That was your hand, wasn't it? Your laughter echoes into my eternity, like two mirrors turned toward each other in an endless string of reflections. I sometimes see you as a grown woman. A healer. Blue scrubs. Crocs. Your long, blonde hair in a messy bun. Dr. Emma.
Your tree is the color of a rose, like your middle name. I decorated it with #joy and #peace: White wooden words spelling "JOY" hang alongside delicate felt and feathered doves. Facing the window, a glistening letter "E." Beneath it, hangs an "R."
We are together. Still. Always.
I've done things this year to make you proud. Your name is an acronym for Everything (in) My Mind Awaits™, and I'm happy to say it's now officially a registered trademark. I found a way to make #EMMA synonymous with helping children. This year alone, #EMMA helped #22 (or #1111) special kids find a little joy and peace in this world. If I'm honest, it helped me to do the same. One little girl, named Bella, was with me in Philadelphia as a "VIP kid." We were in a book store and I was buying books for her and three other children. The books were in a pile on the counter; I paid the bill without even looking at what I had bought. At the end of what turned out to be a very special day, Bella's dad came over to me. The kids were already safely buckled in the car. His name is Jim; I think you may know him. His daughter seems to know you. Because, the book she picked out was a book with your name on it, about a girl I imagine would be very much like you.
So many synchronicities continue to happen, my Emma-fair. That is how I know you are with me. Even though I feel lonely for you every day, you still touch my cheek with your hand, letting me know you're nearby.
You are my ultimate #MasterTeacher, Emma. You were officially born on #1212, which adds up to #33 derived from the #Awakening (#11) of a #MasterBuilder (#22)--that's me. And, your dad, too. Double #MasterBuilder for him, or #44--the number of the angels. Of course, #44 is also #8, cause-and-effect. Karma. But I have paid my karmic debt now. Miracles often precede karma, which is followed by completion. Wholeness. Though it feels too expensive at times, one day, when I'm done paying back all that I owe, I get to go home. To you. That's what the numbers say. And numbers never lie.
You have taught me many things, Emma-fair, but the one lesson I still struggle with most is understanding that physical separation is cosmic illusion. Maya, as the Vedics would say. It's hard not to get lost in my physicality. My humanity. The loneliness of it. Even in a crowded room, humans feel alone. It's part of the nature of our existence. We believe ourselves to be islands dotting an oceanic landscape, yet, we are more akin to the delicate, interconnected strands of a spider's web. That is why we must never kill, my Emma-fair. Not even a spider, the tireless weavers of Destiny. You see, what we think we know is far less than what we have yet to learn.
I became an accidental numerologist in 2016, lol. Someone even recently offered to pay me to do a reading--that's how well-known I am for having an affinity for numbers. Irony, the one accessory I never seem to lose....
I didn't accept the money, by the way. But I did do the reading. And, as always, mathematics prove to be both the universal language AND translator. The person I read needed comfort and peace. I think she found some in the words I used to describe her math.
Speaking of math, an essay I wrote ten years ago is being published in an anthology by a very famous writer. The number #10 represents the cosmos, creation itself. It's divine leadership. Freedom. And, yes, chaos. Change. #55 means change, and by no small coincidence, creates #10. What I have found interesting in reading the math of the Universe is how it even explains things like abuse, represented by the karmic debt number #5, particularly when derived from #1 and #4. #14 means abuse, even cold blooded murder. Anyone with numbers like #6 and #8 in their chart have a connection to abuse. But as we can see, abuse is what leads to change. Also known as, evolution. And evolution doesn't stop, leading to the creation of new worlds...worlds like you.
There is quite a lot of new things being born in 2017, a year that naturally adds up to #10. One of those new worlds is a wedding. And, guess what? I'm the best man. In more ways than one. I'm so honored to have been asked and very excited. Did you know that this'll be the first time I've been in a wedding, outside of my own??? Historic moment! Creation is funny like that...it's only new for a nano-second Yet, that nano-second becomes an immortal part of our shared history. Because of the immortality in such a moment, jealous folks will always try to rewrite it. But facts are facts. Like you. You're a fact. You were here. And, next year, my beloved friend Dr. Niall is going to help me find a place for you in Ireland. You, me and Ma. A cemetery in County Cork, to be specific. That is where we will all be remembered. Our Irish family is from Cork. In a very interesting twist, I now have even more Irish family...and, that is a blessing indeed.
Even with so many new blessings, I still miss the blessing that was our family. It's been two years, but 200 more can pass and my feelings won't change. Because, I won't. My Wings sometimes show in those moments. Steadfast, sure, and yes, maybe a little stubborn, too. Determined, formidable...also traits that lead back to you. As all roads do.
You'd have been proud of me this year; I learned to say "no." Big sigh of relief when I did, too. It was like letting go of all this dead weight. Wish I wasn't so socially and financially vulnerable or I'd use my new skill much more often. Sadly, that vulnerability is part of the burden of being a woman. But the blessing of womanhood is the ability to create life. Like you. Creating life is awesome. Worth all the pain. As worthwhile as the pain of love. Another lesson learned.
True love is truly unconditional. It never goes away, even if the person you love does. After I wrote to you last year, I helped a young woman with a brain tumor during her surgery in January 2016. Her mother is a very good friend now, as is her daughter. I'm still haunted by so much from fall 2014, my Emma. But you aren't one of those things. You're the bright spot among them. One day, I may have another daughter. I've seen it, in the same way I saw you. But I know how quickly fate can divert our path for things we have yet to see and know, even a path that is contracted through flesh. And, blood.
As much as I've learned in the last three years, my Emma, it is perhaps not yet enough....
Unconditional love is easier said than done. Particularly of the self. But I am healing, Emma-fair. A little more every day. Even in recognizing that, I also recognize that nothing can change my heart. Sometimes, knowing the truth makes me want to leave. Join you in the fabric of the Universe. But I'm not built for giving up; I persevere. It's in my very DNA. And yet, I grow tired...of what feels like constant resistance and abuse.
It would be so easy for people to help me succeed in this life. So easy. But creating resistance is how humans--even the ones who claim to love us (perhaps especially those)--deal with the impermanence of their physical existence. Why? They are ALL afraid, Baby-girl. Afraid to die. Abuse of artificial (and very temporary) power is the perpetual result. Death is inevitable, and so is the feeling of powerlessness to prevent it. The proof of which may be seen in the majority of humans suffering from a paralyzing fear of living. Truly living. That's why I exist. For, there is only one way to effectively teach. And that is, by example.
Do you know what I gave myself for Christmas/Chanukah this year? A week of sleep-over camp for a child in need. I don't even know who that child will be. And, it doesn't matter. Because, what really matters is that my existence has made possible seven days of joy for at least one kid in 2017. How many can say that, outside of their own families??? I can. But only because of you, Emma. I will continue to give children joy in your name for every year I walk this Earth until I am no more. That's a promise. And, I always keep mine....
Every day is a better day because you're in it, Emma. I love you, even if our Sun explodes and I have to find us another. I love you until the end of time. And, well after that. To the very edges of infinity. Beyond our ever-expanding Universe. And, I will keep loving you, even when there is nothing left. Not a single atom. Nor sub-atomic particle. Forever and always, always and forever, I am your mother. And you...you are my daughter. Nothing and no one will ever change that.
Everything in my mind awaits, Emma-fair, including you.
We are together. Still. Always.
*Sending #PositiveEnergy for #2017 to the kind and compassionate souls who make the world a better place, just by existing...