I wouldn't. Don't. But can't avoid the answers to such questions. In much the same way married men can't seem to avoid wanting me...just one of many ironies.
Life is short. Life is long. Which is it??? Both. It's short when it's good and it's long when it isn't. Yet, there will never be enough time. Even miserable, sick and old, we will greedily, hungrily beg for more. It's desperate. Because, we feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability is a strength. It makes you real. Human. Open. Lovable. And yet, it can create vertical relationships. Open the door to use and abuse. Even though those of us who make ourselves vulnerable do so out of love. Vulnerability is actually an invitation to love. To create equity. But vulnerability becomes weakness more often than not. It's even considered erotic to some. Having a person be vulnerable to their whims. But things like handcuffs are a turn off for me. I want equal play in the bedroom. Give and take. Maybe that's why in my fantasies, threesomes always become foursomes. Sex is not about power. It's about joy.
Everything is. That's why the world and all its ironies fall short. Why does everyone care so much about power??? Joy is all that matters. Finding it. Making it. Keeping it. It's humanity's greatest weakness...they're inability to prioritize joy. Power is more important. But power is only important to those who feel as though they have none. Seeking power is the game of the insecure. The fearful. The weak of will, of heart and of mind.
Here's what I learned about myself this week:
A year-and-a-half ago, a man I once considered my friend and partner abandoned his promises (and contracts) with me, causing personal and financial ruin, leading to the death of my daughter. Yet, I've been kind and patient to him, despite my grief. I've tried to embrace positive energy. Rise above. Love that which should be scorned. But the best thing I've done yet is choosing joy over misery, happiness over regret, and love over pain.
Negative people can't be saved by anyone outside of themselves. To have even concerned myself with forgiving a person who does not wish to be forgiven was just plain stupid. On my part. It spoke to my continued vulnerability. You see, I missed who I felt was my friend, but feelings are often misleading. Because, feelings can be easily manipulated by lies, omissions and general deceit.
A person who committed the crimes he did was never a friend; he was always a user. Always a liar. If he wasn't those things, why would he have disappeared? Gone dark? But he didn't stop there. He allowed (very dangerous) people connected to him to hurt me because it validated the lies he told them--which were the opposite of the lies he told to me. He's the very definition of a toxic individual. And, he's not the only one I know....
I excused obvious ineptitudes with an apologist, liberal sensibility. But you should never apologize for your personal success, big or small. Never apologize for your personal failures either. None are anyone's business but your own.
However, if you have hurt someone's life, it is their business. And, yours. You must make right the wrongs you are responsible for while you have the chance. Because, there is a deadline. People are unlimited, yes, but time is not. Once it passes, you've lost your opportunity. Regret only creates perpetual misery, doubt, and general unhappiness. It ages you. Puts weight around your middle. Loosens your hair from their follicles. Etches lines on your face. And, in the weirdest irony of them all, somehow makes you feel entitled to the very thing you pushed away.
I learned to love myself more than I love the attention of sycophants, liars, cheaters, and narcissists. The people who want me, seem to want me to fulfill some kind of external validation. Like shooting a 12-point buck. I'm a trophy for your wall. A wall you keep up to shelter only the people who share in your misery. I am not miserable, so you have no real intention of including me in your life outside of my providing that validation. Even if it's just something you keep to yourself. Like a secret happiness no one else knows. Except, I'm a writer with an international audience of more than a million readers. I'll validate the fuck out of you....
I'm human. Real, not a fantasy. People who like me because of my physical attributes will always be disappointed. Because, I can never really live up to whatever your expectations are when those expectations are based on some wet dream. The personal porn you have running on a loop in your head. Whatever beauty you see on my outsides are just a bonus. My true beauty can be found within. Not to mention my acumen for gourmet cooking. My sense of humor. My way with words. My knowledge of history, culture, literature, art, philosophy, music, and language. And, last but never least, my ability to give you joy every second you must trudge through the mud and muck of this planet. Try not worrying so much about what my ass might look like, and instead, wonder how you might visit the same blessings on me. If you aren't prepared to do that, then you are only seeking to hurt me. That's unwarranted cruelty. Pretending it's unwitting, acting as though it was an "accident," is even more cruel. And, I won't abide it.
There is never an excuse for cruelty. It's what the weak use to look and feel more powerful. You can't control your environment any other way, so you manipulate the people connected to you. You continuously shift social expectations, making yourself less and less responsible while simultaneously putting yourself in the center of everyone else's universe. Your schedule, your work, your family, your life, and your needs take priority. You only make time if and when it is convenient for you--which means you expect others to accept being inconvenienced by you. If they don't accept your uncompromising terms, you'll ruthlessly cut them off. Discard them. Disappear. And you won't acknowledge what you did. You'll just shift the blame onto the victim you targeted. You actually choose people who are vulnerable enough to accept this unspoken bargain, taking advantage of their patience and understanding, and anything else they're willing to give up in order to keep you in their life.
Some bargain, except, people should not have to discount themselves in any relationship. For any reason.
When people say things like, "God has a plan," and, "You're only given what God knows you can handle," it's actually true. But not for the reasons you think. Writers are essentially cosmic janitors. No wonder it feels like I'm always steeped in shit. My words are the Universe's equivalent of Clorox. And, I'm apparently here to tackle all of the toughest human stains.
I was in despair yesterday, sad at the loss of my baby. I know it's unlikely I'll have another chance to try again--but instead of friends being supportive or recognizing my grief, I've gotten responses that basically imply it was a mistake anyway. That, I should be grateful. Except, I expected to have a baby. It was something I wanted. Badly. Worked hard to achieve. For nearly a year. I loved my daughter. She was mine. Why would anyone try to devalue something that meant so much to me???
The bottom line: It should never be necessary to explain what equates to basic human emotion to any adult.
When I cried yesterday, I did not cry out to have the people responsible for #Emma's end to be punished. I cried out to the Universe to not let the people who hurt me, hurt anyone else. I cried for those who, like me, are yet unaware of these destroyers, the takers, the users, the abusers...the people who will look for your vulnerability. Your openness. Who will try to crush you. Kill you. And, claim a piece of your soul.
As I cried, a horrible thought occurred to me:
Human evil is why I yet live. And, I will not die until I have fulfilled what is a truly terrible Destiny--to record the evil I have encountered, and I have encountered quite a lot. Why? So Karma, or God, or Death, or the Devil, or whatever label you wish to apply, knows who you are and where to find you....
#TwinFlames #1111 Post-script: Today's date (7.27.16) is essentially three "7's" derived from "9." It is considered God's number and in Numerology, means the collective consciousness, manifesting and manifestation, discerning and discernment, becoming aware of your spiritual purpose, awakening to why you are here, and finally, accepting your unique Destiny...and ALL that entails.