Long before Amy Schumer was called a "sex comic," I was standing on stage at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston with guys like Dane Cook, making jokes about cocks and cunts--not necessarily in that order, of course. Don't pretend to be shocked. Haven't you heard??? Sinners make the best saints. I'm neither. But my life has been full of sadness. So much of it, I can't get through a single day without breaking down. Like most comedians, I turned my pain into laughter. When other people start laughing, I do, too. It feels good to make folks smile. Maybe, like me, they're in my audience because their life is currently a suck-fest. Rather than cry together, I'd much prefer we laugh.
Being bawdy with my body isn't hard to do; nature's gifts make my jokes even more funny. As does my saying "shocking" sexual things as a "woman"...and, that's the point. Not to shock you but to entertain you. I'm quite good at it, too. Besides, I only say the things you yourself are thinking. And, you know it. What you don't seem to know is that my comedy routine is just that, a planned, practiced, perfected, professional act. An act designed for your entertainment. Nothing more.
After every show, whether live or on air, there's always someone who mistakes my comedy for the real deal. As if my professional persona was more than it is: An act. That's a problem. Yours. But it becomes mine all-too often. Reality can be hard to swallow (though coffee drinkers do "taste" better, lol), so, let me ask you the one question that should help you take my full load:
Do you really believe an award-winning college professor, social theorist, feminist scholar, transnational researcher in women's oncology, international best-selling author, polyglot of more than five languages, owner of multiple trademarks with an annual reach totaling one-million, CEO of her own LLC, Entertainer hired for a three-year tour with Wizard World (now infamous for interviewing over 200 pop culture icons), author of a syndicated blog with over 900,000 readers from 54 countries, and, last but not least, merit- and honors-scholar who holds four college-degrees, including an international Doctorate, is just sitting around, waiting for you to cum all over her (otherwise flawless) face and tits???
In the words of Aerosmith, "Dream on...."
For the record, I'm not untouchable. My grieving soul is on intimate terms with heart-break. And, while I may miss my recent losses for the rest of my life, it doesn't mean I'm not still living my life. Even if I die a little more each day, I'm very much alive. Dead inside, but not buried. Not yet.
What you see me do in the entertainment world is really just my job. One of many professional hats I wear (blame it on the ADD). But being an entertainer's not just a job; I love what I do. And, I love the people who tune in to hear me, buy tickets to see me, purchase books I've written, support me on social media, and of course, read me on this very blog (welcome to 54 countries and counting!). If I could convey one message to all of you, it would be this: I'm not a "sex comic" because I'm looking for sex. With men or women. Though frankly, I'd go both ways in the right situation with the right people....
I have men come on to me all the time. Women, too. Can't go to the gym without having some dude muscle up on the cardio equipment next to me and start talking away, "So, um, do you like blowfish? Cuz I know this great blowfish place."
Do you now??? Outside of the fact that you're giving me a line from the 1990's (think it was Regarding Henry with a young Harrison Ford), I'm at the gym to work out, not to be asked out. And, I don't care if you look like a 25-year old Chris Hemsworth or 28-year old Keanu Reeves...it ain't happening, y'all. And yeah, dudes in their 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's talk to me, too. Even had an 80-year old in red sweats give it a whirl once. But, regardless of age or gender, the answer is still "No."
It's the same for social media....
If you #Follow me, you will see me engage in similar comedy routines with various friends. While I always appreciate the people who support me, I don't appreciate it when someone sends me a message, asking for pictures of my feet. Yeah, that happened.
This blog is no different. Everything you read is an original. It's my work. A piece of me. But it's not always literal. A great example is an essay I wrote in January called "The Wolf." The piece is about an encounter I had the month before with a real, live wolf in the wild while hiking. Yes, it was in an isolated area. And, yes, it was almost dark. No, I don't hike at that time of day anymore. At least, I try not to. No promises!
"The Wolf" talks about how the encounter made me think of a "black wolf" from another lifetime, a lost soulmate. I was surprised when a man I once knew when we were both teens, over 25-years ago now, contacted me when I published the piece. Because he once had dark hair (though today, I understand he's completely bald), he somehow equated the "black wolf" to himself. We haven't seen each other or spoken in well over 25 years...why on Earth would I be talking about him??? I wouldn't. And, more importantly, I wasn't. Writing is literary, not always literal. My twin-soul is actually a blonde.
Another guy I went on one date with 26-years ago found me on social media this year. He started talking about that movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale, Serendipity, and that's when I told him, unequivocally, "No."
That's what I'd say to anyone who approaches me for romantic reasons through social media, my website, or any other internet venue. Even if you're spinning next to me on a bike at the gym, I have a big bag of N. O. for you. What's that??? You're a friend of a friend? The answer is still, "No."
And guess what??? It will always be, "No."
I haven't dated many men. The number of intimate partners I've had doesn't even require the use of both hands to count them. Know why? Because I know who I am. More importantly, I know what I want. I don't have to compromise either. No one does. But sometimes, it can sure feel like it.
People get lonely, desperate, confused. I've been there; it's not an easy place to be. While I have more compassion than I should for certain souls, I'm not here to reinvigorate your marriage. I'm not here to make you feel better about that tire you're sporting around your middle. However, I am here to make you laugh, make you think, make you feel more positive about your life. And, I don't have to fuck you to make you do or feel those things.
Shocker, I know....
A piece of advice for anyone out there who thinks they're somehow different or special, that, you'll be the man to make me say, "Yes," when everyone else gets a, "No":
To get the attention of any worthwhile human being, make good choices. Don't cheat on your spouse if you're unhappy. And don't ask me to cheat with you. No, I'm not interested in having a threesome with you either. Get a divorce. Live an honest life. Do good for yourself and others. Basically, don't be a dick.
Picking up what I'm putting down??? Users and abusers are the snake-oil salesmen of the 21st century; I've met more than my fair share. Thanks, but no thanks. Asshats need not apply. And, more importantly, I'm not accepting applications anyway.