I know many things now....
The joy and excitement I feel is hard to describe. It brings up images of once-in-a-lifetimes: Things I never experienced before (or since), and only for a little while. My once-in-a-lifetimes made surviving cancer for 23 years worth every effort. The 24th year wasn't so great. I wonder what the value of surviving a 25th year is? A 26th??? Would that it could be so sweet as the 23rd. And this time, without an end.
It is strange to want to die after fighting to survive for so long. Until you think of that one heart...then, you want to fight again. You begin bargaining. Asking questions of yourself. Asking questions of the Universe. Questions like, "Can I live to be 96 if...?"
Two years from today, I will begin 50 years of once-in-a-lifetimes. Of extraordinary love. Limitless joy. A soul-deep happiness and peace. It's not too late. Never too late. Perhaps the dominoes have already started to fall? And by 2018, miracles will be made manifest. Eighteen means life, did you know???
My heart doesn't heal. Because my heart doesn't bend. I believed I could make it do what I wanted. Like my body. Such hubris! Leo pride, too. I wanted happiness after heartbreak. The problem in that desire was not having a clear understanding of the nature of love. At least, the nature of love as my loyal heart perceives it.
You can direct your body to do anything and it will blindly follow. Your heart, however, is not so easy to sway. Everything I did was wrong as a result. Everything. Even running away from my runner. Oh, the cosmic irony of my world!
I attended a funeral mass yesterday. The man who died leaned against the railing at the side of the church, listening to his family members do readings. He was complaining that it was the "boring parts" and wondered when the "good stuff" was going to start. He noticed me watching him and came over:
"The #PopCultureProfessor is attending my funeral? I love comics, especially Batman. And the Iron Man movies, too."
Later in the service, a friend of the family stood up and gave a speech about how "Lou" loved superhero movies, and especially, Batman comics. Yes, my life trends weird now. And it all started when the full moon was in #Leo in January 2014. Two years later, the moon is full again on that same night and day. Today.
In 2014, one of my first significant ethereal encounters followed that moon. An older man limped over to a dresser in my hotel room. Leaning heavily on it, he said, "Hello darlin'...," and the rest is history. At first, I thought I was seeing things. But I verified details with a family member of my visitor the next day. Uncanny. Like X-Men.
My ghost kept me up all night, nearly getting me stuck in a rare snowstorm in Atlanta. The same road I drove only an hour or so before was piled with abandoned vehicles later that day, stuck in the snow. It was almost as if my leaving Atlanta caused the Universe to go out of balance. Today, my ghost reminded me of that. And of the little covered bridge I almost walked to, but was too cold, my leg stiffening with every step. My leg wasn't stiff at all after I warmed up. I even ended up learning something new about myself. It was kind of a big deal, bringing me to my knees. Literally. My charmer of a ghost reminded me that I was wearing my red leather jacket at the time, "his favorite." And, jeans that no longer fit. Or is it me that no longer fits? I'm not always sure. I was in Germany the month before I met my ghost; lost a lot of dead weight. Happiness has a habit of making you healthier.
Germany was my first international travel alone; Atlanta was my first independent domestic journey. When I arrived in Atlanta in January 2014, I made the mistake of not taking the airport terminal train and walking the full distance to baggage claim to get on yet another train to the rental car center. I arrived at the hotel two hours later than I expected as a result. Which turned out to be perfect timing in the end.
A few days later, after missing my flight and having to rebook for the next morning, as well as rent yet another car, a business man also waiting in line recognized me from Austin Comic Con, a show I'd worked three months earlier. That was the second time a stranger recognized me in a public place. I had no idea then that I would be living in Atlanta a mere six months after that moment, almost to the day.
The significance of the #Leo moon continued into the next year. On January 24, 2015, my beloved father-in-law was very sick in the hospital; he would die the next day. We had gone to breakfast 20 days earlier in New York. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but he had more important things to say. So I listened, knowing his time for talking was limited. I'd return to Atlanta on January 5th to find my home shot up with arrows. It's why I named my new company Soul Arrow Entertainment and the reason a Beverly Hills jeweler-now-friend, Anne Sisteron, sent me a diamond-and-gold arrow to wear around my neck.
I was sunbathing on my patio in a bikini on this same weekend last January. Today, I hiked in 25-degrees and snow along a hillside. And no, no bikini. Or underwear. I don't believe in it. Very limiting. That's something else I don't believe in: Limits.
I'd read an article last night about lost loves. And how they eventually find each other again. When they do, almost 80% enter into long-term, happy marriages. It was written by a journalist who married her lost love after three years apart. Three years is a long time. But at least the author had the rest of her life with the love of her life. And maybe that time helped the couple grow as individuals. Maybe the negatives that separated them surfaced to be completely removed. But three years??? Three years....
For the first time in almost 14 months, I felt hope. I felt it again this evening. But then, just like that, my hopes were quickly dashed against the rocks of fear and doubt. Reality bites. So do I. Immortal fangs from another lifetime. But the strong can still be vulnerable. My pitiful cries were muffled by the sorrowful folding of my body. Almost like a wilted flower folding in on itself.
My late friend would have told me to not pay attention to that kind of stuff. To believe that numbers like 0.02% don't matter. Because it was still a chance. And a chance was all that was needed. He was right, too. It was annoying sometimes, how he was always right.
Funny how his voice is still cheering me on, even after being silenced by...who knows what. Circumstances? Bad luck? Bad decisions? Threats? Secrets? Lies? All of the above??? I don't even care anymore; I just miss him. I so wish I could translate my heart to his. Transfer my feelings through an invisible cord. Let him know that every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I send him healing, light, love, strength, peace, and incredible memories of even more incredible joy.
He knows, I think. I feel his support, too.
When you haven't reinforced a connection in the physical world through sight, sound or touch for more than a year, yet it still persists, it's a rarity. Like a diamond. That's something, I suppose. I should feel lucky, grateful. And I do. But I am human. And my hand longs to hold his, though we did not hold hands so much as each other.
I often wonder if I'm to live through this time and mourn his loss as he will be forced to mourn mine one day. That, this is the balance needed for a future that has yet to come to pass. The knocks agree. As does the flickering lamp beside me.
When "Lou" showed up to his own funeral, the speaker above my head began to buzz loudly. Others noticed, too, they just didn't know why. At the moment, my lamp is flickering because an older woman in a wheelchair just made herself known, showing me that her legs were amputated. She told me she was glad to make my acquaintance. She showed me a baby laying on her lap. I believe it was a request for the future. She'd like me to tell my babies about her, and the baby she once held. She'd like me to place my babies in her lap one day, too.
I'd be honored, ma'am....
The air gets heavier when this kind of thing happens--not always, but sometimes. There's a pressure on my chest; it gets harder to breathe. And this time, a cold spot manifested in front of my face, even though I have the heat set to almost 75 (for this same reason) and I am under a blanket. Knocking gets louder, too. I suppose it is no coincidence that I represent mostly paranormal reality TV stars. Or, that I can hear angels speak....
Who knows what I'll be able to do by this time next year??? I wish it would include holding my daughter in my arms but I think it more likely I will be writing. Oh, and my ethereal friends wish me to say they will all be there as well. Jewel says she likes purple roses tied together with white flowers, should you find yourself in a future audience of mine, and wish to throw her a small bouquet. I put one just like it on her grave, the grave she shares with her husband, Harry.
You may be wondering why me. It's a good question. But asking "why" never gets you anywhere. I'm not that exciting, but I do tend to take risks; they like that. My heart, again. It is bold. But my mind is fairly beaten down. And on days when I'm stuck in bed, too depressed to move, my invisible entourage slips through other doorways.
Speaking of which....
Have you ever wondered what the Dead have to say about human religious beliefs surrounding death? I have. Public psychics tend to avoid such questions. But I'm not a public psychic. So I asked while in church; I was curious. The resounding answer, even from those who had been hard-core believers, was: "Limited."
Luckily, I'm not. It is not always easy to remember that, anchored by pain, by decades of suffering. But I am not just an immortal with a grieving soul. I am #WonderWoman. I am Diana, goddess of the moon and the hunt. The Universe proved it to me. Leos always require blinking red signs to fully believe in what they otherwise cannot quantify:
An antlered stag and a wolf have both stood with me in the forest and the fields as I looked upward at the moon, also looking down at me. On my neck, a golden circle encompassing an arrow of diamonds, catching the Moon's light. My light. Because it comes from the Sun. And so do I....