In all relationships, there is ONE GOLDEN RULE to building trust:
CONSISTENCY.
Trust is necessary for creating a foundation for the long-term. If you find that your partner is not creating a safe space for you to be you, it's time to pull the proverbial plug.
Men (and/or women) who do not communicate with consistency DO NOT VALUE YOU.
Yes, it's that simple. If one party is available and opens the door for communication, it's up to the other person to at least match that energy. But we who are givers tend to let emotions get in the way, excusing folks who are neither eager to communicate nor grateful that you have opened the door for them to do so.
When you open yourself up to the possibility of love, you are making yourself vulnerable. A romantic partner with good intentions also expresses CLEAR INTENTIONS. There are no vagaries. No deflection. There's no gaslighting. No baiting. No negging. No manipulation. And, no BS. "I love you," comes easily, naturally, and sounds authentic because it actually is authentic.
THE ONLY way to get rid of the toxic people who haplessly wander into your life is to CUT THEM OUT. No, it is not harsh. You have every right to protect yourself, your energy, your time, your sense of balance, and all of your many other resources, including your capacity to love.
If you are dealing with a love-coward, or someone who sabotaged an otherwise solid connection out of total and complete fear, DO NOT LET THAT PERSON BACK IN TO YOUR LIFE.
Unless you are married and have financial and/or familial obligations together, there's ZERO reason to give an individual who unnecessarily caused you pain another chance. You may see it as a second chance to love you, but if they hurt you already, they do not love you and will hurt you again. There is no apology on the planet that should EVER be accepted from a person who has no discipline over their own emotions. These folks lack self-awareness (and self-control) to an extreme. SO, if you give them another crack at your heart (and soul), they will repeat the same behaviour at some point in the future--sadly, it's never a matter of IF but WHEN.
PSYCHOLOGY 101: DO NOT REWARD NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR.
"Reward" includes responding to any communication from a person who abused you. This is different from ghosting. Ghosting is the coward's way out of a relationship or situationship or friendship. Sometimes, even siblings will attempt to ghost. Ghosting is essentially discarding a person you claimed to care about because it's easier or better for you to walk away without a word. That's literally listed in the DSM as symptomatic of not only Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but Psychopathy as well.
A person who ghosts you NEVER CARED. And perhaps more importantly, is likely incapable of caring about you outside of their own selfish desires. Whether they were using you for sex or money or both, you were the back-up. The moment the ghosting happened, it's because that individual believed they found someone better. Yes, that is the truth. No, they will not say that if/when they come back. There's no easy way to admit, "I really never cared about you but you're good at sex and I didn't want to be alone."
Hence ghosting....
COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY WHEN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE LEAVES. It's a blessing. You really will be better off. Letting go of your attachment to an unworthy sod is easy once you accept the truth--you (in all your magnificence) were taken for granted. That truth is NOT a reflection of who you are--it is a reflection of WHO THEY ARE.
Even if the relationship in question has run its course, there's no need to disappear. That's what frightened toddlers do when they feel overwhelmed. If you are over 21 and can make the choice to vote for elected officials, walk into a bar and (legally) buy a drink, AND, can pay for very expensive tattoos that will permanently alter your body, YOU CAN ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU FEEL YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS RUN ITS COURSE. You can hold your (former) partner's hand, look them in the eye, and hug them. You can tell them you are sorry that things are not working out but it does not mean you will disappear. You care. And, whenever that person is ready, you want to be their friend. Or, at least, friendly.
INTEGRITY. Learn what it means. Practice it every single day. Once you have a grip on it, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you involve others in your life. NOT BEFORE.
When someone PROVES they LACK INTEGRITY, NEVER EVER, EVER GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE.
The ONLY EXCEPTION is when a person who ran away returns in a reasonable amount of time with not just a heartfelt apology full of pretty words, but also, a really big diamond ring. Or, the deed to a house that has your name on it. If someone has left you before, you can't accept anything less than a solid commitment. That individual MUST put their money where their mouth is if they expect you to believe them. In the event you still decide to accept LESS, know that you will eventually be treated as LESS THAN.
Players aren't really players. They're simply insecure cowards looking for opportunistic moments of attention and affection from as many people as possible. They often know that they've given up a good thing for something temporary, shallow and empty. Somewhere deep inside, these folks don't believe they're worth the real deal. And, they're right. Because, any adult who is mature enough to start a love-relationship is also mature enough to GO TO A THERAPIST AND DEAL WITH THEIR BAGGAGE. Not doing so is a GIANT sign that you really, really, really need to make that appointment. Self-sabotage may look good at 20, 25, or even 30. But after 35, you're less of a hot mess and more of just a plain old-fashioned mess.
You've heard the phrase, "Hurt people hurt people." How about this:
WEAK PEOPLE WEAKEN PEOPLE.
Stay away from emotionally immature individuals. Someone may be able to fool you for a month, but the mask falls away fairly quickly. And when it does, RUN. My only caveat there is, don't act self-righteous. Try to discuss it with the other party and work with them until it's more of a mutual decision. Not only does this help provide a modicum of closure, it also allows you to avoid a potential stalker. It may feel good to tell a jerk to "eff off," but rejection breeds obsession and that doesn't help anyone to move on from a relationship (that was not stable anyway).
One of the best affirmations I created for my clients:
"I deserve consistency and stability in all of my relationships."
And, you do!
KNOW YOUR VALUE. If you don't advocate for what you know you're worth, no one else will.
EXPRESS who you are and why you should be treated with respect. No, you shouldn't have to. But standing up for your rights is as important as you both getting checked for STI's before having sex for the first time. Not everyone is comfortable bringing it up, but in the end, you'll be SO GLAD you did.
#putaringonit
CONSISTENCY.
Trust is necessary for creating a foundation for the long-term. If you find that your partner is not creating a safe space for you to be you, it's time to pull the proverbial plug.
Men (and/or women) who do not communicate with consistency DO NOT VALUE YOU.
Yes, it's that simple. If one party is available and opens the door for communication, it's up to the other person to at least match that energy. But we who are givers tend to let emotions get in the way, excusing folks who are neither eager to communicate nor grateful that you have opened the door for them to do so.
When you open yourself up to the possibility of love, you are making yourself vulnerable. A romantic partner with good intentions also expresses CLEAR INTENTIONS. There are no vagaries. No deflection. There's no gaslighting. No baiting. No negging. No manipulation. And, no BS. "I love you," comes easily, naturally, and sounds authentic because it actually is authentic.
THE ONLY way to get rid of the toxic people who haplessly wander into your life is to CUT THEM OUT. No, it is not harsh. You have every right to protect yourself, your energy, your time, your sense of balance, and all of your many other resources, including your capacity to love.
If you are dealing with a love-coward, or someone who sabotaged an otherwise solid connection out of total and complete fear, DO NOT LET THAT PERSON BACK IN TO YOUR LIFE.
Unless you are married and have financial and/or familial obligations together, there's ZERO reason to give an individual who unnecessarily caused you pain another chance. You may see it as a second chance to love you, but if they hurt you already, they do not love you and will hurt you again. There is no apology on the planet that should EVER be accepted from a person who has no discipline over their own emotions. These folks lack self-awareness (and self-control) to an extreme. SO, if you give them another crack at your heart (and soul), they will repeat the same behaviour at some point in the future--sadly, it's never a matter of IF but WHEN.
PSYCHOLOGY 101: DO NOT REWARD NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR.
"Reward" includes responding to any communication from a person who abused you. This is different from ghosting. Ghosting is the coward's way out of a relationship or situationship or friendship. Sometimes, even siblings will attempt to ghost. Ghosting is essentially discarding a person you claimed to care about because it's easier or better for you to walk away without a word. That's literally listed in the DSM as symptomatic of not only Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but Psychopathy as well.
A person who ghosts you NEVER CARED. And perhaps more importantly, is likely incapable of caring about you outside of their own selfish desires. Whether they were using you for sex or money or both, you were the back-up. The moment the ghosting happened, it's because that individual believed they found someone better. Yes, that is the truth. No, they will not say that if/when they come back. There's no easy way to admit, "I really never cared about you but you're good at sex and I didn't want to be alone."
Hence ghosting....
COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY WHEN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE LEAVES. It's a blessing. You really will be better off. Letting go of your attachment to an unworthy sod is easy once you accept the truth--you (in all your magnificence) were taken for granted. That truth is NOT a reflection of who you are--it is a reflection of WHO THEY ARE.
Even if the relationship in question has run its course, there's no need to disappear. That's what frightened toddlers do when they feel overwhelmed. If you are over 21 and can make the choice to vote for elected officials, walk into a bar and (legally) buy a drink, AND, can pay for very expensive tattoos that will permanently alter your body, YOU CAN ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU FEEL YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS RUN ITS COURSE. You can hold your (former) partner's hand, look them in the eye, and hug them. You can tell them you are sorry that things are not working out but it does not mean you will disappear. You care. And, whenever that person is ready, you want to be their friend. Or, at least, friendly.
INTEGRITY. Learn what it means. Practice it every single day. Once you have a grip on it, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you involve others in your life. NOT BEFORE.
When someone PROVES they LACK INTEGRITY, NEVER EVER, EVER GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE.
The ONLY EXCEPTION is when a person who ran away returns in a reasonable amount of time with not just a heartfelt apology full of pretty words, but also, a really big diamond ring. Or, the deed to a house that has your name on it. If someone has left you before, you can't accept anything less than a solid commitment. That individual MUST put their money where their mouth is if they expect you to believe them. In the event you still decide to accept LESS, know that you will eventually be treated as LESS THAN.
Players aren't really players. They're simply insecure cowards looking for opportunistic moments of attention and affection from as many people as possible. They often know that they've given up a good thing for something temporary, shallow and empty. Somewhere deep inside, these folks don't believe they're worth the real deal. And, they're right. Because, any adult who is mature enough to start a love-relationship is also mature enough to GO TO A THERAPIST AND DEAL WITH THEIR BAGGAGE. Not doing so is a GIANT sign that you really, really, really need to make that appointment. Self-sabotage may look good at 20, 25, or even 30. But after 35, you're less of a hot mess and more of just a plain old-fashioned mess.
You've heard the phrase, "Hurt people hurt people." How about this:
WEAK PEOPLE WEAKEN PEOPLE.
Stay away from emotionally immature individuals. Someone may be able to fool you for a month, but the mask falls away fairly quickly. And when it does, RUN. My only caveat there is, don't act self-righteous. Try to discuss it with the other party and work with them until it's more of a mutual decision. Not only does this help provide a modicum of closure, it also allows you to avoid a potential stalker. It may feel good to tell a jerk to "eff off," but rejection breeds obsession and that doesn't help anyone to move on from a relationship (that was not stable anyway).
One of the best affirmations I created for my clients:
"I deserve consistency and stability in all of my relationships."
And, you do!
KNOW YOUR VALUE. If you don't advocate for what you know you're worth, no one else will.
EXPRESS who you are and why you should be treated with respect. No, you shouldn't have to. But standing up for your rights is as important as you both getting checked for STI's before having sex for the first time. Not everyone is comfortable bringing it up, but in the end, you'll be SO GLAD you did.
#putaringonit
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