Category: #MentalHealth

Quieting Our Inner Cynic

5/5/2020

Anytime you find yourself prioritizing problems over people, you need to take a step back from the situation. A healthy mind seeks solutions through direct communication. An unhealthy mind focuses on negatives, or problems--both real and artificial.

It's important to recognize our psychological context. When we don't, we fail to understand our motivations. This is particularly relevant in matters of love. The conditions you set on your relationships are connected to the limitations others put on you in the past. While you can't change what happened yesterday, you can change your tomorrow by being mindful--or more self-aware--today.

For example, someone asking me out on a second date always translated as them wanting to use and/or abuse me. Of course, that's simply not true. That was just a knee-jerk or reactive response based on fears developed during childhood. My inner-cynic derived from daily negative messages received in the first 17 years of my life--and, that had more of a stronghold than I realized.

Maybe some of you can relate....

I had to learn that if I didn't want pride, ego or negativity back from the person I loved, I also couldn't give those things. Love only derives from love. Spiritualists call it "matching energies." But all that really equates to is getting back what we put in. We see ourselves as wanting love, giving love, so being ready, willing and able to receive it. But when we let our inner-cynic come through, we aren't as ready for love as we think we are.

Giving love means believing in it, unconditionally. If you want to receive unconditional love, you have to first give it. That means being open. Having faith in someone. We tend to mirror each other in love relationships. It can cause a lot of confusion. Especially when we fail to see how our expectations, or the conditions we set on love, are based on our past.

There are no conditions with real love. Love is unconditional by nature. We "inherit" how we view relationships. And, if we want to improve our chances at love, we have to shift our perspective. But we can only do that if we quiet our inner cynic, effectively cutting off the past from influencing our present.

Unilateral decision-making removes the other person's agency. We cut people off at the proverbial pass yet somehow still expect miracles. We're asking for our person to see beyond the surface. To fight for the connection, even when we seem to no longer be holding a torch. All of that is self-sabotage. We are behaving like victims--or covert narcissists--when we expect people to read our minds. Instead of being honest with our connection, we use ego and pride as our guides. When we do that, we are not in control--our past is in the driver's seat.

Quieting our inner-cynic is not easy. But if we want to break free from old cycles that are no longer serving us, we have to. If you regret disconnecting from someone you love, reach out again. Be honest when you do. It's okay to express when you feel a boundary has been crossed--maybe you did not appreciate being ghosted. Maybe you translated a past action incorrectly. ASK your connection for clarification. People are complex--there may have been something happening you didn't know about.

Honesty really is the best policy in matters of love. When we approach love from a place of cynicism, we trick ourselves into mistaking that cynicism for cleverness. But the only person we are outsmarting is ourselves.

Extending an olive branch to your connection shows faith, trust and an openness to love. You can't control what other people think, feel or do--you can only control how you respond. Waving the white flag is never a bad thing. Neither is applying patience and kindness in matters of love. Remember, if you want to receive those things, you first have to give them. That's how you make your own luck.

Want to manifest love in your life? Give it. And give it freely. Don't focus on negatives. Keep the lines of communication open. No more issuing judgement instead of compassion. Kindness is free. So give it freely, too, especially to the person who is your wish-fulfillment.

Good luck! And, stay safe....

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Once-in-a-Lifetime

4/28/2020

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I took that photo a few weeks ago while hiking. The pair of flowers rose up together, despite the lack of light in the dense woods, and despite the heavy ground cover the delicate shoots had to push through to bloom and grow. It struck me as I took the photo, that these two perfect blooms were fleeting...a lot like love. That's why, if you have the chance to have real love in your life, you need to seize it.

Why?

Because, if you don't, like these delicate forest-flora, the season will pass. Had I not stopped to take the photo at that exact moment, I'd have lost the chance to capture it. Two days later, the petals were already falling away. A day after that...there was no trace the flowers had ever existed at all. We do that with love connections, too.

Something unexpected blooms and grows in our heart and it's beautiful. Truly beautiful. But we may fail to fully recognize the moment. Perhaps we get scared. Skittish. Petty. We let the past dictate our future by allowing it to control our present. Then, months go by. And, outside of our hearts, there's no visible trace left of the love that was so beautiful, so pure, without the light of the two souls who created it, it retreats back to the Earth waiting for that soul-light to return again.

Your feelings come from your intuition. Your gut. That's why you feel them. But we're so willing to deny our intuition that we act on our fears instead, often mistaking that very fear for instinct when nothing could be further from the truth.

Love is ALL that matters in this world. Money, too, of course, but that's not as hard to come by, believe it or not....

True love is a once-in-a lifetime shot. You'll find lots of people to care about and, in time, can learn to love them...if that's what you want. But the kind of love that hits you at the soul is rare. So rare, I've only experienced it once.

We always think to ourselves, "One day...." But I'm here to tell you that "one day" is NOW. Tell the person who sees you as their ultimate wish fulfillment that they're yours, too.

You'll never regret trying for what you really want. I'd rather fail spectacularly at true love than be sitting in the same place doing the same thing in ten years--wishing, hoping and praying for a change that I let slip by. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And yes, we're in a pandemic and it's going to be a while before you may be able to physically get together. But you can't let what is a totally temporary situation deter you from a lifetime of happiness. If you were honest with yourself, you might see that's what got you in this mess in the first place.

Let's say you send out your olive branch and hear nothing back. Again, I've been there. If that happens, you don't have to get angry. It's disappointing, yes, but if you feel love for someone, hold on to that part. The love. The good things. Their smile. Whatever makes your heart feel lighter. And, be patient. Maybe your person isn't quite ready yet. You never know. You could hear back in a week or a month. I didn't hear from someone I cared about for nearly two months. And when I did hear, I had the sense his jealousy may prevent him from moving forward. But then, much to my surprise, he showed up again. And it was pure magic.

I want each of you to have magic in your life, too. Not the kind of magic you'll find in a Harry Potter novel. The kind of magic that springs from the heart.

Sometimes, all it takes to be happy is a shift in perspective. It's a lot easier to pick up the phone when we change our minds to match our hearts. Or, if you prefer, press the "send" button on the draft you've been saving. You know the one...it goes something like this:

"When I think of you, I see a big ball of bright light. But, fear can creep in--old hurts, resentments. And, I'm sorry for that. Because, the only thing that matters is you. You are my light. The first night we were together, I thought you looked like an angel. I fell for you right then and there. But I didn't think you felt the same. Yet, to my great surprise, you came back again.

I don't know what happened in between but it doesn't matter. All that matters is you. I can't explain it. I just know that my heart feels happiest when you're in it. And, If you let me, I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy for as long as I live."

Bottom line:

When it comes to true love, it's never too late....

*photo copyright Rebecca Housel 2020; "Bloodroot"

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FAITH OVER FEAR

4/23/2020

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Hello, Dearest Readers!

I hope you're keeping safe and well as lockdown continues. I've been looking over reader comments and there seems to be an interesting trend in relationships or love connections that ended before the pandemic hit. But as we are all now well into our second month of quarantine, people are re-evaluating their priorities. A good thing!

We are more lonely now, and that's why so many are considering how to effect positive change today that may be fully acted upon once restrictions are lifted. Before the threat of COVID-19, it seems there was a lot of ego and pride in love relationships--or a need to control others. But this virus is teaching us all that no one is really in control. None of us are guaranteed a future. And maybe--just maybe--we made some regrettable mistakes in our recent past that we now have ample opportunity to repair.

When we feel the need to keep tight control over our outside world, it's because there is chaos on the inside. That's a reactionary response to pain, resentment, fear--likely stemming from a toxic parent-relationship experienced during childhood. We unconsciously replay those familial psychological patterns for sometimes decades. These "inherited" attitudes and behaviors are so deeply ingrained, you may not even recognize you're an active participant, perpetuating toxic cycles.

How do you prevent repeating the past?

Faith over fear! Have faith in yourself, your instincts, your heart. Someone taught you at a very young age that you couldn't trust yourself. But, you can!

In order to make effective change, we have to commit to our own happiness by first acknowledging our unhappiness. We often take on martyr-roles in domestic life, giving up pieces of ourselves for others. But, why do we do that? Has anyone ever asked you to sacrifice yourself for their needs? And, if they have, that's not a healthy relationship. If you feel sad and/or stuck, the toxicity from that situation is why. But also, you have to recognize how you perpetuated it. Encouraged it. Someone may have been willing to throw you under the proverbial bus, but you were willing to do it yourself, too--or, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

At the end of the day, my greatest wish is for every single human being on Planet Earth to feel loved. Really loved. All the knowledge I've accumulated over the years ethically obligates me to ACT. I couldn't live with myself if I kept the ability to heal emotional wounds secret. Or, asked for outrageous amounts of money to relay information I feel is a RIGHT, not a privilege. You have the RIGHT to give and receive UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Simply because you exist.

Peace isn't achieved overnight. It's incremental, like success--one person at a time, one soul at a time.

Ready to start healing those old wounds??? Here we go:

1. Stop beating yourself up for your humanity.

Ending long-term commitments when we have shared family/assets is a daunting process. Starting a new life can be overwhelming as a result. Some part of us is also afraid of losing face. But that's ego talking. Pride. Anyone who judges you for being human is essentially an emotional Neanderthal and doesn't matter anyway.

If you're unhappy, you can break old cycles through increased honesty. Express your true intentions and desires. Being your truest self is who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of. When we have a family, we often worry about how our kids will see us when we are our authentic selves. But teaching your children to take ownership of their happiness is a good thing. When they are older and stuck in bad relationships, do you really want them to stay stuck...like you are? Or, would you want them to use your example to get unstuck and start living a life that gives them joy???

As a parent, I want my family to be authentic to themselves. You can maintain commitments to children and even former spouses by being equitable and fair. Staying calm. Not allowing others to bait you. Rising above petty behaviors and attitudes. When people speak badly about you, they're showing their own disconnects. That will be noticed by others. So will the fact that you did not sink to those same levels.

Be unapologetic about your choice to be authentically you. Your life, your choices. Simple as that. Those who love you will support you. Those who don't are self-serving. As a result, their opinions have far less (if any) gravity.

2. Avoid keeping score.

If you worry about reaching out to a connection because you think they'll reject you (especially if you rejected them at some point), you're keeping score. Because you keep score, you expect others to do so as well. But that's not how real love works. The fact that you feel this way should be a red flag about the negativity in your past relationship(s). Love relationships are supposed to make you feel safe--not defensive. You don't have to continue to participate in the unhealthy behavior if you're still disentangling from a toxic situation (via COVID-19). Creating "soft boundaries" with a soon-to-be-former spouse through clear, calm, consistent communication will help you feel more balanced as you navigate the path to a new life with someone who truly loves you.

A continued need to maintain control may be the reason behind a lack of momentum with your real love connection. And, it will eventually sever those ties if you don't start to understand what motivates you--in other words, learning the context behind your feelings, thoughts and actions will help you effect the positive changes you seek in both life and love.

Trying to control people/situations is a form of self-sabotage. Accepting responsibility for how you really feel is what will turn things around in the future. It's not a defeat or a surrender to admit your humanity. It's a victory. A victory over your past. You're no longer that little boy or girl looking for acceptance from someone who will never give it to you--a pattern you likely played out in previous relationships. Instead, by letting yourself fall in love again, you are giving yourself permission to finally be with an individual who will not only accept you, but will love and care for you unconditionally--that's what real love does. Only vertical (or codependent) relationships are punitive. If there's been no contact with your true love connection--it's time to reach out. Accepting real love means you're starting to heal. You can now take ownership without feeling shame or loss for being you. You'll begin to feel more confident, too. Life only gets better from there!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Avoid projecting your disconnects onto others. We all do that, by the way--it's how we live with ourselves after making some of our less intelligent choices. So, forgive yourself. Forgive whoever you need to forgive. And then, forget about it--the resentments, the little hurts, the pain. You no longer have to be petty. No more keeping score. You don't need to live in a state of regret...or, in the past. You now have a bright future ahead of you! A future full of love, trust, loyalty, fun, adventure--all because you had the courage to tell a person who loves you that you love them back.

Believe me, if your true love connection cared for you six months ago, they still care for you today. And, if the love between you two is real, they'll understand your fear. They'll understand you. They love you. That's what love is. It accepts you for who you are. It's both patient AND kind.

Accept true LOVE by accepting your true self. You really are built for victory, triumph and success.

Faith over fear! You got this....

To sign up for a session, click the link below:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

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#RelationshipRX: Arts & Letters

4/20/2020

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Whether you have a ghost in your past, are dealing with a separation/divorce, or, have played the role of "ghost" yourself, during quarantine, we all have more time on our hands. This means we also have more time to go inward, seek answers, and follow the path to healing. Not just to heal ourselves, but others, too.

Who do you wish you could talk to? Is there someone--alive or dead--you have unfinished business with??? In the time of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are ALL more aware of the fragility of life. No one is guaranteed the 100-year punch pass anymore. While frightening, we still have agency. We may not be able to control COVID-19, but we can control our behavior, making this moment in human history an opportunity to be more mindful as individuals AND as a species.

We make ourselves mentally stronger through purpose. When you lose employment, family, friends, a relationship, a house, you will ultimately feel like there is none. That kind of response is just part of grieving. How we begin to heal is by receiving acknowledgement for our loss. When loss is obvious to others, we'll receive cards, letters, meals, etc. to help us through our grief. But in a pandemic, when everyone is dealing with some level of loss--and, much of that loss, invisible--learning how to give ourselves that acknowledgement and CLOSURE is an important survival skill.

How do you give yourself closure?

Regardless of the origin of your loss, writing a letter will help you gain perspective. You can write it to yourself from the other person's point of view as a way to deal with difficult dynamics often derived from family or friends who exhibit traits from the Dark Triad (psychopathy, NPD, & Machiavellianism). Or, it can be in your own voice to someone you miss. Maybe you wronged another and during this frightening time, realize your mistake. Maybe you lost a parent, child, partner, or friend, and wish you had the opportunity to tell them a few things. Whatever the reason behind the letter, giving yourself permission to express your thoughts and feelings will help you cope.

Love relationships are a good example of the kind of loss where closure is necessary. People tend to polarize "sides" when it comes to l'amour (love). But, there are no sides. Not really. Two people are in a relationship and unless one ghosts the other, both are equally responsible for the problems within it. Writing to someone you lost can and will help you organize the sequence of events that led to an ending instead of a beginning. No matter who you are in the equation, telling someone you cared about that you are truly sorry is a healing action. Good karma, too! People are afraid of opening doors they'd like to keep closed--if that's the case, don't send the letter. But I do encourage you to send correspondence that is positive, productive and proactive--that's when closure can and will be achieved. .

Instead of feeling stuck, you can take meaningful, effective action. Communication is the key to all relationships. Just because one has ended, doesn't mean you're okay. Healing takes time. My soul-purpose is helping others to build up their resiliency and confidence through positive action in order to create equally (if not greater) positive change.

How do you begin?

Start with "Dear _____" and go from there. Always kick things off by asking how a person is doing. Try to acknowledge a positive trait or memory about that person in the first paragraph. And, create a transition to the next paragraph that introduces why you're writing in the first place.

My other piece of advice?

Keep it short. Simple. Think "economy of words." That doesn't mean saying nothing--it just means front loading your words with more meaning for a bigger impact. Too much is often too much. People had shorter attention spans pre-COVID-19. Now, we're all even more distracted. So, I'm going to outline an example below to help get you started on your journey to greater self awareness, and by extension, greater healing:

"Dear Jon/Jane:

I hope you're well. Thought I'd check in given the state of the world.

I was sad after what happened last year. I know you were, too. But a sense of friendship remains, and I'm glad..

Take care--

(Your Name Here)"

Obviously, you will change the words to suit your unique situation. But the example above gives a kind of thumbnail-sketch of how to acknowledge a person without opening the door to anything but potential friendship in the future. This doesn't have to just apply to romantic relationships--it can be any kind of relationship.

That said, you may want to write to a person who doesn't deserve your words (abusers, etc.). In those circumstances, write as much as you want, but never send it. Use it as a tool to empower yourself, not invite others to continue to hurt you.

For those who played the role of "ghost" in the last six months or so and now realize your mistake a la COVID-19...start slow, but remain steady:

"Dear Jane/Jon:

You deserve an explanation--I didn't know how to say goodbye so said nothing at all. And I'm truly sorry. It wasn't my intention to ghost you--truly believed we'd have a chance to see each other again. But COVID-19 had other plans.

The more time that passed, the harder it was to find the words. I was scared. Really scared. Meeting you was not just a happy memory, but a life-changing moment. You've been on my mind every day since. I thought I was doing the right thing--letting you slip away was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

You have no reason to believe me. And I have no right to expect anything from you. But if you are somehow still interested in talking to me, it is my intention to come to you once this pandemic is over--not just for a night or two--but for as long as you'll have me.

There are people today who will never get a chance at a happy ending--they're just getting an ending. But if at all possible, I want us to have ours.

Stay safe and well. I hope to hear from you soon but understand if you need time--you're more than worth the wait.

YOUR NAME HERE"

Ghosts who want a shot at a successful reunion need to apologize right upfront, taking responsibility for what happened. Keep it brief, but be clear. Your second paragraph should express your honest feelings; third paragraph is an opportunity to state your intentions for the future. You don't have to propose, but do let the person know you see a future together and once it's possible to reunite in person, you will make every effort to do so. Close with an invite for the person to reach out, but without any pressure. Hopefully, you can revive a soul connection AND give yourself new-found purpose to work toward a positive future at the same time.

FOR ALL:

I've also recommended using a recording app on your phone and "talking" to someone you can't have a real conversation with--for whatever reason. When you're done, play it back and PAY ATTENTION. If you're Deaf/HH, use your camera phone or laptop to record yourself communicating with anyone you want. Watch it when you're done. No matter which way you go, you'll be able to notice things that give you insights into yourself and your motivations.

Painting, poetry, photography, sculpture, landscape design--these are all forms of expression, too. Artists use various forms of expression to create beauty out of emotions like fear, sadness and anger. To make sense out of the nonsensical. You can, too.

Whatever you choose to do--maybe a combination of the above suggestions--you have the power to give yourself closure. You do not need others to help you heal. You can heal yourself. It takes time and patience, but by using coping strategies through "arts and letters," you can and will beat any negative.

Waiting for someone who left you behind to help you heal is total self-sabotage. You can do better. All around.

Why?

You are worth every effort. Someone else may not have thought so, but that's their loss--which is, thankfully, not your problem. Not anymore. Your problem is making yourself feel better. Happy. Whole. And ready to live the life of your dreams--especially in light of all that's happening in the world.

Remember, you are BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!

Never forget it....

To sign up for a session to tackle grief, or any issue you're facing during the current health crisis, please click the link below. You're not alone...I'm here for you:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

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#RelationshipRX: How to Exorcise A Ghost

4/19/2020

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It's hard (really hard...) to be in love with someone who is no longer visible, at least, for you. People disappear for lots of reasons. But those reasons aren't important. Know what is important?

YOU.

If you're dependable, stable, loyal, polite, kind, respectful, and loving, you deserve someone who can match those same (unfortunately rare) gifts. Because, they are indeed gifts. And, you need a partner who both fully recognizes and appreciates that fact.

Successful people are secure people. Secure people are stable--if things aren't going to work out, they'll be straight with you. That's why they're successful, by the way. Pay close attention during those early conversations. If you're connection brings up an ex (especially if you're in bed), they're not ready. If they bring up more than one ex, they're REALLY not ready.

There are always exceptions, of course. People panic. Make hasty decisions. But I'm not talking about those scenarios. I'm talking about situations where one party is totally unaware there's a problem until the other party stops responding. Consistent with research on the psychology behind this 21st century phenomenon, those that ghost a love connection without apparent cause often aren't in stable employment situations, and yes, typically have pre-existing relationships (engaged/married and/or live-in partners). There's also a connection to familial socio-economic backgrounds that include periods of poverty.

Case in point, Charlize Theron infamously ghosted fiance, Sean Penn, after a two-year relationship. Theron has openly spoken about her struggles with anxiety and depression since; she's also from a modest socio-economic background that included addiction, alcoholism and domestic violence. Theron's father even threatened her life, forcing her to kill him in self-defense. To her credit, she has effectively channeled all of that into her work in Hollywood. But as of 2020, Theron has yet to (publicly) maintain a stable love relationship beyond the three-year mark. Theron's history exhibits patterns of self-sabotage in terms of not allowing herself the love, support and stability that a committed partnership can bring. And, she's not alone....

On the other side of the proverbial fence, talented beauties the likes of which include Halle Berry and Heidi Klum have been the victims of ghosting--Klum was even pregnant! I mean, if a freakin' runway model (and multi-millionaire!) can be ghosted, anyone can. In other words, it's not you--it's them. Your ghost, whoever they are, has a slew of issues you're likely unaware of. Keep reminding yourself of that when you inevitably start to miss that person. They probably miss you, too. But once someone makes the decision to ghost you, most of the time, it's because they have no intention of coming back.

Participants (20-45) in my ongoing transnational survey on sexuality who'd ghosted intimate partners without an explanation still felt love for the person they left behind, but a deep sense of shame via their ego/pride prevented them from reaching out again. Basically, they didn't want to take responsibility for their actions--which is why they disappeared in the first place.

Ghosts don't want to be talked out of their decision to walk away--that would defeat the self-sabotage their attempting to play out. By disappearing, a ghost knows it's a breach of trust that all-but-guarantees the end of the connection. You may want to give yourself closure at some point and say goodbye in a letter or note. But forgiving and forgetting are two very different things...but if a ghost is willing to earn back your trust, there may be hope for a happy future. Only you can decide what's right for you.

Self-respect is free. So is kindness.
Moving on from what you thought was the real deal is one of the hardest things you will ever do (emotionally speaking). When we fall in love, our bodies release a cocktail of hormones that flood the brain for about a year. Which is why it takes so long to get over a person you love, regardless of how long the relationship lasted. But hey, we happen to be in the middle of a pandemic anyway--it's the PERFECT time to exorcise those ghosts! If you do, you'll emerge from your quarantine-cocoon having achieved a total metamorphosis.

For those reading this who have haunted the hearts of ghosting victims far and wide, I encourage you to sign up for one of my sessions. We can work on why you aren't able to see things through in the romance department by identifying the psychological reward you receive by leading people on:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

If you've been ghosted and need help exorcising your own personal ghost, sign up for a session and we'll work on coping strategies for grief, including exercises that will build both your resiliency and confidence so you will NEVER AGAIN fall for a ghost wearing a human-suit:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

Whether you've been ghosted or are a ghost yourself, a little self-respect goes a very LONG way. In other words, ghosts need to APOLOGIZE or live with regret. And, those who have been ghosted need to focus on themselves, not the disconnects of others--their loss is your gain! So, put the Ben & Jerry's down and remember that you, too, are BUILT for VICTORY.

Stay safe out there!

*Photo insert: "St. Francis Borgia Helping a Dying Impenitent" (1788) by Francisco Jose de Goya y Lucientes (1746-1828), a prominent Deaf "romantic" artist from Spain

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Self-sabotage: Overthinking (in) Matters of Love

4/13/2020

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As you can see from the picture insert, for what was the first time in six years, I opened a bottle of wine from my cellar. Having the Bordeaux sitting on the counter (as pieces of the 15-year old cork kept it company) was so rare, I actually took a snap in appreciation of the moment

Thinking things through in kitchen design creates a functional aesthetic that both beautifies and improves one's life; I find the space I built in my kitchen a calming refuge and I'm grateful I "overthought" every detail--from the Brazilian granite to the recycled glass tiles in the backsplash. But applying too much thought to a relationship can keep us stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, leading to years of unhappiness. Stopping that cycle in its tracks will help you find the fulfillment we all crave. Continuing it, however, is a willful desire to remain unhappy. Essentially, someone victimized you in the past, and you're now so comfortable in that role, you're unaware of what you do to keep yourself there, which is problematic when facing crucial life-changing crossroads...like meeting your soulmate.

In order to make the most of what spiritualists call "divine timing," you have to be ready to seize the moment when it arrives. If you've been hurt before (and, who hasn't???), you may choose to walk away, coming up with justifications that effectively end the connection. That's very sad, isn't it? I don't want that for you...or, me. Being self-aware can help combat our fears. But in order for us to do that, we have to stay open. Open to the possibilities. And, when the time is right, translate that openness into honesty.

Maybe you walked away from someone in the past and wondered, "Why did I do that? I really liked him/her. They just felt unavailable or unattainable in some way."

I know I have....

That's self-sabotage. Overthinking in a nutshell. Instead of going with it, you got scared and backed off, missing an opportunity to bloom and grow as a human being.

Opening a bottle of wine for just me always felt frivolous, wasteful even. And since I haven't had anyone willing to share a good red in about six years, I'd not opened a single bottle in all that time. Not one. Until a few days ago....

The other evening, I was cooking home-made gnocchi and arrabbiata sauce, humming and swaying to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" while taking in the earthy aroma of the blended tomatoes, herbs and spices bubbling away on the stove top. With a suddenness I still don't quite understand, I abruptly decided to go down to the cellar and pick out a bottle of wine. Just like that. Without a second thought. No idea why. I just wanted it and effectively went after what I wanted. And, I'm glad I did--it was the best thing I've had in my mouth since October 10th.

It's sad to look back on the last six years, knowing I wasn't allowing myself the simple pleasure that comes from a good glass of wine. Makes me wonder what else I've missed out on thanks to overthinking....

Making unilateral decisions is something we tend to do as adults. We take our emotional context for granted, discounting how all those little hurts, the betrayals, the narcissistic partners (and narcissistic parents!) have added up, thinking, "I'm fine," when we're anything but. In the interest of keeping calm and carrying on, we box up negatives and put them on some dusty shelf in our brain, believing compartmentalization means we've dealt with the issue. But it's simply not true.

My early decision to walk away in a love relationship because of a unilateral decision continued to reverberate, creating a kind of tidal eddy that we just couldn't escape--even after a second chance. Someone who wasn't skittish before that moment became less trusting. He then began looking for reasons as to why I had a change of heart, even though I never had a change of heart, just a change of mind. A harrowing fear of abandonment on my end led to my choosing to believe that someone I really cared about simply wasn't available, even though that was clearly not the case. To make matters worse, once I got my second chance, pride got the better of me and I basically denied my feelings, acting as though a (rather public) prior proclamation of love was unintentional. I know...not cool. As a result of my insecurities, by the time I was finally ready to admit to my feelings, it probably looked forced, less-than-authentic.

Burgeoning romance is a delicate creature. Similar to the wings of a moth, one wrong move can turn love to dust.

I hope this helps those of you in similar situations to avoid missing your once-in-a-lifetime soulmate connection. But if you think that may have happened already, try reaching out. And, be honest when you do.

Love requires vulnerability. So when I consider my overall behavior, I can see how the momentum we built during that second chance got lost in the shuffle of insecurity. Of course, there are always two people in a relationship and perhaps from the other party's perspective, it may have appeared to be no-win. When he first pushed me to come clean, I was unhappy about what I saw as impertinence, but was still willing to respond because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So, he made it for me.

I still wasn't being completely honest, blaming indecision, when in fact, I'd made a decision--I just didn't want to own up to it. Even though I felt time stand still the moment we met, I prioritized potential problems over a person I really cared for--not because he wasn't worthy, but because I didn't feel like I was.

I knew I'd probably miss him for the rest of my life, but wanted to avoid what I perceived as a big ball of blinding pain. You see, when you don't think yourself worthy of love, you can only ever imagine rejection and abandonment as the end result of every relationship. Obviously, I didn't come to that way of thinking on my own--I learned it in my early years of life: People who say they love you will deliberately hurt you, sabotage you, disappoint you, and ultimately, abandon you...I'm crying as I type all this out--it's very sad and very, very frustrating. In trying to protect myself (coming from that background), I unintentionally hurt others and when I attempt to make things right, they end up hurting me. Only a nurturing, compassionate, loving, kind, and understanding partner could change that cycle....

While I do what I can to give myself unconditional love, neural pathways are re-routed when you get consistent positive feedback from a stable outside source. I sort of see that as the ultimate love relationship--providing a stable source of positive feedback to build your partner up through things like regular sex, as well as being generally considerate and kind--creating a comfortable home to share, cooking for each other, making time for walks or hikes in nature, intimate conversations, sharing a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace and laughing together--intentionally making deliberate efforts to increase your partner's sense of security, self-worth, confidence, and overall feeling of being loved and valued. All of that seems so easy and natural to me. More's the shame....

When I messed up the first time around, the other party reached out. I was legitimately thrilled and truly hoped it was the beginning of a fresh, new start. We seemed to meet each other's courage in kind after that. Felt pretty magical...until it didn't.

Third chances don't manifest very often in life. Being as honest as possible is your best defense against self-sabotage.

Bottom Line:

Real love has no deadline. If you feel it, you feel it. You can run. You can hide. But it will still be there. So be kind to yourself and the person you care for by giving love a fighting chance, okay???

Make "compassion over judgement," your new mantra. I have, and it's helped me to see a painful situation from both sides, allowing for recognition of my role in what happened so it never happens again. If you want to learn how to clear your negatives, discuss relationships, dating, twinflames, and/or soulmates, feel free to click the link below and sign up for a session. Once COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, you'll be fully prepared to embrace true love.

Why?

Because, of course, YOU ARE BUILT FOR VICTORY!!!

Never forget it....

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

3 Comments

#RelationshipRX: When is it time to move on???

4/11/2020

5 Comments

Questions surrounding relationships are fairly common. Even the most confident among us can start to wonder when a person you were certain returned your feelings pulls a Harry Houdini. So, I've come up with a few basic truths that resonate across the board, hopefully helping those of you currently questioning a situation gain some clarity.

1. If s/he hasn't made contact in 60+ days, that individual is with someone else.

Yes, we all want to believe it's insecurity. That, somehow, the object of your affection is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. But in our tech-savvy world, it's ridiculously easy to get in touch. When you've been intimate with someone more than once and have been upfront about how you feel, yet still hear crickets--it's not insecurity.

Never avoid being honest in hopes of not "scaring someone off." The right person won't be scared. In fact, if your person came back for more after you provided (perhaps public) evidence as to the depth of your feelings yet s/he still walked away AFTER increasing intimate contact, their intentions were never pure. With all due sadness, I must convey that you were duped by a narcissist seeking "supply." Any expression of emotional attachment on your end was used against you to gain your acceptance and trust. Misleading someone you know has feelings for you to exploit things like sex, time, money--any resource, really--is despicable. It's hard to believe a person you are in love with ever set out to hurt you. But sociopaths don't exactly come with warning labels.

However, it's possible someone who wasn't scared at the outset of a relationship may begin to feel fear accompanying a life-changing love--we're talking massive evolution of tectonic breadth. Situations like that might include such prospects as long-distance relationships. There's an absolute slew of future logistics to figure out and intelligent folks could get overwhelmed and/or daunted in such scenarios. Backing off to regroup (in order to muster the strength to take on the challenge) is a legitimate response and 100% forgivable IF your person comes forward in a reasonable amount of time and asks for a sit-down. Why? Because they know they want a future with you and hope to create a kind of mutually-beneficial road map to the finish line. Patience and perseverance will get you there. I haven't survived the unsurvivable for nearly 30 years because I lacked patience or ever, ever, ever gave up.

FUN FACT #317:

Solid partnerships are worth their weight in gold. The long-term benefits outweigh any initial discomfort. A lifetime of love (or at least 25-30+ years of it) will be worth every effort.

After 60 days of no contact with a former intimate partner, you've officially been ghosted (for lack of a better term). In my experience, ghosts always come back to haunt you. There are exceptions to every rule, of course. But it's possible someone who dropped off the face of the Earth may come back six months later to tell you they're now divorced (or free from their previous attachments) and are finally ready to pursue a real relationship. Long-term toxic partnerships are hard to disentangle from. It can takes years. But if you've met your person, you can still be together and happy, even if your commitment ceremony ends up being a hand-fasting and not an official wedding just yet. People in these situations may need to take a longer beat than usual to figure out an action-plan.

Best Advice:

It's highly likely a person who has ghosted you moved on with someone else.

Also in need of serious consideration: By not issuing a definitive goodbye, your person may have been keeping things deliberately vague. This way, they could potentially sweet talk their way back into your bed (should things not work out with whomever they're really with).

I know that it's hard for those who are more stable to think of moving on from a connection without knowing what really happened. It takes no time to type out:

"Hey...sorry for the delay in my reply. I've reunited with my ex; things are going well. I really enjoyed spending time with you though and wish you every happiness--you deserve it and so much more. Please stay in touch. We have a real connection and I hope it eventually translates to friendship. Be safe and well!"

Courage is hard to come by for people who have a lot of explaining to do....

With a little luck, the person who ghosted you will eventually think better of it and make amends--especially now, with all the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. By making amends I mean returning any gifts or love-tokens, paying for expenses you may have incurred under false pretenses, and, backing it all up with an appropriately written apology.

Or, as an alternative, getting flushed down some cosmic toilet bowl works, too.

Either way....

2. If s/he seems interested yet drops off for days+ at a time, you're not the only person they're dating.

When we have love-feelings for someone else and are honest about those feelings, you're proving you are ready for a relationship. You're courage shows your partner that you value them and their time investment.

Loyalty in relationships is a commodity. A person who loves you no matter what is a freakin' unicorn in a world where easy access was just a swipe away (pre-C19...but it will get back there again in time: body condoms--you heard it here first!).

Maybe there was an initial miscommunication a la fear. Again, it's easy to clear those up with a simple email. If you get a positive response, the person may have misread you or your intentions and backed off. But if you don't get a timely reply after reaching out, it's really over.

If you don't mind being someone's option, you can stick around. Maybe you're going for the "mold on bread" theory and hope something eventually takes root and grows--but, do you really want your relationship to be akin to mold??? Warts take root and grow, too, you know....

FUN FACT #226:

No relationship that can be compared to a fungus or an STD is built to withstand the test of time.

Again, always exceptions to every rule--but when you accept unacceptable terms and conditions in any relationship, you're setting yourself up for a pattern of hardship that will leave you unfulfilled in the long run.

3. Scenario: "My spouse/partner stopped holding my hand in public and rarely makes time for us to go out together anymore. Yet, s/he disappears to visit with family or hang out with friends for half a day or more. When we do go out, it's never longer than a few hours and all I hear about is how little time s/he has."

Tough one, for sure. I'm sorry if this is happening to you. If it is, your spouse/partner is likely wandering. You're probably "too expensive" to divorce. And now, you've been relegated to the sidelines. In other words, you've been benched in lieu of other players in the field (but are still under contract so can't yet go off on your own as a free agent).

You can ask your partner outright what's going on, but you probably won't get an honest answer. Especially if there are shared assets at stake. But you can still draw a few boundaries--this is what you do if you believed you and your partner were in love and shared your lives only to unexpectedly learn they'd been planning for a future without you (secret savings accnts, etc. are tell-tale signs). No one serious about the relationship should be drawing boundaries--healthy relationships have a basic level of trust. However, when that isn't present, there's probably another person in the mix and your spouse may quite possibly be preparing to leave you with a secret stash of cash they've been socking away without your knowledge.

KEY CONCEPT:

Any person who is vulnerable in some way, regardless of gender or orientation, has a good shot at getting used and abused. That's why financial independence is so, so important.

Someone hurt you? If you have have a nice car, a house and a decent income that allows for self-care, the idiot who walked away is also an irrelevant idiot. There will always be PLENTY of fish in the sea looking for stable, loving, loyal, and attractive partners who own their own homes and are financially secure. You'll still be disappointed when a person you have good chemistry with is too much of a coward to admit to their feelings--or, is too damaged to leave a pre-existing codependency. Thankfully, their disconnects are not yours. Send them positive energy and move on. Under the current C19 restrictions, that's not easy, but I hear video-dates can still be pretty fun...at least it's hopeful!

You may regret the lost potential, but it's a good thing when a person you've invested in emotionally stops wasting your valuable time (for whatever reason). And hey, never say never! If someone you had legit feels for comes around again for the relationship-sequel, the ball is totally in your court. There are always exceptions and it's not a bad thing to let a person you still care for (who has taken responsibility for their wrong-doing) prove that they're serious this time around.

You have to kiss A LOT of frogs to find your Prince (or Princess). But if you stay open by letting go of the users and abusers, you'll free yourself up to actually find someone who wants what you want.

#RealTalk

Someone who wants all the fun and none of the responsibility is only playing at love. Hurt by others in the past, now unhappy in their current lives, these folks are self-saboteurs unable to effect real change. You can only do so much to protect yourself without totally closing your heart. Unfortunately, unethical types know this and will use it to their advantage.

There are still good people out there who are intelligent/healthy enough to not project their pain onto others. If it's just a one-night thing and you don't expect more, a healthy person will say so upfront. Look for those who are clear about their intentions. Only unhealthy individuals use pretense to manipulate emotions. Sometimes, you go on a few dates and like each other but things mutually fizzle out. That's no one's fault. However, when a clear momentum has built up and one party naturally feels safe enough to share their feelings, it's not a surprise. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

Stay positive and you'll eventually meet your match. Promise!

PS: A person who truly loves you cares about your health and safety and wants to protect you from harm. That's how you can identify a true lover--they will travel anywhere for you, even if they have to walk 1,000 miles.

5 Comments

Reader Questions on Twinflames

3/30/2020

8 Comments

Hello, Dearest Readers!

Hope you're all keeping well and staying safe in the midst of the pandemic. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families during the current crisis.

We're all stuck at home these days and that's reflected in the number of queries I'm receiving, particularly on the subject of twinflames. I sometimes get similar questions from readers on the same theme. Unfortunately, given the volume, individual responses aren't always possible. But I can offer some general insights that will help the majority of those seeking answers in this time of great uncertainty. I'd also like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of the personalized Skype sessions now available in my areas of research within the disciplines of psychology, mental health, sex, and relationships--the twinflame phenomenon is part of that overall research:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p3/twinflame-sessions.html

Ready to get down to business? Me, too!

Question:

"I think I met my twinflame, but we're both married (I'm not sure if she still is--but I know she was before we met and think she was maybe separated (?) at the time, but never really asked). We haven't spoken in about four months--my fault. Meeting her was unexpected and very intense. I felt confused so backed off, figuring I'd circle back at some point. It was never my intention to totally ghost her--just wanted to figure things out and didn't know how to tell her that without sounding like I wanted to break up. But a few weeks ago, she surprised me with a message saying goodbye. Think I may be depressed because I get overwhelmed every time I try to respond. Thought we'd be able to talk in person again in a few weeks--she was going to be working near me, but that's not happening now with C19. I think of her everyday and want to reach out but feel like it might be a mistake now--I can't leave my situation (for many reasons) and feel it will only hurt more if we stay in touch. Any advice would be appreciated."

Answer:

"Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about the depression--you're probably right about that. Keep an eye on it; depression can be situational but you should talk to your GP when possible and consider getting a referral to a licensed psychologist.

Regarding your potential twinflame: Essentially, what you're describing is an affair. People have them when unhappy in their current relationship. My best advice to you is to examine your own motivations. Did you start the affair out of loneliness/boredom? It's common for people who frequently travel for work to get bored/lonely while "on the road." Maybe unintentional feelings developed from there, but if you're generally dishonest with yourself, you'd find it difficult to be honest with anyone else, too. Nonresponse is easier than explaining to someone who may have indicated otherwise that you are somehow confused/conflicted, despite also being in love.

We can't discuss your new partner's motivations without her input, but if she took the time to acknowledge you after you basically disappeared for 120+/- days, safe to say she had some deep feelings. The "goodbye" wasn't so much for you as it was for her--you failed to give her closure, proving yourself unable to finish what you started, so she gave it to herself. In so doing, she exhibited a depth of emotional intelligence you have yet to prove on your end. She didn't see you as an affair partner, but as a potential new partner in love and life and showed you that by deeming you worthy of a graceful exit. Without knowing more about your specific relationship, and completely from an outside perspective, I'd say you missed the boat on that one. You need to think more about why you continue to choose unhappiness despite a chance at the opposite finally presenting itself--that's part of your overall confusion and sense of conflict. Social obligations tend to muddy the relationship waters. I think a hearty dose of honesty will help clear all that up for you.

We get comfortable where we are--or, complacent. Leaving a marriage means starting over. But, where will you live? And, who will do the laundry? Who will make dinner? Who will be there to listen to your complaints? Your current spouse not being there is only a small part of the problem because, once you two are no longer together, she could more openly/actively sabotage you/your life. It's very daunting to consider, but if you fear those kinds of repercussions from a current spouse, it signals an unacceptable level of toxicity in the relationship. You can't stay with someone out of fear and expect to ever be happy or find peace. Even if you let your new partner go, you'll simply look for her in others because your current relationship can't meet your needs, leading you to eventually seek affection elsewhere again, repeating the same cycle of misery.

The COVID-19 crisis will eventually end. And with it, your chance at being with someone who apparently loves you. If it's only been a few weeks since her last message, you have a shot at reaching out and apologizing. At least have a discussion. An HONEST discussion. Tell her how you feel and what you'd like to happen in the future. Don't hold back--you have to make yourself vulnerable. Match her courage in kind, or you won't get very far."

CLOSING THOUGHTS

The twinflame conundrum in a nutshell: You've met someone with whom you have unprecedented chemistry and feel a deep, abiding connection, yet, the other party is somehow absent, silent, or has disappeared (either completely, or, comes and goes--think "Jasper" in The Holiday (2006) with Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black, and Cameron Diaz).

The situation I'm describing (above) is not indicative of your soul's other half--it's indicative of a reactionary, fear-based response. Also, it's likely there is a previous attachment on the other party's end. Maybe yours, too, but perhaps you're in a healthier head space. When a relationship has run its course, it's no one's fault. But people are generally afraid of change, so wait for something (or someone) to justify starting over. If you've met a partner who makes you feel whole, even when already complete within yourself--you've struck proverbial gold. Don't let that person go, for any reason.

The key to happiness is simple:

1) Tell the person you're in love with that you love them.

2) Be honest with yourself and others.

People who are in unhappy relationships can feel stuck and may seek temporary refuge through sexual connections with others. It's an incredibly irresponsible way to behave if you're aware that the individual with whom you are seeking that refuge has feelings for you, yet you have no intention of returning those same feelings.

I wish I could tell you that there is someone out there amidst the 7-billion on Planet Earth who is, in fact, akin to a twinflame. What I can promise is that if you remain open, you will have more opportunities to find love with an individual who can return your feelings. It boils down to what we really want. Remember, Destiny is always a choice.

ADVICE FOR FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS

No one of worth will tolerate being seen as an option. To avoid drama, amp up your self-awareness with regular meditation. You're no good to anyone if you continue to fail to recognize the reasoning behind why you think, feel and act as you do. For example, if you've suffered any kind of childhood trauma or difficulty, self-sabotage may be motivating you to do things like ghost a person you're in love with for the sake of someone else who makes you (and keeps you) unhappy. All things to work on with a therapist or life coach--someone with PhD is a good place to start.

Please check out my available sessions with the link below and use this time during quarantine to improve yourself and your future. I look forward to talking to you soon!

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/c2/built-for-victory

8 Comments

#RelationshipRX March 2020

3/29/2020

5 Comments

Relationships are complex creatures. Like any living organism, they need space to grow. Nurtured from the inside out, they also need an abundance of love, light, compassion, and understanding. But most of all, they need trust. Trust comes from equitable or fair treatment. When the relationship is vertical or top-down, there is a lack of balance. That lack of balance stems from betrayal, but not in the ways you may think:

Avoiding sex in a committed relationship derives from a lack of trust. But that is not the same as a spouse deliberately withholding both physical and emotional affection. The latter springs from a narcissistic bend toward control--a form of social betrayal--while the former develops only in response to betrayal itself. If you have communicated your needs and your partner still fails to recognize them, especially when you have expressed the same thing for years, basic human requirements for a healthy adult existence are not being met. When that happens, it's a form of spousal neglect, and ultimately, abuse. That's a breach of marital contract, or a betrayal of intimacy. In fact, it's even legal grounds for divorce.

"Cheating" isn't just connected to sex--it's also deliberate, sustained efforts to socially sabotage your partner or spouse by cheating them out of the love and life they deserve.

You've had a rough day. In the safe space of your own home, you express a negative thought. It's not something you'd say outside of your house. But it's also not racist or related to hate-speech. Just something more honest than you'd typically say aloud. Perhaps it's a comment on someone's choice of clothing. A day or so later, you and your spouse are with others at a social gathering when he makes this unnecessary contribution, "My wife thought that outfit was "horrific," but I don't know why...I liked it."

Oversharing a private conversation is social sabotage. Everyone needs a safe space to breathe. You have to be able to express private thoughts to your partner, or at least in your own home, and not worry about those thoughts leaving the safety of that space. When a partner breaches that privacy or the implied intimacy contract that comes with any couple-relationship, and does so repeatedly over time, it's passive aggressive behavior meant to cause harm. Akin to a wife saying offhandedly, "I have to pee," before heading into a restaurant with her husband, yet once inside, her husband feels the need to loudly announce (in front of all the people waiting to be seated), "She has to pee, but we still need a table for two."

A WTF-moment if ever there was one...but in Psychology, this attempt at public humiliation is called "baiting." It can happen privately, too, through tactics like name-calling or simply attempting to start an argument. Criticizing you in front of family is another form of baiting--it's an effort to make you angry so you react in front of others, appearing "crazy" or unstable.

Another red flag is when friends and family of your spouse blatantly dislike you for no apparent reason. You can't seem to understand their distrust and overall disdain, yet it continues, no matter what you do to change it. That's a sign that your spouse has been continuously feeding negatives to people in his circle. A spouse is supposed to defend their partner's honor, facilitating trust and love within their own circle (at the very least). When that doesn't happen, it facilitates distrust in the relationship, disrupting intimacy--which may be the point. People get married for many reasons, most of which have little to do with love. A break-down in a given dynamic is not always a true break-down. If you look closely, you may be able to see that the pattern pre-existed the commitment, too.

Love protects, not provokes. Ignoring your needs, unnecessarily spreading rumors or negatives about you, speaking out of turn, sharing your private thoughts publicly--these are ALL betrayals of trust. When you constantly undermine your partner, you are also undermining the overall relationship.

Setting people you supposedly love up for failure is connected to the Dark Triad in Psychology. All social sabotage is. The Dark Triad includes psychopathy, Machiavellianism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Malignant narcissism includes isolation of a partner from family and friends, sabotaging employment/employability, "hovering" or keeping track of a partner's whereabouts, spending habits and social engagements, as well as giving the silent treatment and holding a spouse emotional (and financial hostage) by threatening to remove or harm a beloved pet, and/or turning friends and family against their partner.

More examples? Let's say you have a minor surgery coming up and need someone to pick you up afterward. Yet your spouse refuses, stating that they can't afford to take the time off from work. Meanwhile, they have asked you to pick them up after minor surgeries or procedures countless times, and you have always agreed. But that's not the kicker: Your spouse's sister, mother, brother, brother's dog, friend, neighbor, cousin five-times removed, etc. needs help, so your spouse takes the day off to assist--in fact, many days off. What that communicates to the neglected partner is that other people's problems matter more than yours. Your spouse is supposed to be there for you above all others. But when they repeatedly fail to do so, they do not love you and are proving it to you in a myriad of ways.

Bringing you flowers and saying, "I love you," is not proof of love. Fucking you is not proof of love either. Proof of love is being there, over and over and over again. Proof of love is not allowing any person to speak a single negative about you, or, to you. Proof of love is a willingness to take time to talk, to listen and to give advice when requested. Proof of love is putting your partner's needs above anyone else's. You can't make time for everyone else yet relegate only an hour or two a week to a partner and still claim to love them. I mean, you can, but you'd look like the liar you are.

I haven't even gotten to financial abuse. That means exploiting a less-advantaged (usually younger) spouse's resources, or lack thereof, in an attempt to keep them dependent. This might include usurping inheritances, hiding what is supposed to be shared monies in secret accounts, not giving them access to any financials, giving them an allowance, asking them to cash out their retirement to pay your bills when it's not needed, taking out loans then asking them to repay it, even asking to use things like student loans to pay for taxes instead of tuition, etc..

Spousal abuse goes well beyond obvious physical violations.

A person living with someone constantly undermining their authority, relationships, privacy, and even financial health and well-being is in need of serious help, and needs compassion, not judgement. Women especially have difficulty leaving an abuser--not because they don't want to, but because they lack the financial support to effectively do so, which is only made worse through the systematic financial abuse of a malignant partner. It's like being trapped in a maze, and every time you get close to the exit, an immovable door abruptly appears out of nowhere. Even when you directly ask for help, people don't give it to you. The best you can count on is a friendly ear once in a while. Hard to keep spirits high while also being abused, but you really have no choice in the matter. If you break down, your abuser wins. But if you have suffered abuse, it's you who deserves to win--no one else. .

If you or someone you know is in need of a compassionate ear, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a valuable free resource:

1-800-799- SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224

While going outside of your relationship to meet basic physical and emotional needs is understandable in an abusive/neglectful situation, it's important to address what's happening with mental health and/or medical and legal professionals before making any major decisions. Family and friends can also be a good source of support, but many may not understand what's happening behind closed doors. Abusers can be very aware of appearances as a means to throw people off and may look like good Samaritans, attending Church regularly, etc. while in reality, they are working behind the scenes to cause harm to someone they have made into a dependent. Even obvious abuse can be explained away by well-meaning people. Curling iron burns on the face, bruises or scratches on parts of the body usually covered by clothing, occasional black eyes (when asked, the answer is often, "I'm just clumsy" or, "I walked into a tree"), frequent food poisoning, the "accidental" closing of a car door on an appendage or limb, and, either excessive weight gain in a short amount of time or severe weight loss are all physical signs of abuse.

Financial independence is the only way for a victim of spousal abuse to end the cycle. Educate or re-educate to obtain employment that allows for you to leave. Permanently.

Don't give up. No matter how frustrating or difficult, you are your own best friend while in an abusive relationship. Stay focused and keep working toward change--even in the midst of a pandemic.

Evolution may take time, but it does not stop for anyone. Both change and success are incremental. Stay positive, strong and uplifted. Your fortitude will eventually pay off.

5 Comments

Yes, You Can!

2/19/2020

2 Comments

The thing about possibilities is that, once you recognise what those possibilities are, you've effectively removed your limits. Yes, it's true that we may be born into a world full of social disadvantage, but the limits we struggle with most are those we put on ourselves.

Mere hours ago, I thought certain realities were only possible through impossible means. Or at least, highly unlikely means. But because I had limited myself with a decision decades ago, I was living a much smaller life than what I was created for. The same can be said for most humans. Maybe it's bad advice. Or, bad examples. Perhaps it's just bad decisions. Whatever the impetus, we make choices based on the "bad" and often, those choices aren't so much a choice as they are a reaction.

Reacting to our environment is part of physical life. Stimuli appear and it forces us to move, change direction, or even, change ourselves. But reaction is not choice. We tend to forget that. However, being proactive is a choice.

What's the difference?

Reaction is something that's automatic. It's part of our survival instinct. While proaction means making deliberate decisions toward achieving desired goals. Maybe things don't always go exactly as you might expect, but when you're proactive, one, two, three, or three-million blips don't matter. You keep going. You keep going because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to.

When you keep going instead of letting frustration distract, stall, or, stop you altogether, every step you take brings you closer to your end-goal.

There are a myriad of "have-tos" in human existence. How we spend our time and who we choose to spend it with can often seem like a "have-to," but in reality, the only thing we have to do is be the best version of ourselves we can be. Sure, we all have to earn to live, but you don't have to say "yes" to things you don't want to do. You also don't have to be with anyone who doesn't absolutely make your heart sing.

Remember, there is a difference between want-to and have-to. Want comes from the soul, but need is based on fear. And fear is derived from reaction.

You are in control of your future--no one and nothing else. People who worry about things like "timing" are living fear-based lives. Being reactive instead of proactive is indicative of a victim mentality (and a good sign Narcissism may be at play). Being a victim of circumstance or "fate" is far more rewarding to the individual who wants sympathy than the natural rewards (including financial independence) that manifest through self-responsibility.

Recognising the blows life has dealt you is not the same as victimhood--it's simply acknowledging the pain and difficulty one has survived. Survival without obstacles is not really admirable. But surviving despite difficulty? That's superheroic. And one needs to remember they have super-powers in order to live the life of favor, triumph and success we were literally created for...until and unless we decide otherwise.

Your checklist for turning possibility into probability?

1. Learn what motivates you!

Understanding your fears will help you recognise when your "choices" are really reactions. Once you know your triggers, you can move mountains. Part oceans. And take on the world.

2. Ask yourself what you really want in both life and love, and be honest when you do.

We all know when we're not happy with our situation. Maybe you settled. Maybe you settled because you were scared. Maybe you were scared because someone hurt you...bad. Maybe it's all of the above. No matter what, you have to be honest with yourself. Once you recognise the lies you've told yourself (in order to accept a smaller life than you deserve), you can start to move toward expanding your world.

3. Get help!

There isn't a single CEO, President or billionaire who became who and what they are without help. So, how is it you think you can get the life you both want and deserve without it? Get support for yourself and your goals by signing up for one of my Success Sessions, or any other session that can help you remove the obstacles holding you back:

https://www.rebeccahousel.com/store/p1/success-sessions.html

4. Be brave.

You'll feel scared as you begin to turn possibility into probability. That's why having professional support is so important in order to effectively translate the skills and talents you've been favored with into triumph. Even asking for help in the first place is brave. Opening up and sharing your dreams is also brave. You can do this! I believe in you...but you have to believe, too.

"One day" is now "Day One!"

Go get 'em, Tiger....

#yesyoucan

*Thanks to Roy Dube for the music suggestion! And, a very happy birthday to one of my favourite Aquarius's (born on the Pisces-cusp!). May the next year be your best yet, Roy. You deserve nothing less, my friend. Sending positive energy, peace, prosperity, protection, light, and luck to you and yours....

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About the Author

Rebecca Housel, Ph.D., known as "The Pop Culture Professor" (TM), is an international best-selling author and editor in nine languages and 100 countries. Rebecca, listed in the Directory of American Poets & Writers for her work in nonfiction, was nominated by Prevention magazine essayist and best-selling author of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot, to the National Association of Science Writers for her work on cancer. Rebecca has published with best-selling author of The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty Moore's literary nonfiction journal, Brevity, and with commercial publications like Redbook magazine and online journals like In Media Res. Her recent interviews appear in publications such as the LA Times, Esquire, USA TODAY, The Huffington Post, Inside Higher Ed, Woman's World magazine, and Marie Claire as well as on FOX news, and NBC. Former President of the New York College English Association, Housel was a professor in both Atlanta and New York, teaching popular culture, film, creative writing, literature, and medical humanities. Dr. Housel currently works on the Editorial Advisory Boards for the Journal of Popular Culture and the Journal of American Culture; she has also worked as a reviewer for Syracuse University Press and Thomson Wadsworth. A writer of all genres, Housel has written and published both fiction and nonfiction in over ten books and 398 articles, essays, book chapters, book reviews, and encyclopedia entries.

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Yes, You Can!

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