For, I will remember you
I will remember your eyes looking in mine
I will remember your smile
And the look of pure joy on your beautiful face
As your gaze moved across space and time
I will remember how you let me lean into you
And how you stole a kiss
Did you know that was a first for me?
No one had ever dared before
But you did
That was a magical moment
You and I
You were pure light
And I couldn't stop looking at you
You couldn't stop looking at me either
How things have changed....
When we next met, you saw me and your face lit up
Like it had the first time
But when I didn't stop
When I didn't cry
Or, break down
You turned red
Your face dropped to the floor
I saw shame
I saw embarrassment
I saw love, too, in that first pure moment
Like our last
Then, you bristled...pushed it away, and me with it
But I love,
I love you.
If you'd let me, I'd say it a thousand times more
I'd say it forever
If you'd let me....
But you won't
So, I can't
We are at yet another impasse
Some things just aren't meant to be
You're not used to worthy women
As in, women who aren't prone to codependency
I once thought you an angel
Michael came to me in a golden field
He told me he'd see me again
But as a man
And I'd know him when I saw him
Seeing you for the first time was truly unique in my long experience
A switch was flipped
I heard Michael's voice
It was a confirmation and a warning
Then, I saw him
Michael. Wings and all. On you.
I'm not surprised you showed up again
But I was surprised you didn't say hello
Even after I said it first
Let me guess...you were insulted?
Offended that I still look beautiful?
Horrified by my perfect smile???
You loved me for all of that before
But you don't love yourself
So you get angry at me
For making you face the things you can't face and still live your life
It's not supposed to be hard to love
You've gotten so used to surviving, you've forgotten you can thrive, too
You will never be my future
You will always be my past
Echoes of a baby crying haunt you
That was the shame on your face, wasn't it?
Seeing me on that day of all days
Why come, knowing I'd be there?
(I gave you the dates...surely, it wasn't a coincidence)
Your ongoing battle with self-sabotage is a yoke around your neck....
Good luck to you
Good luck to your girls, too
All of them
They'll need it
Luckily for me, I don't need anything
But I did want a hug. Still do.
Maybe next time....
PS: If you want to drop the guy who hurt me, I'd be grateful. You were with me in my head when it was happening. Do you know what made me feel less angry (and less scared)? Thinking of you and my local friends, smiling, nodding, waiting. Then, when he goes out for a smoke, you punch him square in the face. He goes down like a sack of potatoes. You spit on the ground before you say, "That's for Rebecca...she's one of us. We'll all be watching you from now on. So mind yourself. Or next time, you won't be able to get up again."
Yeah, that's how it goes....