In a 2011 study, the average number of times per day that a man thinks of sex is upwards of 35. Women have a high number, too, at 19 times a day. Despite the frequency of sexy thoughts--a whopping 54 times a day between both men and women--married couples only average sex twice a week. Single men have even less than that. Talk about a dry spell! And couples who live together but are not married tend to average three times a week. But something doesn't add up. If men and women think about sex an average of 54 times a day (or 378 times a week!) combined, and we all know the benefits of sex to a person's focus, health and overall longevity, why is the best result two or three times a week??? On average, humans are having sex LESS than 1% of the time that it occupies their collective thoughts....
Any thoughts on why? Yup, for the most part, it's men.
In fact, in a study of over 4,000 men who admitted to not having sex with their partners, the answers included reasons like anger and depression. The top two reasons had to do with the same thing: a man's perception of how much their partner enjoyed sex (probably leading to the anger and depression). In other words, girls, though we always strive for the real thing, when it's just not happening, there may be a good reason to fake the big "O".
Men are visually stimulated, meaning, what they see is what they get. For women, the turn on tends to be more about connecting. Now, let's not get testy if you're a woman who prefers visuals or are a man who wants to cuddle. Bio-chemistry is as individual as our individual genetics. Regardless of your gender, if you are turned on by what you think you see, your partner has their work cut out for him, or her, as the case may be.
If we want to act on the average number of combined sexy thoughts we have in a given day, we need to act like we want to...even if when we don't. Because, when we don't communicate with our partner--whether it's because of an emotionally reactive reason, or physically proactive reason--we risk more than we may understand.
The secret to long-term relationship longevity? S. E. X. It doesn't have to be mind-blowing all the time, but frequency matters. And so does quality. Clearly, both men and women think about sex throughout the day. But all that thinking only translates into sex about 1% of the time. To increase that number (and, improve your sex life exponentially), start talking, touching, and generally spending more time together.
Think of it as a game of show and tell. Try sexting your partner--nothing that will get you fired, or worse, jailed--but something playful. Text a picture of yourself--make it silly, fun, sexy--just make it happen. Go on a walk in a natural setting together, like in a local park. Hold hands. Keep the pace leisurely. Be sure to look at your partner, flashing your beautiful blues, browns, greens, and hazels. When we like what we see, or are turned on, our pupils dilate...did you know? It's true, according to a 2012 Cornell University study. And touch is also key.
When we touch, even if it's a simple hand on the back, or stroke on the cheek, it shows caring and appreciation. To show care and appreciation allows for trust to develop. But trust is earned on a daily basis. Even if you never cheated on your spouse, when you stop touching--or withhold affection in any other way--you are betraying that trust. When we don't feel loved, we are vulnerable to things like depression, obesity, or worse, needing to seek love elsewhere. We all need love. So it is reasonable to expect that when we don't give it, the people we aren't giving it to will still need it. That leaves very few choices, doesn't it?
Sex is the ultimate relationship "glue." If you stick with it, it sticks with you. And so will your partner. For many years to come.
Now that's what I call bringing SEX-y back!!!