Do you know how meaningful that is to me? It's beyond eloquent expression....
Beyond words. Beyond time. Beyond this physical existence. You "hear" me. And I can't help but feel a great swell of gratitude for it. I want you to know that I hear you, too. All of you. Each of you. Your prayers. Your fears. Your joy. The moments you spend waiting for the right answer, dreading the wrong one. I wish I could tell you that everything you want will happen. I wish it, so much. All I can say is that, things aren't always the way they seem. Sometimes, the Universe has to let us experience great beauty at the risk of great pain. When that happens, we feel like there is no more left for us here. Even then. Despite your abusers. Despite the people who make you feel small. The ones who go waaay out of their way to accuse you of crimes when they should be going out of their way to thank you instead--yeah, I know a few of those, too.
Negativity is so seductive, isn't it???
We all have that fantasy. You know the one...where you hurt the person who has hurt you??? It's not as satisfying as it sounds. The pain you have does not go away when you hurt someone else. In fact, it only gets worse. More frustrating. More sad. More hopeless. How do I know?
My words are like so many tiny daggers, stabbing at the people who hurt me. Stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. Immortalizing their sins. These fallen saints. For more than a million people in 82 countries to see. To feel. To hear. And now, I cannot stop the bleeding....
Curiosity brings them. Over, and over, and over again. Like memories of the lover you will forever miss. That unforgettable embrace. Unforgettable because, that lover? The one you loved beyond anything imaginable within the human experience??? That person betrayed you. Took your sweet smiles. Took the moments you bit hard into your soft lip. The moments where the pleasure and joy were so immense, all you could do was yell out:
"Gawd help me...oh gawd, oh gawd...help me...."
You'd die a thousand deaths over a thousand lifetimes to make those moments real again. Because, you know whatever the betrayal was, your lover still loves you. Loves you the way you love their warm embrace. The accepting look of approving eyes, wanting you, loving you, feeling relief in seeing you again. Not in a static picture. Or, by happenstance while driving down the road. Real life. Real bodies. Holding each other. Knowing today what can only be known when something lost is found again.
I relive those moments every day of my life. Every day. I know you do, too. Know the searing pain of your loss. Loss that feels eternal. Not because of Death. Because of silence. Deafening silence. Some people think themselves clever for their silence. But silence is just an unspoken lie. It's fear...their silence. You know you will die one day, still wishing, hoping and dreaming that love somehow overtook their insipid silent fear. And, miraculously, the last eyes you get to see, are the ones you missed for a lifetime.
Yes, I know your pain....
I know the feeling of losing a child. Of losing yourself. Of losing your fortune, your home, your partner, your job, and your sanity. I know the pain of being an orphan. Forgotten. Unloved. The pain of waking up in a surgical suite with a blue sheet over your head, blood splattering in front of your eyes as doctors try to remove what looks like harmless gelatin from your skull--a skull that has been crushed by the surgical saw, so fragile are its pieces from previous assaults. And, battery.
I know what it means to wail your pain into the pitch of the night. To hear your lover outside of your window, but never see his face again...except in the shadows of your dreams. And, on a security camera as he breaks into your home. I know the pain of realizing that there is no pain great enough to stop you from loving that which should be scorned. I know the pain of recognizing your own self-sabotage. Of seeing how you punish yourself because some unkind, miserable thing made you feel dark and ugly and monstrous when you were really pure and bright and beautiful.
My beloved(s), release that pain to me. And, in its stead, take my light. It is our light. I'm here to share it. Through words. No more silence:
Let no person shake you from knowing the peace of release. Let your soul fly on my winged back, soaring ever upward. Higher and higher into the starry night above, beyond the moon, beyond our galaxy...and far beyond the eye of god. All you need do is think of me. That's it. Now, take a deep breath. You are free.
What's that? You wish to grow wings of your own???
You can. But I must warn you, it is the most painful thing you will ever know.