by a famous Buffy alum, but you didn't hear that from me! 

"Stay classy, San Diego!"​

​*photo credits: Ken Reid, Rebecca Housel, Joshua Pickering

This piece was originally called: 
​
"How To Be Happy Forever."

That's a big claim. But I can back up every word. The real reason for the change in title isn't because happiness is an impossible task--being happy "forever" is totally attainable. You just have to put those self-sabotaging tendencies aside.

​Easier said than done....

Self-sabotage derives from mental illness--that's a hard fact to recognize for those of us who are experts at hurting ourselves. And, yes, that includes me, too. People who regularly self-sabotage have likely suffered abuse or trauma, usually during childhood; this leads to future issues with things like addiction, maintaining intimacy/love relationships, and, reaching your full potential. You see, we often don't feel worthy of happiness (or love and success) because, at some point in our lives, we were taught that we were "problems," so did not (and do not) deserve happiness. Overcoming self-sabotage is therefore a life-long process. Every day is a new day full of new challenges; healing requires patience, one day at a time. Becoming self-aware (or increasing your mindfulness) is a crucial first step.

Self-sabotage is a destroyer. When you self-sabotage, you become a destroyer, too. But I want better for you. Whoever you are. Wherever you live. And, whatever you believe in. The only thing that matters to me is that you are alive. As long as you are alive, you have the chance to live your best life.

Let's take that chance...together:

The smile you see in my pic is there after surviving high-grade brain cancer multiple times in the last 28 years. Yes, you'd be right to assume that 28 years means the majority of my lifetime. Survival came at a very high price, too. Very high. I'm constantly being treated for health issues related to long-term survival, including more cancer...yet, I'm still smiling!  

No, I'm not delusional. I'm not in denial either. I'm just happy. On the inside. On the outside. Everywhere. Yes, I still cry. And yes, I can still get depressed--especially when someone creates unnecessary resistance or obstacles (aka drama). After all I've lived through, I lack patience for those who don't appreciate people more than problems. But, no matter what happens, my sense of being happy within myself is never diminished. And, I've lost pretty much everything a person can lose, except my life. I even lost a child...it was far worse than cancer. So much worse. My biggest tool in maintaining my happiness-factor throughout it all is consistency. Sounds too simple, right? The best solutions usually are.

Let me explain:

Consistency isn't about doing the same things over and over again. Consistency is about understanding that YOU are the only person who has authority over your life. People can treat you like utter garbage, but if you are consistent, you'll know for yourself that how people treat you is not a reflection of who you are--it's a reflection of who they are! How you treat others is the best reflection of you as an individual. And, if you are consistent, you, and your integrity, will be beyond reproach. 

Of course, there will always be the miserable sods who question you and your integrity regardless of evidence to the contrary. But if you have been consistent in your behavior towards others, any and all questions about who you are will have answers. Good ones, too. So, while aggravating that anyone would even dare question who you are in the face of the many good works you've accomplished, you don't have to worry. The truth is the truth. 

When you are consistent, lies cannot hide who you are because you're YOU 100% of the time. 

Last summer, something (and someone) completely unexpected happened. At first, it was happy. Then, it wasn't. I found myself utterly confused by the situation. It was like a switch had been flipped without my consent--as if there was a glitch in my programming. Like a computer virus. I did not feel like I was 100% in control. Because, I wasn't. When that happens, it means a trauma (probably suffered in early life) has been triggered. I research, study, write, and speak about mental health so I'm more aware of the red flags, but even with my deep knowledge of psychology (and neuro-psychology), I was still surprised at how quickly latent insecurities manifested. By "insecurities," I mean FEAR. 

When something like this happens to you, don't go down the rabbit hole of fear. Fear is based in self-loathing. Think back to who you consistently are--as a human being. Is your natural compulsion to help others? Do you do that on a regular basis??? Remember that! Remember the family you have loved and treated well for decades, regardless of how those people have treated you. Remember the professional colleagues you cheered on for 10+ years, whether or not those same individuals ever returned the favor. Remember the neighbors you bake for countless times. Remember the charitable work you do for children and animals. Remember the kindness you've shown to senior members of our population. Remember who you are, and, no matter what triggers pop up, you'll always find your way back to your happy place.  

Confidence comes from consistency. When people question your choices, if you are consistent, you can not only trust yourself, you can get others to trust you, too. Consistency builds trust and develops bonds that withstand the test of time. If you come from a family where there was always derision, it inevitably leads to division. Estranged parents lead to estranged siblings. It's not rocket science. Derision itself derives from a defensive nature. We are only defensive when we are wrong. And, we are only wrong when we are inconsistent.

By the way, defending yourself when you're wronged is not the same as being defensive. When you're defensive, you're offensive toward others. You attack without provocation. You blame-shift. You harangue. You obsess. You hold others emotional hostage by threatening INCONSISTENCY--that's what discarding a person really is. Disappearing from someone's life ONLY happens when the supposedly "offended" party chooses to be inconsistent.

Choosing anger over healing in love relationships or family relationships is the surfacing of latent resentment and/or jealousy. It's the same with friendships as well. Toxic individuals will pick fights with you as a means to justify their separation and eventual disappearance. When that happens, let them go. Even if it's your own brother. You're better off without the drama the insecure messes of this world attempt to burden you with. If you are a consistent person--meaning, a person who is loyal, supportive, kind, and compassionate--find others like you in order to live your best life. Everyone else is just a future abuser--people who will want to hurt you because, in fact,  you are happy.

Why?

Think of it like Windows versus iOS--both high-functioning, successful programs but COMPLETELY DIFFERENT operating systems. One is reactive--the other, proactive. Being proactive is the only way to maintain consistency. When you're proactive, you're not waiting to react to the whims of others--you actively take responsibility for your own life. That kind of confidence is the most attractive quality any human being can possess. You can certainly make a mistake. But when you do, you own up to it. You apologize. You don't drip justifications from your bubbling, whiny lips like a toddler without a binky. You also have the guts to tell someone you love them and want them--even if the timing is less than convenient. You can speak up in a crowd, too. Stand up to bullies. Help people when they need it. There's no end to the miracles you can manifest simply by being a consistent person. 

Being consistent (or proactive) in a world that rewards duplicity (or, inconsistency) is not easy. But it is still ethically correct. When you have been there for others, no matter what, and they walk away from you--that is NOT your problem. Nor do their problems derive from you. Their inconsistency is because they do not trust themselves. They lack confidence, which manifests as insecurity--or, FEAR from self-loathing. 

You can only be consistent with yourself and others when you first give yourself unconditional love.

​Confident children are children who feel loved. If no one is making you feel loved, love yourself! You matter!!! Stop pretending you don't. Stop believing other people's opinions about who you are or what you should be. You are you. Be you. Do you. As long as you're consistent, who you are is beyond reproach. Don't be a consistent asshole. That's not what I mean when I say, "Be consistent." I mean, be consistently kind. Be consistently compassionate. Be consistently positive. It's okay to withdraw once in a while--I do it all the time. Smart, successful people know how to say, "no," without burning bridges or hurting others.  

Happiness in love comes from consistent nurturing, support and, yes, sex; when any of those three components are inconsistent, there is a lie somewhere in the relationship. You only stay in a relationship that isn't fully satisfying because you need your ego (and other parts...) stroked. Maybe it's a point of pride--you feel obligated because your partner has helped you in some way. Perhaps it's financial, too. Whatever the underlying reason(s), if you are trying to talk to any other woman or man while fully engaged in a love relationship, you're not happy. You're not in love either. And, you're certainly not being honest! It is impossible to be consistent--to say what you mean and back up your words with positive action--if you are lying to yourself and others. Something to think about for all the people who "love" their partners when all that really means is that you're waiting for something better to come along. Probably someone better--which typically hinges on the new person's earning power and/or social status. 

We only settle in love (and life) when we don't trust ourselves to make good choices. We don't trust ourselves because we lack confidence. Consistency can change all that for the better. 

Start by being honest...with yourself. Happiness is not the same as comfort and familiarity. Happiness in love is feeling like you can say and/or do anything when it comes to sex, and your partner will not judge you. Happiness in love is knowing you have a person who truly believes in you and your ability to be the best version of yourself--not a pseudo-mommy/daddy figure who soothes the injuries you get from the world, or who spoon-feeds you the things you want to hear. Happiness in love is feeling safe, not sorry. Happiness in love is having all kinds of crazy sex with your partner because you love them and they love you and things just happen naturally. As if you can read each other's minds. Like your parts were made to fit perfectly together. That doesn't mean everything else is perfect. But, if you are consistent, and you've chosen a partner who shows that same level of consistency, your relationship will survive anything. Together, you'll actually thrive as fit, healthy, productive, compassionate, and kind people.  It's "the dream"...now go live it!

Every day you spend with a person you don't fully love is another day where you lose part of yourself. You lose confidence, too. When a relationship is healthy, you gain confidence--not the other way around. With real love, you're not together because you feel obligated or have some sick codependency--you're together because you WANT to be. It's a choice. One you make every single day because being with a person you truly love makes you better than you are without them.

Be honest with yourself and you can be honest with others, Be kind to yourself, and you can be kind to others. Be compassionate with yourself, and you can be compassionate with others. THAT, my friends, is the very definition of consistency, and, as such, is the path to a happy, healthy life full of many victories and increased success.

Consistency is the key to happiness in all relationships--including the relationship you have with yourself.

​Remember, good enough is never enough....

​#GoodLuck

Ah, irony...the one accessory humanity never seems to lose. I started this piece 10 days ago. Yes, you read that right. Ten. Days. So, an essay on how to stay focused was delayed more than a week because of distractions.

Feel free to laugh...someone should.

Distractions come in many forms. One of the biggest rabbit holes is, of course, social media. Social media is a full time job. Literally. People hire social media mavens to engage the audience with wit and witticisms...building "followers," getting "likes," and eliciting responses of almost any kind.

Why?

Not because it's the coolest job in the world. Because, frankly, social media can be a waste of one's precious time, energy and talents. Those fully engaged in real life usually hire someone else to manage their accounts. It should only be those with part-time jobs, people who are unemployed, between jobs, self-employed, retired, and teenagers that can "afford" to spend their days tapping out infinite characters on touchscreens for the benefit of strangers. And, none of the folks who can be on places like Twitter all day long can move you (or your life) forward. Which means, they'll only be holding you back.

Let me tell you a little story:

I could easily spend 3-5 hours/day on social media while also multi-tasking--including doing analytics, fixing spelling errors on my websites, answering emails, making calls, opening mail, paying bills, making dinner...the phone even came with me in the bathroom! It was kinda horrible. 

How did all this happen?

I'd accepted that getting my brand's message out there took THAT MUCH time. Just part of living in the 21st century, right???

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

Thanks to the super-blood-wolf-moon, or, the likely culprit, #DryJanuary, I had LOTS of ornery social media "friends" this month--people I've absolutely never met and probably never will, but have talked to nearly every day for YEARS. 

Yikes....

Well, the last week or so, things have gotten really quiet. Part of why is because I started an honesty trend. Any "friend" or "follower" seeking sycophantic approval naturally fell away--a great thing. As the users, takers, losers, and abusers left my social circle, I gained both time and perspective. The other reason my phone stopped blowing up at all hours of the day was my decision to spread that honesty to the seemingly ever-present half dozen or so dudes circling me on social media, the intensity of which particularly amps up between 2 January and 13 February (the post-holidays, pre-V-day crowd looking for someone to hump-n-dump before Valentine's Day plans or invitations to join family dinners at Easter can be penciled in). Essentially, I'd had enough with men always thinking it was their right to take up my time, but give me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return outside of *a little* attention. Very little. 

Straight men never seem to get that consistency goes a looong way with intelligent (aka worthy) women. We need to see that you're serious about us. Nothing wrong with a decent dick pic (especially if you're between 25-32, hawt and packing serious heat, lol...) but your hawtness aside, women both want and need people with substance. Quality over quantity! I'd trade 100 hawt, fun, unpredictable (and well hung) bad boys for one stable, solid, educated, employed man with no messy exes, no police record, a decent credit score, a grown-up car, and lives anywhere that isn't his parents' basement (or, his ex's bed...pink-floral comforter and all!). For the record, kids (and dogs!) are always a plus....

Ladies, if you are educated, employed, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, maybe own your own home and drive a decent car--look for someone who matches you. If you have to wait for that guy, wait. I lived in the projects the first ten years of my life. I was homeless at one point. I had a child when I was a child. I was a single mother and a teen mom before MTV made it popular. No one helped me pay for my education or my life. If I can get through all that, and be as accomplished as I am today, the only people allowed in my life are people who appreciate not only who I am, but what I had to do to get here. Leveling down is not an option. You need hawt sex AND someone who will let you be yourself, while continuing to meet and/or exceed your goals. Choosing anyone else is just a way for you to build in a lifetime of self-sabotage.

Smart people choose partners who add positives, not negatives. So, be smart. Focus on what (and who) makes you truly happy and you'll always make the right choice. Get distracted and you'll lose six months to a year of your very valuable time...or more. That's six months to a year you could have been spending with Mr. or Ms. Right, but it can only happen if you stay on course. 

SIDE NOTE:

Men who contact me on social media (or by other means of e-communication, like WhatsApp) NEVER think to ask me if I'm actually available. NEVER. That's just plain stupid. I mean, have you seen me??? Is there any man alive who imagines that a woman with my assets is lonely? Or, alone??? 

Grow. Up.

As I considered all of the above distractions, I was forced to ask myself these questions (and, you should, too):

How does allowing social media to take up my time help my brand/business? How does it help me move my financial goals forward???

It really doesn't. The majority of people who pull at my time online are male. When I say "majority," I mean 99% of the people who engage with me are men. Not all are looking to hit it. There are really great people who deserve my time and are completely respectful and, yes, also male. And then, there are the asshats who send me hyper-sexualized pics of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, or, Wonder Woman and Poison Ivy having a threesome with Harley Quinn.

Real subtle.... 

Men who sexualize women never see women as anything but objects. Ladies, you can prove me right by simply voicing your opinion to any man who is currently wasting your time (under the guise of some level of romantic interest, or, my favorite, the "helping" relationship that is actually just another codependency). Heaven forbid you ever disagree with a man who perpetually sees you bent over and naked, spreading your ass cheeks while looking back at him and biting your lower lip. Those guys will 100% STOP talking to you the moment you tell them they are wrong, or call them on their sexism, or, have the gall to voice a different opinion. 

To all the negative peeps that can't seem to get out of their own way, here's some friendly advice:

​The silent-treatment doesn't hurt anyone but the person giving it. The only "lesson" being "taught" to the person you've shut out is that their life is less burdensome without you in it. Your negativity is the real "reason" you disconnected from someone who was too polite and too kind to do it themselves. Your revenge fantasy of holding a strong, accomplished, smart person emotional hostage is egotistical to an extreme. To be completely blunt, you don't matter as much as you think you do. 

#Truth.

If an individual goes dark, REJOICE! One less person to take up your valuable time. That's my attitude, and so far, it's working...which means, I can, too!

By the way, book editors of my experience and education level make upwards of $85/hour. Consultants with my expertise make $100/hour. Let's not even get into developing web content...$125+/hour. That means that every hour I spend on social media--even if I'm working while doing it--is actually taking away HUNDREDS of dollars per day, adding up to THOUSANDS of dollars each week. 

I freaked out when I realized the actual dollar-value I was losing--not that I'd be working all those billable hours, but I could be finding more jobs to bill instead of helping this person with their love life, or listening to that person complain about basically nothing. Don't get me wrong! I have great friends on social media who I value, and, who value me and my time. Worthy, productive people who understand having a quality conversation once or twice a month is more meaningful than expecting anyone to write detailed paragraphs every damn day.

People that value your time, and are respectful of you and your opinions, are the same folks who will defend you when you aren't around. Unprompted public promotion of you and your work is the sign of a true friend. Such individuals deserve your time. But, no more than an hour a day if it's through social media. I'm not kidding. If you need more than an hour, hire an assistant. If you can't afford an assistant, then you shouldn't be on social media that much anyway--you should be using that time to look for ways to increase your earning power!

Priorotize! This is not a dress rehearsal. It's your life. And, you're letting it pass you by...for what??? To talk to losers, users, abusers, takers, and narcissistic-fucks who have impossibly high expectations of you (but not of themselves!), and will prove it the moment you don't do exactly what they want--usually by discarding you? You’ve worked too hard to be who you are to allow anyone to devalue you in any way, including questioning your well-earned integrity. No more double-checks on WhatsApp??? Time to celebrate! You just got richer, healthier, hawter, and more productive. 

Now that we've taken out the trash, let's talk about Netflix, shall we???

I recently binged, "Sex Education." Great series. Adore it! Along with "Derry Girls" and yes, the depressingly funny, "Flowers," but that's 6-8 hours of time PER BINGE! I bike my butt off while I watch...sometimes. And, I use weights and do dead lifts and squats...once in a while. But it's not the same as going to the gym, is it? 

The answer is a resounding, "No!"

The gym isn't something anyone can (or should) skip. Working out in your house is great, but you work HARDER when you're at the gym. Working harder means working smarter when we're talking about the body. Because, biking for 30 minutes at home while watching TV is no where near as effective as a 30-minute spin class.

But Netflix isn't the only culprit. It's Netflix AND Hulu AND Prime AND Cable. And, social media. Add all that up and you are losing an average of 3-10 hours each and every day. Those hours could be spent getting healthier, hawter, richer, and more productive. We all lose momentum after the newness of the new year wears off. But loss of momentum is not the same as outright self-sabotage. If you feel lonely, you grab your phone and check Facebook for a few minutes--that's fine. It's when you're writing whole paragraphs in your comments (something I TOTALLY do...eek) that you are self-sabotaging. 

To better ID the time-sucks in your life, start by being honest with yourself and others. After a week of honest engagement, see who still wants your time. The people who stick around are worth part of your one-hour per day--the people who don't are users and takers. Whatever you believed they "gave" you in exchange for your time wasn't worth it. It's the same with love-relationships, family and friendships, too. Anyone who gets angry easily, regularly starts fights, is inconsistent, hurts your reputation, or holds you emotional hostage, is pretty much a time-suck. Nothing worthwhile will ever come out of it. You're only hurting yourself waiting for people who are clearly unstable to suddenly see the light. Even if high-functioning, the people who abruptly disconnect from you are sick. Be grateful they're gone. And, don't let them back in! In trying to cause you pain, they're actually helping you to avoid it. Smart ones will eventually realize this and attempt to weasel their way back in...so be thankful for the ones who are stupid.

Here are some tasty tidbits to chew on--like a piece of your favorite gum--except, instead of spitting it out, I want you to swallow: 

Whether guy or girl, if a person really likes you (and isn't 12), they let you know it. If that person has let you know, yet still finds excuses to blow you off instead of finding reasons to spend time with you--they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, partner or spouse. Always the case, even if the individual repeats the words, "I'm single," like it's a broken record. It's not the record that's broken...it's the person.  

If you've been texting with a "friend" for years and suddenly, that "friend" claims to be into you--it's a lie. That person is just lonely and/or unhappy. Probably a little of both. You just happen to be the most convenient outlet. Maybe you make yourself accessible because you have feelings for that individual and they know it, essentially taking advantage of you. Regardless, it's not a healthy situation. Casper it up! Ghosting was created for moments just like this....

If a man or woman starts a conversation with, "I disappoint everyone who cares for me," or says things like, "I hate being me," RUN, don't walk. Playing the victim is completely manipulative--a cheap way of asking permission to eventually abuse you, hate you, resent you, and hurt your life...IF you let them. Connection or not, any person who self-sabotages through things like addiction will NEVER treat you with the respect you deserve because that individual doesn't treat themselves with respect. Good signs to look out for include needing constant approval and acknowledgement from others and deep insecurity that manifests as possessive and controlling behavior, often masked as being "protective."

ALL of the above are just EXCUSES to lose #FOCUS...and time, energy, money, etc.. You are absolutely NOT ALLOWED to self-sabotage in 2019! 

Financial independence is the ONLY WAY you will be free to live your best life.

Why accept an adequate life when you can live an extraordinary one??? 

Honesty will help you lose A LOT of the dead weight you've been unwittingly carrying around. Prioritizing yourself by working out and eating well means less time for drinking, going out, and generally doing unhealthy things for your body, your mind, and, your wallet. Limiting your social media to an hour a day will help you to reclaim time and money. Do it for the next four weeks. See what happens. 

2019 is the YEAR of CAREER!

Good luck....

To My Dearest Readers: 

You have been with me for a very long time now...2019 is RebeccaHousel.com's 10th year of creating original content to help people live their best lives. But none of it would matter without the two-million, eight-hundred and thirty-two thousand, six-hundred and seventy-four of you (and counting!) from 148 (!!!) countries (so far!). In the last three years, writing for each of you has helped me express social truths that need to be expressed because many of those supposed "truths" are actually based on lies. And, the lies have to stop.

We lie to ourselves when we blame others for our problems. We lie to loved ones when we are vulnerable or dependent. We lie to people we work with, or, support the lies of others at our jobs, to keep food on the table for our families. We live with lies every day we are alive. The need to do so feels so real. But it, too, is a lie. 

If you feel miserable in your life, it's because of lies. You aren't with the person you love because maybe that person is 3,000 miles and an ocean away and you can't imagine HOW that kind of an obstacle can be overcome...so, you settle. You live with whoever is either closest in proximity or most familiar, usually an ex. But that person is not someone you are in love with. No matter how much money you have or how many vacations you take, or, the number of other people you try to get close to, when you've met the love of your life, nothing else will feel as good. If you deny yourself that kind of happiness because it would take "too much" effort to make change, it goes without saying that you'll be miserable. Why? Even if you "love" the person you've settled for, you are not in love. That lack shows up in ways that are hidden by more lies. Feeling familial love is similar to how you might love a sibling, a cousin, maybe even a parent. You don't want to fuck any of your family members, so why would you want to fuck a partner who's biggest draw is the convenience factor? People are not 7-11's. They're not drive-thrus either. People we love via familiarity are comforting simply because that person is there. After enough time has passed with you hiding and/or burying your real feelings, apathy sets in. Once that happens, things are over anyway--it's just a matter of time.

When you accept the lie that nothing can really change, you'll feel hopeless and helpless--that opens the door to addiction. And, just like when you beat your addiction, undoing the lies you've allowed yourself to live (and even believe at times), will also take a period of recovery--or, hard work and sacrifice for an extended measure of time. All change requires self-responsibility. And, patience. If you attempt to make a change in a long-term relationship, people in your social circle might judge you, providing ample resistance. Similar to going through any addiction recovery program, one must build a strong support system to be successful. If you have a strong support system outside of family and friends who may not want you to change, you can endure the social resistance you'll encounter as you attempt to live your best life. Well-meaning therapists, counselors, friends, and family alike will all feed you the lie that you "have to be realistic" and just be happy with the life you have. These same people will tell you to stop looking for "miracles." Stop believing in "the impossible". You may even hear something like, "You have all you need...why isn't that good enough???"

Because, "good enough" is NEVER good enough....

It's self-sabotage to deny your feelings because of "obstacles" that probably aren't really as much of an obstacle as you think. Perceived obstacles aren't real--they're based on belief, not facts. So, you keep feeling miserable. Keep self-medicating, feeding your addictions, hurting your body and your mind...but most of all, hurting your soul. How can you resolve any issue when the people you depend on to help you believe it's something you can't fix? The limits of others create your limits by informing how you perceive of both people and problems. But anyone who is a true survivor understands that there is no such thing as a real problem--problems are artificial, created by others who want to perpetuate their own victimhood. And, yours. Solutions, however, are real.

Solutions remove victimhood because solutions derive from self-responsibility. When you recognize the artificial nature of any problem, you don't have to forget about the person you love, your feelings, or any of the joy and peace you feel when you're with that individual. There's no need to "move on" from someone you love because they're not convenient or accessible--that's simply avoidant behavior. Whoever said love was supposed to be convenient??? Love is completely inconvenient. It's love...it never happens when you expect it to. And, that's okay. Expectations are social perceptions, also known as LIES. There are no rules in life, love or sex. The only "rule" is happiness.

When you deny yourself happiness, you end up denying everyone else theirs, too. 

"I let everyone down," or "I always disappoint the people who care about me," are common refrains by those who are denying their feelings by living a lie. My blog tells you it's OKAY not to live that lie. My words encourage you to be honest with yourself and others. You have the strength you need to overcome ANY OBSTACLE between you and your happiness. If you've found a person you can trust, a person who understands you, a person who doesn't ask anything more of you than friendship, a person who sees the real you and loves you anyway--you need to build up your confidence and start working toward a future with that same individual. No excuses. No fear. No whining. Go for it.
 
You live this lifetime but once. Why accept an adequate life when you can live an extraordinary one???  

It's okay to give yourself permission to be happy. When you stop letting your past consume you, you can truly move forward. You can be happy. When we let the past (or our abusers from childhood) control our thoughts and feelings, we will never be happy. Because we can only ever react. Being reactive means you are not in control. The moment you become proactive is the moment you take charge and that is the very same moment you begin living your best life. 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Love is no exception. It's the same for every area of your life where you have become complacent. Domesticated. Beaten-down. People always encourage "acceptance." I don't. I encourage you to stand up for yourself and your life. You are mortal--but you don't have to accept that you'll die. If I accepted what doctors told me 27 years ago, I would have given up. I never accepted that cancer would define me, kill me, stop me, or, slow me down. Even after it came back and I was told I had two years to live, maybe four if I was lucky. Know what I did instead? Told my doctors to fuck off. No joke. I read studies. I researched everything. And, I changed what I ate, how and when I moved...essentially, I adapted. Evolved. And, guess what? I turned two years into eighteen.

How?

I NEVER accepted the obstacles others rolled into my path. NEVER.

You shouldn't either....

Imagine all I would have missed in the last 18 years if I had let myself believe death was the only option--the only future. And imagine who would have missed me! I've changed a lot of lives for the better in the last 18 years. None of that would have happened if I had accepted what I was asked (and expected) to accept. I don't want any of you to accept ANY obstacles either. Find ways around, under, over, and through those obstacles. NEVER, EVER ACCEPT DEFEAT. NEVER, EVER ACCEPT "CAN'T." Because, you CAN beat the odds. But you must first BELIEVE you can.

Once you believe in yourself, your willingness to do what others will consider extreme shifts the odds in your favor considerably.

My cancer came back after 10 years. The first time, I let fear dictate my course of treatment; the second time, I stopped excusing myself. Stopped feeling sorry for myself. Stopped justifying stupidity through fear. How do you beat a deadly cancer? Remove it. ALL of it. But when that high-grade malignant cancer is in your brain--as mine was--it means removing brain tissue as well. For me, that meant removing part of my motor cortex and risking permanent disability. And yes, I have a small limp today. But at first, half of my body wasn't working. Yet I knew that if I was willing to work hard, I could regain most of it. Train my body to move again. Lifting weights, doing Pilates, Yoga, and Acupuncture. Physical therapy. Getting out in nature--hiking, canoeing, swimming. All are tools in my arsenal.

When a wolf is caught in a trap , it has two choices: To die, or, chew it's leg off. A wolf will almost always chew its leg off rather than die. I did, too. And, the life I've lived the last eighteen years is WELL worth the efforts I've made to survive...because, you see, when you're alive, you have the chance to thrive. If you accept death (or any limits)  because choosing life would mean working a little harder and being responsible for yourself, you're accepting defeat based on statistics and the perception (or lies) of others. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY NEGATIVES FROM ANY SOURCE. It may be easier to accept what others think and say as the truth--whether it is or it isn't--but the moment you allow negatives (or lies) to color your perception (and by extension, your life), you are inviting in defeat, sadness, strife, derision, division, depression, confusion, illness, anger, victimhood, loss, and grief.

Having the faith that you can (and will!) beat whatever odds are against you isn't about a higher power. It's about YOU. YOUR confidence, self-esteem, and feeling like it's okay to have authority over your own life. You'll feel all of that when you finally feel unconditional love for yourself--first and foremost. Then, and only then, can you truly love another and effectively act on that love.

Nearly three-million readers from the majority of countries on Planet Earth come to my blog to read about how to beat the odds, how to get around social obstacles, how to overcome your past, how to defeat self-sabotage, and ultimately, how to live your very best life. Every syllable contained in this blog was forged by the fires of my own experience. Every idea, punctuated by real problems I've faced and continue to face as I live my real life along side each of you. We are in this together. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. For almost a decade now. That's part of how you know you can trust me--I'm consistent. Dependable. Reliable. I do what I promise to do. I've never disappeared. I don't make radical changes or shift content to match social trends. The truth isn't always trending. It's not always sexy. It won't always sell. But the truth is still the truth. And, as long as there are people who want to read it, I am willing to write it. This site is free, so you can be, too. It's my gift to the world. As are my words and my experience. And, always, always, the unconditional love I feel for humanity.

You can be from any country. Believe in any god (or no god at all). Come from any culture. Love whoever you want to love. You can be educated. You can be uneducated. You can be rich. You can be poor. You can be young, old, or, somewhere in between. My words are for ALL...every human on Planet Earth. 

Today, I want to thank those who take the time to come to this website, visit the blog, and read an average of 13 pages of essays a day. I want to thank you for giving my words meaning by reading them, writing to me, submitting your comments, sending me emails, connecting with me on social media, and ultimately, believing that "better" is possible...because, it is. People tend to want to accept life as it is. It's hard to go outside of what you know. It's hard to say, "No, I won't accept an okay life. I won't accept a bad relationship. I won't accept hate. I won't settle for "good enough" because others tell me to. I won't accept (or participate in) abuse of any kind. I won't accept disrespect. I won't accept false friendships. I won't accept (or ask others to accept) lies--especially lies about love."

You don't have to live the lies (or lives) of others. You're only responsible for yourself. That's it. When you love yourself unconditionally it means you are now self-responsible. And, when you take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions, you will be happier, healthier. The people you love will be, too. That's how happiness happens: Honesty, self-love, self-responsibility, consistency, trust, reliability, loyalty, kindness, compassion...all of which are 100% guaranteed to make your life better!

​Ask yourself these two questions: 

What makes you happy? And, WHO makes you happy???

Those are the only questions you're ethically required to answer AND act on. If you're afraid of hurting people when the answers you get to those two questions require actions that will change the lives of others, act with humility. Act with grace. Act with honesty. Act with courage. Act with moral fortitude. Act with fairness and patience and compassion. And, you can (and will) greatly minimize any negative consequences to others.

Change doesn't have to be full of pain and hurt. Ego and pride cause those difficulties. Being honest about your feelings doesn't mean being cruel--that's what you do when you yourself are afraid, jealous, envious, angry--all negative emotions derived from bruised egos and misplaced pride. Take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, and your life. When you do, yes, you will temporarily "rock the boat," but as long as you act with compassion over judgment and kindness over cruelty, you can not only help yourself live your best life, but everyone connected to you will have better lives, too.

When you "settle" in any area of life because it's "easier" than being honest, you are hurting yourself AND others. You will never find peace, love, joy, happiness, or fulfillment if you are not honest with yourself first and foremost. The number of people I hear from every day who are living lies because of some social and/or financial vulnerability is staggering. We are ALL vulnerable to each other to some degree, And, it's true that you often have to live with "good enough" until you can afford to venture out into the world on your own. When you do, there will always be some obstacle or other that presents more challenges. That's scary. Daunting. Intimidating. But, the BIGGER CHALLENGE is actually unraveling the lies you tell yourself to survive your own life. That's not how it's supposed to be.

You're not supposed to just survive...you're here to THRIVE.

I want you to thrive. Survive-to-thrive, yes, but if my words are resonating with you right now, it's time to figure out a plan on how to turn surviving into thriving in 2019 and beyond. We are on this same journey together. The insights we developed this year on overcoming self-sabotage will help us to not just move our lives forward, but to PUSH our lives forward. We all need a push to get started. I am here to help you gain that momentum.

You WILL be victorious in 2019. You WILL free yourself from unnecessary vulnerabilities by achieving financial independence. And, you WILL live your best life from the moment you accept responsibility for the truth behind your real thoughts, feelings and emotional attachments.

No more self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, cars, clothes, shoes. No more seeking acceptance from enemies who have hurt your life. No more martyrdom. No more self-sabotage. Only success. Only love. Only prosperity. Only peace. Only joy. Only positive energy from here forward.

I support your efforts to live your best life because I believe in your future victories and in your present potential for success. If anyone questions your abilities and potential, that person does not love you, never has and never will. Cut out people who deny you past, present and future victories. You deserve better. We all do. 

This is my THANK YOU to each and every one of you. My gratitude for all you have given me by allowing me to give to you. That's what a healthy relationship looks like. Mutual support. Mutual respect. Mutual friendship. And, in the spirit of that support, respect and friendship, I will acknowledge every country that appears in my analytics. The list isn't alphabetical; it's based on the number of hits from each individual domain or country/territory. Fair warning...there are 148. I am absolutely floored by the support of so many beautiful people from so many beautiful places. As long as you keep coming to my website, I will keep writing new original content to help you live your best life. And, it will remain free to all. At this time of year, no matter what you may be celebrating, giving to people we care about is customary. I care about all of humanity--and I care about each of you. So I'm giving you the best gift I have to offer. Your gift to me is your continued friendship and trust--thank you for that. Thank you for everything. And, thank you for being you:
​

1. Albania
2. Italy
3. Argentina
4. Britain
5. Canada
6. America
7. Denmark
8. Australia
9. India
10. France
11. Brazil
12. Spain
13. South Korea
14. Mexico
15. Guyana
16. Ireland
17. Germany
18. Azerbaijan
19. Croatia
20. Belgium
21. Luxembourg
22. Singapore
23. Norway
24. Turkey
25. Poland
26. Russia
27. Taiwan
28. Ukraine
29. New Zealand
30. Puerto Rico
31. South Africa
32. Trinidad  
33. Tobago
34. Switzerland
35. Nigeria
36. Greece
37. Netherlands
38. Sweden
39. Israel
40. Guatemala
41. Hong Kong
42. Philippines
43. Chile
44. Indonesia
45. Finland (Suomi)
46. Belarus
47. Montenegro
48. Saudi Arabia
49. Romania
50. Japan
51. Slovenia
52. Bolivia
53. Austria
54. Bulgaria
55. Czechoslovakia
56. Tuvalu
57. Latvia
58. Peru
59. Estonia
60. Lebanon
61. United Arab Emirates
62. British Virgin Islands
63. China
64. Sri Lanka
65. Easter Island
66. Kazakhstan
67. Kyrgyzstan
68. Vietnam
69. Thailand
70. Cocos (Keeling) Island
71. Malaysia
72. Georgia
73. Cyprus
74. Zimbabwe
75. Malta
76. Libya
77. American Samoa
78. Pakistan
79. Jamaica
80. St. Vincent and the Grenadines
81. Burundi
82. Portugal
83. Serbia
84. Nepal
85. Uruguay
86. Slovakia
87. Ghana
88. Gambia
89. Bailiwick of Jersey
90. Dubai
91. Mauritius
92. Hungary
93. Egypt
94. Bahamas
95. Dominica
96. Columbia
97. Mongolia
98. Tunisia
99. Palestine
100. Bahrain
101. Zambia
102. Tokelau
103. Lithuania
104. Rwanda
105. Turks and Caicos
106. Palau
107. Belize
108. Suriname
109. Myanmar
110. Haiti
111. Bosnia  
112. Herzegovina
113. Antigua 
114. Barbuda
115. Botswana
116. Namibia
117. Kuwait
118. Kenya
119. Jordan
120. Uzbekistan
121. Paraguay
122. Mali
123. Liechtenstein
124. Algeria
125. Dominican Republic
126. Scotland
127. Wales
128. Northern Ireland
129. Papua New Guinea
130. Iceland
131. Bangladesh
132. Crimea
133. Brunei
134. St. Helena, Ascension & Tristan da Cunha
135. Isle of Man
136. Chagos Archipelago--British Indian Ocean Territories
137. Guadeloupe
138. St. Martin
139. Saint-Barthelemy (Ouanalao)
140. Venezuela
141. Burkina Faso
142. Kosovo
143. Kingdom of Bhutan
144. Macau
145. Honduras
146. Slovakia
147. Tajikistan
148. Somalia

THANK YOU to each and every person from each and every country, kingdom, territory, archipelago, and island! No matter where we are from, we are all HUMAN. And, because we are all human beings, what drives us is the same. We all want and need love, affection, the ability to earn, to support ourselves and our families, and the power to live and love the way we choose. 

I look forward to traveling through 2019 with you--our tenth year together. May all good souls have peace, protection, prosperity, light, love, luck, and joy in the new year, and for many years yet to come! 

I believe in you! But you must believe, too....

RA

Being a woman in a man's world is hard. That statement isn't a shock to most women. Or, men. Yet, it's still true. 

So, despite years of documented evidence from World Economic Forum (WEF) and World Health Organization (WHO) on the financial and social neglect and abuse of women--including outright murder--that social inequity still exists. The question begging to be answered is, "Why?"

There are decades of documented proof. Legitimate peer-reviewed university studies. Carefully collected research that shows the many aspects of how women are treated and what that means for our mental, physical and fiscal health. So, there is no debate today--in the 21st century--about the truth of misogyny. The only question to ask is why is it being ALLOWED to continue. We don't have to go very far for the answer. If only one segment of the population is dealing with the negative consequences, you must look at the segment that isn't--in this case, it's the individuals who are not being regularly held down and back. 

The interesting thing about hegemony (or the prevalent discourse from the dominant social group) is that it influences everyone, including the dominant social group. Most of the men born in the last 50 years were raised in the same social system as any woman born in the last 50 years. When a man balks at the inequities between the sexes, it's because--from his perspective--he hasn't personally experienced it. He's grown up seeing women in the classroom, in the work place, and even being voted into political office. What that man doesn't see is how those women got there. The struggle a woman has that a male peer will never know. Ever.

Attitude is EVERYTHING!

Hegemony is so pervasive that it even affects a woman on levels men wouldn't otherwise consider. Health care is a great example. Medicine is still largely dominated by males. When smart women ask questions, patriarchal or male-dominated discourse uses code words like "difficult" to describe inquisitive, intelligent behavior from women, whereas a man who asks questions would be considered "reasonable" and "educated." 

Yes, our psychology (aka our attitude) informs how we perceive ALL forms of communication. If society sees women as "emotional," then when a woman questions a male doctor in any way, she is seen through that lens. Even someone who is educated is prone to the influence of hegemony--men and women alike. Fathers of daughters. Husbands who love their wives. Sons who adore their mothers. Good men who are simply reflecting a dominant social discourse that clearly exists--because the proof of its existence is undeniable, thanks in part to organizations like WEF and WHO. 

A male doctor may write in their notes, "Patient is difficult--easily upset and emotional," for a woman who merely asks him a question about her treatment. Once that note is in place, that same woman's future medical treatment and care is jeopardized. She will be seen as "easily upset" and "emotional" by every doctor that treats her in the future. Despite the fact that the female patient is calm, patient and good-humored, all anyone will ever see her as is "difficult," "easily upset," and "emotional." 

It's a no-win situation. And very dangerous for women. Especially if you do not live near a major city where you can "escape" one doctor's prejudice. Even just trying to get a medical appointment can be challenging for women. There's only two specialists where you live--one has recorded you as "difficult," and when you attempt to get an appointment with the other, your medical records are accessed and that doctor essentially refuses your care by creating barriers and obstacles--setting an appointment months out in advance, having policies in place that make it impossible to cancel an appointment and reschedule, and, for the win, refusing to see a patient if that patient checks in 10 minutes after the appointment time, despite the fact that the patient has to still wait an average of 30 minutes before being seen by the actual doctor, or even taken into a room by a nurse. 

How can a woman maintain her health if--before she even opens her mouth to communicate an issue--the doctor she needs to treat her sees her as a problem? That is, if she can jump through the significant hoops set before her to first get the appointment. That's not to say that men don't have similar issues. But it's very clear that men have a far better chance than women of being heard, and consequently, being healthy, being employed, staying employed, being promoted, and earning quite literally 25%-30% more than any female peer--not just over the course of their lifetime, but every single day. 

The solution is a simple one:

Men need to be more mindful of women's social vulnerability. That shouldn't be an issue for any man. The only reason why it hasn't exactly stuck is because the dollar-equivalent of this glaring social inequity between the sexes is in the trillions...as in, trillions of dollars. Greed, and a lust to remain at the top of the proverbial food chain, are the reasons why women are stalked, beaten and killed. Violence against women is actually considered a pandemic by WHO in the 21st century. Things are not getting better for women either--as we attempt to equalize our social, political and financial status, the violence (and lack of response, or inadequate response, to that very violence) is on the rise.

Don't Let Evil Prevail!

Something to think about...and not just for women. Men, too. If any men don't approve of how women are treated by other men, it really is up to men to fix it. Women can't even get adequate health care without prejudice--how then, can the onus of change be on our shoulders alone? We need male advocates who don't want to fuck us in any way, shape or form to step up. This isn't news. Nor is it new. And, every day that a brother sees a sister as a "problem," or a father perpetuates the myth that his daughter is "difficult," or a husband tells people his wife is "crazy," or a son feels "inconvenienced" by his mother--patriarchy wins. Hegemony wins. Injustice wins. Hatred wins. Greed wins. And, evil wins. 

In this age of superhero films, we need to stop escaping reality and begin funneling that desire to be superheroic into every day life. Every day actions. Every day language. If you want a better world, do something to get it. And yes, helping women--your own mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, daughters, nieces, wives, and friends--will make the world better.

Has shutting women out made the world a better place? Has keeping us scared and vulnerable created peace? Is it a "safer" world as a result of making women socio-economic hostages??? 

Apologies for using rhetorical questioning. It's obviously not a better world. Women are not safe in ANY country on the planet. We are continuously, consistently victimized on every level. Unless one is connected to a strong, benevolent male through marriage or by birth, the road to success is nearly impossible.  So is getting out of bad marriages, abusive relationships, or employment where you are being harassed. Stalkers are a HUGE problem for women all over the globe. In the States, the Department of Justice lists staggering statistics, like 8/10 women who are stalked are also killed, accounting for 72% of annual femicide. Essentially, nearly 2/3 of the women murdered in America are murdered by a male stalker. Of that number, 60% reported stalking activities to local police 12 months prior to their deaths. 

Let that sink in for a moment....

Men have stalkers, too. But the numbers are infinitely smaller, as are the overall risks. And men don't have the other social burdens and hardships women deal with--like getting a job, keeping a job, getting promoted, and, getting raises. Men have better overall health because they have better overall health care. It's easy to be healthy when people treat you with respect, allow you to earn and expect you to evolve. Anyone can seem rational and calm when you're perceived as rational and calm. It's a no-brainer to be stable when you have a good job, make a decent salary, and have the potential for future growth.

Connect the Dots! 

You see, if racism exists--and it does--then the same difficulties for those effected by racism also applies to those effected by misogyny. By ageism. By physical ability. By sexual orientation. By religion. There is TREMENDOUS social resistance for ANYONE who is different in one way or another. But for women, we have to deal with all those same prejudices AS WELL AS a pervasive misogyny. 

Human beings make it impossible for people who are socially vulnerable (and therefore physically, emotionally, and economically vulnerable) to gain momentum. To be empowered. Independent. And then, society--who causes the initial problem--perceives things like mental illness and suicide as an individual issue when it's anything but an individual issue. The same thing happens to women who speak out against inequity in their job, in their health care, in their marriages, in their relationships, even in how they're treated at the gym. Instead of being perceived as a solution-seeker, a woman who communicates inequities at any level of her life is labeled as "negative." How can any woman then help herself out of whatever the issue is, if society brands her as "inconvenient," "problematic," "difficult," "easily upset," and "emotional"?  The only solution for that woman is to leave whatever social situation is creating the ACTUAL negativity. But it's not as simple as that for women. Not when we aren't given the same consideration for jobs. Women who are killed by their stalkers are targets because, in fact, they can't leave. They need their job. Jobs are hard to replace for everyone these days, and women are certainly no exception there. Why, then, is it accepted and acceptable for any human being to have to move hundreds of miles or more to stay safe? Why is it expected that a woman leave her job to stay safe? Where are the laws protecting women's rights?

If you're unfamiliar with anti-stalker legislation, you may need to get familiar. Just because something is "illegal" does not make it stop.  Clearly the case for the many, many women killed in the States every year by a man. Not because she deserved it. Not because she did anything to warrant that kind of response. And, not because she "let it happen." The reason those women died (and will continue to die at the hands of predatory men) is because there are NO ADEQUATE LAWS to truly protect a woman. Why not make it impossible for an employer to fire a woman who has to temporarily leave to protect herself? Why not make it easier to question suspects? Assign cameras and police detail immediately--and not after eight months of break-ins, death-threats, and a piece of your hair being cut off in your sleep. 

Honestly, these are EASY problems to fix...there are PLENTY of solutions. However, there is an unwillingness to implement said-solutions on the part of men-not just male politicians or policemen. It's pretty much across the board. Similar to when a woman tries to get justice for rape, men will hold up her thong and call it consent, as was recently in the news in Ireland. Name one court case where a man's undergarments were even a factor? It wouldn't be brought up if the victim were male. Nor has anyone ever made any legislation that prevents men from getting vasectomies or taking Viagra. There's no law that requires men wear a condom either. There's nothing that legislate's male bodies. American health insurance companies do not deem birth control as "medically necessary" for women, but medication like Viagra is covered. Condoms are free and readily available! They're even stocked in the bathrooms designated for men in bars and pubs--but not always in the women's restrooms.

Why? Because, every word I have written here is the truth. That's why. 

Living Your Best Life is Still Possible!

I want people to live their best lives. I've donated my time, resources, and talents to encourage others all over the globe through this very blog for nine years because I truly believe that "better" is possible. I want to give people hope. To show them that having faith in the power of positivity can (and will!) make a difference in their lives. If a person--however beset by social encumberments--manages to maintain their dignity and character, that individual will be victorious. But, it will not be easy if you are a woman--on any level that requires another human being to accept you and help you and give you opportunities. It will not be easy if you are disabled. It will not be easy if you are over 40. It will not be easy if your skin tone is anything but "white." It will not be easy if you are not Christian. It will not be easy if you are deaf. It will not be easy if you are blind. It will not be easy if you are gay. It will not be easy if you are trans  And, if you have any of those "differences" AND you're a woman, you have to work not twice as hard, not ten times as hard--but more akin to 100-times as hard as a male peer to achieve even a fraction of that peer's same success. 

Working at that level and maintaining social ties is next to impossible. Working at that level and maintaining your health is equally difficult. Working at that level and having a family, running a home and nurturing a committed relationship--highly improbable. That's where physical and mental illness creep in. Corporate culture punishes the sick. Blames the victim. And that only adds to the overall stress, particularly for women--many of whom aren't considered for jobs or promotions during child-bearing years. So, when a woman is young enough to have a child, she's not given a fair shake. When she's surpassed her child-bearing years, she's not considered either. And, I haven't even addressed the socio-political and socio-economic need to stay young and beautiful for women--and all the costs therein--costs that men do not have to incur to remain relevant and be taken seriously. More unspoken inequities. 

The cost of telling the truth, like I am here today? Well, let's just say I have not been offered a full-time job in nearly a decade. I've gotten LOTS of interviews. I've been brought to many campuses. Had my travel paid for. Offered "backdoor" positions--like, maybe if you work for us at half salary for a year and we like you, you can get promoted to full time. But my best success has been through my work as a contractor--whether as a speaker, or a writer and editor. I get offered jobs that way, but I'm still asked to work for free, or, at a greatly reduced rate. And then, when the bill is sent, it isn't paid or I have to threaten to sue to get paid. Hire a lawyer for $500 to write a letter to get a check for $250...I mean, this just doesn't happen to men in my position. If I were a man, I'd be celebrated for what I'm doing. Congratulated. Universities would contact me--not the other way around. I'd be offered writer-in-residence positions, given more opportunities to speak, and, I guarantee there would be no memory of a CFO asking me to sit on his lap so he could shove cash into my cleavage--when I said no to that same CFO, he lobbied for me to be let go, saying I, "made too much money," when I had worked for the company for free for a full year in order to get the actual job. 

Unreal. And yet, it's the truth.  

If a woman asked for a ROTH IRA in her name for the dollar-amount a man would spend on her Christmas gift, how do you think the man would react? Buying a pair of expensive earrings is acceptable because when the woman wears it, the man gets credit. It's a visible sign of wealth. Women that can't afford to buy themselves that jewelry can't afford it because of that very mentality. Instead of spending $2,000-$30,000 on an engagement ring to put on a woman's finger, a man should use that money as a down payment on a piece of real estate in that woman's name. Or at least an investment account. Give her a real future. Invest in more than a bauble that she can never sell for the amount you paid for it. The only person who benefits from a woman wearing a diamond ring is the man who gave it to her. He gets the ego strokes. He gets exclusivity. He gets to be congratulated as a "good guy." She gets a trinket if she promises to devote herself to a man--when, it really should be the other way around simply because, men already have the advantage.

Men are physically stronger, bigger, and have social and economic advantages women don't. When women wait for a ring or ask for a ring, it's actually feeding into a male-oriented social and financial system that hurts women. Marriage doesn't have to hurt women, but it's a rare man who will promise to give a woman 50% of his assets if he cheats in a contract before marriage. Or, even after. There is also a post-nuptial agreement. If a woman (already financially disadvantaged from her husband as a result of her gender) suddenly writes a best-seller or patents a product or enters into a movie rights deal, she can ask her husband to sign a post-nup, agreeing to not go after whatever proceeds the woman makes from her creative efforts. How often do you think that kind of agreement is accepted by the man? Men created the pre-nup because of "gold-diggers," but won't sign the post-nup because, in fact, it is men who are the greedy bitches in society...men are the ones who quite literally reap the benefits of women earning less. To the tune of trillions. Trillions! Those trillions belong to the women who do 75% of the free labor world-wide, according to WEF. To the girls who have to choke on a boss's cock to keep her job at 10%-30% less pay than her male peers. To the ladies who are fired by men because they demanded equal pay or equal rights or accommodations while pregnant. 

Are you seeing a pattern? Whether you see it or not, the struggle is real for women. And yes, you'll meet women who claim to have never had an issue with earning, who believe they were treated equally...and who also claim to have never dealt with sexual harassment or assault. Again, being connected to a benevolent male is the likely reason they've been spared what billions of other women haven't. Every woman I've ever met (and some men, too) have been sexually assaulted, abused and/or harassed by a man during the course of their lifetime. I really don't know how men expect women to continue to go on like this. To be there for you, have your kids, let you enter us, yet...not want to actually help us financially outside of the maid, whore and mother roles we fulfill for you. Sex isn't exciting? The woman has to get some lingerie, be willing to get tied up or down, handcuffed, whipped, spanked...and hey, it's all really fun, but look at what that "fun" represents? Your man is turned on by you being submissive. Your man gets excited when you give him permission to hit you, hurt you, be rough with you--play "rape" with you. Ouch.

Think Like a Queen!

It took me decades to wrap my brain around the fact that, when I gave men what they wanted on any level, I'd be less appreciated, less respected, less valued, and generally, deprioritized. Queen Elizabeth I ruled England for an unprecedented 45 years because she never married nor had any public relationships with men. She hid behind a mask of virginity a la the Church to keep the men around her in check. It was the only way for her to keep her power in the 16th century, and it's the only way for women to reclaim theirs in the 21st century. No, it shouldn't be that way. And, there are no easy answers on how to create change outside of yourself. But if you're a woman reading this and you've lived through 40 or more years of your life, you know that what I'm saying is true. You've lived it, too. You may not want to talk about it--I certainly don't. And, I may eventually remove this essay because it will negatively impact my already limited future earnings and employment opportunities. But if even one person reads this and feels less alone, or has an epiphany moment, or decides to help a pregnant colleague keep her job, or asks the woman he loves to marry him with real estate instead of a ring, or recognizes a sister for the woman she is despite her visible and invisible struggles, it's worth the risk. 

One day, women will not be the minority of political seat holders. One day, women will get equal jobs, salaries, promotions, and raises. One day, misogynistic rhetoric will not be used in the medical records of female patients. One day, women will be able to go anywhere in the world and feel safe. Walk at night and feel safe. Live alone and feel safe. It will happen. 

One day....

For, you are all the wonder in the world
You are dark trees silhouetted against a fiery sunset sky
You are stretches of wispy, white cloud ablaze with pinks and oranges
You are still water reflecting the wild world around you
You are tawny long grass, waving at me in the whispering wind
You are blue mountains in the distance, beckoning me to adventure
You are an azure sky, challenging me to stretch my wings and cross the ocean
You are the gray in the periphery, where the thin places (and people) move in clandestine patterns
You are the magic in an island of ever-greens amidst a black sea dotted with the velvet complexions of secretive selkies
You are all that, and more...so much more 

You are me, thinking of you
I am you, thinking of me
We are two halves of  the same whole, the same soul
I'm sorry I'm a little broken and not as pretty and fresh as I once was
You are a little broken, too
But I love you all the more for it
For your strength
For your fortitude
For your kindness
For you....

You are indeed all the wonder in this wide world, and the next and the next, and the next
You are the music of my heart
Joy
Peace
Laughter
Happiness
Adventure
Love
But I do not wish to own you

My only wish is for you to be free
For you to be happy
Well
Successful
Safe
And, have all your material needs met
We are the same, with long feathered wings dragging on the dusty ground behind us
Wing-walkers recognize each other
Your light is not like the others though
Because, it is my light, too
I just didn't expect to see it coming from you

Oh, you are all the wonders in this world
Trees silhouetted against a Leo sky
Stretches of cottony cloud set ablaze with pretty pinks and outlandish orange
Still waters running deep, and deeper still, as you reflect the world around us
Tawny grass waving at me to cross the great ocean as the whispering wind carries your breath to my ear
You are the mountains, too, inviting me on the adventure of a lifetime
To climb higher
Be better
Wiser
Calmer
And, more patient

Yes, you are all the wonder in the world
You are my light in the darkness
You are the voice that tells me to get up when I fall
You are the hero of my heart
My own personal cheering section
Because you exist
I do, too
Perhaps one day, we will meet amidst the ancient stones
As we did in the past
As we're destined to in the future
Time is a loaf of bread
We may slice it and dice it hither and tither
But it is still a loaf of bread
It still existed as a whole
So. Do. We.

Michael walks with you
Your ruling planet went retrograde the day before
We never had a real chance, did we?
Except, the Universe brought us together anyway
Just so we could meet
You, a day early
Me, a day late
Angels are the messengers of miracles, after all
We were each other's miracle
And, we will be again, and again, and again...until the stars stop shining in the night sky

Mo Gra, you truly are all the wonders within this great world
For that--and for you--I am eternally grateful.

Numbers never lie. So, what are today's numbers trying to tell you???

The "numbers" for any given day come from the month, day and year. November 11th is an #1111 day. The year "2018" also simplifies to "11" (2+0+1+8=11), making today's ultimate simplified total #33 or "6" (3+3=6). So, while #1111 is in today's numbers, it's underlying purpose is about home, family, and breaking patterns of martyrdom connected to keeping the peace, or, maintaining the status quo.

When we claim victory over self-destructive behavior, we become "ascended master builders," represented in numerology as #222 (which simplifies to "6"); we see #222 in today's triple "11" day (1+1=2; 3x2=6). The number #33 is also a possible total from our triple "11" day--#33 means "master teacher" in numerology, implying that we have trials, obstacles and struggles ahead that can be resolved through learning, both teaching us a lesson as well as putting us in a position to "teach" others how to survive something similar. The other aspect to today's numbers is the possibility of a double #111--#111 is a number that tells of infinite potential. If one can visualize positive goals, see the path, then #111 implies you can not only manifest that path, but successfully walk it, too. Having the power of a double #111 means we have the light, or spark, within each of us to make positive change...we just have to be willing to work hard until that change manifests in our reality. That takes faith. You must believe in yourself. You cannot waiver. And, you can never give up.

Success is incremental, but so is failure. We move ever-so-slowly in the wrong direction, hoping no one notices. Why? Well, from a psychological perspective, there is a great deal in physical life that is beyond our control. However, we can control ourselves. Society is programmed to help you fail if you are different from the dominant social group. Financial, professional, even perhaps personal success in relationships may be harder to realize if that is the case...but you can be successful at failing! It's easy to fail when you are set up to do so. MUCH easier than getting beyond the boundaries of the tight social boxes built for you before you were even born. But that doesn't make it right. In fact, it will always be "wrong" because any expectation developed for you before you even knew yourself cannot, nor ever will be, the right "fit."

The number "11" is the primary "master number" in numerology. It represents awakening, unconditional love, and twin flames (two people who share the same soul). While "11" can be simplified to "2," the number "11" has a higher vibration--meaning, the number "1" doubled is a powerful statement of individuality and leadership. On it's own, the number "1" means the same thing, but when it does not stand next to an equal partner, as we see with an "11," it can also be selfish and a little insecure. In contrast, the number "2" is the combined whole of two individuals--it cannot exist without social support. And, as we can clearly see from the rampant manifestation of mental illness in the States via the slew of recent mass shootings, society or any social pursuit often requires we lower ourselves in some way. We almost have to settle socially, based on our geography, but also on our socio-economic status. When you meet someone and develop a relationship within that limited context, it's usually before you know what kind of a life-partner that individual will be. Yet, after a year or so of building a connection, you will want to make that relationship more permanent. Humans are hard-wired for companionship. We will put up with behavior we would otherwise not tolerate to connect with others, to maintain some level of meaningful companionship, and to create at least the illusion of permanency through personal attachments, like love. 

So, when looking at today's overall total, we know that we are being asked to raise ourselves up when it comes to our relationships, but more importantly, we are being cued to develop ourselves as strong, independent individuals who can lead. We are also asked not to settle, but to find and empower those who are our equals. If you are a true leader, you do not want or need sycophants, blind followers, or people who are needy in any way, shape, or, form. A true leader empowers others to be strong and independent, taking co-dependency out of the equation. In a love relationship, if there are financial inequities between partners because of social resistance, the partner who is not susceptible to the same social scrutiny should create opportunities for the partner who is--not exploit that individual further by asking for monies (or taking monies) that cannot be replaced. When one partner has social advantages and exploits the partner who doesn't, the dominant partner is creating a vertical relationship. Vertical relationships mean that one person has the majority of control over money and the other partner must remain reliant, or dependent, in order to stay "whole." The moment the reliant partner even thinks about independence of any variety, that individual will be "punished" by the dominant partner,  who both wants and needs to maintain control. This control is almost always issued through financial support, but also, by threatening the reliant partner's familial and other relationships. Isolating anyone keeps that person at least socially vulnerable. Something to keep in mind....

"Awakening" sounds so peaceful. But there's nothing peaceful about "waking up" to the fact that the person you devoted your life to has been exploiting you, holding you down and back, and has been doing it all with deliberation--maybe for a really long time. There's nothing beautiful in recognizing that your life has been shadowed by social expectations based on your gender, skin-tone, physical or mental abilities, religion, ethnicity, and/or sexual preferences. There's no magic in finally understanding as an adult that your parents were (and are) abusive, irreparably hurting your life to such an extent that even after 40 years on the planet, you are still being "punished"--one way or another. Once you get over the anger and sadness of any or all of these social betrayals--which can take years--you can then move forward. But every time you suffer any kind of abuse thereafter--take any further social hits--you will have a set-back. This push-pull cycle will continue until you can finally gain fiscal (and therefore physical) independence. 

I think the best message I can deliver to my readers today is that, no matter where you are in your journey, you can get through whatever difficulties are before you. It will be frustrating, painful, sad, and very, very hard. But, you are worth every effort. The people who hurt you don't deserve to win...you do. Yet, if you allow anger, sadness and grief to overwhelm you, those unworthy individuals do win. And will continue to win. Because, you stopped trying. 

I've been there. I'm still there in some ways--vacillating between the power I have proven is inside me (many times over now) and the realities of my life--which constantly sabotage any progress I've made in the past, as well as calling dibs on the promise of future progress. People will tell you money doesn't matter, and, it doesn't. Currency is man-made. Like greed. Yet, money is still necessary for independence. Freedom. That's what I want each and every one of my readers to focus on: What you need to have independence from the people who are "helping" you to stay poor, stay sick, stay reliant, stay dependent. Those people will say they "love" you, but the only thing they love is control. You empower them every day that you remain dependent. And, every day that you rely on others is a day that increases your fear, your anxiety, your depression. Whenever I hear about a couple where one partner is thriving and the other is just surviving, it's quite clear that the thriving partner is an abuser.

Abuse is not just being hit or kicked, pushed or punched. If you're being kept financially dependent, that's abuse, too.

Domestic violence doesn't happen because women (and sometimes men) are stupid or weak--it happens because the abusive partner is abusive across the board--keeping the vulnerable party even more vulnerable by requiring their financial-dependence. It may be hard to imagine how this could happen, but it's all-too easy to achieve in a world where women make less than 78-cents to every dollar a man earns, and are given far fewer jobs, promotions, and raises, according to the World Economic Forum. It's also much more common for women to be given more responsibilities on the job while being paid less--a job title is great, but it must be matched with financial gain or the woman is simply using more of her time and energy to make someone else wealthier while depleting her own limited resources. It's a vicious cycle. One that cannot be stopped outside of creating a sufficient income for independent living by the vulnerable party--not an easy task, even in the 21st century.

The reality of the inequities of this world tend to have more gravity between mid-October and late-February (through early-April) in the Northern Hemisphere...why? Because there is less light. No, I'm not kidding. Psychologists report having greater influxes of patients during this time period. More people are inclined to feel hopeless, helpless, sad, and stuck. More people contemplate suicide, attempt suicide and complete suicide at this time of year, too. Cancer diagnoses and auto-immune diagnoses increase during that same stretch as well. The shortening of daylight is particularly hard on adult survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, soldiers and veterans, those who have depression, those who have anxiety, and anyone with a mental health issue, as well as anyone who works with people that have mental health issues. 

Expect increased darkness through the end of December, at which point, each day will get a little lighter until the western world "springs forward" months later. If you are aware of how your bio-chemistry is affected by decreased light and increased cold/darkness, you can better prepare. Start going to the gym every day. Meditate daily. Eat clean. Avoid processed sugars, fats and carbohydrates. Stick to whole foods--meaning, keep the food you purchase in packages to less than 20% of your overall groceries. Drink 3 liters of filtered water a day. Listen to uplifting music. And, most important of all, MOVE YOUR BODY. The more you physically move, the better you feel mentally. Avoid negative talk of any kind. If you live with a negative person, do the best you can to tune them out. Avoid conflict. Don't let yourself be baited into participating in negativity by reacting.

When you are reactive, you are not in control. When you focus on negatives, you are also not in control. And, when you lose control, you lose focus. Stay focused on improving yourself and your situation. Any distraction will only put you further behind, perpetuating the bad situation you're in, and the length of time you must continue to endure it.

Being proactive means moving your body, eating well, staying hydrated, meditating (including, but not limited to, prayer), and, listening to happy music and happy people. It sounds simple, but you will receive resistance. And, resistance always complicates things. Be ruthless in your pursuit of the positive. For many of you, that means deciding on a purpose that feeds your soul and your wallet. Use the "dark" months ahead to formulate a game plan and fortify your creative reserves so you can launch yourself into moving toward financial independence as the darkness diminishes, making room for a season of light. That's your moment. I'll keep you thinking about positive, proactive movement in the interim. But it's still up to you to make positive choices every day, throughout the day, until we get to spring--a period of rebirth, renewal, and hope. 

Remember, your very life is a miracle. YOU are a miracle. And, I believe wholeheartedly in miracles, but you must BELIEVE, too.

#Predictor