While I love talking to people all over the globe about pop culture (and philosophy), I'm going to be honest with you, as is my custom:
Today has been one tough day! The (ironic) long-and-short of it is, I miss my #Twin. And, that makes me sad. Scared. What if we don't reunite on the physical plane again??? Yes, I am angry at him--for many good reasons--but unconditional love is unconditional. Because of that unconditional love, my heart breaks anew with each new passing day that my #Twin does not at least attempt to balance the physical scales. Acknowledge the pain he knows he caused. Not just through our connection. But in the "real" world.
Though we are aligned, insecurities and doubts can still overwhelm me at times. A lovely, supportive friend (Hey, Robby!) kindly shared his experience with me not too long ago. His story is not yet over. Neither is mine. I know a happy ending is in his future...I've seen it. And, I'm never wrong. At least, not about that kind of thing. Many other things, yes...but only because I let love seduce me.
What else can you do???
This is not a test drive, people; this here is real life. If you are in love with someone, do not hold back another moment longer. Shout it from the rooftops! If you need to apologize, balance the karma scales, maybe recognize another person's efforts you took for granted...DO IT. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not in six months, or a year. Waiting for any reason is, frankly, unreasonable. We are not permanent fixtures on this planet; we die. A lot. It happens quickly, As #Twins, we think we'll know when it happens. I'm sure I would. But, why is knowing helpful when your #Twin is already gone? You've lost the opportunity to say the things you know you'd like to say and hear the things you'd like more than anything to hear. Even if I felt it happen, I'd likely talk myself out of knowing it anyway. Some things are just unknowable. That is one of them.
My angels are always asking me what I want. I can never give a direct answer. I talk about what I need, and what the people I love need. I talk about the world, society, nature, peace, joy...but find it incredibly difficult to be straightforward about what I want. Me, personally. Not the things I want because I'm vulnerable or scared...a real choice. One that does not stem from vulnerability.
At just the thought of answering that question, I suddenly began to sob. In between my sobs, came unintelligible sounds that roughly translate to what I truly want. Not for my son. Not for my nephews. Not for my friends, neighbors, cousins, uncles. Not for my brother. Not for my dog. And, not for my ghosts. For me. Just me. I made that same wish at this same time three years ago. Though I did not know it, every step I took from that moment forward brought me closer to finally finding my #Twin. We found each other, too. Life has never been the same since.
My #1111 revelation for the day came when a boy I grew up with, even dated as a teen, celebrated his birthday. "Drew" was my first crush. I think I may have been his, too. Why? We are both #TwinFlames. I just realized that today. Our childhood and teen adventures together were reflections, as are we, of the actual #Twins we would meet later in life. Those adventures were preparing us for our individual #Twin journeys. By no small coincidence, my #Twin's birthday is also on the 24th, but in February. The digital "2" (for February) is an exact mirror image of "5" (for May). Not only that, the two men could be actual #Twins. One is just younger than the other, and, like me, my childhood crush is Irish and sports summer freckles. Bostonians, born and bred! Both guys also share the same soul number, which just so happens to be my life path number and soul number combined. No coincidences....
There is no doubt we are all connected. Though, it is interesting to note that none of us are exactly talking either. Drew and I have not had a real conversation outside of Facebook since serendipitously seeing each other at a Def Leppard concert in 1988; sadly, I couldn't even really talk to him then. I was on a date with another boy. It was a little awkward. But when Drew came running over, all I wanted to do was tell my date to scram (can you tell that I recently watched Roger Rabbit???). Drew was a boy I'd literally known since we were born. Probably why Drew always made me feel safe, comfortable. Made me smile, too. Just like my #Twin. But instead, I was with some asshat who made me stand in line for the Def Leppard tickets at a record store in THE WORST area of Mattapan. That asshat never paid me back either. And yet another pattern emerges!
Drew and I dated for a brief time when I was 16 but it was a non-sexual relationship. I mean, we kissed. I probably let him touch my boobs, too, but I was still a virgin. And, wanted to keep it that way. Which is probably why he "cheated" on me with an ex who would allow him to do whatever he wanted. Yup, another pattern. Those patterns become our past, present and future, though at 16, I thought Drew was just being a stupid boy. Little did I know, the next 27 years would be full of stupid boys pulling the same shit, just on a different day. It's a depressing thought. Only because, it's come true.
As you might imagine, whatever pain I felt at Drew's "betrayal" was short-lived. I went on to meet lots of nice people, and some not-so-nice people, too. I had my son, moved to New York, went to college, got married, coached Little League, hockey, soccer, made Halloween parties, birthday parties, anniversary parties, pool parties, cocktail parties...LOTS of parties! I traveled all over the world--even to Australia. I got a PhD. I got cancer. More than twice. I learned how to walk again. Also more than twice. I created charity movements. Raised tens-of-thousands of dollars. Helped people. Many. More than 3,000 over the course of my adult life...probably more than that, but those are specific individuals I know directly and, for the most part, still speak to. I wrote a bunch of books translated in a bunch of languages and sold in a bunch of countries. I became a professor, then, coined, branded and trademarked the #PopCultureProfessor. I've stood on stage with more than 200 pop culture Hollywood icons. I mean, for fuck's sake, I know freakin' Stan Lee! And, I made every single one of those celebs laugh. Even the stalwart Michael Madsen, who you all know from not just Reservoir Dogs, but the recent Tarantino hit, Hateful Eight. A few even cried with me. Most blushed. Hey, if there's an envelope, I'm gonna push it. I became hot again. And, blonde--one of the best decisions I ever made, because it opened doors to the most fun I've ever had. I also got to live my life-long dream--even if it was a modest dream. Even if it was just for a little while....
I'm grateful for living what can only be described as a kick-ass life. But there are still a few missing pieces. Big ones. Because, they belong to my heart. I've become my #Twin in that way, the wounded healer. Life as a Leo has been great. Intelligent, open, fun, generous, attractive, loving...I'm literally on fire every day. But my #Twin is all water. Bogged down by it. And yet, whenever I looked at him, no matter when it was, or what he had done (or, hadn't done), he always looked like sunshine to me.
I'll write all this out. Publish it. Let you, my dear readers, basically see me naked. Yet again. But nothing will change, even if everything has changed. Sometimes, I cry to my angels to let me go home (though in reality, it sounds more like this: "Fucking kill me already!"). Luckily, my angels are patient. Wise. They push me to grab a tissue, my dog, and go hike in the fields. Walk in the woods. Climb hills. Cross dales. And, just when I think I can't take another step without breaking down, a cloud formation shaped like a heart appears smack-dab in front of me. Inside that heart is an open window with a rainbow peeking through.
I mean, I can't make this stuff up. Not even if I tried.