It appears the same 30 people have been reviewing years-worth of my posts this month. It made me curious as to why. What was it about these particular posts that had the same exact number of people looking for/at them? Was there a pattern???
Of course there was! Most of the posts had to do with love. Love starting. Love ending. If love was real. Not real. And, on a separate yet related note, the search terms this month were equally interesting. Analytics give you all kinds of detailed information. I can see who each person is that comes to my site, what search engine you use, what geographic location your IP is from, your last name, your social security number...lol, just joking on the last two. But the info I have available at my finger tips with the click of a button is still rather astounding.
One of my most popular older posts seems to be a piece I wrote in December 2014 about the term "Svengali" and what it means if you have what is referred to today as a "svengali-relationship." Readers also seem to like my post on what it means to be co-dependent as well. But there were more than 30 people looking at my February 2015 archives this month, too. About the same number looking at posts from the last five years, consistently checking around October 10th-12th.
So, what's the big deal? #Love. That's why I'm writing this impromptu post tonight actually.
One of the pieces I'd written in 2013 talked about how I did not believe in rekindling an old flame that walked away. For the most part, I don't. But there are exceptions to every rule. In January 2016, I heard from three old flames--two of which I had dated as a teenager. I hadn't heard from either in over 27 years. Sorry, guys, that ship has sailed. I don't think about you, miss you, long for you, fantasize about you...the fact that you look for me after decades of no contact tells me you both need to go to marriage counseling. Or at least, seek a therapist you can talk to on your own.
I mean, y'all are old. And, I look amazing, lol. Just teasing...sort of. Wish you both nothing but happiness. It's what I wish for everyone, even my worst enemy. I'm all about that positive energy! Lived through too much to focus on anything else. I'd hope it would be the same for you, too.
While rekindling a flame that's been out for decades isn't realistic, if you were lucky enough to have had a real love relationship that included you and your partner sharing things like a home, planning a family and a future together, YES, please do try to rebuild that bridge. Many things can tear two people truly in love asunder. Especially if you are meeting in the middle of your lives and have other attachments. It's easy enough to let social resistance from families and former spouses get in your head, under your skin, and generally, distract you from your course.
I am a big advocate of telling someone you love that you, in fact, love that person. If you don't tell them, they will not know. And if you had a love relationship like I describe above, it is likely your former partner misses and loves you just as much as you miss and love them. You see, when you feel real love, you only feel it because it goes both ways.
So, why would something like that end???
Mostly fear. And, when the person left behind tries to understand your behavior, they may get inundated with "friendly" advice that basically says anyone who walks away wasn't in love and never was, because, if the love was real, the absent-party would still be there.
However, I'm old enough to know now that every relationship is different; people are complex creatures made up of many facets. It is very possible that someone who walked away left DESPITE being in love with you. Especially people born in this week of February. In cosmic circles, it's known as the "week of sacrifice." People born on February 24th in particular are born on what is called the "day of sacrifice." Those folks almost always give up their happiness for someone else.
What's interesting is, this week, the cosmos is sending a message to all of us on Earth based on the positions of certain planets. And that message is about how sacrificing your needs for other people is not as noble as you may imagine it to be. Sacrificing your needs for others is the source of negative energy that only has to be cleared later on. Giving up your basic need for happiness ends up hurting more people than it helps, including you. It's actually selfish. If you honestly look at why you made the sacrifice in the first place, you might see that the real reason you gave up what you wanted was because, ultimately, you were afraid.
Usually, that fear stems from people feeling unworthy. Feeling unworthy eats away at your confidence. You may not feel competent enough to make major life decisions as a result. You may feel like a failure, a fraud, and at some point, the person you love will see that, too, and, leave you. So, you do what you feel is best and leave first. Because you believe it's going to happen eventually anyway.
Despite that ridiculous song by Daughtry, it is a surprise to the person you are leaving behind. Even if things weren't perfect. When you're in a committed love relationship--which you are if you are living together and doing things like planning a family--your partner reasonably expects that if there is some kind of acute issue, before you decide to just leave, you will talk about whatever is going on honestly. Having an open conversation is a sign of trust. It's a team activity. One that suggests you want to work together to make things better, in the same way you eat together, share expenses together, love together, gain pleasure together...and, by the way, if you're still having hot sex, don't walk away! That kind of partnership is rare and deserves at least an equal discussion. That said, let me differentiate here between a marriage that has become stagnant and a partnership with real love.
If you're in a marriage that has become stagnant, that has not seen any positive momentum, or lacks consistent intimacy, you may have an abusive spouse. It's likely you married very young, too. You do not know what real love is at 19 or 20. You can feel it, but you lack the necessary experience to really understand it. And, you do not yet know yourself. So, how do you choose a life-partner at that age? How can you really know who will best support you and your goals???
The simple answer is, you can't. Many people stubbornly hold on to dead relationships, not out of love, but out of pride. When you marry young, you probably had family and friends question that decision. And no one likes to feel like a fool. Or, go crawling back to family for help if you made a mistake.
In that very specific scenario, if you found real love after being in marriage that just didn't work, but perhaps, left the real love behind because it was "the right thing to do," meaning, it was socially-expected--the real reason you may have behaved that way was because the real love scared you, as did the responsibility you suddenly felt in what was an equal partnership. In an abusive or vertical relationship, the abusive spouse will try to remove as much responsibility or agency as possible to keep control. That's not real love. No matter how you slice it. Real love requires both lovers be equally responsible to each other. That might feel hard to someone who has been in a previous vertical relationship for years. Particularly, if you were very young. You likely have suffered psychological trauma from consistent abuse. So, any behavior where you rejected real love is actually not your fault. It's even understandable. Especially to someone who feels real love, and real compassion, for you.
"But real love isn't supposed to be hard...."
Says who??? When love is real, you know it, You feel it. That part is easy. But it doesn't mean the Universe will suddenly start throwing money at you, or make your families like each other. It doesn't mean you won't lose jobs or get sick or have unfortunate things happen. But if you really love each other, that real (and therefore, unconditional) love will see you through any obstacle. Just have to trust in that love. You'll have to make compromises, but you should never be asked to compromise yourself, or, any of your dreams. Love encourages you to follow your bliss. Immature, jealous partners prevent you from moving forward--never a partner who truly loves you. That partner will believe in you, no matter what. And THAT is the partner worth getting back in touch with.
I'd written some love advice in November 2013. It was great advice. Right on the money! If I had a daughter, I'd want someone to give her that advice. But within a few short months, I found my life had changed. When faced with the EXACT situations I was discussing in November 2013, I made compromises that I am lucky today have not had more severe repercussions. Believe me, I'm still living with plenty of consequences. And will be for years to come. But I still stand by my decisions. I never did anything unethical. I did not lie or cheat or steal. I made mistakes, but I also followed my bliss. That is nothing to be ashamed of. It's brave. Few even try it, let alone succeed. I had the guts to go after happiness with abandon. I'm proud of that fact. And guess what??? Those same things are still my bliss. I still want them. Even two years later. When you consistently hold the same goals, you know you were on the right track. And I hope that one day, I get another crack at it.
Failure is just a roadmap for future success. If you truly love someone, and that person truly loves you, never let anything that rare, that special, fade into oblivion. You won't find it again. True, there's a lot of people in this world, but when you find someone who is unique among the 7-billion on the planet, you know it. Denying that kind of connection only causes a build up of negative energy. As does that whole self-sacrifice thing. No one should ask you to give up your happiness. Even if they didn't exactly ask, and you did it anyway--it's just wrong. The people that would allow you to live a life without happiness are not the people worth sacrificing for. Know who is??? The person who told you to go find yourself when you were having doubts, even though it killed her to think of you with other people. Even though she desperately loved you and did everything in her power to be supportive and loving. The person who believed in you so much, she actually let you go. That's real love.
Being scared is okay, you know. I'm scared all the time. I've faced cancer for the last 25 years, and not the kind that you get treatment for, walk away, then go off and live a normal life. The kind that causes serious injury with every treatment. Scary stuff. So believe me when I say I get it. I do. I really, really do.
But I also understand something else as a result: Nothing matters more than real love in this life. Not one freakin' thing. Because, with real love, you get real joy, real hope, a real future, real happiness, and, real peace. It's worth every effort.
So, yeah, if you had real love and lost it, please, go ahead and find that person who is your person again. He or she will forgive you. I don't care if you're married, in a relationship, or, if they are. Tell them! Especially if you were the one to walk away....
Let me just close by saying how much I appreciate the 24,224 people who have visited my blog this month so far. And, the 800,000+ people who have consistently not only supported this blog but my books and speaking-tours since 2009. Without you, my words mean nothing. Your support of my work always feels like a miracle. A miracle I'm grateful to receive.
Your existence makes mine better every day, dear readers. And, I hope to return the favor through the multiple book projects currently in the works...something I have been promising for years, I know. But truly, these will be coming out in the next 6-12 months. And when that first book hits shelves, it will be 100% because of YOU, and your continued support.
You #StayClassy, San Diego! Until next time.....
PS: Look for a great new post on February 24th! Have a towel handy...it's gonna be supa-hawt, y'all!