My most recent encounter--just yesterday--saw a cheater tell me that he's "only" cheated twice. "Only" twice, eh??? Does that make you a martyr of some kind? A better husband because it hasn't been more than twice??? You mean, twice besides the third attempt you just made with me? Or, is it really "only twice" meaning a minimum of four times or more...am I right? I bet I am. You were just throwing out what you hoped would be an acceptable number--statistically speaking, half of the real number. Of course, there was another recent cheater who claimed to have "never" cheated on any of his wives. Plural. So...no cheating, except for what you intended to do with me??? That makes me feel SO much better! Because, for someone who's never cheated, you sure seem eager to cheat. Oh, you don't text with anyone except me??? Don't I feel special...I'll just go ahead and take your word for it then.
If a married man is willing to cheat at all, it's a sign of a major problem. But maybe not the problem you'd expect....
In very general terms, men are pretty low-maintenance. When a guy is single and meets a woman he finds relatively attractive, and that woman is decent to him and makes him feel safe, chances are good that, in time, she will become his wife. Not because the guy is crazy in-love with her...but because he feels like she'll be a good wife. A good mother to his future children a.k.a. he knocked her up and feels getting married is necessary. In other words, men are not seeking the same kind of it's-really-you moment women crave when they propose marriage. They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, but the truth is, men tend to settle for what they feel is the best they can get, not what they really want. Men (and women, too) are afraid to be alone. Companionship seems to be prioritized over love. It's seems more practical, too.
Or, is it???
Inevitably, marrying an attractive, good-natured companion you may "love" (but are not in-love with) leads to unhappiness. And, unhappiness in marriage inevitably leads to cheating. Why? Because, good enough is never enough. Never will be. We are all programmed to seek freedom. Freedom comes from joy. If you're unhappily married, you don't have much joy. Or, freedom. That means you feel pretty lonely as well. So, you will react to your environment by seeking freedom through joy in an attempt to survive your unhappy, lonely life. The sad thing is, you don't have to just survive. All you have to do is give yourself permission to thrive.
To the men out there reading this, and recognizing yourselves as you do, you may want to think about the proverbial shoe being on the other foot...what if your wife felt that way about you? That, she is only with you because she wants to avoid custody issues, because she doesn't want to change her lifestyle, because she doesn't want to split her assets in half??? Is that what you would want? A person who only pretends to love you? Your wife merely tolerating you because disentangling from you is too expensive and/or complicated???
Honesty is always the best policy. If you're in a marriage that has ended in every way outside of the legally-binding contract you signed a decade or more before, you need to talk to your wife--not cheat on her. No one wants to be surprised with a divorce when your last child graduates from high school. Personally, I'd be pissed. I don't want or need ANYONE who doesn't also want or need me. What a colossal waste of my time. You could free your wife years earlier than you intend to, at a point when she may yet still feel attractive enough to find a man who isn't going to do what you are doing to her right now. And, by the way...she already knows how you feel. You think you're fooling her, but you're not. You're lying. There's a difference.
It's disgusting and selfish behavior to manipulate a woman into loving you and caring for you because it makes your life easier. But the offense doesn't end there. You do things that deliberately mislead your wife into believing you are a loving, supportive spouse when you know you are not in love with her. That's beyond unfair to the person who takes care of you, makes you a nice meal once in a while, sucks your cock, and helps you clean up your messes. And, if she doesn't do any of those things...why the fuck do you want to stay with her???
Women do more than what I describe above, of course. We make a home "homey." We keep it clean, organized, stock it with food, cook, bake, and prepare our home to receive friends, guests, family members--even business colleagues. We make parties for our husband's parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. We deliver food to friends, family, neighbors. Uphold social contracts through things like time-appropriate gift exchanges, sending cards, flowers, thank you notes, etc.. We create and maintain friendships, develop professional contacts, network, care for our own families, and, all while educating and working ourselves. So yeah, EVERY woman deserves a man who fully appreciates ALL that women do. That's why, if you're married to a woman you don't really love or appreciate anymore, for fuck's sake, tell her. Not in five years. Not in ten. NOW.
If you don't, you're nothing but a coward. Plain and simple.
Cheaters who say they've "only" cheated once are liars.The intention of any cheater is to at least attempt to take advantage of a woman's vulnerability through deliberate omissions, vagaries and general deceit. And, it's never just once. Never.
We all do what we want because we get a reward from those actions. If a man cheats and his wife still accepts him after learning of his transgressions, it becomes acceptable for him to continue to cheat on her whenever the next viable opportunity presents itself. Because, even if a woman intends for her acceptance to represent a desire to renew trust and love, all it really does is reward your cheater for cheating. When you reward negative behavior, that negative behavior will repeat. Psychology 101.
Women who are in a love-relationship with a married man--perhaps because he lied at the start of the relationship--should know that any man willing to cheat on a spouse is not in love with you. And, never will be. He's not in love with his spouse either, but that's her problem. The only thing a cheater is in love with is the sex he has with you--because, you're not his wife. Bad news for his wife; it means sex with her is woefully inadequate. He'll never really be attracted to her sexually again. If you're married for more than five years and the sex hasn't been cutting it, it never will. If a cheater returns to a wife after initially leaving, she should know he's only back because the woman he really wants to be with kicked him out for being a cheater in the first place. That's why I pity the wives of cheaters. Deep pity.
A cheater is not able to fall in love with an actual woman; he is only ever in love with sex with another woman. The other woman likely does not know or understand this because of the cheater's lies. You see yourself being his wife one day--because he encourages you with things like talk of a future family. But unless he's left his wife and you're living together, it's an affair. Even then, it's a good possibility that he is still engaged in a sexual relationship with who you think is his ex-wife. No matter the circumstances, a cheater is a pathological liar; he will lie to both his wife and his affair-partner on a continuous basis to hedge his bets. That way, he gets to keep the comforts of home while also getting the excitement of sex with someone new.
If you're the unwitting affair-partner of a cheater, the moment you become aware of the situation--as crushing as it will be--you have to end it. And, never look back. If a man does that to you before you are even married, what do you suppose it will be like when you are??? Let the woman he's already married to worry every time he walks out the door. If he was interested in being with you, someone else will be, too. Someone better. Because, scum always rises to the top first. Once it's cleared, you'll have no problem finding your Prince Charming.
The married man who deliberately and repeatedly deceives a woman to sleep with her--and, in doing so, chooses to be disloyal to his wife, a woman he made a public (legal) commitment to--is a misogynist at heart, no matter how blue his eyes are. On some level, even if unconsciously, such a man despises women. His mother perhaps was a conspirator in his childhood abuse, or watched him being abused and said nothing...or, maybe she made him rub her feet when he was a little boy. Whatever the context, the man with mommy-issues is almost always the man who cheats on his wife. Or at least, abuses her in some form or other. His wife inevitably plays the role of "mommy" in his mind. He wants to rebel against "mommy" and her rules so he cheats to get back at his actual mother while ruining at least two other women's lives. This is covered in Psychology 201. It's also common to men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The clock just turned 2:24...lol, no coincidences.
I explained to the latest cheater who approached me that he was just one of many in 2016 alone who wanted to cheat with me. After thinking about it, the number is upwards of 23 as of yesterday. Yup, 23 different men had hopes of achieving some sort of fantasy with me. I'm not exaggerating, sadly. Most contacted me through social media, including Linked-In. The reasons Cheater #23 gave me were hysterical, because--though a cheater wants you to feel sympathy for why he's being a naughty boy--the reasons are literally ALWAYS the same. Cheaters all talk the same way, too, often calling their affair-target not by her name but by adjectives like "Gorgeous," and "Beautiful." Know why??? Because, that way, they never call you the wrong name by accident.
Cheaters almost always describe their wives as "room-mates" as well. You don't have a legal obligation to care for or fuck or financially-support a room-mate. In fact, you have no obligation to a room-mate at all. This use of persuasive language is covered in Writing and Rhetoric 101. It's called logical fallacy--an idea that seems to make sense, despite being a complete and total lie. You'll see this rhetorical technique quite a bit in the upcoming American Presidential debates. That should tell you something about politics in relation to liars, cheaters and thieves.
No cheater has ever thanked me for saying "no," even though, they should. Usually, if I don't immediately block them, I get ignored. Marginalized. Given the silent treatment. Punished for being the "better" person. Of course, I'm not better. I'm just a woman, which means I have more oxytocin. That translates into my seeing obvious connections that evade men thanks to their brain chemistry resulting in emotional containment. Now, we're getting into Bio-chem--somewhere around the 300-level, I believe.
By the way, when a cheater goes dark, disappears, stops texting--it's because he's been caught with his pants down. Either by his affair-partner, or, his wife. A cheater feels humiliated, terrified, and embarrassed all at the same time when this happens--not that it will deter him from future forays, mind you. Just a temporary interruption to a cheater. He'll be extra sweet to his wife in the hopes she'll eventually loosen the reigns again. Tell her things like, "Even though I may have strayed, it's you I came back to. You're the last woman I'll ever love for the rest of my life. I love you to the moon and back, baby...."
Once he's charmed his wife back into submission, the cheater can continue to have fun with the next woman stupid enough to listen to his lies. But this time, he knows his wife feels so insecure, that she'll take him back again. And, again. And sadly...again. She'll even let him fuck her. After he put his tongue God-knows-where in God-knows-who, he'll stick it in his wife's mouth to kiss her. For that alone, ladies...the answer to your cheater should forever and always be a hard "no."
It doesn't take a semester of college classes to figure out that cheating is wrong. It also doesn't require a Ph. D. to know that when you are married but miserable, you have no right to spread your misery to others. If you're the unfortunate man too cowardly to solve his own problems, keep them to yourself. Stop using people as Band-Aids. It's unethical to the extreme, not to mention patriarchal. Just because I'm an attractive woman does not mean I should to be available to you, or any other man. I'm not your whore. And, I have no interest in you being mine.
Sex alone is not enough of a reward for women--especially with a cheating man. So what if the sex is good? It can only ever be temporary with a cheater. That leads to heartache. Hopelessness. No woman wants that, no matter how amazing you think your dick is. The promise of things like laughter, or lunch, or even the random expensive gift or weekend away is also not enough. I don't want to fly to your house on Kiawah Island, Mr. CEO. I don't want to meet you in a fancy hotel room and get room service, Mr. Fortune-500. I can do that for myself, minus the drama of an angry wife.
No woman needs to be with a cheater to feel loved or get attention--not even the cheater's wife. Have you seen my pictures??? I'm an intelligent, talented, accomplished, and attractive woman...yeah, I'm fucking hot-as-hell, and, I know it. So, why is it cheaters think I'd ever even consider them as an option??? You all are looking for desperate hoes. Not me. I can actually be with a mentally- and emotionally-stable, educated, good-looking, healthy, hygienic, and gainfully-employed man who loves me enough to not only be with just me--but be with me for a lifetime. Take me to Paris. Buy me diamond earrings and iPads and never ask me for a dime, or, expect me to give him anything but my love. By the way, that's what every woman wants. Without exception.
We all deserve the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. Men and women alike. Even if you're a cheater. Or, a cheater's wife. That's why I wrote this essay--yes, I may have wanted to humiliate those of you who cheat just *a little* bit--but more than that, I wanted to deliver a message of hope and healing:
If you're reading this right now, it's time to give yourself permission to break free of the social cage keeping you prisoner. When you do, it makes room for happiness in your life. If you can't be honest with yourself enough to live an honest life, you need to ask yourself why. Self-sabotage is what cheating really is. Same psychology for wives who take back a cheater. It's self-punishment derived from self-loathing. Two wrongs never make a "right." If you can learn why those underlying feelings exist, you can begin to truly live a life of freedom. Unconditional love of the self leads you to your heart's desire:
Genuine, sustainable joy....