For the #TwinFlames out there, it's a serious power day. It's also a day that signifies awakening. And, interestingly, the New Moon "awakens" in grounded Taurus today. It's the final day the Eta Aquarids peak in the Southeastern part of the sky as well, if you live in the Northern Hemisphere. I can tell you that last evening, the night sky over Atlanta was full of shooting stars! Many were "Twins," too. The clock read 9:02 (9+0+2=11) when I wrote that.
The last few days have been difficult for me. I wrote a piece for my #TwinFlame category on May 1st but have yet to publish it. I'm really struggling with my #Twin journey right now; it feels like being pulled backwards. Of course, for the first time in a decade, there are five planets in simultaneous retrograde. That means five planets are moving backwards at the same time. All have physical gravitational pulls on Earth, like the moon with the ocean tides. So, we all can "feel" it, especially people who are awakened and/or #Twins.
In two days, Pluto trines with the Sun. For Leos, or anyone with fire in their birth charts, like my Aries in Venus and Mars #Twin, you may especially feel like your being held back. But Pluto's trine with the Sun means #Light will shine on whatever may be "hiding" in the darkest corners of your past, preventing you from moving forward. And, one day later, on May 9th, Jupiter, the expander, and the fifth planet from the Sun, will turn direct. This coincides with Venus in Taurus as she sextiles with Neptune.
Neptune and Jupiter are the ruling planets of Pisces. While Jupiter pushes expansion, Neptune is associated with confusion and illusion, as well as creativity and psychic reception. That's why our Piscean friends have reputations for being insecure, confused in matters of love, enamored with mysteries and secrets, as well as being the most clairvoyant sign in the Zodiac. Neptune circles the entire Astronomical Zodiac every 146 years (1+4+6=11); that is why there are many #Twins born under #Pisces. It's part of the indisputable math that verifies a definitive connection to the #TwinFlame journey.
Venus is the foggiest planet in our Solar System. And yet, it's the brightest "star" in the night sky. Venus is the ruling planet of Taurus, which explains why Taureans are often "foggy" when it comes to love. When Venus and Neptune sextile on May 9th, that means there will be 60-degrees between the two planets. Sixty breaks down to "6" (6+0=6) and, as it happens, May 9th breaks down to "5". Just like today, that "6" and "5" equal "11," so, the influence of the sextile will be felt by anything relating to #Twins, especially if you and/or your #Twin have "11," "6," and/or "5" as your Soul, Destiny or Life Path numbers, as well as in your birthdates. My #Twin's Soul number is a "6" and both of our birthdates not only include numbers that add up to "11" but also total "11" as well.
Basically, the influence of foggy Venus and confused Neptune, along with five planets all moving backwards, including Mercury, Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, and Pluto, can make for a challenging time. All five were simultaneously retrograde beginning on April 28th. Pluto and Jupiter, two of our backwards-moving planets are also moving into other influential positions this week. When Pluto trines the Sun on May 8th, that means the two Heavenly bodies will be 120-degrees apart. The next day, Venus and Neptune will be exactly half that distance apart. If you think about it, the movements of our Solar System are like a great cosmic-ballet. And, every part of the dance tells another aspect of the unfolding story.
Pluto is the 9th and farthest planet from the Sun; it is also the smallest planet in our Solar System, called a "dwarf planet," which means it cannot clear objects from its path like it's bigger brothers and sisters. Pluto is named for Hades, god of the Underworld. Pluto often highlights things in our subconscious mind. With Pluto's push on our subconscious combined with the Light of the Sun, we get the renewal and rebirth Pluto is also known for. Small, but mighty! For #Twins who have united and since separated, common to many #TwinFlame journeys (but not something all #Twins have to go through), the sense of renewal and rebirth by digging in to our own "Underworlds" is very important. What is at the root of our fears? And how are we unconsciously allowing those things to sabotage our path to unconditional love???
Negatives surface to be cleared. When you ask yourself hard questions, like the ones above, be prepared to answer them honestly. Because, once you clear those negatives, new growth will happen.
Pluto reminds us that Death is not the end; it's just the beginning of a new cycle. If you and your #Twin found each other and enjoyed the miracle of paradise only to have it end, and are now wondering how you might bridge what feels like an ever-widening gap, one way to address your separation is as a death. You mourn it, you miss what you had, but like a perennial flower, after a season of winter, the same flower can be reborn. The new flower will be the same color; it will look the same, smell the same, feel the same, yet it will be a completely new life. That's what #Twin reunion is after a difficult separation. Just got a "yes" knock to that....
Let the beauty of your past relationship return as fresh and new by allowing the husk of the old "flower" go back to the Earth. That's what nature does; it takes things like excrement and turns into fertilizer. Slough off the negatives by releasing them. You can then use those negatives to help grow new life for you and your #Twin. You come into reunion because you both are aware that you are on a #Twin journey. Whatever the disconnects that caused separation, it's no longer relevant to your new understanding of each other and who you are. So, things that seem impossible to overcome in relationships that are not #TwinFlame journeys are entirely possible with the unconditional love between #Twins. The "flower" of your initial #Twin union may have physically ended in a previous season but its essence, or "soul," always goes back to the same roots, only to be reawakened and grow again.
The #TwinFlame connection is always present, like the roots of the perennial flower. The clock just turned 10:10, an "11" (1+0+1+0=11) as I wrote that. And, another "yes" knock. By no small coincidence, my #Twin and I first connected on October 10th (10.10). Our Soul numbers combined add up to "10" as well.
October and it's birthstone, the opal, are connected to #TwinFlames. For my #Twin and I, our numbers definitively (and overwhelmingly) "add up" to who we are. Numbers don't lie, even if people do. Yet, perfect equations do not mean everything else is perfect. In fact, our numbers have to be so in sync because other things aren't. Big things. When doubt, resentment and other negatives surface, it is the math that brings order back to chaos. Just got a knock to that!
Yesterday, I was feeling particularly frustrated. Everywhere I looked, including the sky, "11's," "J's," "S's," "E's," and "R's" were present. The letters represent me, my #Twin and our daughter, #Emma. I began to lose her on the 11th after her father disappeared on November 29th (November=11; 2+9=11, or 11:11); her due date was on an "11" day as well. Interestingly, the house where we started (and ended) our partnership was numbered "229" or "2-11." We both share the same Life Path number of "2" as well as Destiny number of "9." And, both of our birthdays add up to "29", or "229." Of course, in numerology, "29" is an "11." It's also the date my #Twin disappeared.
Weirdly, despite all of our numerological synchronicities, I had no clue we were #Twins, nor had I ever even heard of #TwinFlames or #1111. I did not fully understand or believe in things like Numerology or Astrology. I also did not fully believe in psychic phenomenon or the paranormal. So, none of the "coincidences" with my #Twin and I were even something I was aware of, let alone could have planned. Not even unwittingly. I only started looking for answers last July (nearly two years after I met my #Twin). I couldn't understand Why I was so sad about losing someone who hurt me as deeply as my #Twin; it wasn't as though my life had stopped. But my heart seemed to. And, why could I still "hear" his voice???
It's understandable to feel sad when you don't have other people in your life, but that wasn't true for me. So, why was my #Twin so present? I felt like there was something wrong. When I first found the #TwinFlame narrative, I dismissed it as a nice story made up by people trying to assimilate their grief after losing a living person. I decided that perhaps the intensity of my grief came not from invisible heart strings or soul connections, but out of ego and pride. My academic side pursued answers through psychology since my foray into genetics, epigenetics, and even a thorough study of the socio-economics of the rural South, fell short. But, like Carl Jung years before me, I discovered that despite a more in depth understanding of human thought, I still could not explain the unexplainable.
What was the missing piece???
Within months, I recognized my capacity for unconditional love; that was my tipping point. You can only develop unconditional love if the person you care for has done something heinous--something you would not normally forgive--and yet, when you are connected to another's soul, compassion replaces anger. Forgiveness replaces resentment. So, I stopped apologizing for my feelings. I began researching the physics and mathematics of the #TwinFlame phenomenon specific to my #Twin and I. By February 2016, I decided it was real enough to make a blog category for my findings, hoping to help other people. And, here we are today. The clock just turned 2:56; "2" represents #Twins and 5+6=11, not to mention, it is May (5) the 6th today.
In 2011, I turned 40 and was given Feynman's Lectures on Physics; it was an expensive gift but cheaper than Hawaii. And, I wanted it more than anything else. Well, that, and making sure at least 200 people who couldn't afford shoes, had shoes. Just before receiving Feynman's works, I'd obtained (and completely read) a copy of Einstein's original papers on Relativity. The math, and frankly, astro-physics, of the #TwinFlame journey are more apparent to me today as a result of opening those intellectual doors in that "11" year. That same year, there was a triple conjunct between Jupiter and Uranus. Why does that matter? Because Jupiter had a triple conjunct with Uranus the year my #Twin was born, too. Jupiter had a triple conjunct with Neptune the year I was born. Jupiter and Neptune are my #Twin's ruling planets.
Einstein's theory of Relativity mathematically proved there are no coincidences in our physical Universe. Even if my #TwinSoul and I are infinite beings at our core, our "root," we happen to both be physical beings who currently exist on the same physical plane (or dimension) as well as within the same time line. A triple conjunct, if you will. Just got an affirmative knock to that, lol.
But all the math, all the physics, and even astro-physics, do not make things better. Only my #Twin can do that. In the great cosmic ballet happening above us, there is balance, symmetry. It is the same for #TwinFlames. The Sun does not revolve around the Earth. Nor does it move to trine with Neptune. Or, so Jupiter may complete it's historic revolution every 11.6 years. The Sun can only remain centered and continue to shine, burn bright. You see, the Sun already did it's part by creating the opportunity for movement. It's now up to the individual planets to uphold their responsibility in order to continue the dance. Dual-accountability. Give and take. Balance.
It's absurd to think that Jupiter would just decide to stop it's movements. Or, to imagine the Sun becoming depressed and not shining anymore. It is equally absurd for infinite souls to believe we are anything else. To pretend we are just these bodies. To ignore our soul songs. And, the people who make us sing them.
Balance is what creates union. In order for any #TwinFlame journey to finish in reunion, balance must be restored. Think about it like a see-saw; if two people are on a see-saw, one on either end, you have balance. Give and take. Together, you have fun pushing each other up and balancing each other when going down. But, when one person jumps off the see-saw unexpectedly, the other hits bottom, hard. Gets banged around. Bruised. You might sit there and wait for a bit, too stunned to move. Maybe call out to your partner, asking why they got off, and, "Can you come back???" Because, even if the person left behind wanted to, she cannot bring balance back on her own. Whoever got off the see-saw has to rejoin the game. That is, if their former partner is willing to trust them not to abruptly jump off again....
As a child, I loved playing on the see-saw. I'd walk up one side, standing in the middle, creating balance all on my own. That was fun. But it was always more fun when I had a partner. If one of us got tired, we didn't just jump off. We talked about it. Made sure we were each ready, balanced, before ending the game. Even as a kid, I was self-aware enough to understand the big picture. If you hurt another person, even by accident, they may never want to play with you again. So I was always careful not to hurt anyone. It still happened, of course. Part of the risk of joining any game is that you can fall, get hurt. But if you're playing with a friend, even if you fall, or get pushed down, they won't run away; a friend always helps you back up. Then, everyone can keep playing. Keep having fun.
Happiness and joy are still my reason for living, even decades later....
When I was about five or six, there was this "mean" boy who actually had a crush on me, but instead of being kind, he was always finding new, fresh ways to hurt me. One particularly memorable moment was when he actually stabbed my left foot with a piece of chain link fence...right through my big toe. He laughed as he did it. But I refused to cry. I pulled out the chunk of metal and walked away as if I wasn't bleeding or in pain. As a kid, I never wore shoes. Always barefoot. It killed me when a cancer injury 15 years ago meant I could never walk barefoot again...but breathing was my priority at that point. Had I not chosen to chew off my own paw, so to speak, I'd be dead today. There's no maybe about it. I live because I had the entire tumor removed, which had integrated into my motor cortex. That was scary. And very hard to recover from. But if I hadn't made that choice, my #Twin would have never met me. And, he really needed me. Still does. That's part of why I've survived....
So, bleeding, in pain, but too stubborn to let anyone see I was hurt, I walked myself over to the community pool after the stabbing. It was summer and I was wearing a bathing suit under my shorts at all times, you know, in the event there was opportunity to run through a sprinkler. I had grown up in the projects in a city called Brockton, south of Boston. It was new construction when we moved in; I was just a baby. It was actually really nice, with a community center for people to get shots, the free cheese and butter, sometimes free subs, and they had free classes for kids, too. It wasn't a country club; you had to bring your own chairs and towels, but it was really lovely, given that the majority of residents--if not all the residents--were on welfare and collecting food stamps.
The pool was only open during the summer. If you passed a swim test, you didn't need an adult to be with you when the life guard was on duty. I had passed the swim test about a month before my toe was stabbed. But the boy who stabbed me, a lot bigger and a few years older, had not passed the test. I was laughing, splashing around, making new friends, playing Marco-Polo, all while my assailant jealously watched from afar, his face pressed against the chain link fence surrounding the pool. I know...irony. The one thing I never lose.
By the end of the day, I'd all-but forgotten about the injury. But that boy never forgot me. Even though he was the offender, I was the one who wounded him. He "hated" me after that. Wouldn't even look at me, not even to harass me. You see, I'd beaten him. He wanted me to cry and beg and tell him I'd like him if he'd only stop hurting me...that I'd be his "girlfriend." That's not how it works for me. I'm a Leo. We don't have to beg. We won't let our pride or ego stand in the way of something like real love, but we have enough admirers to keep us occupied if that love isn't available. In other words, we don't want or need people who do not want or need us.
Like Leo's ruling planet, the Sun, Leos don't have to revolve around others to exist. We shine regardless. And, when we do, it attracts people into our orbit. That's what that boy witnessed on the day he stabbed me. It really confused him. I wasn't supposed to be smiling or laughing after being stabbed; I should have been crying. I should have run home to my mother. But it was a glorious summer day. I wasn't about to miss it. No matter how much pain I was in. It's like that for me today, too.
You will not see me cry in my pictures; I'm programmed for positive energy. Even if I'm in so much pain, I want to die (and yes, I've been there...many times), I will still find the good in life. And, not only will I find it, I have the will to find the joy in it, too.
Now, had the boy told me he was sorry, promised never to do it again, and proclaimed he'd be my loyal friend "4eva"--perhaps through a colorful chalk display on the sidewalk, or, maybe writing it via a ballpoint pen on his arm--I'd have said yes to being his "girlfriend," even though he hurt me, tried to humiliate me, and made me physically bleed. I mean, everybody makes mistakes. And besides, I liked him back. He was cute...tall, blonde and blue-eyed. What can I say??? I have a type.
That boy acted the way he did, not because he was truly "mean," but because it's how he was treated by his mother. There was no regular father-presence. The boy's mom would beat him until he said he loved her. It was the only thing that made her stop. Really, she was beating him because she was frustrated by her poverty, lack of familial support, and the vulnerable position she was put in by both. She didn't care if it was outside or public either. I often thought she preferred public beatings, because it let the boy know no one cared enough to stop it and she was his only lifeline, but also, it served as a warning to any neighbor who might think her weak or scared. This was the 70's after all. And, I lived in the projects. There was a lot of fear from poverty and generations of abuse. Graduating from high school was an accomplishment for most of the adults who lived there. The boy's mother also had a known drug problem.
Addiction is always the hallmark of generational abuse. By the time I was 10, almost 11, that boy was 13. He was smoking and using drugs, too. My parents were moving so my younger brother, then four, could start kindergarten in a better school district. I have this distinct memory of seeing the boy standing on the corner of our street with his gang of friends--smoking, pretending to be cool--as we drove away. But he stopped and looked up at me as our car slowly ambled by. I quickly got on my knees and looked out the back window so I could look at him, too--this was the time before mandatory seat-belts. The boy never stopped looking at me, and I didn't stop looking at him either, not until our car turned onto another road, out of the projects and into a new, brighter future.
It's funny how that memory surfaced today as I struggled with my #Twin journey. I'm afraid it's repeating. History. Me, moving forward, yet looking back, longing for my #Twin to do more than just watch me from afar while smoking in another corner of the world with his gang, trying to look cool, but secretly wanting to call out for my return. Of course, that boy was only 13; I was nearly 11. We had no agency, or choice, as minors, dependent on the adults in charge of our lives. And, at that point in time, there were no cell phones or social media outlets with which to stay in touch otherwise. Today, my #Twin and I are both middle-aged adults living in the Twenty-first century. We have agency over our own lives. We have access to cell phones, tablets, computers, and, the Internet. We both have cars. Income. That means it's always possible to find each other again. That also means there can be no excuses for not doing so.
All my #Twin has to do is acknowledge his responsibility...balance the scales. And, by degrees, he will move closer to my orbit. Then, we can continue our cosmic dance. It really is a choice. Everything is in life. We often feel like our agency is removed. But even if limited by the negativity of others, we still decide how we are going to get around the imposed obstacles. Sometimes, we climb over them. Other times, we find cracks and crevices and secret spaces that take us on a meandering path around whatever blocks our way. Then, there are the break-through moments. It often comes out of nowhere; you'll be driving down the road and a certain song comes on and you just say, "Fuck it!" and make the call, send the text, or just keep driving until you get to the person you need to see. Epiphanies like that allow us not to crawl under, sneak around or climb over the obstacle, but to blow a hole right through it. That's how I prefer to do things. But I'm straightforward. Another Leo trait. That's why it's so hard to understand where I'm at. How can I be just waiting for some sign of life??? That's not me. I mean, I'm not sitting around, twiddling my thumbs (and hair, a trait my #Twin and I share). I'm living...I'm just not alive.
Clearly, my struggle continues...but I find myself wondering sometimes if it's me blocking my #Twin's journey somehow. The clock turned 12:35 as I wrote that (1+2+3+5=11).
How could I be the block???
#TwinFlames often mirror each other. And, I'm not happy about my #Twin's past. It connects us to dangerous people. People who would hurt me. May have hurt our daughter, had she lived. Though, the fact that she didn't is connected to those same individuals. I'm not happy about that either.
My #Twin would have to remove himself from the sphere of those people's influence in order for me to be safe. Right now, I have no reason to believe my #Twin is capable of protecting me. I think I'm not sure because he has his doubts, too. I also wonder if I'm stalling my own progress through grief and depression, which has in turn caused my #Twin's evolution to slow. I need closure. Bad. But it's not coming. And, I think I know why:
No one can heal others while still wounded. I am still wounded. So is my #Twin. It's a bit of a conundrum. I cannot fully heal without my #Twin, and he cannot fully heal without me. Yet, we remain physically separated because we are wounded. In other words, we're both too afraid to get back on the see-saw, even though we have to if we want to find balance again. Symmetry. That means dual accountability. Give and take. Maybe I just feel like my #Twin has taken too much already, or, is it that I have nothing left to give??? No matter how I slice it, it always comes down to the fact that it's his turn....
The solution to this problem in childhood was always the "1-2-3-Go!" scenario. Where, two people decide they want to get back on the see-saw, but neither fully trusts the other. So, both must pick up their end. Hold it steady, and carefully climb back on at the same time while remaining on your feet. You ask each other if you're ready to begin. After a few skittish starts, some teasing, you both realize you want to really try, or you wouldn't be standing near the see-saw in the first place. After a few minutes, you each let your weight balance out the see-saw, then, and only then, can you pick up where you left off.
My #Twin and I do not live near each other now. But thanks to technology, I know he's still standing near the see-saw. He knows I am, too. But, no matter how much I may want to get back on the see-saw again, it will not be much fun if my #Twin's not ready. Maybe our happy ending won't be the perfect fairy tale we hoped for, but it doesn't have to be. We're #Twins. That's miracle enough for me....
I always hated waiting for my friends to be ready as a kid. The problem was, no one could ever keep up. It was as frustrating then as it is now. I'd always be way ahead of everyone else. Already on the swings, having conquered the slide, getting higher and higher so as to jump off when someone would finally show up. Then, we could hit the see-saw. It was the only thing on the playground I needed another person in order to truly have fun. I could still walk up one side, balance it in the middle, and when I got tired of that, walk down the other side, or just jump off. But that's not at all the same as the freedom you feel when working in tandem with a fully engaged partner-in-crime.
It's the same today. I don't need anyone to be happy, not really. But I like people. And, it would be nice to get back on the see-saw again. There was nothing like it. When you worked together, you could get into a rhythm. You felt connected. That's what I miss. Sure, there are plenty of people in my life. But I still miss the single soul I'm most connected to on the planet. You can replace people if you have to. Friends come and go. Not souls though. They're one-of-a-kind. Or, in my #Twin's case, one out of 1,363...that's the number of males born on a certain day in a certain year in the United States who could be my #Twin. And, of that number, not all survived through today. Nor do all share the same traits with my #Twin--the traits I saw in dreams, traits I wrote about and painted, until I met my #Twin, "recognizing" him from a lifetime of images I thought came only from my head.
Despite all the numerical evidence, all the life-parallels, and other connections, some of you may still wonder if this #TwinFlame thing is real. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment...how do you think it would feel to see that, the face you've known in your dreams for as long as you can remember, actually belongs to a real human being? What do you think that moment was like? The moment where I looked into the same eyes I'd known for more than 40 years, even though it was the first time I'd ever seen them in person???
Powerful stuff. By the way, 1,363 adds up to "4." And "4" is my Soul number. Just got another knock in affirmation. And, look at that, it's 11:38 (11:3+8=11), or, #1111...