Awakening is a process. It does not happen overnight. Nor should it. When you begin to awaken, it is but the beginning. Every day, you will learn more. Even those who feel awake now have so much more to learn. Feeling "awake" is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Your life will eventually match how you think and feel as a result of awakening. But it takes time.
When we expect ourselves or others to "wake up," we tend to have little patience for what is a process. When you physically wake with a start or have to get up at the urging of an alarm but haven't gotten enough sleep, being "awake" is slow-going. You may even take longer to get things done because you weren't really ready to wake up yet. And, the rest of your day is low-energy, too. You may rally toward the end of the day, depending on what you eat and how much sunshine you get, but the day itself is never quite right.
When it comes to waking up our infinite-selves, we need to be patient, not pushy. For, it is not the soul that is newly awake. It is us. Our minds. We are just learning how to open what we were taught since birth to keep tightly shut. Deprogramming is not easy. It's not quick. If you want it to stick, you have to process everything that's happening to you. You have to see it all, recognize it, acknowledge it, think about it, let yourself feel about it--and, that all takes time.
No one hears a ticking clock louder than cancer patients. All we hear is the tick-tick-ticking of our lives. For a few blissful years, well, really, just over one, #Love allowed me to feel free. #Love frees us, you see. Yes, there are lots of #TwinFlames out there running from it, and non-#Twins, too. #Love can feel scary because people feel unworthy. All the old baggage from not just other romantic love-relationships, but your first love relationship with your mother, your father, your siblings, and other family members, colors your relationships as an adult. Even decades later.
As you awaken, you begin to see patterns in your life. You are then more free to choose how your life unfolds because your mind is now aware of how and why you make the choices you make, even down to the people you are attracted to. Here's an example; like all my examples, it's taken from "real" life:
A young man's first choice in a life partner is made at a young age (around 20) before he has any real life experience. The young woman he chooses is attractive, smart, ambitious...she seems to be family-oriented, seems to have her priorities straight. But she comes from a dysfunctional home led by a malignant narcissist who found quiet ways to hold her down. One of her parents is emotionally and/or physically absent; no matter what this young woman does, it seems the world is against her. Because, essentially, it is.
The young man is attracted to this young woman, not only because he finds her green eyes attractive, but because she represents one of his parents on some level. The young man unwittingly chose a person that felt familiar to recreate and work through aspects of his own family dynamic. It's why the young woman made him feel so comfortable upon their first meeting. And, because he was unaware of what was behind his choices--or, not yet awake--his choice to be with her was not really a true choice. As a result, the relationship, though it feels like "real" love, becomes toxic. But he does not want to leave, feels almost compelled to stay. And, he does. It takes literal years to disentangle, causing emotional scars, financial problems, not to mention the fact that the young man did not continue his education and had worked minimum wage jobs ever since. The drama and difficulty in the toxic relationship caused him to feel as though he could not trust himself. His confidence was shot. But thanks to supportive parents, when he finally decides to leave, he is free to do so. Once he feels safe and stable, he re-evaluates his choices, rebuilds confidence and makes a better decision when faced with what is "real" love.
Some of you may see yourselves in this example. But it's actually a family member--the kind I'm related to by DNA.
We are not all as lucky as our young man in the example. Most of the time, when we choose a life-partner, we are essentially stuck. "Waking up" may happen after five or six years, but unless you have supportive family who can help you, you cannot make a drastic change because you are now at least financially, if not also emotionally, co-dependent on your spouse or partner (please see the June 2015 archives for an essay on what being codependent means). Even if real love finds you, and you know it's the best thing to ever happen to you, you may choose to stay in a toxic relationship, not just because you lack the emotional, physical and financial support to truly break free, but because you do not recognize why you made the choices you made in the first place.
Today, the young man in our example may still not fully recognize why his first love relationship felt so right when it was so wrong, but through the support of his family and friends, he is now free to choose a new life partner who supports his dreams, makes him want to be a better man, helped him get healthier and stay healthy, helped him rebuild his credit and become financially independent, rebuilt his confidence, and generally, makes his life a happy life every day. If our young man did not have good familial support, his first choice of life partner could have ruined his life, or at least the first 10-15 years of it. But because he had people in his corner, regardless of whether or not he understands the psychology behind his decisions today, the young man was able to get out of a toxic relationship, heal, and, not only find real love, but have the courage to keep it. Cherish it. And, live a happy life, which includes plans for a happy future, home-ownership, starting his own business, going back to school, and having a family.
Had our example young man stayed in a relationship that proved toxic, he may have been in his mid-to-late 30's before "waking up" with the wherewithal to start over. But by then, the young man, no longer "young," would be so abused, so damaged, it's likely that even if he did find real love somehow, he'd be unable to keep it. That is the real secret to awakening your mind. You must stop apologizing for your truths. Forgive yourself for the sins you committed because of the cage you were kept in. Embrace who you are--not who people want you to be, not who society says you should be, and not what a person you married when you were only 20 feels you are obligated to be. Be who YOU actually are.
It is hard to wake up. That's why it takes so long sometimes. Shannon Alder, who comes from the Mormon community and writes non-fiction, has this great quote that applies to why awakening can be such a process:
"Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in."
When we make decisions as young people, unless we have supportive family members, those decisions are reflexive. Based on the psychological "cages" we were kept in by mostly well-meaning family and friends. We are not living an authentic life, just an automatic one. Based, not on experience that we do not yet have, but on what we think the world is supposed to be. THAT is our "cage," as Alder puts it.
Psychological development takes time. Being "legal" at 18 does not mean you are ready to make major life decisions at 18, 19, 20, and so on; it only means the Federal government needed to legalize an acceptable age for military recruitment. We do not really come into our own until well after 25, often closer to 30. That is when true choices can be made, but only if we allow ourselves to recognize why we make them, who we are, what we want, and where we wish our futures to go.
Without familial support and/or financial independence, awakening can be a frustrating, painful process; it requires patience. Balance. But, even if you find yourself awake yet unable to act because of lack of support or financial resources, you should know that you have awakened now because you have the tools to find and build what you need. To become independent. Develop a support system outside of your genetic family if their version of support is not so much about building you up, but holding you down. Remember, if there is one clear theme in this Universe, it is that there are no coincidences. Synchronicity abounds. So do the signs.
I cannot believe how much numerological synchronicity pointed to signs of what was to come even before I knew it myself. Even before I'd heard the term #TwinFlame. Even before I read a single page of Goodwin's book on the meaning of numerical patterns. I recently listened to the last voicemail I sent my #Twin. It was made at 11:11 (before I knew what that meant) and received at 9:36 on a "9" day. Little did I know when I sent it that 11:11 is what I am (1+1+1+1=4, and my soul number is a "4"), or, that the person I sent it to was actually my #TwinSoul. The time "9:36" is two "9's" in numerology. In Kabbalah, "36" means double life. That's important. Because, when combining the "9" from the day and the double "9's" from the time, you get "999." That number represents completion, evolution, new beginnings.
When I put those puzzle pieces together, I couldn't help but smile. Why? My last voicemail to my #Twin communicated not blame or anger or sadness, but was about a minutes' worth of happy moments, and, that if he magically appeared in front of me, despite anger, doubt, fear, and the injuries he's responsible for, I'd hug him, then tell him he's an idiot. It happens to him every time we're separated at Earth. I have a feeling he takes on the garbage to help me in some way, even if it ends up hurting me. I do the same for him. At least, the theory is that our souls each take on bodies that have deep karmic debts to help one another. I believe it, mainly because of the numbers. Numbers don't lie. That's why mathematics is the universal language. If I'm me, and I am, and, I'm planning this whole ridiculous lifetime somewhere in the ether, I'm building in codes, to help jog my intuitive memory, knowing I'll see it. The patterns. It's my unique talent; I was born with a gift for language. Language is nothing more than a series of patterned signs and symbols.
It hurt my #Twin to separate. I don't know much, but I do know that he loves me, no matter what. We were total strangers from completely different regions of the world, completely different backgrounds, yet somehow met in the middle of our lives because our connection is THAT strong. Easy to find people who are like you, live around you, have a similar background...they're a dime a dozen. Imagine the kind of connection that has to exist when you meet a person not because they happen to drive by the spot where you were standing, but because your souls connect against all odds, across space and time. The Universe itself seems to create opportunities that remove 1,000 miles worth of obstacles in order for you to meet. And, when you do finally meet, it's not like, "Hi, how are you?" It's more like unparalleled joy at recognizing a face you've known for 1,000 lifetimes:
"It's really you!" endlessly echoes into eternity, like two mirrors facing each other in an infinite series of visual "echoes" that can be seen and heard by all of Heaven....
Yup. When you've experienced what I have, there's no denying this Universe is much greater than we know or can even begin to understand. I used to call people who talked about the things I now embrace as "hippies."
Let me just put it out there:
I have been humbled. Many times over now. I lay before you all, prostrate, naked, vulnerable, yet unafraid. If you are reading this, it is because you need to. It is because there is some truth in my story meant for you.
I was given the tools to tell stories. To narrate chaos. Create order. And, the karmic debt that would strip me bare in order to translate that experience in an accessible, engaging and informative way for each of you. My former students will recognize that recipe for success. Who knew I was really teaching you all, not as people, but more as souls??? Well, I guess we all knew that on some level. We all improved each other's lives so much. And, continue to. Like magic.
I love you all. I'm proud of you all. Every single day.
And, I'm proud of you, too. The stranger reading my words to improve yourself. You are looking for light. No matter what you did in your past, or how "bad" you think you are, you are now on a different path, or you would not have found me.
Be well. All of you. Even those who I would consider enemies (because you shot at me with arrows and broke into my home repeatedly and killed and hurt and abused others as well...). Yes, even those. Live long enough to let life wash over you. Baptize you in a torrent of karmic debt, cleansing your soul while filling your lungs until you can't breathe. You are given life to create joy. If you have created misery, you also have the capacity to create the opposite. We live in a world of opposites. Reflections of our shadow-selves. Kindness becomes cruelty. Love becomes hate. The most tender, compassionate lover becomes a hard-hearted, hateful destroyer. It does not often happen in the opposite direction, where a sinner becomes a saint. But, it can....
Hey, if I exist, so, too, can you.
#TwinFlame Post-Script: Happy birthday to my fellow #Twin, Keri...rock on girl! You've got this!!! #1111